Meet Me On The Battlefield
by OrianD'Cate
Summary: Sometimes, you just need a little nudge. What if the Doctor had gotten one after he rebooted the Universe, but before Amy remembered him? A new Time Lord comes to call in the Void, courtesy of a Crack in the TARDIS. First part of the "A Soul for a Soul" series.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. Least of all this.

"When I was younger, I was named

A generation unafraid.

For heirs to come, be brave,

And meet me on the battlefield."

1:1

It was finished.

She was safe. He couldn't her again, now or ever.

They'd probably find his body tomorrow. And if not, well, I'm sure a certain note would point them in the right direction.

I think it's safe to say this is not how I thought my day would end: staring over the edge of a cliff, mentally preparing myself to jump. Still, could be worse, I suppose. I could have failed. In which case, he would still be walking free, I'd be either arrested or dead, and She would most definitely not be safe. I'd call it a success that none of the aforementioned occurrences had, well, occurred.

So what if it cost my life? I was going out on my own terms. No prison for me, thank you very much. I already knew Hell had a reservation in my name, and I'm not the sort to check in late.

"A soul, for a soul." is what Red Skull had said.

My soul for Hers. I'd call that a more than worthy trade.

Look at me, finally having a Dean Winchester moment. Trust my luck it'd be one of these. The only difference is, for me, there wouldn't be any coming back. And there definitely wouldn't be any angels, from this world or any other, to drag me up again.

I was stalling. Earthquakes aside, that ground wasn't gonna slam into me of its own accord. It was time to pay the man. I took a deep breath. Let it out slowly.

And jumped.

The wind blurred my eyes, yet the world had never seemed clearer. The ground seemed to race ever faster towards me. A thought flew through my head: "I wonder, will it be friends with me?" I smiled. Trust Douglas Adams to have the perfect words.

The rocks at the bottom loomed, larger and larger, and between them, growing, was…..

A Crack.

_The _Crack.

The Crack at the End of the Universe.

The Crack caused specifically by the End of the Universe.

Universe-ending Crack.

_That _Crack.

And I was falling straight into It.

As my feet touched the light, two final things flashed through my mind:

1) It was June 26th.

2) Bollocks.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:2

Light.

Dark.

Dark in Light.

Light in Dark.

Making, Unmaking, Remaking.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A...

STOP.

Pain.

Fire. Ice. Rage.

I groaned.

Everything hurt.

Captain Jack Sparrow's voice seemed to echo in my head: "I hope you all saw that, because I will not be doing that again."

Never had I empathized more with a character than I did in that moment with Rory Williams. Those Cracks were nothing to sneeze at.

Wait..

I fell through a Crack. A Crack, infamous for obliterating anything and everything It ever touched. How had I not been erased from existence?

I forced my eyes open. Orange. The… sky, ceiling, whatever you call it was orange. And vaguely shimmery. Hell was still a possible landing site then. I needed to see more. My body protested most vigorously as it was forced into a sitting position. I threw a hand out to steady myself, and found..a handrail? Somehow, I doubt Hell has safety railing. My eyes darted around the rest of the..room.

I knew this place.

I turned my head so fast you could have heard the air crack.

A console gleamed behind me.

HIS console.

This was the TARDIS.

The 11th Doctor's TARDIS.

And I was in it.

You would have thought the floor was lava from how fast I moved.

It was all there. Every button, every switch every lever (yes, even the wibbly one). I yanked over the screen.

And there It was, right where It should be. Or, rather, not: The date, clearly reading June 26th, 2010, and superimposed over it, the Crack. The Crack through which I had, presumably, fallen.

Still, I had to make absolutely sure. I rushed to the doors (those beautiful doors), or at least I tried to. My legs still felt like they'd been fed through a wood-chipper. Pain notwithstanding, I made it to the door, and opened it to find…

VOID.

This was the Void.

Of course it was.

"Looks like its Hell after all."

I slapped my hand over my mouth. That had most definitely NOT been my voice. I cleared my throat. Maybe it had just been the echo. I tried again.

"Testing, one, two, three.."

Nope, still sounded like Mark Shephard. I ventured a look down. No doubt about it, these jeans one-hundred percent used to be longer. I slammed the door shut again, then raced back to the console. I needed a mirror, a reflective surface, something..

Glass floor. DUH!

My eyes looked down into… green ones?

My hair was still the same (my best feature), but my face..

Jensen Ackles' double was staring back at me.

"Bollocks."

Ooo, I liked the sound of that. Very Crowley. Crowley…

I had the looks of Dean Winchester. I had the voice of Crowley. And I was literally standing in Hell.

First a chuckle. Then a wheeze. Then, death by asphyxiation due to the inability to get a breath in between laughs. Okay, it wasn't literal death, but it sure relieved stress like death does.

When my brain finally decided the irony was low enough to let me think properly again, I immediately tried to piece together exactly what had happened. I imagine you could have seen steam coming out of my ears as my mind raced for at least some semblance of an explanation.

"Right then. Let's take this point by point."

Tap, tap went my feet as I paced.

"One: committed a self-sacrificing act in the manner of one Dean Winchester. Two: fell into Crack immediately recognizable as the one the Doctor dealt with. Three: somehow managed to avoid being annihilated by said Crack and arrive in, apparently, the Doctor's universe. Four: my voice and appearance have been changed to match those of two of my all-time favorite actors." I briefly halted my pacing. "How'm I doing so far, Sexy?"

I was not expecting the happy, congratulatory, and extremely LOUD noise the TARDIS responded with.

After I reinserted my heart back into my chest (no small feat), I managed a small smile.

"Thanks Old Girl. Glad to know at least one person thinks I'm doing alright."

The TARDIS responded with a very loud *BLAT* which clearly meant "Debatable."

I shrugged. She had a point. I wouldn't call most of my last 24 hours "alright". Could be worse, though. At least I ended up looking like Dean Winchester, the absolute hottest dude I.. knew.

I KNEW.

The Crack. It unmade things, I knew that for certain, but since I was clearly very much alive, what if It had… remade me as well? Only one way to check. I placed my hand over the left side of my chest. One heartbeat. Then I place my other hand over the right side. Two heartbeats. Pounding in perfect rhythm. That proved it.

I had fallen through that Crack thinking about a great many things, but two in particular: Supernatural, and Doctor Who. And now here I was; a stunt double for Jensen Ackles, with a promising career as a voice-actor for Mark Shephard. Oh, and I was a Time Lord.

"Bollocks."


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:3

I've never believed in coincidences.

I'd seen far too many impossible things in my admittedly dull life to even consider their existence with anything less than ridicule. This merely "sealed the deal", so to speak (Crowley jokes for the win).

"So, any idea why reality saw fit to grant me of all people my dream life?"

The TARDIS did a little *Be-Yoop*, which I guess was Its vocal equivalent of a shrug. I sighed. Seems She had as many answers as I did; which was to say, none.

Right, that could be mulled over later. Probably with a full mug and quite a few philosophy books. For now, I needed to figure out exactly where the Doctor was. No stone outside the door, which meant the Universe had already exploded. No Doctor, and still a Crack on the screen, which meant the explosion hadn't yet collapsed back in on itself and sealed the Doctor in. Mental math has always been something I excelled at, and it seemed a Time Lord upgrade had only furthered that skill. By my calculations, taking into account the time he would use putting young Amy Pond to bed, the Doctor was due to arrive in… less than twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes. That was loads of time! First things first, though. I was absolutely not going to be meeting the Doctor dressed in anything less than my best.

"Happen to know the quickest way to the wardrobe, Old Girl?"

The door at the top of the stairs to the left seemed to glow a bit more than its surroundings.

"Thanks love."

I followed the glow down several corridors, through twists and through turns, until I finally came to a room absolutely packed with clothes.

"Jackpot."

The first thing to go were my shoes. Good for running, maybe. Good for dangerous shenanigans, decidedly less so. Next were my jeans. Comfortable, but I was definitely gonna need more pockets. Jacket, shirt, and everything else followed.

A pair of black heavy-duty pants seemed to have enough cargo space, so I yoinked them first. And what does every pair of heavy-duty pants need? An equally heavy-duty leather belt. Next were boots to match the belt, with little pockets on the insides for snacks and escape tools. But mostly snacks. A black AC/DC t-shirt seemed appropriate, so I appropriated that as well. The green and black flannel I was wearing before had been my favorite, there was no way I was ditching that. Back on it went. Besides, flannel was cool. It took ages to go through all the coats, but in the end I settled on a knee-length gray leather one that looked as if it had survived the Time War. It had pockets, that was what mattered. A quick rifle through a certain long, brown duster produced a spare psychic paper, something I was sure would come in handy later. And what would a Time Lord be without some memorable neck-wear? A gray and black shemagh was thus procured and applied. To top it all off (see what I did there), a charcoal-gray newsboy cap with black specks was pulled on (but not too tightly. My hair was still awesome, after all).

I did a quick turn in front of a mirror.

"Marvelous. Hunter meets Time Lord. Couldn't be better."

That left only one item. One I anticipated being a bit harder to come by than clothes: a sonic. And I had only 14 minutes in which to find one. Easy.

8 minutes and a great deal of swearing later, I had my sonic. I would have still been swearing, if the TARDIS hadn't taken pity on me and shown me the box containing the Doctor's previous sonics… that had been right in front of my face the whole time. Still, thank Gallifrey for small mercies. The visor had taken the longest, but it was finished. I was now the proud owner of a sonic face mask that bore a singular resemblance to that of a certain Guardian of the Galaxy (hey, you go with what works). I placed the base next to my ear, and activated it. A single yellow line filled my vision, with readouts on everything I could ever need. Excellent. But I now had less than 6 minutes before him-in-the-bow-tie made his appearance… Looks like tea was gonna be a fairly rushed affair.

One table, a tea set, two chairs, a dozen Jammie Dodgers, and three minutes later, everything was in order. I sat back, and waited for the man.

"Hey, Old Girl?"

A *Ding* from the console.

"When Dickie Bow gets here, he's probably gonna feel a bit low, correct?"

An affirmative *Bleep*.

"Do you think he might, perhaps, enjoy a little music to lighten the mood?"

Instantly the sounds of the Beatles filled the TARDIS.

"_Here come old flattop,_

_He come,_

_Groovin' up slowly,…"_

Come Together, from the Abbey Road album. Appropriate, considering how many shirts I'd seen with Doctor Who characters imitating that classic pose.

I went back to my waiting, all the while contemplating exactly what exactly kind of a story I was going to tell the Doctor. Certainly not the truth. Rule one, Time Lords lie. And I really didn't want the Doctor to know that I knew most of his life, much less that I got it from a TV show. The appearance of a previously unknown Time Lord, i. e. me, had probably already thrown the events of the future I knew into absolute disarray. I absolutely could not let the Doctor rely on any information about a future that may not end up occurring at all.

KKKRAOWWWWW.

I turned. Ah, there it was. The last Crack. Kind of impressive, in an "I could utterly destroy you if I wanted" way. And coming through It, the Man of the Eleventh Hour: the Doctor.

I waited for his eyes to meet mine. I noticed they were still damp; probably due to his recent goodbye to little Amy. When they finally came to rest on me, they flashed. Within that flash, I saw confusion. Rage. And sorrow. Especially the last. All understandable reactions.

I held up the kettle.

"Would you care for some tea?"


	4. Chapter 4

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:4

He blinked once. Twice.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, a single word escaped his lips.

"What."

I sighed. Honestly, I don't know what I expected. For the time being (hah!), this was my show. I was the one that was supposed to be doing the bantering. Well, when in Rome…

I repeated the question.

"Would you care for some tea?"

He blinked again.

"Tea."

I nodded. "And Jammie Dodgers. Can't forget those, they're very important."

"Jammie Dodgers."

"Yes, you know, round biscuits with a little red…"

"Yes, I know what Jammie Dodgers are, thank you!"

"Ah, so you are capable of talking in more than simple phrases! I was beginning to be a tiny bit concerned."

"Who are you. How did you get here. And can you please TURN THAT RACKET OFF!"

I frowned. "I'd forgotten how rude you can be when you're cross. And I'll have you know that 'racket', as you called it, is some of the best music the Earth has ever produced. Honestly," I turned to the console, "how on Gallifrey do you put up with him? Such terrible taste."

The TARDIS made a decidedly derogatory *Blarp* that affirmed my opinion. All while the Doctor stood there, dumbfounded.

I was loving this.

I finally took pity on the poor man. "If you want an explanation, then by all means, you shall have one. But I insist on tea in the meantime. After all, I did put a good deal of work into it. Well, three minutes of work, but who's counting."

The Doctor slowly made his way over to the chair opposite mine, and sat. He swallowed. "Seven sugars, if you don't mind."

"Of course. I expected it."

Tea poured into his cup, promptly followed by the requested sugar.

"Now then. You asked four questions. I can answer three, but if you insist on turning off the 'racket', as you call it, I'm afraid you'll have to take that up with Sexy."

His eyes widened.

"Yes, I'm well aware of what you call your TARDIS. I have to say, it's a very fitting name."

The Doctor nodded, and raised his screwdriver. Ah, I loved that whirring. The rhythm of the Beatles rapidly gave way to silence.

Silence. I shuddered. Not something worth dwelling on, not until much later at the very least. I continued.

"Three questions left. I shall try and answer them in the reverse order of their asking. And please, no interruptions. 'What's all this' is, or was, tea. A setting I thought would indicate my desire for decorum and civilized conversation. How did I get here? Well Doctor, to be blunt, did you really think an explosion capable of collapsing your entire universe would merely wobble the ones next door? We had Cracks too. Fell through one, and here I am. And no, I'm not going to tell you how, for one simple reason: Spoilers. My timeline is a few years ahead of yours, and there are certain things you just shouldn't ask about."

His eyes flashed again. "Does that mean… "

"Ah, ah, ah, no interruptions. But I think I can guess what you were going to ask, and no, I am most definitely not my universe's version of you. Or any other Time Lord you knew, for that matter."

"But you are a Time Lord?"

I couldn't help but hear the hope in his voice. The hope that he wasn't the only one left after all. Oh, if only he knew. Still, he deserved an answer.

"Yes. I am a Time Lord. Or what passes for one in this reality. And that leads right into your third question: Who am I? You know I can't just give you my name, Doctor. Not without getting yours in return. But as to who I am? I am…"

My voice trailed off.

Who was I now?

A Hunter? A Demon? Something more, something less?

I absentmindedly tossed my Jammie Dodger in the air, like a coin. A coin…

I had it.

This reality already had a man who stopped the monsters. Maybe now, it needed one who hunted them.

"The Witcher. I am... the Witcher."


	5. Chapter 5

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:5

"The Witcher. I assume that means something, somewhere.. But I'm afraid I'm drawing a complete blank."

I nodded. "Fair enough. As far as I can tell, it's not a story that was ever told in your universe. Or needed, for that matter."

"And why, exactly,was it needed in yours?"

"That, Doctor, is a very long business that I'm not entirely sure we have enough tea for."

He leaned back. "I'm sure we can make some more. It's not like I have anywhere else to be."

I smirked. "That's what you think, Chin Boy. But we still have more than enough time. And you're probably right about the tea."

A small grin flitted across his face. "There are two things about which I'm always right: time, and tea. Now, the story."

"The story." I leaned forward and placed my cup back on its saucer. "I suppose it would be best to begin at the beginning, go along, and when I come to the end, stop."

"That's generally how it works, yes. Or so I've been told. Never been much for doing what I've been told."

"Really." I deadpanned. "I would never have thought it of you."

"Oi!"

"Oi! Yourself. Still, in this case I think it's best to follow the recommended order. First, the beginning." I ran my hand through my hair. "Blimey, this is gonna be hard to keep to the basics. It's a bit like explaining the Lord of the Rings without mentioning the Silmarillion."

"Tried that once. Ended up lecturing for four hours."

"Tell me about it."

"Well, it happened at this amazing little university in Arkham…"

"I didn't mean literally, you cranberry nut muffin."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Not a problem. Right then, the basics. My reality is… not that much different from yours, if I'm being honest. There are a few wonky bits, but there's really only one major, glaring difference: monsters."

"Monsters."

I nodded. "Monsters."

"I'm sorry, are we talking about the things in your closet or under your bed that jump out and shout 'Boo'?"

"No, we're talking about the things that will rip your heart out and eat it in front of you as you're dying from the blood loss. Or the things that drain your blood to feed on, but keep you just enough alive that their supply doesn't run out. Or the things that…"

"Alright, I get the picture, thank you."

No, somehow, I really don't think you do." I sighed. "I'm not talking aliens here Doctor. Earth, my Earth, is home to more species than just humans and Silurians. Werewolves, vampires, wendigos, you name it, I've seen it."

He scoffed. "Please. Next you'll tell me you've met the Devil too."

"Yes, actually. And, for the record, he likes classic rock."

"Why am I not surprised."

"Yeah, didn't really shock me either. The point is, for some reason, Earth is absolutely chock full of things that if they got out into the galaxy at large, would cause unimaginable Shadow Proclamation doesn't like those. Earth has been a forbidden zone to all aliens for quite awhile now. Of course, that doesn't stop them. Myself included."

"And I suppose this is where you come in."

"Not yet. First, there are the Hunters."

"Ooo, I don't like that word."

"There are a lot of things in this story you won't like Doc. Get used to it. Now, the monsters, as a general rule, know that Hunters exist. It's our version of nuclear deterrent. If a monster deliberately harms, kills, feeds on, etc. to a human, or any other sentient species, it knows it stands a pretty significant risk of being Hunted. So, for the most part, they keep quiet. Sometimes, the monsters will even help Hunters if they know a certain werewolf or vamp is close to causing mass panic. They want their existence kept secret as much as Hunters do. They keep their noses clean, the Hunters keep them out of official records, and everything generally works out. But sometimes, something a little bigger rolls into town."

"Like the Devil."

"Think more like a full-blown apocalypse. Things that cause a ruckus through quite a bit of time and space. And if certain aliens, i.e. the Sontarans, somehow find out there are certain species that would be extremely useful as genetic material in their intergalactic war, well, we can't have that, can we?"

"So a Witcher stops apocalypses?"

"Most do. But I'm the original. I'm _the _Witcher. The title was named after me, not the other way round. I do more. I hunt those who might just possibly think the end of the world would be a good thing. Human, monster, alien, doesn't matter what species they are. Much less what world they think deserves ending."

"That's not right." Ah, here came the Oncoming Storm. "It's not a Time Lord's place, it's not _your _place to judge."

"A Time Lord's place, Doctor? The Time Lords would just as soon destroy Earth as look at it. The only reason they haven't is because of me and those who took my name. Can not the same be said of you, Doctor?'"

Ooo, he was properly mad now. "I don't _take lives. _I save them."

"Yes, you save them, but to what end? I would have thought you would have learned Davros' lesson. You save people's lives, but you sear their souls. Just how many of your friends were willing to commit genocide on the Crucible?"

He froze. "How. Do. You. Know. That." he hissed.

"Spoilers."

"_Tell me."_

"No."

"You know. So much about me. You weren't even surprised to see me come through that Crack. HOW."

"It doesn't matter. Just about the only thing I can tell you for sure is that in about,... " I glanced down at my watch, "...thirteen minutes, dear little Amelia Pond will remember you. You'll go back to your reality, do what you are meant to do, and leave me here. I very much doubt our paths will ever cross again. So listen very carefully to what I am about to say: you are partially right. I don't have the right to judge. No one does, Time Lord or not. But in the end, there are choices that have to be made. And sometimes there's no kind Star Whale on the other side of the big, red button. When a choice like that comes, and trust me, it will, I would rather it be my soul that bears the cost, then the soul of any other. And that is the difference between our realities, Doctor: monsters. Yours are in your mind. Mine are in my soul. And it is our companions that must provide their opposites. Demons run when a good man goes to war, Doctor. Are you a good man?"

"I try to be. What does that make you, then? A demon?"

"On a good day? Yes. On a bad one? On a bad one, I'm just the war. What does being the Witcher mean, here or anywhere else? Cruel and cowardly, but only to myself. Give up? Never. Give in? Only to save a soul. That's what it means, Doctor. What your name will come to mean, well… that's for me to know and you to find out."

"I know what it means. I chose it."

"Yes, you certainly did. But did it choose you back? Names have power Doctor. You should know that better than anyone." I picked up my tea. "Now then, you had better go and change clothes. After all, you have a wedding to go to."

"Whose?"

"Pond's, of course!"

"But I just left…"

"Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey. You know how it works. Although this time, I suppose you could blame Professor Song for it."

"What?"

"Oops. Spoilers. Now, run along. You've only got about nine minutes left."

He stood. There was clearly more he wanted to say, more he wanted to know. I could see it in his jaw, and in his eyes. After what seemed an eternity, the light went out behind them. He slumped, and nodded. I picked up my cup, and took a sip. When I looked back up, he had gone.

I sighed.

This really was excellent tea.


	6. Chapter 6

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:6

I've gotta say, that story has got to be the biggest whopper I have ever told.

Oh, it had some truth in it, you can be sure of that. The truth of the Doctor, and the meaning of his Name, for instance. But the rest was made up by yours truly on the spot.

As far as I knew, there were absolutely no monsters on my Earth (well, aside from the human ones). Time Lords or Witchers either, for that matter. They were all just things in my head, memories of books, shows, movies, and whatever else the human race could dream up. They were a reflection of the true face of humanity, nothing more.

But I had needed them. I had needed them to weave a character the Doctor would understand. Not agree with, but empathize with. I had needed the Doctor to see himself as what another version of him might have become, and then to listen to what that version had to say. Had I changed the future for the better? Probably not. Time has inertia. Things tended to happen the way they had already happened. But at the very least, I had made the Doctor stop. Just for a second, but stop he did.

Was I secretly hoping I had impressed him? I don't think so. Scared him? A little. Fear is good. Fear makes companions of us all. Mostly, I just hoped that I had taught him. Taught him that sometimes the right way should be easy for you, and hard on all who would think about following.

I sighed, and put down my cup. It was empty. I picked up the kettle. Empty as well. I sighed again. Time to bring up topsails and clear up this mess.

Seven minutes and three Jammie Dodgers later (never throw out a Jammie Dodger, it's just not right), the TARDIS floor was clean again. Just in time, too. The clatter of feet on the stairs behind me heralded the return of the bow tie.

I turned to look.

"Well, well, well. Color me surprised. Turns out you can clean up nicely. What do you think, Old Girl?"

A *Bu-Wheep* from the console.

"Looks like She agrees. You look good, Doc."

He straightened his tie."Oh, you know, always gotta put on a show for Pond."

I snorted. "Ain't that the truth."

I reached over, and turned the screen around to face him. "Looks like you've got less than two minutes left. You can do loads in two minutes."

He cleared his throat. "Yes, yes you can. But there's something I have to tell you first... Thank you."

It was my turn to blink. "For what?"

"For the tea. And for, well, everything else really. It always helps to hear things from another perspective. But, before I go, I have a question to ask. Just the one. An important one."

I glanced at the screen. "You've got enough time. Shoot."

He nervously rubbed his hands. "You said that people, well, me… you said I sear the souls of those around me. I need to know… did I, or was I, maybe, perhaps, your version of me.. Was he the one who seared yours?"

Okay, I wasn't expecting that.

How to answer….

I began slowly. "I think… it's safe to say you had a hand in it. But.. there were others. Other faces. Other names. Yours was the first, true. But I only saw you, or at least my version of you, once." Technically true. I once met David Tennant at a Comic-Con. "I think I understand what you're really asking: are people like me, made by those like you? Do good men make their own demons? Or something to that effect."

He nodded. "Something like that."

"...I'd have to say, at least partially, yes. But in the end, it's still a choice. You can choose to take a life, or not. You can choose to tear your soul, or let someone else tear theirs. I think, what really makes the difference is, which do you ask first: how do I bring peace, or how do I end the war. And who can say which is better: to try to be a good man, or to make it easier for others to be one."

I watched my words sink into his mind. Hopefully, they stuck somewhere.

Finally, he spoke again. "I see. And thank you, once again."

I stuck out my hand. "The pleasure was all mine, Doctor. And who knows? Maybe, someday, I'll catch you on the Flip Side."

He smirked, and shook my hand. "One can only hope. Witcher."

"Doctor."

He smiled, and leaned back. "So, what now."

"Well, for you, the universe. For me, I have no idea. Much better that way."

"Of course."

"The engines should be starting up right about…"

_VWHOOOOSH._

"...now."

"Please tell me I land facing the right way."

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Not really. Much better that way."

"Of course."

_VWHOOOOSH._

"There's an old Irish saying on my Earth, Doctor. Seems appropriate for now. 'Goodbye my friend. I'll see you in Glocca Morra.'"

A look of confusion crossed his face. "And, where, exactly, is Glocca Morra?"

_VWHOOOOSH._

"Well, you see, it's always somewhere…over there."

_VWHOOOOSH._

He was fading fast now, but his grin was still crystal clear. "See you in Glocca Morra, then."

_VWHOOOOSH._

He was flickering rapidly now, and so was…. Huh. Only the engines were flickering along with him.

_VWHOOOOSH._

Oh.

Oh no.

_VWHOOOOSH._

It was a reverse Time Crash.

I had altered the timeline of the TARDIS, and now there were two separate versions both vying for existence.

_VWHOOOOSH._

Thank goodness I remembered the short.

First, the supernova.

_VWHOOOOSH._

Done.

Now the black hole.

_VWHOOOOSH._

I could still barely see the Doctor, his movements matching mine almost exactly. Good to know he had realized the situation, because there was absolutely no way this would work if only one version of the TARDIS exploded.

_VWHOOOOSH._

I reached for the last lever, and pulled it. As I did, I felt the barest sense of pressure, as if someone else's hand were in mine.

_VWHOOOOSH._

The Doctor's form faded from view completely, his hand still resting on the exact same lever as mine.

_VWHOOOO-OOOOSH._

Silence.

He was gone.

"Whew. That was too close for comfort, eh Old Girl?"

**KA-BOOOOOOOOOM.**

"...Sometimes, I should just keep my mouth shut."


	7. Chapter 7

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:7

Where was I?

Oh yes, hurtling through the Void.

What an apt metaphor for my life.

I should have remembered. The Doctor had become part of his own reality again. Things like that don't just happen quietly. An enormous amount of energy had been released. Rather violently, in fact. And I, being the idiot I am, had forgotten about the backwash.

So now, here I was hurtling through the Void. Oh wait, I mentioned that already. Did I mention the TARDIS was on fire?

No, no, I'm pretty sure I didn't.

The TARDIS was on fire.

There, I mentioned it.

And it was taking every scrap of memory I had to keep Her from not being more on fire, while simultaneously not causing the exact same thing the TARDIS had just recently done: namely, exploding.

At least my new outfit wasn't burning. Yet. Given time, and the chance, I'm sure it would. And I couldn't have that. Not after all the trouble I'd gone through getting it.

First, the sprinklers. Did the TARDIS even have sprinklers?

_Clang._

Well, it did now.

That's the fire sorted.

Now, the exploding.

Where was that hammer that 10 used to..

Got it!

_Clank._

"Come on! I'm trying really hard here!"

A loud *SCREEEEEE* echoed through the room, clearly indicating the TARDIS thought I ought to try harder.

"Fine then!"

_Clank, clank, clank!_

Flip that lever, pull that switch, push that button…

_Splort._

Not that button. That was ketchup.

THAT button.

_Ding!_

There. We were slowing down. That was good. I mean, stopping would be bad, but going slow was still better than exploding.

Thank Gallifrey for a Time Lord memory and enough episodes to get a rough idea of just exactly how to fly the most powerful space-time machine in the universe.

Ah. But that was the thing, wasn't it. She wasn't IN the universe anymore.

There was nothing but…. Empty, all around Her. No up, no down, no left, no right, no B, no A,..

Just... nothing.

But we were still moving.

And I really didn't want to think about what would happen when we inevitably hit something.

How was I so sure we would? Hit something, that is. Two words: my luck. Coincidences may not exist, but luck for sure did. Either that, or all that talk I had spouted earlier about angels and demons had hit a little too close to home, and this was gonna turn out to be their idea of retribution.

This is normally where I would have made a "I just cleaned up this mess!" joke, but there wasn't a mess made that the Old Girl couldn't take care of. The fact She hadn't fallen apart yet due to the Doctor's shenanigans was proof of that. The mess was, thankfully, cleaned up again in less than a minute. The Time Lords may have had terrible fashion sense, but they were brilliant engineers.

"Right. Sorry about all that. I'm still new to this whole business. In fact, I expect to collapse into gibbering wreck as soon as the past day catches up with me. Still, I fully intend to do better next time. Which reminds me… You wouldn't happen to have a spare manual handy, would you?"

I think the appropriate description of the TARDIS' response would be "gobsmacked". The lights in the room cycled through colors so fast, you would have thought the Fae had invaded. Every single doo-dad on the console was just twirling and dinging away, in absolute lack of harmony. After about a minute, I cleared my throat. "You okay, Old Girl?"

The answer was, apparently, yes, judging by the amount of manuals I was promptly buried in, followed by the happiest *Tu-WHEEEE!* I think I've ever heard something make.

I sighed, and crawled out from under the pile. I picked up a manual, and blew the dust off the cover. "VOLUME I OF XLIX", it quite clearly stated. "AARNET To ACTUATORS".

Hoo boy. This was gonna take awhile.

"Bollocks."


	8. Chapter 8

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:8

It took an entire week to wade through the entirety of the manual, but in the end, I got through it. No matter how much I wanted to tear into the absolutely marvelous library I knew the TARDIS had, first things came first. We were still drifting through the Void, and I needed to be at least semi-competent at flying the Old Girl if I wanted to avoid bouncing off whatever we hit next. I'm sure that would agree with Her even less than it would with me.

When I finally felt confident enough in my, well, I won't say skill, but competence at least, I allowed myself a little downtime. I came to appreciate just how marvelous of an idea it had been to put the swimming pool IN the library. I drifted for hours, letting the soothing sounds of the Encyclopedia Gallifrey wash over me. Let me tell you, it was a far better learning experience than any classroom I had ever been in.

When I wasn't listening to the Gallifreyan equivalent of an audio-book, or reading a treatise on quantum mechanics (something I was sure would prove useful later), I was planning. Planning exactly what to make of my life, now that it was what it was. I may have had about four or five severe mental breakdowns during said planning, and I think the TARDIS may never have orange sherbet ice cream in stock again, but it had to be done. Was I just meant to be a Drifter, bonking around wherever the TARDIS or Fate decided?

Was I going to be a Guardian, find one specific place to settle down and protect?

A Hunter, always on the road, with no life of my own beyond my work?

Or, maybe, I should try to become the story I had told the Doctor: the story of a man who would burn his own soul to save another's.

After all, in a way, wasn't that what had gotten me into this situation to begin with?

I sighed. I guess we'd have to see. For now, my plan was to be whatever was needed most where I landed, be that Guardian, Hunter, Witcher, or Doctor. And I had the available resources to be more than adequate at any one of them.

I went poking around to see if the Doctor's spare TARDIS keys had been copied as well, and managed to find seven before I stopped. Seven would be more than enough, both for myself and any companions I might end up captivating, in either sense of the word. One was promptly stored in my hat. In practically every piece of media I had ever seen, it was always the hat people forgot to search. The second went into one of the little side pockets of my boots. Good for cutting ropes while tied up, as well as transportation. And finally, a third went next to the psychic paper in my coat's inside pocket. That should be plenty of insurance for calling the TARDIS whenever I needed. No having my ride float away from the wrecked spaceship I was on with no way to get it back, thank you very much. The remaining four I scattered around the control room. Handy, but hidden.

If I'm being honest, after that first week, I kind of lost track of time. The changes to my sleep pattern that came with being a Time Lord had already disrupted my internal clock, and I'm sure the boredom of a journey through somewhere Time literally had no meaning didn't help matters. It could have been months for all I knew, but eventually, the thing I had been depressingly predicting and preparing for, happened.

We hit something.

Or, rather, we almost did.

All I can say is thank Gallifrey I wasn't in the pool when the TARDIS' sensors started going bonkers. Knowing my luck, I would have probably slipped while running on wet floor and hit myself hard enough to regenerate. It was still an inordinate amount of trouble to avoid going *SPLAT* on the side of another universe, but I'm inclined to believe it would have been slightly harder to do with regeneration energy rushing through me. Just a tiny bit.

As a general rule, while it is hard to get out of a universe, it is almost unbelievably easier getting into one. One you've actually found one, that is. After that, it's just a simple matter of finding a crack you can get through. Not Crack with a capital letter (had enough of those for awhile), just a small little tear in the fabric of reality. It took mere seconds to find one big enough for the TARDIS, and then I just… slipped through.

Now, you might be recalling a certain incident where the Doctor's TARDIS had fallen into another universe, and lost practically all power as a result. But since I was graced with foresight, I had already unplugged a few of the power crystals around the console, and insured they were full of energy. All I had to do was plug them back in and set them on a recharging cycle, and I should be right as rain.

We landed with a thud and a _VWHOOOOSH._

Immediately I was plugging the crystals back in, hoping my plan had worked. It was mere seconds before they connected back up, but I only allowed myself to breathe after I knew the recharging was well under way. Once I was sure of that, I stood up, turned, and strode to the doors. Brand new universe, just out there. That made technically three so far for me. A new personal record.

I was sorely tempted to activate my brand-new sonic visor, just for a test spin, but I truthfully had no idea what might be just outside my door. And while a threatening visage might be useful in certain situations, it was also disastrous in others. I did, however, end up throwing a finger-less glove I found in a bin on my right hand. I knew just how much both dangerous and hot stuff the Doctor was forced to handle, and I didn't expect my luck to run much better.

The doors parted with a snap of my fingers.

I smiled. "Always wanted to do that."

I stepped out.

And was greeted with one of the darkest rooms I think I'd ever... well, un-seen.

"Okay. Wasn't expecting that."

I briefly turned to push the doors closed (yes, push you heathens), and then back to peruse my surroundings. No lights, no sounds, in fact, no signs of life at all. I thought it best to do something about that.

Two taps behind my ear, and I was rewarded with the golden glow of my sonic visor, layered over my face. A quick whirring, and we had light.

A white office greeted my eyes. Two lines of desks and computers, and between them, an aisle leading to a set of glass doors. Vaguely familiar glass doors.

I took a step forward, then swiveled to see what I had landed in front of.

Metal bars hung from the walls to my right and left, but the one to my front was completely blank. It rose higher than those at its sides, and seemed to have no visible seams to speak of. Its whiteness spoke of a sepulchre, with hidden bones and atrocities lying just beyond.

Oh yes, I recognized this wall. This entire room, in fact. Or at least its counterpart.

The crack I had used to enter this universe had been the closest one at hand. I should have known it would end up being something incredibly ironic.

This was the top floor of Canary Wharf.

I had landed in Pete's World.

In the middle of Torchwood.

"Bollocks."

* * *

A voice came from behind the Doctor. "Did you dance? Well, you always dance at weddings, don't you?"

The Doctor turned. "You tell me."

River simply smiled. "Spoilers."

A certain blue diary and vortex manipulator seemed to materialize in the Doctor's hand.

"The writing's all back, but I didn't peek."

River nodded. "Thank you."

"Are you married, River?"

"...Are you asking?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No, hang on, did you think I was asking you to marry me, or, or, or asking if you were married?"

"Yes."

"No, but was that yes, or _yes._"

She leaned in. "Yes."

"Ah. Well then. Suppose I should say thank you."

"What for?"

"Someone told me you helped today."

"Well now, who could have possibly done that."

"Spoilers."

"You're getting it now."

"...River, who are you?"

"You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry, but that's when everything changes."

With a *BZZZT* and a flash of light, she vanished.

"...Nah."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: For convenience' sake, I have decided to include a few scenes from actual Doctor Who episodes to give a better sense of timing. The ending of the last chapter was merely a test run for this. If you have any suggestions on how to make this more readable, I would appreciate them.

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:9

Before the word had even finished leaving my lips, I was moving.

This was probably not the best of ideas, considering the drain it was about to put on my recharging crystals, but I was certainly not going to let Torchwood anywhere near a TARDIS. Not even this version of them. For all I knew, this could be ages before Torchwood was discovered and taken over. In which case, I intended to give the people who ran it, like John Lumic, as little as possible.

The TARDIS probably wasn't going to like this, but if I had a better idea, I would have used that. My visor began whirring, and gradually, with extremely agonized groaning, the TARDIS vanished from sight. There. She was now one second out of phase with the rest of reality. I had just turned what would have been an hour long recharge into a full day, if not day. Worth it.

Next, for the computers. I needed to know exactly what I was facing, and if there was any chance, no matter how small, that my arrival had been noticed. My fingers flew across some keyboard, pulling up whatever I could find that was connected to this place. Whenever I would hit a security barrier, a quick flash of my visor was enough to let me through. It wasn't long before I had all the information I could possibly want. And, as is always the case with new information, there was good news, and bad news.

Good news: This was a long while after the whole "stars going out" problem.

Bad news: It was an extremely long while. Over two hundred years in fact.

Good news: Torchwood was long gone. This whole building had been permanently shut down and closed off.

Bad news: It was now owned by someone else, an eerily familiar company called Abstergo. And whatever they wanted it for, it certainly wasn't nice.

Good news: My turning on the lights had not sent off any alarms.

Bad news: The same could not be said of my arrival and subsequent hiding of the TARDIS.

Good news: There was no indication that my presence had been noticed.

Bad news: A team was coming up to investigate. And I had mere moments to hide.

Off went the screen. Everything that I had found, in fact, all connections and data on any computer or device in that room, was good and fried after the sonic equivalent of an EMP. The lights followed quickly after. Hiding under a desk wasn't going to work, and there was nothing else on the other end of the room. Just metal bars. What to do, what to do…

Idea. Long coats came in handy sometimes. Just in time too. I could hear footsteps coming this way. With one quick jump, and a swish of my coat, I was hidden in plain sight.

Judging by the amount of noise, there were three of them. Three, I could handle. Hopefully. There was a *ding*. The glass door behind me swung open. And in they strode.

"What have we got?"

Voice One. Probably the leader.

"Two registered anomalies, one right after the other."

Second Voice. Sounded soldier-y.

"Identical?"

Leader again.

"No, ma'am. Almost completely different, in fact."

"That means one of two things ma'am; either something came through, and left again in a hurry, or two seperate things arrived, and are still here."

Ah. Guess that made the third one the thinker.

"You've overlooked a third possibility, my dear. If you were to recall the files on the Doctor," here my ears perked up even more, "you'll remember that upon his first arrival here, his transportation's power failed, stranding him here for around 24 hours."

Bollocks. Scratch thinker.

Leader continued. "I think that the most likely explanation is that something came through, and then found it couldn't. And is in fact, still in this building."

"Do we send in more troops to restrain it, ma'am?"

Oh, yes, definitely soldier.

"...No."

If I could have breathed a sigh of relief, I would have.

"If it is possible to deal peaceably with whatever has arrived here, then we shall. In exchange for assistance with it's departure, it could provide valuable help to us as well."

"Even if it's a Dalek, ma'am?"

"Why not? Even things such as Daleks can be used to the greater good."

Any urge I had to reveal myself vanished. If there were two things I hated, really hated, they were people who thought that Daleks could be useful, and "the greater good." I'd seen far too much evil come as a result of the both of them. Now, the plan was to simply remain in the building undetected for 24 hours, and then I could be on my way. The name Abstergo was still stuck in my head, making me even more sure that I wanted nothing to do with them.

The leader was speaking again. "Make sure that nothing gets out, but do it in a non-threatening way. We don't want whatever it is shooting first and asking questions later. Even Time Lords will attack when provoked. Right, that's all. Make sure the area is clean, then clear out."

"Yes, ma'am."

I heard them turn, and walk back towards me. They had just almost made it to the door, when Thinker made it quite clear exactly what he thought of my retraction of his nickname.

"...Ma'am, there's something off."

"Describe."

"The computers, ma'am. If that something is still here, wouldn't it immediately go looking for information on how best to get what it wants?"

"...A fair point. If they did go looking, can you tell how much they found?"

"I think so ma'am. They appear to have used this station. The chair is the only one pushed out."

Bollocks. Still, good luck finding anything, boyo. When I killed something, it stayed dead.

A *thunk* sounded in front of me. Clearly Thinker sitting down in aforementioned chair.

"The computer's erased, ma'am."

Got 'em!

"Everything's gone."

"Which means?"

"Either they got all the way to the top level of security, and potentially saw everything in the amount of time it took to lock them out and fry their connection…"

"Including Project Rewrite?!"

"Yes ma'am. Or, the far worse scenario…"

"HOW COULD ANYTHING BE WORSE THAN THAT?!"

"They could have killed the computer themselves, because they didn't want us to know what they found. Namely, that they knew we were coming. In which case, they could be listening to every word we've been saying. Which also means, if they didn't know about Rewrite before, they certainly do now."

The Thinker turned in his seat…..

And stared directly into my visor.

This time, I did say it out loud.

"Bollocks."


	10. Chapter 10

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:10

Sometimes, having a long coat can be quite useful. For example, using it to cover a desk to make it look like it was being redone, all the while hiding beneath it.

Sometimes, having a long coat can be quite inconvenient. For example, trying to do a cartwheel on someone else's shoulders while wearing one.

How do I know this, you may ask? Let's just say personal experience and call it that.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The Three Stooges.

The fore-mentioned cartwheel over Thinker put me in an excellent position to wrap my hands around his neck, in just the right spot for a snapping. I already had one snapped neck on my conscience, what more harm could threatening a second do?

Turns out quite a lot.

Soldier decided it would be a good idea to try and shoot me through his esteemed colleague. I don't believe either Thinker or I reacted well to that. Thinker tried to twist to the left, while I was simultaneously turning him to the right to protect him with my own body. The end result was the same as it would have been if Thinker hadn't been wearing his bulletproof vest: his death. Albeit one a good deal less painful than severe lead poisoning.

Thank Gallifrey that Thinker had at least some methods of protecting himself. His vest had already saved my life (if not his), and now his handgun was going to do the same. Out of his holster it came, and then up in my right hand. Three bullets went into Soldier: one in his arm, the second his forehead, and the third, his neck. That out to do the trick.

My barrel swiveled to cover the Leader, who was now standing absolutely still. Our eyes stared unblinking into each others', neither of us willing to speak first. After about a minute, I decided that enough was enough.

"Now then. If all the theatrics are out of the way...I don't see why we can't start being a bit more civilized about this whole thing."

Leader cleared her throat. "I am in complete agreement. However, I will point out that some consider it uncivilized to eavesdrop."

I grimaced, not that she could see it behind my mask. "Sorry about that. Purely unintentional, I assure you. I didn't have many options when it comes to concealment. If I had, perhaps this whole situation may have been avoided."

She nodded. "Perhaps."

Interesting. Still not a trace of fear on her face. I didn't like that. Time to change it.

"I was intrigued by your offer of assistance earlier. In fact, I came very close to revealing myself, and would have, if I hadn't marked your colleagues as a tad trigger-happy."

I was lying through my teeth, and she knew it. Still, it put us on a level playing ground.

She made a *pf-ft* noise. "I can't say I fault your reasoning. Those two can be easily replaced. Their deaths were no great loss, to either me or who I represent."

Now, the game began in earnest. "And who might that be, then."

"Oh, a group very much interested in..._people _like you. I observed earlier that you are, quite frankly, trapped here for the time being." A subject switch if I ever heard one. "You have no TARDIS, invisible or otherwise, which quite clearly means you are not the Doctor."

I nodded. "Correct." No letting on that only half of that sentence was true.

She continued. "And no vortex manipulator either, which means not a Time Agent. Which leads to the next obvious observation: you obviously didn't come here by accident, since you somehow managed to not only travel here, but came prepared to attempt a return journey."

I cocked my head. "And your point is…..?"

"Whatever method of transportation you have, it quite obviously didn't work as well as intended. If you would be willing, in exchange for a small amount of information on its workings, I'm sure that those I represent would be more than happy to help you with any repairs you might need."

And here was the game coming back full circle.

"An amenable agreement. But I've never shaken hands on a deal without everyone knowing all other involved parties' names."

She inclined her head. "That sounds more than fair. If I might have yours?"

"It's of little consequence, but you may call me… Witcher. And the name of those you represent?"

She reached up to fiddle with a pin on her lapel. "Oh, they're a well-established firm. Quite old. Centuries, in fact. All the way back to medieval times."

I was sure I had seen that pin somewhere else before….

"A truly remarkable accomplishment, I'm sure."

She smiled. "Not as remarkable as some we have planned for the future."

That cross pin….

A cross...

Oh.

Abstergo.

Figures.

Gosh, I can be thick sometimes.

I fired.

Every last bullet in the magazine, in fact.

She managed to dodge more than half of them, but half of fourteen still leaves you with seven gaping holes in your body.

I walked over, and knelt beside her dying form.

"Yeah, I think I can figure out the name for myself now, thanks. We had you guys where I came from as well. To be fair, you've managed to last much longer than your counterparts did. Chalk one up to the Templars."

There was blood in her mouth as she smiled. "Oh, we plan to last much longer than this, Witcher. And now, you're unarmed."

Her body began to glow golden. Golden in a way that meant only one thing: she was healing. With regeneration energy. And I couldn't have that.

My mask deactivated. I was going to need my mouth for this. "That's the thing dearie…."

I leaned down. "Time Lords are never unarmed."

And I kissed her.

What little energy there was coursing through her body, desperately trying to fix her, I pulled from her with my breath. Not even enough to make a proper Time Lord regenerate, but just enough to help her survive things most humans couldn't.

Wait a minute…

Where had the Templars gotten their hands on regeneration energy?

I had to know.

I had even a looser grasp on this than the whole "pulling energy out via kiss" thing, but it had to be done.

My hands came up, and clasped to her temples. Then I dove into her mind.

All I can say is that it was a good thing she was dying, because the mess I left behind in her head would have probably killed her a lot more painfully than any bullet. I burst through what few barriers I found, looking desperately for any clue, any data at all…

Oh no. _Oh no._

They hadn't. _They had._

_They had dared._

And they would pay.

I _yanked _the last energy from her corpse.

I knew exactly who was going to need it.

And all I had to do was make it from the very top of Canary Wharf, all the way to the absolute bottom, and kill each and every person between here and there in order to deliver it.

"Rose Tyler, I'm coming."


	11. Chapter 11

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:11

I now had three extremely dead corpses on my hands, and no good way to get rid of them. I could just toss them out the window, and hope no one one the ground was close enough to hear the *thump* when they landed, but that plan was far too risky for my liking. I could just leave them here, and hope it was a good while before anyone came looking for them, but that plan was even riskier. There was only one halfway decent option: frame poor Thinker.

Soldier's body was already in the right position, so all I had to do was move Leader's. I picked her up off the floor (not a good idea to leave a drag-trail of blood), and carried her in my arms over to Thinker's chair. I needed it to look as if Thinker had emptied his magazine into her, but didn't kill her fast enough to avoid having his neck snapped. I draped her corpse over Thinker's, and then placed his hands up around her shoulders, as if he had tried to fight her off after she closed the distance. His handgun, I placed on the floor where it might conceivably have dropped from his hand. There, that should hopefully hold up to at least some scrutiny.

I relieved Soldier of his knife and handgun (like he was going to use them), as well as any spare magazines he had. This was a job that required efficient killing, and while snapping necks may be quiet, it was most definitely not ideal for groups. I was sorely tempted to take Soldier's vest and rifle, but I was pretty sure their absence would be noted a lot faster than what I had already taken.

I was as prepared as I could be for my descent, but there was still a good deal I had left to do before I could start heading downwards. There was absolutely no way I was leaving any part of Abstergo or the Templars standing after I left this universe. Not after what I had learned. And I was sure that was just the tip of their ego and depravity. I reactivated my visor, then turned back to the computers. Time to see if I was as good with bringing electronics back to life as I was killing them.

It took about four minutes per computer or sixteen in total (not bad, if I do say so) before I was satisfied with my work. All I had to do was hook their activation signal up to my visor, and I should be good to go whenever the opportune moment appeared. I set the signal, and immediately my visor lit up with a little circle showing the progress of my little bit of 't be long before the circle filled up, and then Abstergo would be living on borrowed time. That was that taken care of. Right then, downwards we go. Allons-y!

I took my time with each floor. I wanted to be absolutely sure that there were no enemies at my back that would become enemies at my front when I had to make my escape. Or, rather, we did. Because I was for sure taking Rose Tyler with me, no matter what. She deserved better than what the Doctor had done to her, not to mention what was currently being done to her. Whatever she wanted, I was going to do my very best to make sure she got it.

It seemed standard procedure for Abstergo was to have one team per floor,composed of two Thinkers and one Soldier. To paraphrase Charles Bronson, "I saw three vests like that per floor. Inside the vests were three men. And inside the men were three bullets." I have always said that modern military protection gear does an absolutely terrible job of protecting the neck area. I was now extremely grateful for that continued oversight. Made things much easier. They obviously weren't expecting to be attacked in their own safe haven. Either that, or they believed that any intruders would focus on making their way to the below-ground levels, and leave them be. How unfortunate. For them, that is.

It was only when I got to the ground floor that I was forced to do a little sneaking. It was here that my new knife came in handy (hah!). It took me about fifteen minutes to determine which of the peons running around was most likely to have the clearance I needed to get "below decks", so to speak. And from there, it took another half-an hour for him to finally walk somewhere with no witnesses and a handy disposal chute. I would have continued on my merry way after relieving him of his identification (my visor could replicate his retinal scan with no trouble), but I had seen the man that seemed to be the one in charge of security here. Absolutely terrible at his job, yes. Easily dispatch-able, less so. "An absolute mountain" is all I can think to describe him as. And I absolutely could not have a mountain between me and my exit when I needed to reach it later with all possible haste. Thank goodness he had the sort of personality that made people wish to avoid him when they could. It only took another ten minutes before he was in a similar position to his recently deceased comrade.

It did, however, end up costing me another fifteen to make sure he was properly dead. Dude sat back up three times after I thought I had finally stabbed him somewhere vital. It wasn't until the fourth time, when I stabbed him through the brain stem that I realized he had been granted some regeneration energy as well, albeit it a lot less than the corpse upstairs. I can safely say that was the nastiest kiss I ever had, dude or no dude. On the plus side, I did manage to find out more about some nasty security measures downstairs that may have put a dent in my day. You know, laser turrets, sonic paralyzers, the standard stuff. Then again, considering the way I disposed of him, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at bangers and mash in the same way again. But, I was able to harvest a bit more spare energy, for either myself or Rose should something unexpected happen. All in all, I'd say it was a net neutral experience.

Where were we? Oh yes, sneaking.

I had finally reached the entrance to the underground. You'd think it would be tucked in some little, out of the way corner, but _no, _the Templars have never been one for subtle. A giant wood carving decorated an entire wall, with an absolutely gigantic tree covering the majority of that. Seriously, it was eerie how much it resembled the one from the first Captain America movie. There were, however, two main differences: in the middle of the tree were carved two (supposedly) fake doors. And above them, a Serpent. _The _Serpent, actually. And in its mouth, the Apple.

I reached up, and pressed it.

I whispered, my mask changing my voice to that of the late head peon.

"May Patrem Intellectus Duce Nobis." The Oath of the Templars.

The doors swung open.

Behind them stood an elevator.

I stepped in, and pressed the first button.

I smiled. "And way down we go."

The doors closed.

And down I went.


	12. Chapter 12

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:12

I checked my total time so far: about four hours. Not bad. That put it at around three minutes per floor, plus the ground level. Just twenty hours to go, and we could ska-doo right on out of here. Thank Gallifrey I had arrived in the afternoon. I'm sure that the lack of people (well, alive ones) in the cafeteria would not have gone unnoticed. If there's one thing humans can all agree on, it's that you never skip lunch hour. This way, I hoped my shenanigans wouldn't be noticed until the next morning. As extra insurance, I had set all security cameras that I passed on a recorded loop, so that was one more concern eliminated.

I deactivated my visor. For this part, I needed to pass by under quite a lot of people's noses, and my mask would most assuredly draw attention. Attention I didn't need. After the mask, I started to button my flannel up as well. No harm in looking a little more professional, something my AC/DC shirt would probably detract from. Out came my psychic paper, and then into the same pocket as my recently (and illicitly) acquired identification. Better to keep them together, just in case.

I had almost grabbed a snack from the same place I had taken care of the Mountain Man, but hadn't, for two reasons: time constraints, and the fore-mentioned bangers and mash. I was regretting that now. For some reason, I was really craving tangerines. Any citrus-y food, really. Oh, and chocolate. Go figure. Oh well, I'm sure someone downstairs had a sandwich I could snatch. Then again, this was England, so the quality of any sandwich I found was likely to be just on the other side of edible (hey, you can't deny it).

My ruminations were interrupted by the elevator stopping.

*Ding!*

The doors opened. And out I stepped.

A single door stood in front of me. No cameras at all, not even any extra security measures beyond the ID scanner attached to the lock. I sighed. Honestly, I was hoping for something a little more exciting. Then again, this was the first floor. I'm sure things would get incredibly hard by the fifth one. And if they didn't, well, I might just have to make a complaint. I mean, really, given how long they'd been around, you'd think they would have produced a better class of criminal. On the other hand, I had yet to see any evidence of Assassins making things difficult for them. If they had been eradicated, complacency would explain a good deal of what I'd seen so far. Hopefully, complacency would go out the window after my visit. That is, if the whole organization didn't go out the window first.

My liberated ID worked like a charm. The door slid open, to reveal… cubicles. Of course there were cubicles. This was probably the side of the company that fudged all the paperwork on the things they did that they probably shouldn't be able to do. I moved forward, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground. A man stood at the entrance to one of the offices, a folder full of papers in his hand that stuck out in the aisle. I slipped a few of the documents from the file, and pretended to browse through them as I walked. No one likes to interrupt someone who's reading, especially if it looks like its important. Huh. This was actually interesting stuff. So that's where they got all the supplies for the sprayers. Never would have guessed Roman Industries existed here.

I continued walking, until I spied the door that clearly led up from the lower levels' fire exits. Into the nearest trash can went all but two of the papers, and after a quick glance for anyone watching, I slipped through the door.

No security cameras anywhere near the stairwells. There never were. You'd think they would have fixed that in two hundred years. I slipped on down. I needed to bypass the second sub-level, because that was where they kept all the nasty surprises for things of non-human persuasion. And, while I may have been human once, I'm fairly certain the lasers and spikes wouldn't give me any leeway in arguing the point. Practically no one worked on level two. It was mainly there to get rid of all the people who came around looking for things they shouldn't. Very handy, I will admit.

And of course, as there is with all bypasses, there was a small difficulty. Or, rather, two of them. A set of doors, one from level one to two, and one from two to three. Easily bypassed with my stolen card and copied retinal scan, but when I had to come running back this way like a bat out of Hell, they would undoubtedly cause a significant delay. Lockdown means lockdown for a reason. So, just as the first door slid closed behind me, in went one of my snatched papers right in between the lock and catch. I did the same for the next door as well.

Now, as much as I would have liked to do this all the way down, I was sure the security below level three would be a good deal too high for my credentials. It was an appalling display that they had gotten me as far as they did. But now, I was going to have to work to reach my intended target.

A quick sonic burst from my visor, and the fire alarm attached to floor three's emergency exit went silent. Back off came the mask, and then through the exit I sneaked. This was the storage floor, packed with all the boring files, raw materials, and rubbish. All of the really fun and exciting stuff was on the two floors below me, with level four being the interesting people working on interesting things, and level five being where those interesting things ended up once they became deadly things. Three guesses as to which level I needed to get to.

This had become a waiting game. The fourth level would write up the reports on their vicious little projects, and them bring them up here to file. The people from the first level would then come down here whenever they needed the reports for reference work. Dreadfully boring system, but efficient. And now it would work in my favor. All I needed was for one of the peons to come up from below-decks with a new file, and then *WHAM*. Lights out. They would come, I was sure of it. It was just a matter of when.

I crept around the walls, looking for a convenient vantage point from which to view the "down" elevator. You would not believe how inconvenient metal tube shelving can be when you don't need it. Still, I found a spot, and settled down to wait. This could take a while.

Surprisingly, it was only about half-an hour before the unlucky winner made his appearance. He was obviously in a good deal of a hurry, judging by how oblivious he was to his surroundings. Must have been thinking about how it was almost the end of his shift, and how he was going to avoid the most amount of traffic. Shame he didn't spare any thought on how to avoid my knife. That made the third glowy boy I'd killed so far. He didn't take it nearly as well as the security chief had. Further proof that Abstergo was tweaking the process for individual roles. The important people all seemed better equipped to survive an assassination, and the meatbags were obviously meant for prolonged fights.

I picked up the folder he had been carrying. What little remorse I had gradually evaporated as I read it. This twisted man had deserved much more than I had given him. Shame I couldn't drag him back from the afterlife to send him back in a good deal more pain. I closed his folder, and placed it in the right spot. His work would burn, as sure as his soul. I would make sure of it.

I hauled his body around the corner, away out of sight. I switched his ID with the one that had gotten me down here. That ought to throw them off the scent, should they find him before my plan called for it. And my new identification ought to allow me access to the rest of the place. His retinal scan had already been recorded in my visor, and now I had to make sure no one was going to discover his eyes didn't match his tags. I would have preferred an ice cream scoop, but sometimes you just gotta use what you got.

After that disturbing task was over and done with, I could finally afford to take a break. It had been a full five hours since I had gotten here, and after all I'd done, I think I deserved a little downtime. Besides, the next part of my plan wouldn't come until morning, when the bodies at the top of this glass and steel monolith were discovered. I climbed up one of the shelves, and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible. My coat I wrapped around myself, and my hat I folded into a makeshift pillow. Hopefully, it would be enough. I drifted off to sleep, my dreams filled with blood and fire.

I awoke to a loud beeping in my ear. At first I thought the jig was up, and my handiwork had been recognized for what it was. It took a minute for me to realize what it was. I activated my visor. Yep, sure enough, there it was. The little circle that showed the progress of my little experiment was full. And just in time, too. The time was currently showing as close to nine in the morning. Thirteen hours down, eleven to go. My money was that by now, they'd noticed quite a few of the people that were supposed to punch in today, well, hadn't. It was only a matter of time before they found the bodies. And then they'd really start running around like chickens with their heads cut off. That many corpses, all arranged to make it look like they'd killed themselves, was gonna have them thinking either the Assassins or the Supernatural. I pulled up the real feeds on the security cameras I'd hijacked. Yep, people everywhere. No policemen, which was good. It meant my plan was going to grab a good deal of Abstergo's own personal muscle when its final piece fell into place. That meant less trouble later.

I sat up, and swung my legs over the side of the shelf. It was halfway through the swing I realized they were both asleep. Just before they hit the shelf in front of me, in fact.

All I can say is thank Gallifrey that it wasn't top-heavy. That would have been disastrous. I slapped my legs a few times, clearly indicating that it was time to rise and shine. They tried to pull the classic "five more minutes" routine, but I wasn't having that. Finally, after much protesting, they were ready to go. I scrambled down the shelving, and then quickly over to the "down" elevator. One showing of credentials and a retinal scan later, I was heading downwards into the lion's den. Funny thing about lockdowns. They may have been picky about who they let out, but the same couldn't be said for who they let go in the opposite direction. I pulled my psychic paper from my pocket. I was going to need it for this next bit.

The doors slid open with *whoosh*, and I was greeted by… well, I can only describe it as chaos. As was usual when scientists' carefully ordered domains were wobbled in any way. Just from a quick glance, I could see three seemingly important people arguing about what to do. I decided it would be the perfect conversation to insert myself into, and started walking towards them.

The loudest of the group seemed to be the head scientist. At least, I thought he was. He was certainly acting the part.

"Ridiculous! Preposterous! We absolutely cannot evacuate at this time! I mean, we just got here, bejaysus!"

Then again, that could just be the Scot in him coming out.

"Sir, I am truly sorry, but it just can't be helped. I'm sure…"

"The only thing I'm sure of is that I'll have your job if you don't fix this! There are programs we have to run, checks we have to make, things that could, theoretically, blow this whole place to kingdom come if they don't like how you sneeze!"

"Now Doctor, I'm sure the Sergeant was simply unaware of the nature of your work." So, someone was playing the peacemaker. "Given the fact that nothing untoward seems to have occurred below the ground floor, I'm sure there's absolutely no reason the good Doctor can't deal with what he needs to before the evacuation."

Time for me to throw a wrench into _that _plan.

"Actually, ma'am, it appears something untoward _has _occurred."

They all swiveled to face me, the Doctor, the Sergeant, and the… Peacemaker. Who was currently wearing the face of the _very _deceased Leader.

So, the Templars were into either resurrection or cloning. Both very bad for me.

I'd figure something out. For now, the plan came first.

"And what might that be, Mister, uh….."

"Commander, actually." I held up my psychic paper. "Commander Winchester. I was called in privately by Mr. Rikkin to investigate if anything… unpleasant had happened below level two."

They relaxed at that, my fake credentials and name dropping doing the job marvelously. I slipped my paper back into my inside coat pocket.

"And I am afraid that something unpleasant has most definitely happened. Sergeant!"

He snapped to attention. "Yes, sir!"

"At ease. I find myself in need of your assistance. Doctor, you have until I and the Sergeant return to put things in order."

"But…"

"No buts, I'm afraid. The evacuation must go ahead, and now there is some degree of urgency to it. Ma'am, I appreciate your efforts to smooth things over here. If you would kindly continue to do so, I would very much appreciate it. I'm sure the doctor will gladly take all the help he can get. Sergeant, with me."

I turned to go.

"Wait one moment, Commander."

I paused. "Is there a problem, ma'am?"

"No, not as such. Forgive my curiosity, but, just exactly what did you find that merits this response?"

I took a minute. It was never a good idea to spout out a prepared lie. Invariably makes it seem a bit suspicious.

"...It seems, ma'am, that at least one person made it to level three before he met his... demise. And as to what, exactly, caused his death, I find myself... unable to tell. And I don't like things I can't explain. That's all the information I'm able to give at this time."

PM nodded (no way I was calling her Peacemaker the whole time. Too many syllables). "I understand, Commander. On your way."

"As you say, ma'am. Sergeant!"

"Coming, sir!"

I began to walk towards the elevator I had so recently come down, the Sergeant at my heel. I couldn't have that, I needed him at my side for the next part. I couldn't bypass the lockdown without using my mask, but the Sergeant could. Perks of being part of security.

"No need to follow behind, Sergeant. I'm not one to stand on ceremony."

"As you wish, sir." He picked up his pace.

"How long have you been here, Sergeant?"

"Around five years, sir."

"Ever seen a dead body before?"

"...No, sir."

"In that case, I think you had better go first. Best if you clear the way for me to focus on the deceased."

"...Understood, sir."

We reached the elevator doors.

"After you, then."

The Sergeant swiped his ID, and leaned down into the retinal scanner. There was a *Ding*, and the doors slid open.

In we stepped.

The Sergeant reached forward, and pushed the up-arrow button. Just as the doors slid closed, my eyes met those of the PM. There was a brief flash of...something. I would have called it recognition, but it felt more like she was...remembering something I had reminded her of. Whatever it was, I had no more time to process it. The elevator jerked, and then up we went.

"If you don't mind me saying so, sir, we are alone now."

I looked sharply over at the Sergeant. "If you're coming on to me son, I'm afraid I don't swing that way. I appreciate the thought, though."

That obviously flustered him. Good.

"...No, sir, that's...I didn't mean…"

"S'alright, son. I was just messing with you. Now, what did you really want to ask?"

"...Well, sir, I have to know, is there a reason you didn't tell the others exactly you found the body? I mean, how it looked?"

"...Because, son, I lied. I know exactly what killed him. Knock around America as long as I have, and eventually you'll find out things you shouldn't."

"..Should I know?"

"...Probably not. But I'm at least going to tell you this: not all angels are on the side of Heaven, and not all demons are from Hell."

"Pardon, sir?"

"The..man, whoever he was...he was the recipient of quite the smiting. The kind that only an archangel can give."

If it was possible to turn even paler in the elevator's light, the Sergeant managed it.

He swallowed. "...An archangel, sir?"

I nodded. "Archangels, the Devil, Heaven, Hell, they all exist son. And if I had gone in there talking about the likes, they would have either called me crazy, or, worse, they would have convinced themselves they could reason with it."

"...I'm tempted to go the first route myself, sir."

"Can't blame you, son. Took me three years for enough evidence to pile up to convince me. But it is what it is, and if there's an archangel loose who thinks it's good fun to leave bodies lying around looking like they committed suicide, then you can be sure there will be no reasoning with it. And that's not even the real thing we need to be worried about."

"...And what's that, sir?"

"If an archangel can go through fifty floors of people, and not leave a trace of its presence, then why did it feel necessary to smite one man in particular? That, Sergeant, is what we should worry about."

The elevator jerked to a stop.

The doors slowly opened.

I gestured. "After you."


	13. Chapter 13

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:13

The Sergeant came out first, his H&K G36 ready, but not yet aimed in any particular direction.

I tapped him on the shoulder. "We're heading to the right. Just watch our left, and follow where my hand steers you."

I left my hand on his shoulder, and began to walk towards where I knew the body lay. Now, you may be wondering exactly why I wanted the body found, and even more so why I spun that whole cockamamie story for the Sergeant's benefit. I hate to sound cliche, but all I can say is "That's for me to know, and for you to find out.'' Rest assured, I had a reason, and that reason was currently resting in a famous tomb near the city of Seville, Spain.

We continued on, and came to the body. "Now son, you know there are certain things you just aren't cleared to know. So I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to keep your eyes on our surroundings, just until I make sure there isn't any sensitive material lying around."

"Understood, sir."

I knelt. There wasn't very much blood, if any. I had made sure of that last night. A little regeneration energy went a long way towards burning any stains. And eyeballs, for that matter. After ensuring that everything looked as it was meant to, I stood and turned back to the Sergeant.

"Your turn. I need another pair of eyes. Literally. I'll take watch. Just tell me if you recognize the name on the ID, and if anything seems off to you, aside from the obvious."

He swiveled, and handed me his rifle. Then he took his turn with the corpse.

I could tell when he spotted the body's clear lack of vision (see what I did there). There was a distinct retching sound that could only mean he was doing his best to hold it together.

"..It seems, sir...that, aside from.. the obvious, there appears to be a … slit, in his throat."

"Describe it."

"I would say, sir, that it appears that he was stabbed, died, and only afterwards did...the obvious occur."

I did my best to convey a feeling of confusion. "That doesn't add up. How high was the man's clearance?"

"One second, sir. I don't recognize his name, but his ID could have gotten him down here, no problem, but not any further."

"...I need another look. Take the watch."

Once again, we swapped places.

"It just doesn't make sense. Why would an archangel smite a man, after he was already dead? It… Oh. Oh no. Bollocks."

"What is, it sir?"

"I completely forgot the only other way an angel can burn a man's eyes out: if his body fails as a vessel."

"A vessel?"

"Yes. An angel can possess a human, but unlike demons, it can do so only if the human agrees to it. But if the human were dead...there wouldn't be anyone home to say no. The vessel wouldn't last nearly as long as an alive one, but it would last long enough."

"Long enough for what, sir?"

"Long enough to get somewhere it could find a willing host. And I can think of at least one person downstairs who would more than willingly say 'yes'. We need to get back down. Now. You lead the way back, I'll cover us. Guns are no more use here."

I didn't need to tell him twice. We headed back to the elevator with all possible haste.

"When's that bloody thing getting here?"

"Just a moment sir."

"We may not _have _a moment."

"I know, I know!"

A *Ding* heralded the arrival of our ride (try saying that three times fast). We practically threw ourselves forward into it.

"Down! Now!"

He slammed the button.

"Now, here's what's going to happen. I can tell if someone is currently being possessed. We're going to play it cool at first, as if we still don't have any clue what happened. If I see that anyone has said yes, I'll ask them down to level five. I can deal with them the best there. Your job will be to back me up on that, and help all the other people get the hell out of Dodge. Cause even if everything goes perfectly for me, then I'm not coming back up."

"But sir!..."

"No, don't argue. Just get the people to the ground floor. Tell whoever tries to question you or stop you that its a Code Samael, and tell them exactly who's the person in question. Whatever you do, you _can't_ let them out. If I fail, then it's gonna go looking for another vessel. And we absolutely cannot let it out into London. If I succeed, then there's gonna be one almighty explosion that should collapse just the underground. Only then can you start letting people out. Understood?"

He hesitated.

"Am I understood, Sergeant!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Good. It was a pleasure to meet you, son." I held out my hand. "Catch you on the flip side."

He took my hand, and shook it. "Same to you, sir. It was an honor."

The elevator shuddered to a halt.

The doors slid open.

I strode out, the Sergeant hot on my heels. There they were, just ahead, the doctor and the PM both. I had been tempted at first to use the doc, but I just had too many questions about the other one. And I don't like having things I know nothing about where I can't see them.

The PM greeted us first. "Were you able to ascertain what happened, Commander?"

I shook my head. "It's the strangest thing. I'm still no closer to an explanation, and that makes me nervous. Very nervous indeed."

It was here the doctor interjected his opinion. "I don't care how nervous ya are, there's still far too much ta do! We just cannot evacuate! It can't be done!"

I sighed dramatically. "I completely understand sir, which is why we are now pursuing an alternate course of action. Sergeant, get everyone you can out up to the ground floor. I intend to do a sweep of the rest of the area, as insurance. Once I send the all clear, then you may return to your workstations. I don't anticipate that I shall be any longer than a half-hour, but just to make sure you can return in plenty of time, I must ask you, ma'am," here I turned to PM, "to assist in my inspection. We'll start from the bottom, and work our way up. And when we're done, I will have to use the secure line to report to Mr. Rikkin." I was betting rather heavily here that there was, in fact, a secure line. It was the one thing I hadn't been able to confirm.

"Of course, Commander. Mr. Rikkin must be informed." Seems my bluff had held.

I turned back to the Sergeant. "You know what to do."

He nodded. "Come on, doctor. Everyone out, as soon as possible."

He grabbed the doctor's arm and began hauling him towards the nearest group of people, Scottish swearing following the whole way.

I gestured in the direction of the "downwards" elevator. "Ladies first."

"How chivalrous of you, Commander."

"I try."

One elevator ride later, and we were standing where I had been aiming the whole time: level five. I knew what I was looking for was somewhere near the back, so I didn't need to bother with searching the rest of the place. It did, however, give me an excellent excuse to have PM do so.

As she began looking for anything out of place near the front, I made my way through rows upon rows of what I can only describe as junk. Deadly junk, but junk nonetheless. I was just beginning to wonder exactly what made this place so worth hiding, when I rounded a corner, and found my answer.

Welp, looks like it was definitely clones. At least, that's what the pods with things growing inside them seemed to suggest. That was bad. Worse than resurrection, in fact. Implanting information in a new brain was a heck of a lot easier than retrieving an old brain intact. And there was no telling how many pods like these were scattered around the globe. Looks like every single building Abstergo owned had to go. Shame. I had really liked the Sergeant. And I was sure there were a good deal more people like him in Abstergo's employ. He may be safe, but the others weren't. At least they would die in ignorance. Less black on their souls.

If the pods were here, that could only mean that my target was just…

Beyond.

"Oh, they _didn't."_

But they had.

I had already been beyond disgusted with what I had pulled from the Leader's mind, but _this…_

This just made me mad. And they weren't gonna like me when I was mad.

A cryo-freeze chamber stood in front of me. Barbaric to begin with, but this version took things to an entirely new level of cruel. The occupant was meant to experience every single moment in absolute cold, with absolutely no sleep or unconsciousness as a relief. And suspended within one of the two chambers, was the person whose justice I was now in pursuit of:

Rose Tyler.

Or, more accurately, the Bad Wolf.

Whatever had been left of Rose Tyler had died long ago. This was merely the shell, filled with nothing now but rage and hatred.

A far cry from the woman who had taught mercy to a Dalek.

And this was merely the tip of what had been done to her. Yet another stone on the Templars' grave. I would make sure of that.

My plan now needed some major modifications. It wasn't enough to go through with what I had originally wanted. There needed to be more. Good thing I still had ten hours to work with.

I strode off back towards the front of the room, my coat flapping behind me. The gears in my mind whirred, piecing together new means of destruction for Abstergo worldwide. As the main exit came into view, I noticed PM waiting for me beside the doors. Now that I knew what she was, she would be the first to go.

I clamped down the rage that threatened to show on my face. "Find anything?"

She shook her head. "Of course not, Commander. There's no way anything or anyone could get to level four without the proper clearance, much less level five."

"You're entitled to your opinion. But as a matter of fact, I found several things that have the potential to change your mind."

She stiffened. "No…"

"Yes. Things that lead me to believe the secure line may not, in fact, be enough."

"Please say you didn't find any…

"Listening devices? No. But what makes you think that if anything as real as what's down here can be found, that anything else virtual is any safer? Just in case, I'm only going to tell what I found exactly once, and only then when I'm absolutely sure only the intended ears are listening."

I pointed to the nearest, and also the largest of the consoles located near the door. "You start preparing the line, but don't activate the call just yet. I'm going to try and add a few security measures of my own in the hard-wiring."

She nodded, and immediately sat and began typing away. I slid under the desk next to her (and before you ask, yes she was wearing pants). I needed an excuse to activate my visor out of her line of sight. This got me that, plus the chance to add a little more to the surprises I had arranged. Wires were yanked from their housings, connectors strung together, my visor whirring away the entire time. That little circle on my screen got connected to a bunch more little circles, all gradually filling up. Perfect. That ought to work just fine. Now all I had to do was play for time. Bantering ought to cover that quite nicely.

I slid out from under the console. "Done. Wish I could do more, but it should work for now. You got the call pulled up?"

"All ready for you, Commander."

"Excellent. Make the call."

"Sir, you know I need higher clearance to reach Mr. Rikkin. He sent you, he'll answer for you. Just enter your credentials, and we'll be good to go."

Bollocks. "Ah. About that…"

"If you're fixing to kill me, I completely understand. If I were you, I'd kill me too."

My fingers tightened their grip on my handgun. "How long have you known?"

"Just as you were going up with the Sergeant. I remembered where I'd seen paper like that before. In an old, dusty file from two hundred years ago. Psychic paper. You're him, aren't you? You're the Doctor."

I relaxed. "Close, but not quite. Friend of his. And part-time antagonist as well."

"But you're here to stop it, aren't you?"

I nodded. "All of it. All that I can."

"Good. You already killed one of the things I hated the most."

"You mean Little Miss Snake-face upstairs?"

That's the witch. And Snake-face describes her perfectly. She was the first of us, the first of the clones. And she did everything she could to make sure we were worth it to Abstergo."

"And what about you?"

"What about me? I was the next to last of the ones that lived to adulthood. After Number One got done, I was the last proper. She was my sister. And One killed her. I couldn't disobey her. I can't disobey any of them. But I could do things without them knowing."

"I wondered why security was so terrible around here."

"I waited. For so long I waited, hoping there was at least one more Assassin. That they would find us. Find everything. And burn it all, me along with it. Can you do that? Will you - for me?"

"...As the lady wishes."

"...Thank you. Right then. The Doctor had a tool of some kind, that let him through to whatever he wanted. Do you have one too?"

I tapped twice on behind my ear. "Yes. More efficient, as well."

She stared. "I can see why you avoided using it. Very intimidating."

"Thanks. So, how do you want to do this."

"All it'll take is a little work from you, and the call should go through. It should connect to Rikkin, no matter where he is. But before you call...before he answers...you're going to have to kill me."

"Understood. You don't want to risk him giving you orders."

"...Yes. Please be quick."

"I can do better than quick. I can make it relatively painless. That is, if you don't have any objections to being kissed."

"...No, no I can't think of any."

"Okay then."

Slowly, out came my pistol. Funny, I was only just now realizing it was a Colt. Appropriate. 'I will fear no evil', indeed. "I just have one question left for you…"

She looked up at me, obviously at peace. "Yes?"

"Your name. Do you have one?"

"...No."

"Would you like one?"

"...Yes."

I thought for a minute. There was really only one name I could choose, of course. "The Doctor had a friend, once. She gave her life to destroy the organization she worked for, once she found out what they were. Her name..your name, should be... Astrid."

The word came whispering through her lips. "Astrid. I like it."

"Excellent."

I raised my gun.

"Wait!"

I paused.

"What's your name? Your real one?"

"...Witcher. They call me.. The Witcher."

"...It suits you. Alright. I'm ready."

I nodded. "Catch you on the flip side, Astrid."

"And the same to you, Witcher. The same to you ..."

*BANG*

It was a nice kiss, as far as kisses go. I mean, I only had four to go on so far, but it was by far the best. I hoped it was nice for her.

I sighed.

The world was never fair. And I could do was try to make sure it was only unfair to me.

The little circles on my screen had filled up completely. I was ready.

I activated the call, and jammed the line open.

Back off went the mask. I needed to meet the man face-to-face.

I needed him to see every bit of hatred I held for him and his precious Templars.

The call connected.

And there he was. In all of his cinematic villain glory.

"Mr. Rikkin."

"Who is this?"

"A thousand apologies, my good sir. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth, and taste. I've been around for a long, long time; stole many a man's soul and faith."

If it was possible for holograms to go from blue to white, I believe he came the closest to managing it.

I chuckled. I was going to enjoy every moment of this.

I continued.

"I was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and faith. Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands, and sealed his fate. Pleased to meet you! Hope you guessed my name! But what's puzzling you is the...

I am ashamed to say I did the Rumpelstiltskin hand thing.

"Nature of my game!"

I stood there for a good bit. Waiting. For anything, really. Finally, when it was just beginning to get awkward, I gave up.

"Seriously? I do all that, and I don't even get a 'hello' back? Rude."

He swallowed. A single whispered word came from his lips. "_Samael."_

"Yes. That is my name. Or rather, it used to be."

"..._Lucifer."_

"Again, technically correct, so I'll give it to you. But I feel I should tell you I go by another moniker now. Makes things easier when dealing with less-religious types."

Again with the whispering. "..._What?"_

"They call me," I struck a dramatic pose, "...The Witcher. And I.. am your worst nightmare."

He swallowed again.

And for once, it wasn't me that said it.

"_...Bollocks."_


	14. Chapter 14

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:14

"Really, I expected better language from you, Mr. Rikkin. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don't you know God is watching?"

"_...What have you done?"_

"Oh, you know, little bit of this, little bit of that. I am the original Renaissance man, after all."

"_WHAT DID YOU DO?"_

"Jeesh, bit loud there Ricky. Now I'm tempted not to tell you... Oh, who am I kidding, of course I'm gonna tell ya!"

I pulled over the seat with Astrid's body in it, and then stared down at it. "...Well, I was gonna take a seat, but looks like someone already took it. Oh well."

I pushed the seat back out of view. "Sorry 'bout that."

The man was doing a pretty good impression of a corpse himself. Honestly, I was tempted to double-check I wasn't talking to a projection.

"Any who, what I did. Quite a lot, honestly. But for now, let's talk about what you did!" I held up one finger. "Firstly, you managed to lock up every single Assassin left. And when I say every one, I really do mean every. One. You would not believe how long I've gone without a good philosophical discussion. Good on you for that one. Secondly," here I dropped my first finger and moved to my second one, "You orchestrated not only the uncovering of Torchwood, but also John Lumic's plan to convert humanity to a single unthinking, unfeeling organism. Honestly can't say how I missed that the first time, it was blindingly obvious in hindsight. Just your double standard to say humanity should have access to all the information it can, and then go behind their backs and dictate what they can use said information for. Thirdly," next finger, "you found out exactly what went wrong with both ends of your scheme: namely, the Tyler family. And then you did what you do best: you arranged to have it removed. All of them, one... by... one. Even to a guy like me, that's cold. But it was the Doctor that truly scared you. You thought maybe you could control him by threatening his precious Rose, that he would willingly climb into that ice to save her, all the while planning to take them both. But because you are truly one of the dumbest individuals that has ever had the misfortune of meeting me," here I smiled, '' You forgot, just for a moment, that wasn't the real Doctor. You forgot were he was born: in fire. And so, when he took the fire within himself to burn you to the ground, you had no choice but to kill him as well. And it's here...that you did the fourth thing." My final finger went up. "What I consider to be an absolute abomination. You _ripped apart _their DNA; the Doctor and Rose Tyler both. And then you started _changing it. _Trying to make it better, stronger, faster, smarter, more obedient. _And you tested every single change on Her. _But you didn't stop there, oh no, that was just the tip of Project Rewrite. To top it all off, as your piece-de-resistance, you made..._clones. _You placed their pods directly in front of Her, just so she could see the only children that would ever be hers, grow up to take their places with you. Even I know that souls are something you don't just go changing on a whim. You went and threw out the whole manual just to write your own, and anything that disagreed with you... well, lets just say, I'm sure you have quite a lot of closets, let alone skeletons. And they say _I _like to play God."

His anger was visible now. He had gone from white to red rather quickly. But the whisper remained. "..._What do you want."_

"You. Downstairs. I dearly want to spend some good quality time together. I'll even bring marshmallows!"

"_You're insane!"_

"Duh! Hello! It's me! ...That being said, there is something I will gladly take as a consolation prize."

He ground his teeth."_And what. Is. That."_

"Your face. Specifically, the expression it makes when you realize I never answered you when you asked exactly what I had done...Ah! There it is! There! It! Is! Oh,it's even more beautiful than I imagined! You have no idea how much I wish I had a camera!"

I didn't think it was possible to show that much horror and terror on a face. Dude looked like he'd come across a scene from a Lovecraft story.

"The answer is, of course, that _I_ haven't done a single thing. It was you. It was all you. I've always been a sucker for ironic endings. The moment this call went through, your computer connected to the one I'm currently standing in front of. Lots of little ones and zeros, flying through the air, from here to there. Relaying more than just this conversation, I'm afraid. Specifically, relaying a bunch of nasty little programs I wrote on the very nice desktops you have upstairs here. I had intended to just tear down this one little part of your Crusade fan club, but I never know when to stop, so I'm afraid I may have gone a bit overboard. Still, it's what you get for trying to control everything. Your computer is connected to pretty much every other one owned by Abstergo, and if not, I'm sure they're just a hop and a skip away. And for the past," I pretended to check my watch, "six minutes, you've been passing along my handiwork to every single thing you have hooked into it. So, in order, here's what's _going _to happen: every single potato you have with even a bit of data stored on it is gonna start chewing its way through every secure file it can get its teeth into; and then dump what's left of that file all over the Web. And when it finally gets knocked out by your security, the whole thing will simply jump over to the next potato, and keep chugging away. By now well over half of your computers should be permanently disabled, if not spitting flames."

Finally, he moved, desperately pressing any and all buttons he could think of to cut me off.

I clutched my heart with a shocked expression. "_Really! _Of all the nerve! Hanging up in the middle of a conversation! I guess chivalry really is dead. And if not, well, then it's certainly about to be. I wouldn't bother, Ricky, it was just too, too easy to jam this thing wide open. We haven't even gotten to the best part yet! Because, you see, I also managed to find those nasty little additions on each and every single one of your building projects."

That froze him on the spot.

"Oh, yes, I know all about them. How you designed them, how you hid them, and, best of all, how you controlled them. Controlled. As in, you don't anymore. I now have the ability to take the lives of each and every single person whose soul you've stolen. Each and every person you've ever sucked into this abomination of an organization. Including yourself. All I have to do is say the word, and a lovely mixture of both cyanide and the equivalent of breathable aspirin will be sprayed over every inch your empire. Extermination at its finest, I must say. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were a Dalek. One word. That's all it takes. Then, *poof*! Genocide. So tell me… would you like to know the word?"

"_No ...no, no, no,..."_

I snarled "_Too bad! _Because the word… is… _Sinnerman."_

And just like that, the room was filled with the piano keys of Nina Simone's classic.

"_Oh, Sinnerman, _

_Where you gonna run to?_

_Oh, Sinnerman,_

_Where you gonna run to?_

_Oh, Sinnerman,_

_Where you gonna run to,_

_All on that day?"_

"Well? Where you gonna run, Ricky? Cause boy, you better start. Me? I got plenty of time. Might even pop over to the West Indies, then right back again. Can you outrun the Devil Myself, Ricky boy? Time for you to find out. Now….._RUN!_"

The screen finally went black. His computer had finally run out of connections, and so was forced to turn on the only one left: itself.

Despite what I had told Rikkin, I did not, in fact, have plenty of time. I was just as susceptible to death via aspirin spray as anyone else here. Everyone, that is, except for one person.

I turned and ran towards the back of the level. There was only one place in this entire accursed place that hadn't had the bug sprayers installed: the cryo-freeze chamber. Personally, I thought it was hilarious. The one room that actually contained someone all too willing to burn the world was missing the one method known to guarantee that they never would.

And it was conveniently missing an occupant.

Back on my mask came. It wouldn't hold up against the amount of poison I knew was coming, but it would work for now. Plus, I needed my visor. To not only get into the freezer, but to insure I wouldn't go stark raving mad after eight hours with my eyes open.

The outer door of the chamber slid open. A wave of cold came blasting out. I forced myself through it, then closed the door behind me. The doors I set to open again after all of the poison had settled. The tube on the left beckoned me in. In I crawled.

As the ice around me grew, I realized the Sergeant was probably going to die after all. Shame. I doubt he knew what had gone on down here. If he had a family, I would do what I could for them.

The ice closed over my visor.

I whispered one last thought. "Catch you on the flip side."

Then black filled my vision.


	15. Chapter 15

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:15

Turns out their method for defrosting someone was just as terrible as the actual freezing.

I fell out of the container, feeling like I had been taped to the end of a hair dryer that had been turned on high.

Once some semblance of feeling returned to my limbs, I struggled to my feet. If things were that bad for me, who had barely been in there for a third of a day, how on Gallifrey were they going to feel for Her?

Nothing short of Hell, I was sure. Time to put that spare regeneration energy I had "accumulated" to good use. Blimey, this was going to be awkward.

My visor whirred, and her container came to life. A jet of hot air blasted down from above Her, blowing away whole chunks of ice at a time. When they hit the bottom, they vaporized into steam, clouding Her form. I deactivated my visor, and moved in front to catch Her.

As She fell into my arms, I forced every ounce of energy I had into a kiss.

That kiss…Ooo, that kiss.

By far the best I've ever had.

As the last bit of glow disappeared through Her lips, Her eyes finally met mine.

I could see the Time Vortex behind them, at the beck and call of the Bad Wolf. Gradually, it faded, leaving the enchanting orbs I had known for years.

I smiled. "Welcome back, Rose Tyler."

Her voice, barely more than a whisper after centuries of disuse, wafted towards me.

"_...Doc...tor?"_

Whereupon she promptly passed out in my arms.

I sighed. "Figures. Looks like I'm gonna have some serious explaining to do later."

For now, it was best to let Her rest. Her body had some major healing to do, to say nothing of Her mind.

I swung Her up into my arms, and slowly headed back towards the elevators. There were just a few things I needed to grab, then we could start heading towards the top of the building.

As we passed the cloning pods, I was sorely tempted to destroy them. If they hadn't had anyone in them, I probably would have just blew them all to bits. As it was, only two of them were occupied. I paused just long enough to fry the circuits of the others. I would have to come back and deal with the other two later.

As the exit came into view, my eyes came to rest on Astrid's body. She had given everything she had to bring down the Templars. Now, she was going to help us escape them.

I gently lowered Rose to the ground. She needed a few more clothes than what she currently had, and, as much as I hated to admit it, it wasn't like Astrid was gonna be using them anytime soon.

First, off came the shoes. Then the socks. Those I pulled onto Her feet, leaving the shoes behind. I managed to get the suit coat off as well, and then thread Her arms through the sleeves. Finally, I pulled off my own grey and wrapped Her in it. That ought to do the trick. At least until we made it to the TARDIS.

I swept Rose back up into my arms, and stood. If you didn't know better, you would have thought Astrid was merely sleeping. Her whole face seemed to radiate peace, her eyelids closed and a smile on her lips.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

It wasn't enough, but it was all I had.

Her identification hung from my fingers. It was a bit of a chore to swipe it through the reader while holding a sleeping person, much less to get close enough for a retinal scan, but I managed. The elevator doors slid open. We stepped in. And up we went.

It took a fairly long time to get all the way back up to the ground floor. Just making it through the doors in the emergency stairwell took ten minutes. At last, our next-to-last elevator stopped. The hidden wooden doors through which I had come merely half-a-day before swung open towards us easily, and I was greeted with...

Bodies.

So many bodies.

I had known there would be a lot, but still…

I counted at least seven who had tried to claw their way into the hidden passage. That made seven more souls burning Downstairs, given they obviously knew what was done on the levels below. I gingerly stepped over them, taking care not to disturb my sleeping cargo.

Everywhere I looked, I saw Death. Corpses covered practically every inch of the place.

But it was near the front that the majority of them lay. If the Sergeant hadn't made it, that was where I'd find him. Men like him don't let a little thing like Death keep them from their duty.

Yep, there he was. Or what was left of him. The bodies in front of him had obviously died from bullets, not poison. I would venture that when enough people had realized what was coming for them, they had tried to force their way out...directly through the Sergeant. And he had held the line, unwilling to risk unleashing something worse than Death into London. It wasn't easy to kneel down and close his eyes, but it was worth it. I had never asked his name, but his badge clearly read "Calvers, William".

I would do my best for what family he might have left behind. They deserved it.

I stood, and slowly picked my way back to the main elevator. Coming through here for the first time, I had been forced to stick to the stairs and corners. This time, there wasn't anyone around to ask awkward questions, and I had a good deal more to carry. I was for sure gonna take the easy way up.

We rode it almost all the way, only stopping when we got to the floor just below the top. Better safe than sorry, after all. I didn't fancy getting shot in the face as soon as the doors opened. Well, shot in the bulletproof mask, but you get the idea.

As we rounded the corner of the last stairway, my mask immediately began scanning for human life signs. None. Good. There were a few bodies, but that was to be expected. This was the area they would have investigated the most thoroughly after they realized something was wrong. Shame it was so far from any means of escape.

I gently set Rose down in one of the desk chairs. Seems they had cleared out the first bodies I had left behind. I wonder exactly what went through the minds of those who first came on the scene. Something with colorful language, I had no doubt.

*Click*

I sighed. "Really? You think a gun will work on me?"

"_Oh no, I'm sure it wouldn't. Lucky me, I've got something meant specifically for killing angels. Now, turn around. Slowly."_

I turned, and was met with the barrel of a revolver. A Colt, in fact.

_The _Colt.

The Colt that could kill anything.

The Colt meant specifically to kill anything and everything.

Everything-killing Colt.

_That _Colt.

Oh, the irony.

The one thing I knew for a fact couldn't kill archangels, was one of the few I suspected could kill a Time Lord. And I was being threatened with it.

And behind its barrel, was a face I had just recently pissed off in all manner of ways.

Or, what was left of a face.

"Yeesh, Ricky boy, time has not been kind to you. Or was it me?"

"_SHUT UP."_

'Sure thing, Ricky, sure thing."

"_Now, back yourself all the way to the elevator. You and I are going for a little ride."_

I would have gone for my own gun, but it was currently in my coat. The one I had given to Rose. I had no choice; I began to comply.

"Let me guess: I forgot about the helipad?"

"_Give the gentleman a cigar. Ironically, that was merely the latest of your mistakes."_

"Oh, really? Pray tell."

"_I was halfway to the West Indies before I realized what you had done...or rather, hadn't. You wiped out every single one of our genetically-engineered people. I only survived due to a handy breath mask. You released every single Assassin we had into the wild when the computers controlling their cells shut down. You even decimated every last bank account and front company we had. BUT. You hadn't activated the explosives that would have buried what was left of our work under tons of rubble. And the only reason someone like you wouldn't slide in that final dagger, was if there was something left here you wanted. Something...precious. You wanted Her. And now, I find you both here, just on the other side of wherever it is you came from. Waiting for..something. Perhaps, for her to wake up? People can't say yes when they're asleep, after all. Vessel wearing a bit thin, Witcher? I noticed you're wearing a mask now. Eyes not what they used to be? Perhaps you were hoping some of that DNA tinkering you were looking down on not too long ago had produced a better meatsuit. One a bit more suited for you."_

I softly began to applaud. "Oh, well done, Ricky boy. Top of the class. I'll have to make sure you get one of my better torturers. We could use a demon as smart as you."

"_You still think you can win this? Don't you know? The Devil never wins! There was no ride; I just needed your back to the elevator shaft long enough for it to go up one more level! You've got a long drop ahead of you, for both your body __and_ _your soul!"_

He aimed the Colt. "_Go to Hell!"_

I smiled. "You first, Ricky boy."

*BANG!*

He stumbled. And I moved.

My knife slid into his chest. In, and out, and in, and out.

Finally, he stopped breathing. There had been no absorbing of energy; I had wanted his Death to last. And so it had. His body had finally run out of juice to repair the absolutely huge amount of damage I had inflicted on it.

It was finished.

I slowly came to my feet.

And in front of me, eyes swirling gold, still pointing my handgun, stood the Bad Wolf.

Her voice seemed to fill the room, a far cry from Her earlier whisper.

"YOU ARE HE."

"The Doctor? No, no, I'm afraid I'm not. Just someone who saw something evil that needed fixing."

"YOU ARE NOT THE DOCTOR. YOU ARE HE."

"I'm sorry, then, I'm afraid I don't understand. Who's _He_?"

"HE IS THE WHITE WOLF. YOU ARE HE. YOU ARE MINE."

"Yours? What does that mean, yo ...ohhhhhhhhhh. _Yours."_

"YES. _MINE_."

Of all the ways to find out how I had gotten tossed into the Doctor's universe, this was not the one I would have picked. Clearly, the Bad Wolf was a good deal more powerful than the Doctor had thought. I checked the date on my visor, something I had neglected to do earlier. Sure enough, it read as June 27th. One day after I fell through the Crack.

"You saw all this, didn't you? When you became Yourself. You saw it all."

"YES."

"...Well then, there's really only one question I have to ask: can you tell me why? I mean, why me?"

"I CANNOT SEE BEYOND THE REALITY I AM IN. BUT I SAW THE WHITE WOLF.. I SAW YOU. YOU WOULD BRING ME BACK. BACK TO MY HOME. AND NOW, YOU ARE HERE. WE ARE THE TWO THAT ARE ONE. TWO WOLVES, HOWLING FOR BLOOD. YOU ARE MINE. AND I AM YOURS."

"...Ah. And...what of Rose?"

"SHE WILL NEED HEALING. YOU WILL HELP. BUT YOU CANNOT HEAL. MORE I CANNOT TELL YOU."

"So basically, spoilers."

"YES."

"...Fair enough. Would you mind putting the gun down, now?"

Slowly, the gun barrel lowered. Just as it came to rest at Her side, the glow in Her eyes disappeared, and She pitched forward.

I only just managed to catch her before she hit the floor. Looks like the Bad Wolf had used a fair amount of the energy I had given Rose. She was going to be out for quite a bit longer, now.

I set her back in the chair. Just a few more things to take care of, then we could lift off. But first: the Colt.

I had no idea how it had gotten here. By all accounts, it shouldn't exist in this reality. The last I heard, the Men of Letters had it. And as bad as they were, they weren't nearly as bad as the Templars. Unless they had done something stupid like throwing it through a portal to an alternate reality, I couldn't fathom where Rikkin had gotten ahold of it. I'd have to look into it.

For now, I pried the Colt from his hand. I checked the chambers. Five bullets. Missing eight. I began going through his pockets. Ah-ha! I pulled out... an entire box of cartridges. That was worrying. They obviously had access to supernatural help when it came to replicating the ammunition. That, plus how easily my play at being the Devil had succeeded, didn't exactly give me a comforting feeling.

I would just have to move that much faster, then.

Into one of my cargo pockets went the Colt, and into the opposite went the extra ammo. His ID went next to the others I had accumulated. That was one thing done with. Now, for the TARDIS.

I turned back to where I had seen her vanish 24 hours later. I hoped I was right about the recharge time. My visor began to whir.

For a moment, I was afraid I had miscalculated. Then, gradually…

_VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH. BOOM._

There She stood, in all her blue glory.

"Hello, beautiful. Long time no see. Sorry about any trouble I might have given you, but in the end, it was worth it. You see, I've brought an old friend home for tea."

The doors swung open, and warm light streamed out.

Gently, I eased Rose up off of the chair. She was still sound asleep, and ...I think I detected a slight snore. It was beautiful. A smile crossed my face. I hadn't been a Time Lord very long, but already I felt I had done more as one than I ever had as a human. And I was just getting started.

I stepped into the TARDIS .

And the doors swung closed behind me.


	16. Chapter 16

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:16

"Well, I've got to say, you are a sight for sore eyes. You didn't have too much trouble did you?"

The TARDIS made a little *be-whoop* that I took to mean "not much."

"Good. Speaking of trouble, you'll be happy to know I ran into an absolute buttload of it."

*Bu-whee?*

"Yep. And take a look at who I found right in the middle of it. And before you shriek and start jumping for joy, she's sound asleep, and don't think she'd care to be woken up."

I turned to let the light of the console fall on Rose's face.

What little background noise the Old Girl had been making ground to a halt. Even a human could have heard a pin drop.

"You wouldn't happen to still have her old room still hanging around, would you? She'd probably appreciate waking up somewhere familiar."

A blinding multi-colored light flashed from the door at the top right of the stairs.

"Thanks, Old Girl. But would you mind just toning it down a bit? I'm sure she'll be just as happy to see you, but for now, she needs rest."

The light dimmed.

"Appreciate it."

It didn't take long to get Rose to her room. I only stayed long enough to make sure she was tucked in tight, and get my coat back; what was in her room was none of my business. I did take one last look back from her doorway, though; she had been through so much, and felt so much pain.

I wonder if she had kids while she was with Tentoo. I couldn't find any mention of them in Abstergo's files. If she had, then that was just one more mark on Rikkin's soul. For once, I actually regretted not being the Devil proper. It would have been my pleasure to torture him myself.

I headed back to the console room.

"We've got a few more things to take care of before we can leave, Old Girl. I hate to ask, but do you have enough fuel for three short hops?"

*Be-whoo?* (How short?)

"One just a few floors down, then to Seville, Spain, and from there, somewhere in England. Not sure the exact location yet."

*Be-yoop* (Very well.)

"Excellent. First, downstairs."

I threw the lever, and then immediately brought it back up again.

I strode over to the doors, and pushed them open.

Looks like I hit my mark. The cloning pods lay just in front of me. I hopped out, bringing my visor back up as I did so.

They were pretty basic, even by human standards. The only truly advanced part of them was their electronics: how they downloaded information directly into the children's brains. It was, however, booby trapped. I couldn't just remove the one part, otherwise the whole thing would vaporize in my face. The only thing I could do for now was pause the upload, for the both of them.

I was in a similar position when it came to the actual growth stimulation. Once something starts growing, unless you kill it, it doesn't stop growing. You can slow it down some, but life just keeps on keeping on. And I really hated to kill any more innocent people today, especially a pair of children that appeared to be around three years old.

The first thing I had to do was to disconnect the two containers from the main controlling circuit; a cinch with Rikkin's ID. After that, I diminished the nutrient feeds back to what they normally should be for young humans. That ought to slow things down enough for me to plan out an alternate solution.

Physically moving the containers was going to be a good deal more difficult. I couldn't just pick them up in a hand-cart, after all….

Huh, waddya know, turns out I could just pick them up in a hand-cart.

All I can say is thank Gallifrey I didn't have to deal with the stairs and corners of the Eleventh Doctor's second TARDIS. That would have been a nightmare.

It still ended up taking an hour, but finally, I got both of the pods hooked up to the appropriate feeds.

The growth had indeed slowed down to normal human levels. Their brain development, however…

I couldn't delete the program. I tried everything I could think of, even a few things the Old Girl suggested, but...nothing. It wasn't until I discovered the physical hard-drives were coded in Enochian that I realized it would take a literal angel to destroy the thing. One who was good with computers.

The most I was able to do was to replace some of the program's instructions (think: All Assassins are evil and should be killed), and slow it down to match the physical growth pattern. I even left myself a back door back in to tweak the programming as well, if something occurred to me later that the two would need to know. But without a big red button, those pods wouldn't open up for another seventeen years. Not until every single bit of data was uploaded.

Plenty of time.

I made my way back up above-decks.

The Old Girl deserved at least some explanation for what I was taking on board, and why.

"...Listen, there are a lot of things that happened...out there, that were pretty bad. Horrific, in fact. And most of them happened to… Rose. And one of those things was...they stole her DNA. Tried to replicate it, improve it. And then… they cloned it. I don't know how many times. I only met two of them. One was evil, clear through. I killed her pretty painfully. But the other...she was something else. Became something else. She knew what had been done to make her. She helped destroy those who did it. And.. she died for it. If it wasn't for her, I would have blown every last one of those pods to bits, occupants or not. But because she never got a chance to live a better life, I intend to try and give it to those two downstairs. Does that sound... okay... to you?"

For a very long while, there was nothing but silence.

After an eternity, She spoke.

*Be-boop* (Okay.)

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. "Thank you. I've only got one more thing to do here, then we're off for Seville."

I made my way to the front of the level. I did, however, take a slightly different way to get there, this time. If I was going to carry around a weapon that could quite literally kill anything under the sun, well then I was gonna wear a cool holster that matched. It took mere moments to find what I was looking for: a bunch of workbenches with all manner of weapon parts and leather strewn over them. Not very many holsters, unfortunately, but I did find a rather nice black one that fit my belt perfectly. I slid it around to my left side in a cavalry draw, and then strapped the Colt in. I was just about to leave when I spied a bunch of strange looking bullets lying next to a bandolier. Now, I may be a little uneducated when it came to things that go *bang*, but I was pretty sure you didn't load glass bullets into guns. I picked one up and took a close look.

It was a laser.

Abstergo had created miniature, self-recharging laser cartridges for converting handguns.

Color me impressed.

They obviously hadn't gotten it just right for semi-automatics yet, but still, it was good work. I grabbed a few off the bench, then pressed on to the main console.

Rikkin's ID got me into a good deal more than I had previously been able to access directly. It was almost easy explosives that he had mentioned...I had missed them earlier. And it had almost killed me. I was about to return the favor.

It took very little effort for me to find what I was looking for, now that I knew it was there. Yep, lots of nasty little black boxes, on all five floors. In each and every building Abstergo owned. And they were all connected to each other via closed circuit. Turns out Rikkin was smarter than I had originally thought. The bombs could only be activated from the level five of an Abstergo base. And only by him. Probably thought it was a good idea to have a 'scorched earth' policy in case the unthinkable ever happened. Now it had already happened, and I was left holding the trigger.

I set the timer for five minutes, and then started it.

I had said the Templars would burn. Now, they would.

I flew back to the TARDIS, my coat flapping behind me. The doors slammed shut behind me, and I leapt the distance to the console. Right, Seville. Off we go.

I threw the lever, just as the first explosion went off on-screen.

Definitely time to leave.

We dematerialized.

Hopefully, what had just happened around the world in the space of less than a day would cause enough of a distraction for me to reach my next goal without any interference, natural or supernatural. Because I was quite sure that where I was going next would quite a lot of attention from the latter.

While in flight, I pulled up everything I could find on William Calvers. No wife or kids, apparently. Career man. He did have a mother still alive, though, in Surrey. I copied the coordinates down for when we made the next hop.

With a thud, we landed. I could tell all this traveling through the wrong reality was stretching the Old Girl's limits.

"It's okay, Old Girl. Just one more trip after this, then we can leave. I promise."

I pushed open the doors, and stepped out.

Ha! First try. I even got the right time of night!

Before me stood the tomb of one of the most hotly debated people in history: Christopher Columbus. And all I had to do was open it, grab what I came here for, then get out.

There was just one slight problem:

It was suspended twenty feet in midair.

"Bollocks."

If it had been held up by pillars or columns, I think I would have been completely out of luck. As it was, even with four statues to use as foot and handholds, it still took far too long to climb on top.

You have no idea how hard it is to rotate a stone lid using just you knees because your hands are too busy trying to keep it from sliding off. I was sweating bullets by the time I finally cleared enough of the tomb for me to reach in and grab the object of my desire using just my teeth. From there, it was back on the lid went, and then down the statue I had used to clamber up.

Finally, I stood at the bottom again, with my prize still clenched between my teeth. I reached up for it, and then pulled it away to get a proper look at it. No doubt about it, this was it. Oh, the irony that the Apple of Eden had been in my _mouth, _of all places.

"To think the Templars spent centuries looking for this, and here it was, under their very noses the entire time."

"I was unaware there were any Templars still around, much less any looking for ...whatever that is."

I had already whipped my body around to face the voice by the third word, the Colt coming up in my hand.

He (whoever he was) held up his hands. "Please, I mean you no harm."

"Maybe. But that doesn't necessarily mean you wish me health, either."

"On the contrary. I'm a priest. It's kind of my job."

"...Fair point. How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to see you appear out of thin air. You wouldn't happen to be an angel, would you?

"I'm afraid not, Father. But I can give one a quick call, if you'd like."

"I think I can handle that myself, thank you...If I might ask, what exactly is it that you have there?"

"It was my understanding conversations usually began with introductions, but it appears we've skipped right to the part where we ask somewhat personal questions."

"You're right. My apologies. My name is Camilleri; Father Luca Camilleri. And yours is?"

"Camilleri?"

"You as well?"

"No, sorry, it's just.. You're Father Camelleri?"

"That is what they call me, yes."

If there was ever any proof that Fate existed, this was it.

I couldn't help it. I chuckled. Then I laughed. Then I nearly passed out from the lack of oxygen.

When I was finally able to breathe again, I holstered the Colt and stuck my hand out.

"Sorry bout that, it's just that I wasn't expecting to find _you, _of all people, much less here. Put her there, Father."

Slowly, he reached out, and took my hand.

"Witcher. My name is Witcher."

"It's a pleasure. If I might ask, how did you recognize my name? You don't seem, well, forgive me, but you don't seem very religious."

"Oh, you'd be surprised. But in this case, you are absolutely right. I recognized you from a story a couple of my friends once told. One involving a certain stolen relic."

His eyes widened. "You know…"

"The two denim-clad disasters? Not personally, but I'm well acquainted with the madness that is their lives."

"...Am I then to assume that the object you are currently holding possesses a bit more power than what is natural?

"Absolutely Father. Because, you see, this...is the original Apple of Eden."

"...You're not serious."

"I'm always serious. With days off."

"Then it should be protected! We should place it under lock and key - in the Vatican! Yes, that's it!"

"FATHER."

He turned back to me, freezing when he realized I had once more drawn my gun.

"None of that is going to happen, for one very simple reason: the Templars."

"...What of them?"

"Have you checked the news recently?"

"Yes, but they've been running nothing but updates on the collapse of some company called Abstergo."

"Collapse is right. As it turns out, it was a front for a modern group of Knight Templars. And they weren't what you think they were. They tried to play God, in more ways than one. Bending man's will to their own. They searched for the Apple for centuries, because it would have given them the ability to do just that. I objected. So I toppled them, literally and figuratively. I doubt they have a single building left standing anywhere in the world. But if I know anything, it's that there's no way they're gone for good. And if we were to just give something like the Apple of Eden to the Church, where, need I remind you, the Templars originated, just exactly what do you think would happen?"

"...Bad things?"

"Very bad things. Now, I could try and find our friends in flannel, and give it to them for safe-keeping, but frankly, they've got enough on their plates at the moment. And as much as I would like to, I can't destroy it. So what I'm going to do is take it as far away from this universe as I can. Remove the temptation, so to speak."

"And how will you do that?"

"Very carefully. In fact, I don't anticipate ever coming back to this reality again. But, just in case I ever need to return, might I trouble you for a few drops of blood from 'a most holy man'?"

"Is that what they needed it for? Travel between different worlds?"

"Something like that."

"Were they from another world?"

"No."

"Are you?"

"...Yes. Okay with that?"

"What is Heaven but another world we cannot enter except through Christ?"

"...I'll take that as a yes. Wish I could stay longer, but I better get cracking. The Templars aren't gonna be on the back foot for long, and I need to get out of here before they notice someone popping up places they probably shouldn't be."

"Then I shan't delay you any longer."

I holstered the Colt once more. "Thank you for understanding."

"Of course, my son."

I turned back to the TARDIS.

"Wait."

I paused. "Yes?"

"You said you toppled them. All by yourself."

"Yes."

"How many lives did you take to do so?"

I thought of Astrid, buried now and forever in a cement tomb.

"...Too many."

"Do you regret it?"

"...No."

"Then, I'm afraid your soul may be in some danger, my son."

"...My soul was lost a long time ago, Father. All I can do now is try and keep anyone else from losing theirs. And end those who already have."

"...My mistake. You are not lost, after all. You are like the older of the two brothers I met: a very rare thing in this world. Not a good man, no. Something else."

"...And that is?"

"A Righteous One. Farewell, my son. May Heaven take your soul."

"I doubt it will, Father. But I appreciate the thought."

"Not a thought. A prayer. Here. You asked for my blood. After, well, you know... I started carrying a few vials of it. I thought it might be useful for other things. It turns out it works well when used in place of an exorcism."

I accepted the offered vial. "Thank you. For everything."

"And you as well."

"Catch you on the Flip Side, Father."

He nodded, and slowly began to walk away.

It was my turn. "Father?"

He turned back. "Yes?"

"You might want to watch this next bit."

The doors swung closed behind me. On-screen, I could see him still standing there, waiting.

I threw the lever.

_VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH._

I took a screenshot. His expression was something I would treasure for years.

"Worth it."

I looked back to the controls. "Right, then. Next stop, Surrey."


	17. Chapter 17

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:17

Surrey looked like...well, like Surrey.

Same cut-out houses, same picture perfect lawns, same cars in the driveways. Even when I was human, living someplace like this would have driven me spare.

I double-checked the coordinates. I couldn't rely on my eyes, too much sameness out there. Yep, right spot. I could still feel the Sergeant's ID in my coat pocket, feeling for all the world like it was burning a whole through. I took a deep breath.

Time to pay the man.

I stepped out…

And promptly tripped over a cat and fell flat on my face.

If it had been any other color cat, I would have chalked it up to bad timing, but _no, _this one _had _to be black. A bad omen if I ever saw one.

And for once, I was right on the money.

"Oh my! Sir, are you alright?"

"Just give a minute, and I'll be fine, thanks."

"Here, let me give you a hand!"

"No, no, that's alright. I've got it."

I pushed myself up, trying very hard not to accidentally put my hands down on another cat. When I was upright once more, I turned to see who it was that had come to my rescue.

"...Arabella _FIGG?"_

"Do I know you, young man?"

"...No, no I don't suppose you do. Sorry."

"Quite alright dearie. But I must say, I haven't gone by Figg in some time now, oh, some time indeed."

Bollocks.

"...You wouldn't happen to go by the name 'Calvers' now, would you ma'am?"

"Why, yes, however did you know?"

Double bollocks.

"...Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some... bad news... about your son."

"...Oh..Oh, my...Why don't you...come on inside then, dearie? I'll just...put on the tea. Do you...drink tea?"

"...Yes, ma'am. I do."

"Right then...this way, then."

And inside we went.

"There's a closet to your right, if you'd like to hang up your coat."

"Thank you, ma'am."

Slowly, I pulled off my coat, taking a look around the room as I did so. It looked virtually identical to what I expected. I could see two of the cats from the movies, plus the one still out on the lawn that I almost killed myself on.

"..tea should be done in a jiffy." Ms. Figg, sorry, Calvers, said as she walked back in. "If you'd like to...take a seat?" She gestured towards the sofa with the least amount of cat on it.

"Thank you very much." I moved over to the suggested spot and sat. "Right. I've..never had to do something like this before. Where would you like me to start?"

"Well, a name would be a nice place to start, dearie."

"Sorry. My name's Winchester. Commander Winchester."

"Do you work with my son?"

"Not really, ma'am. My work is how I met him, but we weren't exactly in the same department. The only reason I'm the one here now is I was the one with him when...it..happened."

I could hear the quiver in her voice. "..What did happen, dearie."

I sighed. I was hating every second of this, but it had to be done. "You know where he worked, I'm guessing?"

"Yes. I did. I thought it was that place they said burned down on the news, and I've..been trying not to worry too much... ever since I heard."

"...Well, I can tell you that anything you hear on the news from now on will be entirely made of lies. The fact is...Abstergo, the place where he worked, well, it had...things going on that were wrong. Not just illegal, but wrong. I probably shouldn't even be telling you this, security and all, but..you deserve to hear it. The facts are, ma'am, that your son found out about some of the things, and did everything he could to bring them to light. That's how I got called in, actually. I was the one who helped him get the information out. But when the higher ups found out, they did everything they could to stop it. Even went so far as to blow up the building we were in. But your son...he still managed to take down the man responsible. I tried to help, but...in the end, it was just him holding the line. I got there too late. I'm... sorry. So, so sorry."

"Oh, dearie. You..tried your best, I'm sure."

"No, but don't you see? I sent him where I thought it would be safer! I tried to keep him safe! And I failed! I failed. And he paid for it."

"Did you win?"

"...Ma'am?"

"Did. You. Win."

"...Well, yes, but.."

"Then that's all there is to it. You failed, yes. And I won't get my son back. But you tried ... and that's more than anyone else did. For that, thank you."

"...It was my honor, ma'am."

"There. That's nice. Now, for some tea."

"One minute, please. I've got... something... for you. I couldn't get his...body released, but I did get…" I held out the Sergeant's tags, "..these. It's not much, I know, but I thought you'd like to have them."

Shakily, her hands closed over mine. "Oh, dearie...thank you, but... no."

"...Pardon?"

"It was a nice thought. And I thank you for it. But, you see, I've already got so many things that were his. You... I think... need these more than I do."

My voice cracked. "...Thank you."

"You're welcome, dearie. Now, I'm sure the tea's boiling by now. I'll just go and fetch it."

She slowly rose, and walked back through the doorway. I looked down at the Sergeant's tags. "Calvers, William." A hero if there ever was one. Even if he had been on the wrong side. Steadily, his face disappeared into my shirt's front pocket, and then vanished completely. I buttoned it shut. The weight would be my reminder.

"...take cream or sugar, dearie?"

I hadn't heard her come back in. Too deep in thought, I guess.

"Just cream, if you don't mind."

The tea flowed into my cup, followed quickly by the cream.

"So, tell me about yourself, dearie."

And so I did.

Or, at least, the story of Dean Winchester. His life, his exploits, his ups and his downs (heavily edited, of course). He was certainly more of a hero than I was. And if, by some strange twist of Fate, he existed in this universe, well, it's not like he didn't deserve more people hearing his tale. Any mild resemblance I might bear to him would merely lend more credence to what I said.

My story's not the sort anyone would care to hear over tea.

Well, except for the Doctor.

After I finished, she told me about her life. She obviously did her best to leave out the bits about the wizarding world, but it was relatively easy to see the holes if you knew what to look for. So there we both sat, a pair of people both trying very hard to keep the other from knowing the truth about the other. Ironic.

It was close on to an hour before I finally got around to the real reason I had come: compensation. Sounds a bit sterile to call it that, but that's what it was. I told her that, given the fact that her son had died in the line of duty to his country (if unofficially), she wouldn't have to worry about money ever again. Her bank had already received the appropriate deposits (I should know, I made them), and if she wanted to she could buy Trafalgar Square and still have enough to cruise on for the rest of her life.

She tried extremely hard to insist it was too much, but I wasn't having it. It took another ten minutes to convince her she should keep the money, and if she wasn't going to use it herself, there were plenty of animal shelters around that could use it.

Finally, the time had come to leave.

I had already put my coat back on, and was just making my final goodbyes, when a truly horrible thought struck me:

What had happened to Harry Potter in this world?

I had to know.

"Miss Calvers, I'm afraid there's just one more thing I have to trouble you for."

"Oh, you've been no trouble at all, dearie. But go ahead."

"...Do you know anyone by the name of Harry Potter?"

The blood left her face. For a minute, I was afraid she was having a heart attack.

"...How do you know that name, Commander."

Oops. I done messed up. She hadn't called me Commander the whole time I had been there. Play it safe. You don't know where in the timeline you are.

"I may be a...Muggle, ma'am, but you forget: The Death Eaters attacked more than other wizards. The Muggle authorities had to deal with a good many problems as well. Dumbledore had his counterparts in our world. My da was one, on the American side. I may not know much about how things work in the British Wizarding World, but even America has heard of how He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named fell. Some of the things we saw in Abstergo, there was no possible explanation for them other than 'magic'. And your son never batted an eye. He already knew it was real. I guessed there was really only one person who could have told him: his mum. And I didn't know anyone else in Britain to ask, I guess."

"...And if were to say...I knew little Harry?"

Little Harry. Bollocks. He hadn't gone to Hogwarts yet. The Dursleys would be getting a visit from The White Wolf, that was for sure.

"Then I would simply ask you tell him, that the Americans have a pretty good idea of exactly what happened that night. And we're sorry. If he ever needs a hand, just look up Dean Winchester in Lebanon, Kansas. My twin. He can give the kid a home, and he, our family, and a whole bunch of others would gladly teach him what magic they know. He would be more than welcome, and going to Hogwarts wouldn't be an issue. I know Dumbledore probably wouldn't allow it, but the offer stands. Just tell him."

"...I'll do that, dearie."

I doubted it.

"Thank you. I best be on my way, then. Catch you on the Flip Side."

Take care. If you're ever by this way, just remember, tea is at four."

"I will. Farewell."

I closed the door behind me. She was a nice lady, but she believed far too much in Dumbledore.

I would have to take matters into my own hands.

I discreetly activated my visor. To find a single house marked with no distinguishing characteristics, would certainly take a good…

While.

Found it.

Didn't even half to check the mailbox. The Dursleys were the only people I knew who would make a five year old work in the flowerbed.

Oh, I was going to enjoy this.

After double-checking I still had my gun, knife, and psychic paper, I approached the house. Harry must have gone back inside while I wasn't looking. Either that, or he had been called back in, which could be very bad. I waltzed up to the front door, and rang the bell.

It was a while before it was answered. Almost as if they were quickly hiding something.

I rang the bell again.

Finally, the door swung open.

Vernon Dursley stood in front of me.

Must have been a Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. This would have gone so much better if it had only been Petunia home. Still, it gave me an opportunity to get rid of the whale.

"Mr. Dursley?"

"Whatever, you're selling, we don't want it!"

"On the contrary, sir. We want you. Commander Winchester," I held up the psychic paper, "at your service."

Vernon's eyes bugged out. Must've been some lie on that sheet.

When he spoke again, it was with a great deal more respect.

"...Would you care to step inside, Commander? I'm sure my wife can fix up some tea in a jiffy."

"That would be quite nice, Dursley. I accept."

I followed him into the living room.

He bellowed in the direction of the kitchen. "PET? PUT THE KETTLE ON! THERE'S A MAN HERE FROM THE MINISTRY!"

He gestured in the direction of the sofa. "If you'll just wait here, sir, I'll be right with you. Got to help the wife, you know."

He made a face I could only describe as a grimace.

"Of course, Dursley. I'll wait."

He turned, and waddled off back towards the kitchen.

"Who're you? Waddyou want?"

I looked down. Sure enough, there was the oinker himself, Dudley Dursley. Already a good bit overweight.

"I'm an officer in the Army, and I've come to talk to your dad. And who might you be?"

"M'Dudley, and I'm the boss around here."

"Are you really?"

"Yep. My dad says so. And he's a very important man, so he ought to know."

"Yes, he really ought to know. Tell me Dudley: who all are you the boss of?"

"M'the boss of dad, mum, Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, Harry…"

"Who's Harry?"

"We're not 'sposed to talk 'bout him."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"He's a freak."

"So? I know lots of freaks, and here I am, talking about them."

"Not freaks like Harry. He can do things. He turned teacher's hair blue."

"Now Dudley, you know that you shouldn't be talking about that."

I looked back up. Vernon had returned from the kitchen.

"Why don't you run upstairs, Dudley? There's plenty of new toys for you to play with."

"But Daaaad…"

"Now Dudley."

Dudley slowed trudged his way off and up the stairs.

"Cute kid."

"Isn't he? Says the darnedest things sometimes, but he never means it."

"I'm sure."

"Pet'll be right out with the tea, it'll be just a moment."

"Actually Dursley, I've come to talk to both you and your wife. If you could call her here for just a minute, I'd appreciate it."

"Of course, of course. PET! COME IN HERE!"

A disheveled Petunia Dursley appeared from around the corridor. Looks like the theories had been right: she was definitely being abused. Probably spent far too long in the kitchen cooking for the whale and pig. I'd have to do something about that.

"What are you standing there for, woman! Sit down! The man has something to tell us!"

Slowly, Petunia sunk down in a chair.

"Now, then. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. I represent a branch of the government that deals with very confidential, very secret things. Before we go any farther, I must have you verbal acknowledgement that you recognize this. It's not the Official Secrets Act, but it'll do for now."

"Yes, yes, of course. I understand."

"And you, Mrs. Dursley?"

"...I suppose so."

"Good. We can begin."

I tapped twice behind my ear.

Instantly, every light in the house switched off.

All except my glowing visor.

A second later, all the lights came back on, including the TV, which hadn't been on before. My visor had vanished back into its casing.

"...What the HELL WAS THAT!"

"Now, now, Dursley, it's quite alright. That is, if you do as we say."

"WE?!"

"Yes, we. What you just saw was what merely one of us can do with barely a sign, beyond an unfortunate side effect."

"YOU! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM FREAKS!"

"No, I am not, Mr. Dursley. And I resent the implication. I am what the government has created to handle those, 'freaks', as you like to call them."

"...Oh...well that's alright then...if you're government."

"I thought you'd see it that way. Now, it has come to our attention that you are currently providing shelter to one "Potter, Harry". Is that correct?"

"Shelter? Ha! The boy's been eating us out of house and home! He's been nothing but an ungrateful brat! Trouble! That's what he is, trouble!"

"Then you will be very glad to know that he will soon no longer be your problem."

"NO!"

"...Pet?"

"You can't! Dumbledore said so! He said Harry has to stay here, otherwise we.."

Here she slapped her hand over her mouth.

"Yes, we are well aware of what Dumbledore said. He said that you would only be safe, so long as this was Harry's home. But I must tell you rule number one of wizards, Mrs. Dursley: Dumbledore lies. We know about the letters you sent to him. And we know what lies he told when he replied to you. You may not have been able to become a full witch, Mrs. Dursley, but you could have done a very good job as one of us. And Dumbledore couldn't have that. He has been lying to you for years. Especially about Harry. What I am offering you is a chance to get out. Dumbledore merely wanted you to stay here, under his thumb. But as long as you take Harry with you, you can pack up and disappear wherever you like. The protection will remain with you, so long as he considers wherever you are as 'home'."

"Just what are you suggesting to my wife, Commander?"

"It's simple, Dursley. I'm offering your wife, your son, and little Harry a tidy sum of money and an excellent contact group if they will leave Britain...for America. You, of course, will stay behind to keep Dumbledore from suspecting anything."

Dumbledore would probably know right off the bat if Harry left, but I planned to be long gone by then.

"...NO! I WON'T HAVE IT! PET AND DUDLEY ARE STAYING! THEY'RE MINE! YOU CAN TAKE THE FREAK AND LEAVE! NOW!"

"Now, now, Dursley…"

"NOW! OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

"That's all you had to say, Dursley."

*BANG!*

Right between the eyes. Nice.

"Right. Your husband just made a very bad mistake, Mrs. Dursley: he assumed that since we were from the government, that we were good people. We are not good. We are not nice. We want you and your whole family out of Dumbledore's hands and safe. You can either go quietly, or make a mistake just as bad as your husband's."

She appeared to be going into shock. That wouldn't do.

"MRS. DURSLEY."

Her eyes snapped back up.

"DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND."

Slowly, she nodded.

"Good. Now, normally, we would provide transport for you. But any official vehicles would have immediately drawn attention. We're going to have to do something else."

Back up my visor came.

"...There. Three airplane tickets in your name for Lebanon, Kansas just came through on Flight 394, with around a million pounds sterling added to your bank account. You are to take your family car, and drive to the airport, taking Dudley and Harry with you. Dudley is to sit in the back, with Harry hiding in the bottom of the car. Have you got that?"

She nodded again.

"Excellent. You'll take the tickets for the 394 from the desk, and the tickets will tell you where to go next after you arrive in America. Once you get to Lebanon, go to the only bar in town. Ask for a man named Dean Winchester. He'll find you. Tell him a friend of the Assassin sent you. He'll take care of you the rest of the way. I would have liked to do this myself, but it couldn't be helped. From there, you'll have around six years before Dumbledore comes looking. Make sure Harry is back in London on his eleventh birthday, and we can avoid all that. I know its a lot to take in, but can you do it?"

Her eyes met mine. "...Will we be safe?"

"No. But you will be secure. Much more secure or safe than you are here."

"...Then I can do it."

"Good. Let me talk to Harry."

"...He's in the cupboard."

"Of course he is. Harry? You can come out now."

Slowly, the cupboard door swung open.

"...But...Vernon locked it! How?"

"Magic."

And out stepped Harry Potter.


	18. Chapter 18

Note: There will be a few rewritten scenes at the end of this chapter, from the Doctor Who episode "The Doctor's Wife". I know the crossover parts of this fic reference scenes from other series, but I am working solely off the DW timeline, and any other scenes would invariably end up confusing. For me, at least. Also, I apologize to anyone doesn't feel this fic adheres strictly to any specific canon. All will be explained much, much later. Trust me on this.

Any reviews or comments would be appreciated. Thanks!

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:18

"You wanted me, sir?"

Oh, Vernon deserved his place Downstairs.

Just from here, I could see far, far too much wrong with the little boy in front of me. Hopefully, that would change very soon.

I slowly knelt down.

"Yes Harry. Now, I'm sure you've been listening to what we've been saying. Would you mind telling me what you heard? You're not in any trouble at all."

"...I heard sumfin about leaving. For 'merica. Aunt Petunia, Dudley, and me. Did you mean it, sir?"

"Of course I meant it Harry. You are a very important person. It is very important that you and your family are safe."

"...Will Uncle Vernon be coming?"

"No, Harry, Uncle Vernon won't be going anywhere ever again."

"...Is he dead?"

"...Yes. Yes he is."

"...Can I see?"

"...Alright."

I moved out of the way.

Harry moved forward, and stood beside his uncle's body.

And then he kicked it.

Then he kicked it again. And again. Soon he was doing nothing but kicking, as hard as his little body could.

And somewhere along the way, Petunia Dursley joined in.

When it was all over, Petunia was holding a crying Harry in her arms, trying not to cry herself.

I had no right to intrude. But I had to.

"Harry, I'm afraid I need to check something. In your mind. If you could come over here, just for a minute, I would really like it."

He looked up to Petunia, asking with his eyes.

"..Go ahead, Harry. Its okay."

Harry nodded. Slowly, he stood. And made his way over to me.

Gently, I raised my hands, and pressed them to his temples. Good thing I had gotten lots of practice with this.

There it was. Right on top, a black stain on his mind. The good news was, it appeared to function in place of Occlumency barriers, so obliviations and Legilimency by Dumbledore were both right out. The bad news was, I couldn't get rid of it. Only contain it. Maybe, if I was very lucky, sever its connection to the other Horcruxes. Never mind: this was excellent news! None of that 'walk to your death' nonsense.

"Harry. How long have you had your scar."

"..F'rever."

"Does it ever hurt?"

"Coupla times."

"Would you like me to make it not hurt ever again?"

"...Yes."

"Alright. Then I'm going to need you to hold very, very still. You can keep your eyes open if you want, but you can't flinch. Someone put something very bad in your scar, and if you flinch while I'm working, it might wake it up. Do you think you will flinch?"

"...No. M'fine."

"Okay then." I eased my knife up. "I'm not going to lie, Harry. This part will hurt. Do you still want me to do it?"

"...Yes."

"...Then hold...very...still."

I cut.

Not deep, but enough for blood. Enochian required blood. At least for this.

First, 'Bind'. Then, 'Absorb'. And finally, 'Heal'.

Activate.

I could feel a small bit of my soul burn away. Worth it.

One by one, the marks faded in the order I had made them, followed, very slowly, by the infamous scar.

Good. That made things harder for the goat bugger-er.

"I'm done Harry. How does it feel?"

"...Better. Like there was somethin'...pressin'. And now it's not."

"That's good. I've got two things to tell you now, Harry. First: it's alright to be ambitious. It's alright to be _smart. _Second: don't ever try to be brave. People who try to be brave will always try and make themselves sound more important than they are. Be courageous instead. Now, why don't you go tell your cousin that his mum wants him to come downstairs."

"Yes, sir."

I watched him trudge up the staircase. That poor little fellow.

"Now, Mrs. Dursley, I'm afraid I'll have to check you too. Dumbledore is a master of the mind, and he may have made you forget things you shouldn't have."

"...Okay."

I repeated what I had done for Harry.

No obliviations or mind-reading, hooray! Dumbledore wasn't totally evil in this one!

Still, the old goat deserved every single bit of pulled hair I was about to give him.

"You're fine, Mrs. Dursley. Nothing tampered with."

"...It's Petunia."

"Very well then. Petunia. Everything's gonna be alright."

I found myself wrapped in a hug. "Thank you."

It took me a minute, but I returned the favor. "My pleasure."

"...Mum? Why are you hugging the officer?"

She let go. "Because, Duddykins, the man has paid for us to take a trip! To America! Isn't that nice?"

"Guess so. What's dad doing down on the floor?"

I had this one. "He fainted when he found out how much the trip was, boss. And now that it's just gonna be you, your mum, and Harry, that's exactly what you are: the boss. And it's the boss's job to take care of everyone he's the boss of. Got that, Dudley?"

"Course! I'm the best boss!"

"I'm sure you are. Now, you three have a plane to catch."

"...Come along, Duddykins. Harry. It's time to go."

"But what about toys? Clothes? Jammies?"

"Your mum can buy all of those, and more. She's rich now."

"She is?"

"Yep."

"YESSSS! We're rich! Harry, we're rich! We're gonna go to Disneyland, we're gonna eat all the ice cream we can, we can do anything we want!"

"That's...great, Duds...we...can…"

I just managed to catch Harry as he fell.

"Harry? HARRY?"

"Shh, shh, its okay. He's had a long day."

Long indeed. That 'Absorb' rune had worked a little too well. Oops. Still, it guaranteed there wouldn't be any need for death-by-Mouldy-shorts.

"He's just sleeping. You grab what you need for Dudley and yourself, and I'll put Harry in the backseat of the car."

"...Why? Why would the government, why would you do all this for us?"

"Let's call it a long term investment and leave it at that. Plane! Go!"

She ran, dragging Dudley with her.

Out to the car I went.

Harry went into the floorboard, me doing my best to give him a smooth ride. It wasn't long before I was joined by Petunia and Dudley, throwing what little they had into the boot.

And just like that, they were gone.

Time to take out my insurance policy.

"Castiel, Angel Of The Lord," I prayed, "I know of Dean Winchester. I know what he means to you. To the world. I'm sending him three people: Petunia Dursley, Dudley Dursley, and Harry Potter. They are a family. Help him to protect them. The world depends on it. Trust me: I'm a time traveler. Catch you on the Flip Side. The Witcher, out."

That ought to do the trick.

Now, to correct the mistake I had made earlier.

I rang Arabella Calvers' doorbell once more.

"So sorry, Mrs. Calvers, but I'm afraid I forgot to leave you my phone number."

"That's quite alright, dearie, I'm always…."

I slammed into her mind. I erased every single part of the offer I had told her to give to Harry. Dumbledore could not be allowed to find them. When I was done, I slowly backed out, scrubbing out all trace I had been there.

"...forgetting things. Sorry, what was I saying?"

"You were just asking for me to write my number down."

"Oh! And so I was."

"Here you go, ma'am."

"Thank you very much, dearie. If I ever need you, I'll call."

'Then farwell again, Mrs. Calvers. Sorry to bother you."

"Not at all, dearie."

Right. That was all over and done with. If she needed, she would call. She wouldn't know _why _she needed me, of course, but call she would. Nice that.

It was finally time to leave.

"Sorry that took so long, Old Girl. You know how it is."

She made a little whistle of indifference.

"Ready to go home, beautiful?"

"Be-yoop* (Of course).

"Excellent. Let me just check both ways before we leave."

I swung the viewscreen over to double-check our route.

Bollocks.

There was a man.

Standing, right where I had prayed thirty seconds ago.

And he was wearing a trench-coat with a blue tie.

Any minute now, he would…

He began walking towards the TARDIS.

...Notice me.

"Nope!"

I threw the lever.

_VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH. VWHOOOOSH._

Castiel or John Constantine, it didn't matter. His expression was still hilarious.

That was a terrifying thought. John Constantine, in a world where Lucifer was played by Mark Pelligrino, not Tom Ellis.

Good thing I was already dipping!

I made a quick loop of the console, pushing buttons, throwing switches, preparing for….

_BWAAAAAAAAAAOW._

That.

"We're good, and lost now! You're off the edge of the map, mate! Here, there be monsters!"

I spun the viewscreen around.

"HAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Barbossa had some of the best quotes.

"..._Doctor? What was that...noise?"_

I froze.

Bollocks.

Rose Tyler stood at the top of the stairs.

Her mouth hung open.

Right, the desktop. Not what she was used to.

Nor was my face, for that matter.

O course, it was then that there came a knock on the door.

I held up a finger. "Hold that thought."

The doors swung open to VOID.

And one small, glowing cube.

"Oh, not this bit, not now, I'm busy!"

The cube wasn't taking no for an answer.

I barely managed to grab it before it started blaring out its message.

"Right, not dealing with you House, that's the Doctor's busi...Hang on a minute, I can use this!"

I erased the recording, leaned in close, and whispered a new message.

One meant for the Doctor.

Then I let the little cube bounce off back to where it came from.

"And make sure he gets it!"

I slammed the doors shut.

"Right, where were we."

If it was possible, Rose was now looking more confused than ever.

"Oh, right!"

I paused for dramatic effect.

" ...Darlig Ulv Stranden!"

* * *

The Doctor's voice rang out. "So there are Time Lords here, then?"

And House responded. "Not any more. But there have been many TARDISes on my back in days gone by."

"Well, there won't be any more after us. Last Time Lord. Last TARDIS."

"I think not, Doctor. One flew by, not long ago at all. They even left a message."

My voice, played over a scratchy connection: "_Tell the Doctor this: He left her. He left her, standing on some beach, with naught but a name, and his word it was the one she needed. It wasn't. And neither was His. But maybe mine will be. See you in Glocca Morra, Doctor."_

"You see, Doctor? Not the last. But you are partially right: you will be the last to ever pass this way, I think. A pity. Your people were so kind. Be here in safety, Doctor. Rest. Feed, if you will."

It was here the Nose cut in. "We're not actually going to stay here, are we?"

"Well, it seems like a friendly planet. Literally. Mind if we poke around a bit?"

"You can look all you want. Go. Look. House loves you."

"Come on then, gang. We're just going to, er, see the sights."

* * *

"So, as soon as the TARDIS is refueled, we go, yeah?"

"No. There are Time Lords here. I heard them and they need me."

"You told me about your people, and you told me what you did."

"Yes, yes, but if they're like the Corsair, they're good ones, and I can save them."

"Like the one that left the message?"

"Ye-NO. No. Not like him. He's not the kind who needs saving. But there are others. Others, who do need to be saved."

"And then you'll tell them you destroyed the others?

"I can explain. Tell them why I had to."

"You want to be forgiven."

"Don't we all?"

* * *

"We are in your universe now, Doctor. Why should it matter to me in which room you die? I can kill you just as easily here as anywhere. Fear me. I've killed hundreds of Time Lords."

"Fear me. I've killed all of them."

"All but one. The one, I think, that both of us fear."

"_...I don't understand. There isn't a forest in here, or wolves."_

* * *

"Are you going to make her talk again?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Spacey wacey, isn't it?"

"Well, actually, it's because the Time Lords discovered that if you take an eleventh dimensional matrix and fold it into a mechanical then _OW!_ Yes, it's spacey wacey!"

"Sorry. At the end, she was talking. She kept repeating something. I don't know what it meant."

"What did she say?"

"The only water in the forest is the river, and the wolves of the forest are howling. She said we'd need to know that someday. It doesn't make sense, does it."

"Not yet. You okay?"

"No. I watched her die. I shouldn't let it get to me, but it still does. I'm a nurse."

"Letting it get to you. You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now, that's all that counts."


	19. Chapter 19

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:19

_"...What?"_

"Darlig Ulv Stranden. Bad Wolf Bay. Stars going out. And, quite possibly, the single worst day of a good many people's lives. Including...well. No need to go into all that. But from my point of view, that was where it stopped."

_"...Your point?"_

"Yes. Mine."

"_Doctor, you're not making sense."_

"...No, no I don't suppose I am. Sorry. It's just…", I rubbed the back of my head, "This would have been easier with tea. Most things usually are."

*Wee-woop* (Behind you).

I turned.

Sure enough, table for two, tea set and all.

I gave the console a look.

"Really. I go through all that trouble for him-in-the-bow-tie, not a peep from you. But one of your favorites shows up, instant room service. Why am I not surprised."

*BLAT*

"Oi! Language!"

I turned back to Rose.

Blimey, this was gonna be awkward.

"Well, she obviously agrees about the tea. I suggest we sit down. After you."

And so we sat.

I started. "I guess, the first thing I should say is...sorry. I'm...sorry. For, well...for everything that happened to you. But mostly, for not telling you this in a kinder way...I'm not your Doctor."

".._You mean you've changed your face again."_

"No, Rose. I'm literally not your Doctor. Your Doctor is, I believe, currently careening around his universe like a kid in a candy shop. I'm merely an...echo...of that. Of him."

"_...How did you get here."_

"There was an...explosion. The TARDIS, it...blew up. Took the whole universe with it. Made a lot of nasty Cracks in space and time as well, including in other realities. Including mine. Including yours. That's how I slipped through, by the way. Long story short, the Doctor ended up 'rebooting' the universe. Big Bang Two. But he got caught on the wrong side of it. Trapped in the VOID, him and his TARDIS. Oh, he got back through, but before he did, before all those nasty little Cracks sealed themselves off...I fell through one. Landed in your Doctor's TARDIS, just before he made it back. And I wasn't meant to. Me landing there broke the timeline. So, when the Doctor left, it split the TARDIS, leaving me behind in the VOID. It was sheer luck I happened to land at all, much less where I did. Where I could fix at least one thing the Doctor did wrong: leaving you behind."

Her hand hit mine just before it hit my face.

"Striking out at me won't change the facts, Rose. It was wrong of him to leave you. Both times. Believe me, I've been there before, on both sides of the coin. And not only did he leave you, he left his mess behind as well for you to fix. You may have loved him. He may have loved you. But if you had no choice but to take whatever he gave you and be grateful, then I'm sorry. But that's abuse. And you deserve better than that."

Slowly, I dropped my hand, hers still caught in it. "Now, are you going to try and slap me again?"

"_...No guarantees."_

"That's fair. No lies between us. The Doctor lies enough for us both."

I leaned back, and released my grip on her hand. "Alright then. Moving on. Landed in Canary Wharf. Hid, found out what had happened since Davros, didn't much like what I saw. Took out everything I could, rescued you, escaped, made a couple of side trips to deal with some things I didn't want people getting their hands on, and did some very complicated flying to slip back through the Crack into the VOID, which brings us up to speed. Any questions."

"_...You said you took out what you could. What did you mean."_

"Let's see: bankrupted Abstergo (the company holding you, by the way, who reported to a bunch of nasty people called Templars), hacked and dumped every file of theirs I could find on the web, released every single person they were keeping around for 'research purposes', and then killed every Templar I could find, just to be sure. Oh, and I blew up pretty much every building and lab they owned."

"_...You killed all of them."_

"Well, not all of them, I'm pretty sure. I'm not that lucky. But the few I missed, I'm sure the Assassins will mop up quickly."

"..._You're not the Doctor."_

"Yes. We established that."

"_No, I mean...you said you were... from another universe. But I don't think...you were the Doctor there, eifer."_

"Oh, well-spotted, Rose Tyler. I had to make that clear to the Doctor when I met him. How could you tell?"

"_The Doctor... he wouldn't kill. Never. Not like you did."_

"Did he ever tell you what happened in the Time War? What all he did?"

"_...No."_

"Then trust me when I say the Doctor can and has done far worse than just killing. Nevertheless, you're right. I'm not the Doctor. I'm merely someone who was fortunate enough to see his life play out on another stage."

"_...Then who are you."_

"The Witcher, Rose Tyler. I am the Witcher. Time Lord Unbroken, at your service. Pleasure to meet you."

"_Wish I could say the same."_

"Ah, there's the Rose Tyler I know. The Defender of Earth. The Woman Who Saved The Doctor. The…", I glued my eyes to hers, "..._Bad Wolf."_

A flash.

"DO NOT TELL HER."

"Would it hurt her?"

"YES. SHE WOULD BURN."

"Got it. Still, it's nice to talk to you again."

"...YOU AS WELL. I HAVE HAD NO ONE ELSE FOR...FAR TOO LONG."

"Well, if nothing else, you'll have me for a good while. I'll try my best, but be warned, I'm not a great conversationalist."

A small smile. "YOU SEEM TO BE DOING ALRIGHT."

"What, this? This is exposition. This is easy. Ask me for my opinion on clothes, and I'll just blank. I mean, honestly, have you seen what I wear? I can't even carry a conversation with myself long enough to choose something that doesn't look like a toddler picked it out."

She laughed. It was music, airy and sweet, yet with the crackle of thunder behind it.

It was beautiful.

I was sad when she stopped.

"I WILL RETURN HER NOW. REMEMBER, YOU CANNOT HEAL HER. THAT IS FOR ANOTHER."

"Understood."

"AS YOU SAY, CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE."

She blinked, and the glow was gone.

"_...Not the last one. Not for awhile now."_

"...Sorry. That must be a sore subject."

"_No, it's fine. Just...it was a long time ago."_

"Yes. For everyone, I think."

"_...The Doctor...how old is he now?"_

And so I told her.

I told her all of his adventures since she left, with special care given to Martha Jones and her story. She laughed when I told her about Rory's stag party, she cried when the Pandorica opened, she squealed when Shakespeare shouted "EXPELLIARMUS!"

I may not have been able to heal her, but I could certainly try to help.

And all through the stories, the tea in the pot slowly went down, and the Jammie Dodgers disappeared from the wrapper, until all we were left with was empty cups and full smiles.

A light snore came from the chair across from mine. I sighed, and swallowed the last dregs from my cup. Looked like it was time for bed.

Funny; I had known her less than a day, and this was already the second time I had carried her to bed and tucked her in. She snored into my shoulder all the way up the stairs. Note to self: for deeper sleep, ask the Old Girl for some tea beforehand. It seemed to do the trick.

I ventured a glance back, just before I cut out the light. She was curled up into herself, surrounded by blankets and pillows. Still not used to sleeping with a source of warmth, then. I hoped that would eventually fade, but only Time would tell. It always did.

I flipped the switch.

I knew how dangerous it was to let her fall back into a routine, considering she had been living with one for over two centuries now. So the next morning I surprised her with breakfast in bed.

That went about as well as you would expect.

It turned out alright in the end, though. I guess the sight of me covered in orange juice and eggs was just too funny to resist.

After one humongous food fight, things seemed to smooth out. And for the next two weeks, we did...pretty much whatever we wanted. We would float in the pool and read (I kept her far away from the Doctor's real name), have more food fights, throw tea parties, day-long Monopoly tournaments (we never did find the top-hat piece again after one spectacularly thrown board), and at the end of the day, we would sit in front of a roaring fireplace and trade stories that the other hadn't heard. Judoon, Arachnis, Cyber-men, Daleks, Werewolves, Vampires, and the Devil, just to name a few.

Oh, there were downsides too. After that first night, the nightmares started. And no amount of the Old Girl's tea seemed to help. And first, when they would come, all I could do was rush to her room and hold her tight, until the both of us would fall asleep together. We gave up on that after the first week; we began spending all night in front of that same peaceful fire, neither one of us letting go of the other. Uncomfortable? A little. But worth it, if it helped her.

It was at the end of the second week, when the inevitable finally happened.

We hit the Doctor's universe.

And when I say hit, I mean _hit._

Turns out the plughole at the bottom of the universe doesn't like when fast things try to squeeze through. Who knew?

*CLANG!*

"WILL YOU BEHAVE!"

"_WITCHER!"_

"YES, YES, I KNOW, THE FRICTION CONTRAFIBRILATOR!"

*SCREEEEEEEEE!*

"OI, I'M TRYING!"

*CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!*

*Ding!*

"HAH! DID IT!"

_VWHOOOOSH, VWHOOOOSH, VWHOOO-_

_**SMASH**_

"...Oooooo, me head. Wait, where did the banana come from?"

"_Witcher!"_

"Oops! Sorry!"

I wobbled over. "Please say you're alright."

"..._A little banged up, but I'm fine. Just never, and I mean NEVER, do that again."_

"...Understood, boss."

"_Good."_

I helped her to her feet. "I wonder where we've come down? Certainly not Earth, I mean, we didn't hit hard enough, but maybe ..."

I pushed the doors open, rubble falling out as I did so.

I activated my mask, and stepped out.

Yep, definitely not Earth.

The night sky that hung above shone with stars I didn't recognize, and yet somehow I knew the names of each and every one.

Just beneath the sky, a rocky ridge rose (ha! alliteration!), with torches at intervals along the edge.

And beneath the ridge, stood…

A ring of red-clad figures, all holding torches of their own.

Oh, bollocks.

"Karn. We've landed on Karn."


	20. Chapter 20

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:20

"How very observant of you, sir. You have, indeed, landed on Karn. But not, quite, where we expected you."

Ah, the High Priestess. "Is that so?"

"Indeed. We had prepared a somewhat more favorable landing site for you, about thirteen feet to your left."

"Thirteen. Bad luck."

"No, young man. Bad Fate. Yours. And it is still filled with much uncertainty. In point of fact, it was all but hidden to us, until a certain event revealed it. Before that, it was as if you didn't exist, never had, and never would. Even now, you remain somewhat clouded to our sight," she gestured back towards the TARDIS, "as you can see."

"...Sorry?"

"Oh no, the fault is not yours, I think. Still, you must admit it strange for one such as I to chart the sky and the future with equal accuracy for as long as I have, and yet to find one day there is a new, unnamed star blazing across Time, shedding Light on a new future."

"I wouldn't call it a blaze. More of a spark, than anything else."

"That is not for you to say."

"Perhaps. You said 'unnamed'."

"Yes. For once, I find myself in need of an introduction. I am Ohila, High Priestess of the Sisterhood of Karn. To whom am I speaking?"

"...The Witcher. I'm the Witcher. And in case the.." I jerked my head backwards, "steaming TARDIS didn't give it away, I'm a Time Lord. Hope that's alright. I would offer to leave if it wasn't, but, you know…"

"You are more than welcome, Witcher. But it is odd. I was under the impression the Doctor was the Last of the Time Lords."

"Spoilers."

"Quite. You may be unknown to us Witcher, but your companion is not. We greet you, Rose Tyler."

I hadn't even heard her come up behind me.

"_...Thanks. I think."_

"No, thank you. If your path had not followed his, I doubt we would have seen him coming at all. Which would have been most...unfortunate."

"_...Why?"_

"Well, we would have to rush then, wouldn't we. You're back in your own universe now, child. The changes that were wrought on you in another world had not the power to take proper hold. But now, the Time Vortex roars all around you. It sings to Her. Calls Her. She is coming."

"NO. I AM HERE."

And if I hadn't seen it, I would never have believed it. They, the entire Sisterhood, did something truly incredible:

They bowed.

Each and every one of them.

"My Lady. We are honored."

"WE THANK YOU."

"...We, My Lady?"

"THE WHITE WOLF IS MINE. AND I AM HIS. WE ARE ONE."

And it was only now that I truly realized what she had meant when she said it for the first time.

I could SEE.

The tipping points of Time, that could now be tipped in an entirely new direction, simply because of the two of Us. Neither of Us could do it alone: only together. But together, We could burn the world. We truly were One.

Or at least We soon would be.

"YOU MAY NOW, AS YOU SAID, RUSH."

"Of course, My Lady."

She signaled. Two Sisters stepped forward, each holding a glass.

"You are not yet a full Time Lord, but you are rapidly approaching it. Soon, you will see all. Much more than a normal Time Lord, for you were born of the Time Vortex itself. And that is something that Rose Tyler, for all her strength, can not handle. These," she gestured to the drinks, "will stabilize the both of you. We cannot separate You from her, but we can transfer some of the burden to another. When we learned of Your coming, our original plan was to contact the Doctor, and pray he arrived in Time to relieve the strain. But when we realized who it was that would arrive with You, well, who are we to argue with Fate?"

"INDEED. THE DRINKS."

She reached out, and took her glass. I followed suit. We faced each other over the rims of our goblets.

"NOW, SHE WILL BE HEALED. THANK YOU FOR HELPING."

"It was my pleasure."

"CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE."

I smiled. "You too. Allons-y!"

Bitter.

Very bitter.

FIRE.

ETERNAL FIRE.

BURNING.

FREEZING.

PAIN.

RAGE.

LOVE.

HATRED.

LIGHT.

DARK.

TWO WOLVES HOWLING IN THE FOREST.

WHITE.

The image of Rose Tyler, arms outstretched, head towards the sky, regeneration energy exploding outwards from her.

Then black.

"...Owwwwwww. Alright, who spiked the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters?"

"_...Am I supposed to say Zaphod Beeblebrox?"_

I rolled over...and came face to face with Felicia Day.

"GAH!"

"_What?"_

"Your voice doesn't match your face, that's what!"

"_IT WHAT?"_

"You've got the same voice, but now you're ginger! Oh, that's just not fair!"

"_WHAT? LET ME SEE!"_

"I would, but I don't have anything in my…" my voice trailed off as my hands came up empty in not just the search for something shiny, but also the search for, "...pockets."

I looked down.

Bollocks.

White bodysuit, thank goodness, but below me was ...nothing. Well, I say nothing. There was a glass floor, one far too thin for my liking. But on the other side….

Just white.

My eyes turned towards the ceiling…only there wasn't one of those, either. Just more of that terrifying, endless white.

I had always hated hospitals. I give you one guess as to why.

"_Oh…."_

"NO! DON'T LOOK!"

Too late.

"_We're...high. Like...really high."_

I sighed. "Yes. It appears we are. But, more importantly, I'm not so fond of the glass keeping us at this height."

"_...Neither am I."_

I sighed again. "Can you at least see your reflection?"

"_...Well now I can. Huh. You were right. Ginger. And on the first go. Wasn't expecting...this. Any of it."_

"NO. BUT I WAS."

We turned.

There She was. This time, the voice matched the face.

Charlie Bradbury, back from the dead. Again.

Fate was laughing at me behind my back, I was sure of it.

A hiss. "_...You. You're Her."_

"I AM."

"_You were gone. The Doctor said you were gone."_

"AND SO I WAS. BUT I GOT BETTER. HOW DID YOU THINK YOU SURVIVED THAT LONG UNDER THE TENDER CARE OF THOSE ANIMALS? IT WAS I. I AWOKE WHEN YOU LOST HIM FOR THE THIRD TIME, AND I NEVER WENT BACK TO SLEEP. BUT I WASN'T WHAT I AM NOW, UNTIL THOSE..._MONSTERS..._TRIED TO..._IMPROVE..._YOU. YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE SURVIVED. BUT I COULD. AND DID."

"_And, what, I'm supposed to thank you? You couldn't save him, not when they came for us, and you certainly didn't save our family when they came for them. And now, there's nothing you can do but finish what you started the first time: burn me out. And I'm supposed to be...grateful?"_

"YES. BUT NOT TO ME."

She pointed. "TO HIM."

Oh, why wasn't there a convenient rock to hide behind?

Fire burned in Rose's eyes. "_You knew."_

"...Yes."

"_...How could you? You said there wouldn't be any lies. Not between us. You promised."_

"It wasn't a lie: it was a secret. One that wasn't mine to tell."

"_So, what, you were just gonna let Her tell me right as I'm about to die?"_

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're not going to die."

"_DON'T YOU GET IT? I had her in my head exactly ONCE, and the Doctor had to pull Her out, or I would have BURNED!"_

"Yes, you would have. But not this time. This time, We have a plan."

Sarcasm dripped from her lips. "_A plan."_

I nodded. "A plan. Your mind couldn't hold the both of you before, because you were still mostly human. But you've regenerated now; that means more than enough room. But it also means She needs the ability to process information at an incredible rate, something you could never safely handle. Outside of locking you away in your own skull, never to return to see the light of day again, there's only one other option: what we're going to do is leave a good bit of room in your head for the both of you, and transfer some of the processing speeds Her Time Lord mind needs...over to me."

"_...Like a Vulcan mind-meld?"_

"Kind of. Just with a good bit more...depth to it. I'll carry the connection subconsciously, and when you want to take the wheel, She'll merely shunt some of the higher-level stuff over to my mind."

"_...Does that mean you'll be able to see into Her...our memories?"_

"No. Not unless you send them over of your own accord. If anything, it just means She and I will be able to 'think' at each other, so to speak."

"_...Will it hurt?"_

"Only me. And pain's an old friend."

"_...Are you sure?"_

"As the Doctor says, 'Never be sure about anything. One minute you're sure, the next minute everyone turns into lizards and a piano falls on your head'."

"_A piano?"_

"It was a long day."

A smile tugged at her mouth. "_Sounds like it. ...Alright. How do we do this?"_

"IN MUCH THE SAME WAY REGENERATION ENERGY IS TRANSFERRED. THIS IS OUR MINDSCAPE: WHERE OUR MINDS TOUCH EACH OTHER. AND IT IS HERE THAT THIS MUST BE DONE. FIRST, HE AND I WILL BECOME ONE. THEN, YOU AND I WILL...REINTEGRATE, SO TO SPEAK."

"_...Okay, then. You first."_

I turned back to….Her. Blimey, I really did need to find a better name to call Her, just 'Her' and 'Bad Wolf' were gonna get old real quick.

My throat felt dry. Was that normal? I had no clue.

Far too slowly, We moved towards each Other. Yep, Fate definitely had it out for me. First time somebody...well, anybody, really...needed me, it was for my mind. And just to make sure the situation was perfectly clear to me, Fate had decided it would be hilarious to have the two of Us look exactly like Dean Winchester and Charlie Bradbury. Real subtle, that.

Still, at least I wouldn't be alone. I knew far too well what happened when Time Lords were left alone for too…

Her lips were on mine, and there was no more thinking.

The universe exploded around Us. I could feel Her mind sinking into mine, the tendrils of thought racing along beneath those that belonged to me. Her lips tasted of honey, and her mind of chai tea. Sweet and fire. Appropriate.

And all too soon, I could breathe again.

"...I don't think I can think."

"Then don't."

"Ohhhh, your voice. I mean, it was good before, but now…..mmm."

"Thank you. Why don't you sit down?"

"...Yeah, yeah, I should probably just…"

The last thing I saw before I passed out was Her and Rose, gliding towards one another.


	21. Chapter 21

Note: I have a question for you guys. I am going to try and make it perfectly clear where we are in each fandom's timeline as we visit it, but I don't know if you guys would rather me list all of them now, and thus make a few spoilers, or just have each fandom come as it may and leave you guessing which one's coming next, let alone where we're gonna be in its timeline. Please let me know!

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:21

Red.

Red rock.

Back in the real world on Karn then.

I sat up.

For once, the pain was in my head, not my body. If I had to look at one more unbearably white object, there would be no stopping the sick. As it was, I felt like I had been tuned in to angel radio while an archangel was cussing out his troops. Not a good feeling.

Getting my bearings took awhile, but I managed. The rock seemed to make up the entire room, with only one exit. Probably underground.

Tea sat on a chiseled stone, next to the slab I had been lying on. At least, I assumed it was tea. Smelled like it. And it was still steaming hot. Hadn't been sitting for very long, then. Whoever left it must have done so recently.

Aside from myself, the room completely lacked occupants. No High Priestess, no Rose, no...anybody. That could be good, or bad. No guards meant I was, theoretically, free to leave. But no Rose meant they had left her on her own, without a familiar face. That, plus whatever I had missed while I was out, could be very bad indeed.

I needed to find her.

I began double-checking my gear. Mask, yes. Colt, still in its holster. Extra bullets, still in the box. Psychic paper and fake IDs, yep. Looks like everything was still there. Another point in the Sisterhood's favor. But when it came to Rose Tyler, and specifically, 'Her', it was better to be safe than sorry.

"If you are worried for the safety of your friend, don't be. She is more than safe with us."

Ohila's voice.

"It's not her safety I'm worried for. You didn't see how I found her. If she wakes up somewhere unfamiliar, and feels even remotely threatened, I suspect some decidedly unpleasant things might occur."

"We suspected it as well. She is currently sleeping, and we have kept her in that state until you could awake of your own accord. We thought yours should be the first face she sees when she awakes."

"Wise decision. How long have we been out?"

"A little more than a week, I should think."

"That long, huh?"

"These things take time, as well you should know."

"Fair point. I presume the tea is for the two of us?"

"Yes. Worlds may rise, and worlds may fall, but tea shall remain forever."

"Sounds like something the Doctor would say."

"Perhaps he has, or something similar. Since we are no longer in a rush, I thought now might be a good time to hold a good, honest conversation."

"It would be. But for that, you would have to find a good, honest man to hold it with."

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day. And even the most skilled of liars leave nuggets of truth behind their words."

"Okay, that definitely sounded like you were talking about the Doctor."

"Yes. But now, let's talk about you."

I held up a hand. "First, tea."

She smiled. "Of course."

One minute later, we were sitting and sipping.

"So, tell me. How is it a Time Lord managed to survive the Moment, much less escape the Doctor's notice?"

"I didn't."

"Pardon?"

"I didn't survive it, because I never had to live through it. In fact, up until a few weeks ago, I lived in another reality altogether. One with a good deal more..._teeth _than this one."

"Then, I wonder, how did you come to arrive in this one?"

"Purely accidental, I assure you. It's a very long story that involves a universe-destroying explosion, Cracks in time and space, rebooting all of reality, a long detour through yet another alternate world, but mostly, just being in the wrong place at the right time."

"A typical day for the Doctor, then."

"Not so far from being typical for me, either. Like you said, bad Fate."

"And I should very much like to hear what that Fate has given you up until now."

"Alright. But I'll tell you the same thing I told the Doctor; we'll probably be needing more tea before we're done."

"Easily arranged. Carry on."

So carry on I did.

The entirety of the story I had told the Doctor, I repeated to her, plus what I had found and done in Pete's World. She never asked how I had known things like the location of the Apple, or what Harry Potter's life would have been like had I not interfered. I was grateful for that. Lying about things like that would have 'strained credulity at that', to quote Barbossa.

But it was inevitable that she would ask how I knew so much of the Doctor's life, to say nothing of his character.

I was forced to answer her question with one of my own.

"To give some context, there is something I must ask you, and forgive me if it seems rude, but: what do you know of the Hybrid?"

Her cup froze halfway to her lips. "...Not a lot, I confess. Merely the prophecy."

"Would you mind repeating it?"

"...One day, there will come a creature, born of the two greatest warrior races in the universe, and it will stand in the ruins of Gallifrey."

"That's the one. We had a similar prophecy on my world. And in the end, I saw it come to pass. But not in the way everyone expected. How it will play out here, I cannot say for certain, but play out it will. I've already seen far too many similarities. And the Doctor will be at the center of it."

"Was he at the center in your reality as well?"

"Yes. At least my version of him. He tended to avoid our Earth, for obvious reasons, but in the end, I was there with him. In spirit, if not in body. Gallifrey fell to ruin. And at the end, the Hybrid stood atop the rubble."

"Well, unless a miracle occurs, I very much doubt that will happen here. Gallifrey has already burned. The Doctor saw to that."

"Oh yes, the Time War raged in our universe as well. And everyone saw the exact same thing that they saw here: Gallifrey, gone. But not in the way they thought. I cannot say more, but you can rest assured, Gallifrey is not lost forever. It will return, Rassilon and all. They have already almost succeeded once. Fortunately, the Doctor was there to stop them. But he will not always be. And when they do, even I don't know for certain what will happen."

"The Time War will rage once more."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. Not if I have anything to say about it."

"You, and I think your other half."

"My better half."

"Perhaps. And as much as I have enjoyed this, we really should go to Her."

"Agreed."

We continued talking as we made our way through the tunnels.

"So tell me, I know you have a back-door to Gallifrey. Ever thought about checking it?"

"No. Never. There are some questions that don't need answering."

"Fair point. Just curious."

She stopped at a surprisingly modern door recessed into the cave wall.

"She is through here."

"If there's anyone else in there, you better get 'em out before she wakes up. I can honestly say I have no idea what's going to happen, and I don't say that very often."

She nodded, and opened the door. On the other side stood three Sisters, all reading from amazingly technical displays.

"Our guest has awoken. It is time to wake the Other. You may leave us."

The Sisters immediately moves to comply with the High Priestess. Once they had moved, I could clearly see the sleeping form of one Rose Tyler, lying on a rather uncomfortable looking slab. No restraints; that was good.

A brief whirring, and the machines hooked to her began to power down. Once each one shut off completely, I moved to disconnect it as quickly as I could. Tubes and wires were definitely bad things to have anywhere near Her.

In the end, it was only three minutes before She began to stir. Her breathing became much less restful; almost angry sounding. Her fingers began to tap on the sides of Her legs, slowly at first, but building in speed.

And then She just stopped waking up.

She kept breathing, She kept tapping, but She absolutely refused to do anything else.

I am ashamed to say that my mind immediately jumped to Sleeping Beauty, but I just as quickly discarded the notion. This wasn't just Rose Tyler anymore; and the Bad Wolf had never needed anything but herself to wake up. There must be something else….

Oh.

The tapping.

Duh duh duh duh.

Duh duh duh duh.

"Clever girl."

It took mere seconds to charge the defibrillator.

It did, however, take me quite a bit longer to figure out how to route the charge through both hearts. But, I managed. It wasn't a comfortable position, but it worked.

"_CLEAR."_

_BZZZZZAPPPPP._

She gasped.

Her eyes flew open, both glowing gold with fire ...and bored directly into me.

The next thing I knew was Her lips pulling away from mine, leaving behind stars in their wake.

"Now THAT is a way to wake up."

I smiled. "Needed a short circuit, did you?"

"Something like that."

"Then far be it from me to complain. Are the both of you alright?"

"I'm fine. She is still resting, and probably will be for awhile."

"Understood. We should probably move now, cause my right leg is falling asleep, and when it goes, well ..."

"Of course."

Gingerly, I disentangled myself from my perch. Just in time, too; my leg hit the floor and immediately I felt static. That was gonna be a pain for awhile.

She slid off the table on the opposite side, appearing for all the world as if she had just had a ten minute nap, and not a week-long coma.

"Come along, sweetie. We've got places to go, people to meet, things to run from."

"Oh dear Lord yes to all of the above."

Our goodbyes were an understandably hurried affair; both of Us wanted nothing more than to hit the ground running. But there was still one more thing Fate decided to throw my way. Not much, when you look at it in comparison with all that had happened recently, but in Time…

It would become the most important thing of all.

"Witcher. I have something for you."

"You've given us plenty already. No need for more."

"Ah, but this is not from us. This is from another."

I blinked. "Another."

"Yes. I told you how at first we did not realize who it was that would be coming here with Miss Tyler. In fact, the only reason we did so is we were told."

My mind raced through possibilities. "I assume you don't mean the Doctor, judging by how you've left out a name for this... other."

'Correct. She did not give her name, but she knew enough that we had no difficulties trusting her. She also said that we would know you were the right person to give this to, if you mentioned one very specific thing."

"And that was?"

"The Hybrid."

"I wondered why you seemed prepared for that question. Alright, what did this mysterious lady leave for me?"

The High Priestess held out her hand.

In it, lay a glistening jade coin.

"Her exact words were, 'Toss this to him. He'll understand.'"

"...Oh, I understand perfectly."

Toss a coin to your Witcher.

And not just any coin, oh no.

A familiar, intertwined pair of snakes stared up at me.

This was a Gambit coin.

Somehow, someone in this reality knew about both the Witchers, and the Drifter. That meant one of two things: they either knew me from the future, or they knew me from my universe, and had somehow ended up here as well.

Sometimes I hate time travel.

I flipped the coin over.

The odds for knowing me from the future shot up dramatically.

The sigil of the Fallen House of Wolves was etched into the back. Something I knew had never been on a Gambit coin in my home reality.

Whoever had left it obviously knew about Us; the Bad Wolf and I.

That was...concerning.

Oh, well. Something to ponder later. I had a ride to catch.

"What does it mean, Witcher?"

"It could mean many things. Many things indeed. When I find out which, I'll be sure to let you know."

"I would be most grateful. Farewell."

"Catch you on the Flip Side."

The doors to the TARDIS were open. Rose must have already gone in. I followed suit.

Okay, I wasn't expecting that.

"She's redecorated."

Recessed bookshelves made a large circle around the console. Above them, stone walls rose in a dome, with buttresses spaced out for support. Behind, a wrought-iron staircase wound up to a door, one that presumably lead to the other rooms. Coffee tables and reading lights took up the remaining space.

The TARDIS now looked like the bunker from Supernatural. Hows that for ironic.

"...I don't like it."

"Not enough round things, I'll give you that. Still, nice atmosphere. And now we don't have to trudge all that way to sit in front of a fireplace. We've got one right here."

"Convenient."

"Yes. Well now; new TARDIS, new reality, new adventures. How about you go ahead and pick the first one."

She looked back at me. "Really?"

"Of course."

She immediately pulled the view-screen around and started scrolling. After a moment, her finger came to rest. "Here."

I looked at the name. "Persephone. Appropriate. Alright then."

We both reached out and rested our hands on the lever, our grins the perfect match for each other's.

"Way down we go."

"Allons-y!"

We threw the lever.

Oh, that noise. That wonderful, beautiful noise. Accompanied by the music it might as well have been.

"_Just take those old records from the shelf!_

_I sit and listen to 'em by myself!_

_Today's music ain't got the same soul!_

_I like that Old Time Rock 'n Roll!"_

Seems the TARDIS loved the classics as much as I did.

"Fantastic."


	22. Chapter 22

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:22

"The next time you pick a planet named after a Greek goddess, I am GIBBS-SLAPPING YOU!"

"YOU'RE the one who said it would be 'perfectly safe'! YOU said that as long as got in and got out quietly, everything would be great! YOU said that there was absolutely NO WAY to make a wrong turn in a ventilation shaft!"

"Yes, well it wasn't a wrong turn, was it! You can't possibly expect ME to take the blame for a bunch of high-society snobs holding a super-secret meeting in a room that hadn't been used in years!"

"Oh yes I can and I WILL!"

Things had, as you may have guessed, not gone entirely according to plan.

We had landed on Persephone with relatively little trouble. The _Serenity _had been easy enough to find amongst the jam of ships. After all, how many people do you know that look like Kaylee when she sits on the cargo ramp?

According to the perky engineer, Captain Reynolds, Jayne, and Zoe were out "picking up supplies" (code for getting paid for a job), and the ship wouldn't be going anywhere for some time. Perfect. That left Us with more than enough Time to cause a great deal of trouble for a great many people that deserved it.

Or Time to walk around and see the sights, whichever Rose preferred. And if our walk took us anywhere near Badger's base of operations, well, it would just be a fine coincidence, wouldn't it?

I took care to describe in great detail exactly where I had parked the TARDIS, and left the job of moving it to the hold of the _Serenity _in Kaylee's capable hands. Best not to go materializing around on a world where teleportation would draw a lot of uncomfortable questions. After that, it was off to explore.

We had just passed a particularly shady fruit dealer, when Rose finally brought up the subject of the planet's government.

"So, there's two classes, totally separate from each other, yet both depend on the other's existence to survive?"

"Something like that."

"How is it the richer class can look down on the others so easily, then?"

"The Alliance supports them. They prefer it when everything is rigid, set in stone. The richer class provides at least some semblance of 'order', however they define that. And so they turn the other way whenever something of a questionable nature might happen to anyone who brings attention to themselves as an objection-er."

"That's not right."

"No. It isn't. But anyone who might have had the ability to change things joined up with the Browncoats in the War. And that means they're probably either dead, in prison, or running like the Captain of the ship we just hired."

"We're not dead. Or in prison. Running, though? That might come after."

I smirked. "After what?" (as if I didn't already know).

"After We change things."

"Well, then. If We're gonna change anything around here, might I recommend We start with the man inside this building that We just so happened to stop in front of at the perfect moment."

Her head slowly turned to the warehouse, and then back to me.

"I hate you."

"I know. Shall We?"

"Do you have a plan?"

"Nnnope. Making this up as I go along."

"Alright then. Lead the way."

It wasn't hard to bypass what little security Badger had. Just a few goons put down for the count, and a bit of jiggery-pokery from my sonic, and we strolled right into Badger's den (see what I did there?). I did leave what few cameras I saw running. Usually a good idea to let your host know you're coming.

Needless to say, that made him a little antsy.

Well, either that or the mask. It does that.

"I presume all the dramatics were necessary.'

Classic Mark Shephard.

"Of course. Call it an audition. We have a proposition to make, and from what We hear, you're the sort of person that respects ability."

"Naturally. Whenever I see it, that is."

"Ouch. That hurt. And here I was hoping we could be friends."

"I don't do friends. And what could two artists of destruction such as yourselves possibly have that I could want?"

I slowly held up my psychic paper. "Credentials. All completely genuine, all completely functional. They are, however, not for sale. We are."

He leaned back in his chair. "I'm listening."

"We can get through practically any security on the planet, virtual or non. But when it comes to the actual structure, how it all runs, so to speak, we've got next to nothing. Comes from being new around here, I'm afraid. We thought that you might be able to point out a worthwhile...project, and provide any useful information you might have, in exchange for a split of the proceeds."

"Seventy-thirty split."

"Forty-sixty."

"Fifty-five-forty-five."

"Deal."

"Excellent. Unfortunately, there's really only one job around here that I couldn't easily replace you two for."

He began sweeping papers off his desk.

"All the high-society types like to keep their money off-world. Understandable, given how many people here would like to get their hands on it. But there's one group that _has _to keep their cash here…"

A map of a building complex emerged from under the pile of clutter.

"...is the government."

I stared. "You want Us. To rob. The government."

"I know your type well enough. Travels around a lot, enjoys sticking it to those snobbier than you would like. Probably fought for the Browncoats in the war, and spent a good deal of time with intelligence in order to get documents as good as those. Which means that not only are you the ones most used to breaking Alliance systems, but you're the ones most motivated to do so. Just the right kind of job for you."

Oh, this was perfect. "You make a fair point. What do We need to know."

And so it was that an hour later, armed with maps, guard schedules, and an account to deposit the stolen virtual funds in (that would come in real handy later), We found ourselves running as fast as We could down a bunch of seemingly endless corridors. Thank Gallifrey for virtual overlays, because otherwise We would have gotten lost for sure.

I really did have to find a better gun to carry than just the Colt. There were so many times I had the opportunity to light our pursuers up and couldn't, just because I really didn't want to waste any all-powerful bullets. Shame.

Still, we made it out with barely any injuries apart from a bruise where Rose had landed on top of me after I failed to move out of the way of that ventilation shaft's exit. Partially my fault, and partially not. There isn't really a good response to falling out of the ceiling in the middle of quite a lot of not very nice people. Thank Gallifrey that politicians make excellent hostages. Well, they did for about ten seconds. Just long enough to get through the door, and then it was lights out permanently. They wouldn't be missed. It was pleasing to see Rose had absolutely no problems dealing with Her own blubber-er. I would have to get at least something for Her to defend Herself with as well.

After about eighty left turns interspersed with a Fibonacci sequence of right ones, we made it to our 'back door'. Whatever or whoever might have noticed our somewhat rapid departure had been taken care of on the way in, whether peacefully or not. The ride back to Badger's den was relatively short and quiet, all things considering. I took the time to make a change of plans due to what We had ended up dealing with. Things like that required at least some form of response, after all.

Finally, a mere two and a half hours after stepping foot on the planet, we were back in front of Badger. And things were going exactly the way I'd expected them to.

"What do you mean! We did the job, we get the pay! That's how it works!"

"Not, in fact, how it works. At least this time. I was counting on you two to be discreet. And instead, you manage to assassinate two politicians, and get _the entirety of the planet's security force out looking for you_! I simply can't afford to keep around those who make hashes of things like how you did! There's no pay, for either of you. Now...get out."

"I think not."

Several guns swiveled in our direction. "I think so."

"Very well, then. Your funeral. Literally."

"What did you say?"

"Oh, didn't I mention? That little bank account you set up for the funds? I may, or may not, have traced the entirety of it back to your own accounts. It was just so easy once I realized how simple it was to copy your voice authorization." For once, my exact Crowley voice match coming in handy. " And then, We just left all that lovely data just sitting pulled up on the Alliance's main financial computer that We hacked.. Oops."

"..._WHAT!_"

"As of about, oh, three minutes ago, you just became the most wanted man on the planet. All of your legal assets were frozen, and transferred to the Alliance. Including several nasty viruses I left behind on the trail I so helpfully provided. Viruses that reversed whatever fund transfers they could find before they got shut down, meaning that," my visor started whirring, "several million Alliance credits just disappeared into thin air right after the investigation into you started, and then reappeared in an account only I can see or access. Hilarious, that."

"_WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?"_

"Oh please, you don't think I recognize a setup when I see one? One where it just so happens that a room your records swore was permanently out of use suddenly became ground zero between a collaboration of two groups of your rivals that you particularly loathe? Tut, tut, Badger. Not very subtle at all. I had planned to just take all the money back that We rightfully stole, and leave you out that, but I really, and I cannot stress this enough, _really, _dislike being backstabbed. So, a little impromptu justice was served, and I get to walk off richer than you will ever live to be. At least, if the Alliance has anything to say about it."

"And there'll be no walking for you, not if _I _have anything to say about it. Kill them!"

*INSERT LOTS OF GUNS GOING OFF AND DEATH NOISES*

"...Well, that was dramatic. Good to see you, Captain. I take it my payment went through?"

Captain Malcolm Reynolds holstered his pistol. "Every last credit. You didn't exactly give us much warning."

"Believe me Captain, you had as much as I did. But where are my manners? Introductions. I'm the Witcher. And the goddess of beauty and destruction to my right is Rose."

"Pleasure."

"Captain."

"The lady currently pointing a Mare's Leg at anything that might decide to be only mostly dead after all is my mate, Zoe. And the absolute unit behind you _appropriating _whatever he feels like is Jayne."

A voice sang out from behind me. **"_Aw Captain, you know I only take the guns and the ammo. Ain't nothing else these goons have we need more of_."**

"Jayne, your room is already _stacked _full of guns." This from Zoe.

**"_So?"_**

I snorted. "That man gets it. I have to ask, though: which of you thought it would be a good idea to shoot Badger in the ...southern area?"

**"_That'd be me!"_**

"Right. You get an extra thousand credits just for style points."

**"_Aw hell yeah!"_**

"As grateful as I am for any extra money my crew happens to earn, I would prefer it if any further additions to our funds were made on board my ship."

"You make a fair point, Captain. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can tip off the authorities like any loyal Alliance citizens would, and cash in on that lovely reward I'm sure has already been posted for our dearly departed friend's whereabouts."

**"_Huh?"_**

"He means we split and then tattle to the Alliance about this place to get even more money out of 'em."

**"_Well why didn't he say so then?"_**

Zoe sighed. "He did, Jayne. He did."

"Alright, everybody pack up. Witcher, you and I are gonna lead the way. Zoe, you take Rose in the middle. And Jayne, watch our backs."

And with that, back out into the city we went.

"I gotta ask, what in tarnation possessed you to double-cross Badger unarmed?"

"Oh, I was armed." I swung my coat open a little to reveal my holster. "It's just not a weapon I've got that much ammo for. I prefer to solve things with a little more style."

"Not much ammo, huh? How hard is it to find for that antique?"

"Harder than you would believe. Let's just say the bullets are meant for those who are a little more than human and leave it at that."

"First time I've ever heard 'Reavers' called 'more' 'stead of less."

"I wasn't talking about Reavers, Captain. Although I suppose it could kill them just fine as well."

"And I suppose you're not 'bout to elaborate beyond that."

"It's above your pay grade, Captain. Heck, it's above mine. Doesn't mean I don't trust you; just means there are certain things in the 'Verse that are never good to learn."

"You don't have to tell me; I've seen plenty of 'em."

"Yes. So I'm told."

We spent the rest of the journey in silence. I suspected Zoe was asking lots of innocuous questions about exactly where We came from, and Rose would be doing her best to avoid giving a straight answer. Jayne, of course, would be relieving the tension with his snort-inducing commentary, whether he meant it that way or not. Still, I was sure everything going on behind me would be fine. Zoe and Jayne were two people I knew I could rely on, despite never meeting them before in my life. Funny how that works.

All too soon, we found ourselves at our destination. The _Serenity, _beautiful as ever. And coming down the ramp, I recognized Kaylee, the good doctor (I'm sorry to say I'd forgotten his name), and…..

A kid.

A kid with red hair that could only belong to one person.

Bollocks. Much farther in the future than I had thought.

"Leaf, I thought I told you to stay with River."

Leaf. They kriffing named him Leaf. Of course they did.

"But River said I needed to meet the new people!"

One of these days I needed to find Fate and string her up with her own threads.

Wait…

Oh no. Kids were bad. Kids were potentially catastrophic. If Rose saw him…

*_FWUMP*_

Bollocks.

"Rose? _Rose? _Doc, we got an emergency!"

And here he came. "What happened Zoe?"

"I don't know, she was perfectly fine, and then she saw the ship and just…"

"It's alright, I'll take it from here."

They all swiveled to look at me.

The doctor was the first to object. "Absolutely not! This woman has obviously…"

"THIS woman has obviously had a very understandable reaction after seeing something neither of us had anticipated. I am perfectly aware of what caused it, and bed rest is all she needs."

"Sir, I don't care who you are, you can't tell a doctor not to perform his duty."

Oh, the irony.

"In point of fact, I tell that to doctors all the time. But that is _not _what I'm doing now. If you'll simply help me carry her somewhere she can rest, I'll explain along the way what happened; as a fellow professional. It is a very personal problem, something I would appreciate not being spread around."

"...Very well. But I reserve the right to make my own decisions on treatment."

"I can't ask for more."

I could, in fact. But I liked the doc, and left it at that.

"Put your left hand under her head, and your right under her back. I've got her legs."

"Right."

"Gently now."

As I once again carried the unconscious form of Rose Tyler up a staircase, I got the distinct impression that this was going to be a good deal of my life from now on.

* * *

"Demon's Run."

"How, how did you know?"

"I'm from his future. I always know. Why on Earth are you wearing that?"

"The Doctor's idea."

"Of course. His rules of engagement. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."

"Look ridiculous."

"Have you considered heels?"

"They've taken Amy. And our baby. The Doctor's getting some people together. We're going after her, but he needs you, too."

"I can't. Not yet, anyway."

"I'm sorry?"

"This is the Battle of Demon's Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further, and I can't be with him till the very end."

"Why not?"

"Because this is it. This is the day he finds out who I am."

"And the Witcher? The Doctor's looking for him, too. Whoever he is. Said not to tell you, but I thought you might know..."

"Who the Witcher really is? Yes. Yes I do. And all I can say is if the Doctor is truly looking for the Witcher, then God help you all. Because he might, just might, actually find him. ...And I'm not sure he'll be able to live with what that truly means."


	23. Chapter 23

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:23

"Alright. She's resting. She's safe. Now, what on Earth is so important that you are willing to jeopardize someone's welfare by withholding information."

"There's a difference between withholding and appraising doctor. You're lucky I consider it necessary for you to know at least some of the truth before you go and do something foolish."

"Hey, I hardly think…"

"Oh shut it. I'm telling you now aren't I?"

"Fine. Get on with it."

Deep breath in. This...was not going to be easy.

"Rose has...not had the easiest life. She used to travel around a lot, doing things normal people just can't do. Saw some stuff She probably shouldn't have. Made more than a few people angry. Powerful people. And in the end, it all just crashed and burned. Still, She was strong. Built a new life out of the broken pieces. Even had a family. But eventually, some of those people She pissed off found Her. They killed Her family right in front of Her. That by itself was enough to break Her, but they didn't stop there. They kept Her alive, and...experimented on Her. No sleep, no rest. Just pain. She disconnected from the outside world entirely. Built an entirely new personality on top of Her old one. As protection. One without either mercy or morals, and full of rage and fire. She'd probably still be trapped in Her own mind, if I hadn't come across Her while finishing off the last of Her captors. I've been...trying...to help Her, but I'm afraid healing something like that is beyond me. Beyond anyone. So, all we've been doing is...managing, really."

"So when She thought She saw a young kid, running as if towards Her, while being chased and surrounded by lots of dangerous people…"

"Exactly. We're lucky all that happened was...this."

"And what is 'this', precisely?"

"I think that, for now at least, She's fallen back into Her own mind. She should wake up relatively soon. I'm just not sure which version will be the one pulling the strings."

"So we sedate Her until we know."

"NO! No. Bad idea. Terrible, in fact. The people that kept Her before tried that. Any reaction we'd get from trying the same would probably be just as bad, if not worse. Just...try and keep anyone with visible weapons out, and we should be fine."

"_She's remembering._"

I swiveled to face the doorway. That voice belonged to one of the most tortured souls I knew. Funny; her story and Rose's were not so different. Maybe their similarities would give people enough pause to leave off the awkward questions.

At the very least, maybe she would be someone Rose could talk to.

"_She's seeing things...so long ago._"

"River, we've talked about this…"

I held up my hand. "No, no. It's fine. I'd like to hear what she has to say."

And I meant it. If there was anyone capable of seeing the truth of things, it was River Tam.

"_So long...and so very far away. Dreams of an Earth-That-Once-Was._"

"What are…"

"_Her's. But not yours._"

She tilted her head.

"_Two sides of a coin. You once were two, but now you're one. And so you'll be when all is done. Mile after mile; above, beneath. One has a smile, and one has teeth. The wolves that howl in forests dead will soon be joined by Gray and Red. Fire, and rage, and ice, and pain. And then it ends. Who'll stop the rain?_"

"Alright River. That's enough for now."

"By all means, don't make her stop on my account. I'm rather enjoying this."

"_...Thank you. You're not a...kind..man. But you don't act like it. I think. You're like Her, aren't you?_"

I nodded.

"_And She's like me. But I'm not like you, and neither is She. Why? Why isn't there anyone like you?_"

"...I like to think it's because it's very hard to be like me without either failing...or falling."

"_You fell. And yet you're still you._"

"Yes. I got a second chance. I intend to make the most of it."

"_You will. But not before you make the least of it. It was nice to meet you, Mr. Witcher._"

"Just Witcher. Friends don't need fancy names for each other, after all. It was a pleasure to meet you as well, Miss River Tam."

She smiled.

"_Friends. I think I like that._"

A groan from the table behind me.

"_...Witcher? What happened?"_

I suppressed a hiss of pain as I realized Bad Wolf was now using Her back door to my mind. This was _definitely _not Her, then.

"After which incident are we referring to?"

"_...Karn. Or...the mindscape? Still a bit fuzzy on that."_

"Understandable. And to answer your question, everything worked out fine. The Sisters' helped us both, we had some lovely tea, you picked out a planet, we arrived, managed to rob both the local government and one of the biggest local gang bosses, got away thanks to some lovely people, whose ship we are now paying passengers on, and if we're not already in space, we should be soon."

"_...That bit doesn't sound right."_

"Which bit?"

"_The bit about the tea."_

"Oh, that's right. You weren't there for the tea. Sorry about that. No Jammie Dodgers, but it was Karn after all."

"_...I passed out, didn't I?"_

"Well, that's one way of putting it."

"_That means this is the...medical room? Which means you.." _she turned to face Simon (that was his name!), "_must be the doctor."_

"Well there's certainly nothing wrong with her critical thinking. Simon Tam."

"_Rose Tyler. And who might you be?"_

I watched as their eyes met. A flash of gold. From both Rose and River. That was troubling.

"_...River. I'm Simon's sister."_

A very long, awkward silence followed, neither one of them willing to drop the other's gaze.

Finally...

"_...Witcher, I think she's like me."_

I sighed "Yes, she's already said as much Rose."

"_No, I mean she's like __ME__."_

"...Oh, bollocks. You're telling me THAT'S what that was? Ohhhhhh, just wait 'til I get my hands on Fate. I'm gonna force feed her her own ledger."

"What? What's going on?"

"Doctor, I understand if you don't want to answer this question, but it is vitally important that you do so honestly. Because if what I think has happened, has happened, then we may have a very, very big problem on our hands. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but…"

"Ah, ah, ah, ah. Now, the question: did River ever attend any government-run facility?"

I already knew she did, of course. But I needed to know more about it.

"..Yes. Yes she did. How did you…

"Know? It's my job. Next question what was the name of this place?"

"...The Academy. Just...the Academy."

"Where was it?"

"Capital City. On Osiris."

"Do you know who ran it?

"...The Headmaster was a man named...Borusa, I think."

"Oh bollocks. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks."

"Why? Does that mean something?"

"It means, my dear doctor, that I not only know exactly what happened to your sister, but more importantly, I know why. And where there's one rat, there's always more. Looks like we're gonna be catching a ride to Osiris sooner rather than later."

"_Witcher? Who's Borusa?"_

"A not very nice Time Lord that was supposed to be dead a very long time ago. A man obsessed with the continued survival of his race, at all costs."

"Time Lord? His race? I don't understand!"

"You're not meant to, doctor. That comes later. Come on. We're going to see the Captain, right now."

It was at that very moment that Fate decided to give another yank on her many strings. For what should come flying through the door at that very minute, followed by the entirety of the rest of _Serenity's _crew?

Why, a very familiar glowing blue message cube, of course!

"Looks like the Captain decided to come see us."

"Yes, I can see that, thank you Doctor Obvious."

"**_Somebody stop that blasted thing!"_**

"It's already stopped, Jayne!"

"And I, for one, would like to know not only why, but how the hell it got on my ship in the first place."

"Ah. Sorry. But I very much suspect it was, in fact, looking for me."

The glares I received could have frozen Hell.

It was then the cube decided to spit out it's apparently emergency-worthy message.

The Eleventh Doctor's voice cut the air. "Hello, Witcher. At least, really hoping it's you. This was the last thing I could think of to reach you. You said I left her. You're right, of course. And now, I need your help. Because they've taken her. They've taken Amy. And I promised myself I'd never leave anyone ever again. I should have listened to you earlier. Demon's Run. That's where she is. Where she was taken. I'm sending you the coordinates. And just this once, I want you to do what you're good at. If there's shooting, shoot back. If there's killing...burn them. Burn them all. See you in Glocca Morra."

I sighed. It never rains, but it pours.


	24. Chapter 24

Note: Thank you to all my marvelous reviewers!

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:24

**"****_Aliens. You're tellin' us there's aliens. Real. Life. Aliens."_**

"I'm afraid so."

**"****_...God_****_dammit_****_! Do you know how annoying it is to lose a bet to _****_Kaylee_****_? I'm never gonna hear the end of it."_**

"...You're telling me, that you and Kaylee, had a bet, on whether or not aliens were real."

**"****_What, like we had better things to bet on?"_**

"He's got a point, Captain."

Mal sighed. "I don't even want to know what it is exactly you just lost."

**"****_Well, you see…"_**

"Jayne, I said I don't want to know."

Rose stifled a snort. Most of the rest of the crew was trying to hide grins as well.

"So, you all believe me then?"

"Managed to bankrupt both the local government and Badger, got away without a mark on your name, which, incidentally, I tried to look up, only to find it didn't exist, not restricted, non-existent, and just had a floating cube somehow magically appear on board a space-bound ship with a message meant specifically for you? I'm gonna go with aliens or wizards. Neither of which concerns me all that much. What does concern me, is the mess of words that little glowy boy just spit out. Demon's Run? Please tell me that's a clever name and has nothing to do with actual demons."

"Ironically, it's the exact opposite. Base of operations for a religious group called The Silence. Bunch of very nasty people, humans and aliens alike. But luckily, very, very predictable."

"Religious how?"

"They have only one belief. That there is a Question. The oldest Question in the universe, hidden in plain sight. And no matter the cost, no matter the price, that Question must never be answered."

"So fanatics then."

"On that one topic, yes."

**"****_You fought 'em before?"_**

"No. That was always the Doctor's job."

"The man that sent the message."

"Yes."

"But now he's asking for you to fight 'em."

"It would appear so. Which is good news for you and your crew, Captain."

"How so?"

"Two reasons: one, your ship is about to get a whole lot of free undetectable alien upgrades. And two, you all just got a two-hundred percent pay raise. Cause I'm definitely gonna need the whole lot of you for this job."

"Either make it three-hundred percent, or start explaining exactly how dangerous this things' gonna be. I don't care to get my crew caught up in something that's 'above our pay grade'."

"How about four-hundred percent, _and _an explanation?"

"...That works."

"One condition."

"Shoot."

"When we get to Demon's Run, you all do exactly as I say. That means you shoot who I tell you to, and no questions asked about how we get to where we're going."

"Deal. Start explaining."

"Miss Zoe, if you would be so kind as to go and fetch Kaylee? We're gonna need her for this next bit. Simon, I would appreciate it if you started putting together what you need to treat sword wounds. Captain, I'm gonna need your permission to start running some connections from that box sitting in your cargo hold throughout the rest of the ship. River, or whoever's the best pilot, is gonna need a crash course in flying on TARDIS controls."

**"****_What the hell's a TARDIS?"_**

"Something above your pay-grade, Jayne. Now, I'm gonna hook the cloaking systems of my TARDIS up to the _Serenity._ The hard part of will be making sure I don't touch anything too important, hence why I need Kaylee. River will then fly us through a very complicated shortcut to the Run, where we will then dock and wait. Once I give the signal, the Captain, Zoe, and Simon will board and make your way to the largest cluster of life-signs. What you'll be running into is a subgroup of the Silence called the Headless Monks. Dress all in red robes with the hoods pulled up. Needless to say, you can't head-shot 'em. Chest or legs. They're very fond of using double-sided swords, hence why the good doctor will be prepared for cuts and stabs. They should be the only hostiles you'll encounter. Put 'em all down, quick as you can. Save all those you find not dressed in red. Once everyone's either dead or rescued, we pack up, and leisurely make our way off back through the shortcut, hopefully with some new passengers. Any questions?"

**"****_Yeah, what the hell am I supposed to do while you all do the fun stuff?"_**

"My sincere apologies, Jayne. I have two very important jobs for you. While we're waiting for the opportune moment, you are gonna make your way around on the outside of the Run with a spacesuit and the absolute biggest gun you have, which I intend to upgrade as well to make even bigger booms. When I give the signal, consider all transports trying to leave as enemy targets. Take as many out as you can. Each one you get is another thousand credits on your pay. Easy money, considering they're not gonna be able to shoot back."

**"****_I'm liking you more and more by the minute."_**

"Thanks. Just one more thing: do you happen to have any spare revolvers?"

**"****_Tons of 'em."_**

"Good. Cause I'm gonna need one."

* * *

"A Rhino. You have, an honest-to-goodness, Chiappa Rhino."

**"****_I know, right? You know how hard it is to get your hands on antiques like that? Can't use it, cause of the flash burns, but the thing just looks cool."_**

"Yeah, well now it's about to shoot cool as well."

Just the very fact that I had happened to dig up a revolver chambered in 9mm was lucky enough, but for it to be the closest to a replica of the infamous Last Word hand-cannon as well? Destiny (see what I did there) certainly loved her irony.

I slid six of my Abstergo-appropriated, moon-clipped laser cartridges into the cylinder. Perfect fit.

"Voila. The done, she is tricked. One infinitely firing laser-revolver to go."

**"****_...Oh, I gotta get me one of those."_**

"Here. Eight more for you, whenever you find a gun that can take 'em."

**"****_Aw hell yeah. Now, you said something about upgrading.." _**he hauled an absolutely massive case into sight,** "****_this bad boy?"_**

"...Jayne. Just where did you get ahold of a Carl Gustav recoil-less rifle?"

Rifle in this case was a vast understatement. Things could bust bunkers that were under the bunker they just busted. And with HEAT rounds, let's just say whoever you aimed one at was gonna have a very bad day.

**"****_What, you thought all we smuggled was just mildly illegal?"_**

"...Fair point. I'm guessing however that ammo was a bit hard to come by?"

**"****_You could say that."_**

"Hmm. Let's fix that. I've got an idea."

* * *

"You gave Jayne an infinitely firing rocket launcher."

"No Captain, try and keep up. He already had the launcher. I just gave him some indestructible ammo that will fly for far longer than normal, with an attached teleportation system that puts the missile right back in the tube after it hits its target, so you can send it right back out again. So, instead of him having just ten shells, he now has the equivalent of around a thousand. Also, you might want to keep Jayne away from the shepherd. He made some passing remarks about roping him into hitching the pair of us, and I'm pretty sure Rose would have some things to say on that subject."

"Wouldn't she just. Alright, we're standing in front of your...TARDIS. And I'm failing to see how you managed to fit cloaking technology inside that little bitty amount of space."

"I didn't."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Then beg."

I snapped my fingers, and the doors swung open.

"I fit cloaking technology into this much, much _larger_ amount of space."

"But..but that's…"

"_It's bigger on the inside._"

"Yeppppppp. Love it when they say that."

"SQUEEEEEE!"

"Really, Kaylee?"

"But Captain, she's so beautiful!"

"She?"

"_Yes. She. What else would you call a ship with this much personality?_"

*Bu-Wheep* (Damn straight).

"SQUEEEE! Captain, she talks!"

"Yes. And she does quite a bit more than that. This is the TARDIS. Time and Relative Dimension in Space. The most powerful ship in the universe. And it's mine."

"...I'm confused. If you have a ship, why'd you ship out on ours?"

"Bit conspicuous. The Old Girl doesn't exactly have the most subtle method of travel. Appearing and disappearing right in front of people usually has a lot of people questioning their religion. And that's attention you really don't need when moving around someplace like Alliance space. But now, we can appear and disappear as much as we like."

But you still need _Serenity _why, exactly? We could all just pile onto your ship and fly to this Demon's Run place."

"We could. But there are certain people on board the Run I would really appreciate not knowing I have a TARDIS, and besides, it just means you get a free cloaking system out of the deal. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Captain."

"Fine. How long to rig up the system?"

"Not long. Especially with Kaylee's help."

"_She's enjoying this. Almost like an...adrenaline rush? She says she loves it whenever you pick up new strays._"

"Aaaaaand of course she talks to you."

"SQUEEEEE! Wait, strays? What's she mean strays? Do you keep pets? Do you have a dog?"

*Bwoo* (Once).

"_She says she did in fact used to have a dog._"

"SQUEEEE! Puppies on a spaceship!"

I sighed. "Sorry Captain. Looks like it's gonna take a lot longer than I thought."

* * *

"Are you sure you've got it River?"

"_Yes. The Old Girl was quite specific about how to fly her._"

"Good. Just follow the coordinates, and we should be good."

"_...__Why didn't you say you travel in time too__?"_

A sigh slipped out. "Of course she'd tell you that. The thing is, people...tend to think time travel is there for them to fix whatever went wrong in their life. Fix your job, fix your school, fix your war. It's not something most people should ever have to wrestle with."

"_You're trying to fix Demon's Run, though. Aren't you? I don't think it happened like this before._"

"...No, no it didn't. But I'm a Time Lord. Fixing things is my job. And the Doctor's too, to an extent. I can't change everything about today. But maybe, I can change just one thing. And sometimes, that's all you need."

"_...Am I a Time Lord too?_"

"Not completely sure. You can talk to the TARDIS, and Rose can see that you're like Us. So at the very least, you're part Time Lord. We can check later, if you'd like."

"_...I would._"

"Alright. Incidentally, how long ago was it for you? The Academy, I mean."

"_...Six years._"

"And you haven't aged a day since then, have you?

"_...No._"

"That's all I was wondering. Thank you. Just one more thing. After we dock, would you mind keeping Rose company? I was thinking, maybe...you...can help her more than me."

"_...I'll try._"

"Thank you, once again."

"We ready to go up here?"

I swiveled to face the bridge door. "Whenever you're ready Captain."

"Punch it."

"You heard the man, River." I smiled. "Punch away."

_VWHOOOOOOOOOM!_

Jayne's screaming was totally worth it.


	25. Chapter 25

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:25

The conquerors of Demons Run turned to look at the light that had suddenly appeared around the TARDIS.

Amy was the first to react. "What's that?"

Anxiety crept into Vastra's voice. "_A force field."_

A sigh from Lorna. "And those are the doors locking."

"_Apparently we're not leaving."_

Rory raised his sword. "Is that the Monks?"

Horror crossed Dorium's face as he realized what the voices that were all around them were saying. " Oh, dear God. That's the attack prayer."

Rory began to move. "Quick, come with me."

"_Commander Strax!"_

"**I'm trying to seal off this area of the lighting grid!"**

"_This is where we'll make our stand. Clear lines of sight on all approaches."_

"Rory, no offense to the others, but you let them all die first, okay?"

"You're so Scottish."

"_Centurion, you're needed!"_

Lorna began to look around. "There should be some plasma pistols somewhere. They left everything."

"**Then find them, boy!"**

"_She's definitely a girl."_

Exasperated sounds from Jenny. "Oh, stop it!"

"We don't have to fight them. I'm friends with the Monks. They know me."

"Yeah, and they know you just sold them out to the Doctor."

"Oh, they'll understand it's only me. Only silly old me. You understand, don't you?"

"_Mister Maldovar, get back here!"_

"**Arm yourself, fool!"**

"Dorium!"

_FWUMP._

"_Mister Maldovar?"_

"Dorium?"

And Dorium's now headless body returned, followed by two Monks.

"_The child. At all costs, protect the child!" _

BANG! BANG!

The two Monks slump lifelessly to the ground.

The group turns towards the sound of the gunshots.

"Well, well, well. Looks like we're about to fight a bunch of fanatics with swords who think it's a good idea to go round kidnapping children. What's that make us, Zoe?"

"Big damn heroes, sir."

"Ain't we just."

* * *

I watched as the exchange played out on my TARDIS' screen.

The Doctor was doing a very good impersonation of a tiger, what with all the growling. "A child is not a weapon!"

Madame Kovarian grinned. "Oh, give us time. She can be. She will be."

"Except you've already lost her, and I swear I will never let you anywhere near her again."

Time for me to step in.

"Oh, Doctor. Fooling you once was a joy, but fooling you twice the same way? It's a privilege."

I punched the button.

Instantly the screen now displayed a split view, my face right next to Kovarian.

"Ah, but that's the thing isn't it? You put all this work and effort into fooling the Doctor, well done on that by the way, but I'm afraid that in doing so you forgot one minor detail that is about to become a great big pain in your neck."

And for one brief moment, the leader of the Silence was thrown off her rhythm.

"You didn't put any effort into fooling anyone else."

Kovarian's voice returned. "And here I was thinking the Doctor had finally run out of friends. Tell me, why should I care whether another pathetic hanger-on should have noticed what the Doctor did not."

"Oh, you probably shouldn't. That is, if I was a hanger-on. But what I actually am, who I am...is someone who is already making your life extremely difficult."

An explosion shook the background of the Doctor's signal.

"Oh dear. Looks like Colonel Run-Away didn't run fast enough. Pity. At least you can save on his funeral."

Another explosion.

"It was so thoughtful of you to take that calculated risk with buying Dorium's security. You thought the Doctor would be the only person to go digging around, and so you left the door wide open for me to slip into your back doors and kill all your transports dead in the water. And I'm paying a very good friend of mine a thousand a head for each one he gets."

Yet another boom.

"No. No. Stop! Whoever you are, stop! You're a friend of the Doctor! You don't kill people who've already surrendered!"

"Oh yes I do. Especially if they never surrendered to me."

"What have you done."

"Finally, the man of the hour speaks!"

"What. Have. You. Done."

"Oh, you know. Cleaned up as much of your mess as I could. You're welcome. You did say to burn them, after all. But I'm afraid there's still some things coming I can't change. For the both of you. For you, Doctor, the knowledge that this is what happens when you try to do my job for me. And calling me in to fix it will always end with a great deal more blood than you care for. For you, Kovarian, the knowledge that the only reason you aren't already dead is because I've seen the future. And you have no place in it. You shouldn't have made the Doctor desperate enough to call another Time Lord for help."

"A..another..Time Lord?"

"What, you thought we were all on Gallifrey when it went schwoop? Sorry to disappoint."

"The...the Master?"

"Nope. Guess again."

"The Rani?"

"Seriously? With this hairdo?"

"...Rassilon?'

"Oh, come on. I look nothing like Timothy Dalton!"

"The Witcher. His name's...the Witcher."

"You just suck the fun right out of everything, don't you Doc?"

"No. No, no, no…"

"Oh. So, you've heard of me then. Honestly, wasn't expecting that. I was just playing it up for laughs."

"You're with HIM? YOU HATE HIM!"

"Okay, hate's kinda a strong word, I feel we got this whole 'mutual respect' thing going…"

"YOU PROMISED! YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO ALL IN YOUR POWER TO STOP…"

Her mouth clicked shut.

"Almost made a slip up there, didn't you? Still, I can guess what you were gonna say. I do work in the future, after all. And let me assure you, Madame Kovarian, I whatever promises I may have made in that future, still hold here. I just see more of the big picture than either of you. Now, off you both pop. Doctor, you have a party to get to. And Madame, you have a lot of running to get started on. Catch you both on the Flip Side."

I cut the connection.

There was still work to be done, after all.

* * *

"Demons run when a good man goes to war. Night will fall and drown the sun, when a good man goes to war. Friendship dies and true love lies, night will fall and the dark will rise, when a good man goes to war. Demons run, but count the cost. The battle's won, but the child is lost."

* * *

"Amy, she's not real! Melody, she's a Flesh avatar. Amy!"

"...Yeah, we know."

Carnage. All the monks lie dead, some by sword, and some by bullet.

"**It's strange. I have often dreamed of dying in combat. I'm not enjoying it as much as I'd hoped."**

"Come on, Strax. Don't give up."

"**It's all right. I've had a good life. I'm nearly twelve."**

"Listen to me. You'll be back on your feet in no time. Especially if Doctor Tam has anything to say about it. You're a warrior."

"**Rory, I'm a nurse."**

Jenny and Zoe were doing their best to comfort Amy. So far, they weren't succeeding.

"So they took her anyway. All this was for nothing."

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that. Ain't nothing in the Verse ever for nothing. We just...ain't seen the something yet."

"...I am so sorry."

Jenny tried to hold Amy back. "Amy, it's not his fault."

"I know. I know."

"_Doctor, there's someone who wants to speak to you. Her name is Lorna. She came to warn us."_

Captain Reynolds sat beside a wounded Lorna Bucket. "You must be the Doctor."

"Yes."

"I've done what I can for her. But I ain't seen too many wounds like this. Any, in fact. Best say whatever you want to say quick."

Slowly, he knelt by her side. "Hey. Hello."

"Doctor."

"You helped my friends. Thank you."

"I met you once, in the Gamma Forests. You don't remember me."

"Hey, of course I remember. I remember everyone. Hey, we ran, you and me. Didn't we run, Lorna?"

She slumped back.

Mal ran his fingers over her wrist. "She's just unconscious. Should be fine 'til we get her back to the med bay."

The Doctor rose, and backed away. "Who was she?"

"_I don't know, but she was very brave."_

"They're always brave. They're always...brave."

"_So, what now? They'd almost certainly have taken her to Earth. Raise her in the correct environment."_

"Yes, they did. And it's already too late."

"_You're giving up? You never do that."_

"Yeah, and don't you sometimes wish I did?"

"_I see a bad moon rising!_

_I see trouble on the way!_

_I see earthquakes and lightning!_

_I see bad times today!_

_Don't go round tonight! It's bound to take your life!_

_There's a bad moon on the rise!"_

I stopped dancing. "Oops. Sorry. Too soon?"

"You. _You. _What the…"

"Ah, ah, ah, Doctor. There's someone else who wants to say hello first."

*_ZZZZZZAP*_

"Well then, soldier. How goes the day?"

Trust River Song to be theatrical.

"Where the hell have you been? Every time you've asked, I have been there. Where the hell were you today?"

"I couldn't have prevented this."

"And neither could I."

"You, either one of you, could have tried!

"And so, my love, could you. I know you're not alright. But hold tight, Amy, because you're going to be."

"You think I wanted this? I didn't do this. This, this wasn't me!"

"This was exactly you. All this. All of it. You make them so afraid. When you began, all those years ago, sailing off to see the universe, did you ever think you'd become this? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name. Doctor. The word for healer and wise man throughout the universe. We get that word from you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are, what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma Forests, the word Doctor means mighty warrior. How far you've come. And now they've taken a child, the child of your best friends, and they're going to turn her into a weapon just to bring you down. And all this, my love, in fear of you."

"You got too big, Doctor. Big is my thing. Fear as well. But they've feared you for a long time now. Ever since the Sycorax, I should think. And now, it's caught up with you. Because they look at you now, and see a man willing to do anything to save those he has lost."

"THEN THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN THEM FROM ME!"

"And there...is the truth of you, Doctor. Other people shouldn't. But never you. Never you. You yourself said good men don't need rules. Did you really think you could get away with pretending to be one, knowing you've done what you've done? No. No more."

"...No more. You. I know who you are, now. You've told me, in your story, and all the little spoilers you keep dropping. And it terrifies me. But you…" he turned back to River, "Who are you?"

"...Oh look, your cot. Haven't seen that in a very long while."

"No, no, you tell me. Tell me who you are."

"I am telling you. Can't you read?"

"...Oh. Hello."

"Hello."

"But, but that means…"

"I'm afraid it does."

"Ooo. But you and I, we, we, we, er.."

"Yes."

"...How do I look?"

"Amazing."

"I'd better be."

"Yes, you'd better be."

"Vastra and Jenny, till the next time. Rory and Amy, I know where to find your daughter, and on my life, she will be safe. River, Witcher, get them all home.

"Doctor!"

"No! Where are you going?"

Down came the force-field, and into the TARDIS went the Doctor.

"No!"

_VWHOOOOOSH. VWHOOOOOSH. VWHOOOOOSH._

"Where's he going and what did you tell him?"

River held up her hands. "Amy, you have to stay calm."

A gun appeared in Amy's hand. "Tell me what you told the Doctor."

"Amy, no. Stop it!"

"It's okay, Rory. She's fine. She's good. It's the TARDIS translation matrix. It takes a while to kick in with the written word. You have to concentrate."

A pause. Then up comes the gun barrel again. "I still can't read it."

"It's because it's Gallifreyan and doesn't translate. But this will."

The prayer leaf.

"It's your daughter's name in the language of the Forest."

"I know my daughter's name."

"Except they don't have a word for Pond, because the only water in the forest is the River. The Doctor will find your daughter, and he will care for her whatever it takes. And I know that. It's me. I'm Melody. I'm your daughter."

"And him?" Rory pointed in my direction. "Who's he?"

"...I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

"No, now it's my turn to do the demanding. Who is the Witcher? Who. Is. He."

"...I can only tell you who the Doctor thinks he is."

Oh this was gonna be good.

"Once, there was a version of the Doctor. One who saw something...truly terrible. Lost someone everyone he ever cared about. And when the Doctor travels alone for too long...bad things happen. He made the laws of Time his own, to do with as he wanted. Save who he wanted. Lost the name of the Doctor. And the only thing that stopped him was a single moment where one of the people he saved took her own life when she learned what he had done."

The Time Lord Victorious, then.

"But the Doctor still wonders. What would have happened if he had gone all the way? What kind of universe might we live in? What new name might he have chosen? And you…" she pointed to me, "have answered that question for him, Witcher."

"I do what I must. For all other's good but my own."

"Yes. Because you are not a good man; you are a Righteous One."

"So I've been told."

"A Wolf is only Righteous because it has no soul. The same could be said of you."

"Don't I know it."

"A Wolf. She said there were wolves..."

"...Pardon?"

"Idris. The...TARDIS. She said the only water in the forest was the river...and the wolves of the forest were howling."

Wolves again. White, Bad, Gray, Red.

"And so they did. The White Wolf, and his pack. And next time, there will be more."

"Next time?"

"Spoilers."

"Fair point. Alright. Let's run up topsails and clear up this mess. We've got a ride to catch and a substantially richer skeet-shooter to retrieve."


	26. Chapter 26

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:26

Amy and Rory were still avoiding me. I couldn't really blame them. They'd seen the Doctor's dark side up close and personal in the form of the Dream Lord, and it made sense they'd both prefer not to see it again. Even if that was about as far from me as you could get.

Strax and Jayne had gotten along like an entire city on fire. I had finally had to step in after a certain card game involving live grenades and prodigious amounts of alcohol. It had taken a great deal of convincing for Strax to stay with Madame Vastra and Jenny, but he had finally given up when I made it perfectly clear exactly why humanity finding out about aliens in the time of the Alliance was a very bad idea. He still grumbled vigorously, and only the promise of some jelly sherbet fancies managed to tone it down to a manageable level.

Rose had been gone when we rolled Lorna into the med bay. It looked like Bad Wolf was back, for now at least. River must have done at least some good. I found Her standing at the TARDIS controls.

"Is he gone?"

"Yes. But he'll be back. I know where he's going, after all."

"Spoilers."

I turned. "I don't recall telling you to listen in on my private conversations, Doctor Song."

"Well that's probably because you didn't. I can see you've redecorated."

"The Old Girl's idea. It's kinda growing on me."

"Not enough round things."

"That's what I said."

"Yes. Now, it may have slipped the Doctor's mind, but I distinctly remember hearing about both a name that wasn't enough, and a great deal more wolves than just the one."

"So Amy and Rory told you, huh."

"Something like that. Is She here?"

"You're looking at Her."

"No, no, she was blonde. He was quite specific about that."

"Some of us can afford the upgrade."

I groaned. "Oh sure, rub it in again why don't you. The Doctor tries for over a thousand years, and me for I've forgotten how long, and the both of you got it on practically the first go. Bloody gingers."

"But..but that means…"

"Bad Wolf, at your service. And who might you be?"

"You don't know me?"

"Your face, yes. I've seen it before, in other times and places. Your name, I'm afraid not."

"...Song...Doctor River Song."

"Two Rivers. That's gonna be confusing for awhile."

"Not too long, though. Just a few more stops, then we can get back to dealing with what we were originally going to before that blasted cube showed up."

"I'm sorry, can we go back to the part where the Bad Wolf is currently alive and well, and apparently capable of regeneration, while Rose Tyler is nowhere to be found?"

"Oh, she's here, don't worry. We came to a mutually satisfactory arrangement, you might say. Let's just say we're 'roommates', and leave it at that."

"...Okay then."

I snorted. "She's not the only one to just reappear out of thin air, you know. Ironically enough, we were just on our way to handle another recently re-emerged old...acquaintance, of the Doctor's when his message came through."

"Who is it?"

"Has the Doctor ever mentioned a Time Lord named Borusa?"

"...Oh no."

"Oh yes. Apparently, he's gotten it into his head that rebuilding Gallifrey can only be accomplished with...distasteful genetic experiments."

"...He didn't."

"_He did."_

Trust the other River to show up at exactly the right time.

"_I know, because he did it to me."_

"...I'm taking a wild guess that this is the other River?"

"Got it in one."

"_Another one like Us. More like You, and less like Her."_

"What's she…"

"Just let her finish."

"_You said they would either fail, or fall. She's one of the ones who failed."_

"It happens."

"_Yes. You promised me you would check."_

"Of course. Would you prefer it if they left, or ..."

"_They can stay. They need to See as well."_

"Alright then. Just stick your fingers in the telepathic interface, and we should be good to go."

She slowly complied.

"Are you sure you don't want your brother in here?"

"_He wouldn't understand. Couldn't."_

"Even if you aren't a full Time Lord, he'll still deserve to know."

"_I'll tell him. At the opportune moment."_

I nodded.

Thirty seconds later, and we had our answer.

"Full change in everything except the brain. Looks like a lot was deleted to make sure the Time Lord consciousness wouldn't burn you out. I could try and get rid of some of the programming, but I wouldn't even know how to begin replacing it. You got lucky."

"_Relatively."_

"Fair point."

She slid her fingers out of the interface.

"_You said you were going after the people that did this. Can I come?"_

"...I don't know. Borusa might have some backup programming in there that lets him gain control, not to mention how either your brother or the Captain feels about it. Tell you what; you bring it up with them, and if they say yes, you can come. You've got a stake in this as well, after all."

"_...Thank you."_

"Don't mention it."

"I'm coming too."

"I didn't ask, Doctor Song."

"Neither did I. If someone's out there making people into Time Lords as their own personal army, then we need to hit them with everything we have."

"...Okay. Fair warning, we're probably gonna have to split up into teams of two. Borusa's never been good at multitasking."

"_I'll go with Doctor Song."_

"You sure about that, River?"

A nod.

"Alright. Looks like it's me and Rose. We'll work the rest out later. For now, we've got some people to get home."

Doctor Song turned to leave, and then paused. "I know the Doctor's probably asked you this before, but I have to as well: how much do you know? About what's coming?"

"...Too much. The astronaut in the lake, the crash in Berlin, Jim the Fish…just, too much."

"Are you going to try and change it?"

"...No. I did enough of that today. I'm not the judge; I'm just the executioner."

"Good. Because I wouldn't rewrite those times, not for anything in the world."

"I know."

She left. Probably to calm Amy and Rory down. Heaven knows they needed it.

"Witcher, you never mentioned exactly who she was."

"Oh didn't I? So sorry. She's the Doctor's wife."

Well that did the trick.

"He forgot me then."

"He forgets everything eventually. He doesn't like endings."

Captain Reynolds slipped into the room. "We're all set, Witcher. Miss Lorna's all stitched up, and the potato man is getting antsy. Let's blow this joint."

"As you wish."

Up came the coordinates for Victorian London.

"Punch it, River."

_VWHOOOOOM._

"...As entertaining as Jayne's screams are Captain, I'd appreciate it if you shut the door. Looks like we've got another job for you. One that involves a bit of payback for some of your crew."

"I'm listening…"


	27. Chapter 27

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:27

"No. Absolutely not."

Rose and River had abandoned me, probably to tag-team Simon into letting his sister go. Which left me all on my own to convince the Captain to take the job. Typical.

"In the last 24 hours, we found out aliens exist, and that they're capable of punching holes in space clear to the other side of the galaxy. We then traveled _through _one of those blasted holes, fought off a bunch of psycho sword monks _without heads, _and became a taxi service for a bunch of miscreants that make us look respectable. And we're done. The money was nice, but we're not fighting anymore beings. Not today. We need some downtime."

"Fair enough. How about I propose an alternative: take a paid vacation. All on me. Fix up _Serenity, _try out your new cloaking systems, knock about wherever you like. All expenses paid."

"The catch?"

"You let me borrow whoever wants to come along. Same pay rates as before, same vacation offer. You just leave it up to them which one they want to take. And I'll bring them back when we're done, safe and sound."

"Can you guarantee that?"

"I could answer that existentially, but all I'm gonna say is I'll do my best."

"...Let me sit on it. We still got a few more stops to make, right? I'll give you an answer when we're all done. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Good. Oh, and you might want to head up to the med-bay. Last I heard, Miss Lorna was asking for you."

"Huh. Alright. I'll be along in a bit."

He nodded, and sauntered away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I admit, I was curious to know what Miss Lorna Bucket could possibly want with me. The real question for me, was whether or not my curiosity was enough to justify the awkward conversation I would have to endure to get to her?

Because, on my view-screen, I could clearly see the assembled Ponds, plus Rose, standing in the cargo bay. Right in front of the TARDIS doors. Obviously waiting for me. I sighed. Oh well. Might as well get on with it.

I stepped out.

It came as no surprise that Amy was the first one to speak.

"She's told us. All of it."

"All of it is quite a lot. You're gonna have to be more specific."

"The Templars. Abstergo. What you did to rescue her."

"Ah. That."

"They deserved to know."

"Well then, far be it from me to argue with the boss. So, now you know, can we skip to the part where you yell at me for my lack of morals and say I've gone completely off the rails?"

"No."

"...Might I ask why?"

"Well, to go off the rails, you would have to be on them to begin with."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Last Centurion, the world's greatest humorist!"

"Hush you."

"Yes boss."

"What Rory was trying to say, is...we know you're not the Doctor. You're from somewhere a lot...darker. And we haven't got the right to judge someone whose life we don't know anything about. So, all we're gonna say, is you may feel it's still your job to do what you used to do. Make the choices you used to make. But this world has the Doctor. It's not all on you anymore. You can...find peace. You've got a TARDIS; use it! See the universe. Make memories. Good ones. And let the Doctor do his job."

"Yes. Cause that worked out so well today."

In hindsight, I probably deserved that slap.

"Blimey. Always the gingers."

"You, shut up. What he meant to say was yes; yes you have the Doctor. But today is what happens when the Doctor has a personal stake in his choices. And every now and then, even the Doctor needs someone to make the hard decisions for him. Witcher's told me about the Star Whale, Amy. What if you hadn't been there that day? Would he have still been the Doctor if if he had done what he felt he had to? No. No he wouldn't. But that's the point of the Witcher. No matter what he does, no matter how far he goes, he will _never _lose his name. We fully intend to see the universe, _and _make some fantastic memories. But we also intend to be there when either the Doctor won't be...or can't be. I can't make it any clearer than that."

"...I think I understand. I still don't like it though."

"If anyone liked it, they wouldn't be the right people for the job, now would they?"

Amy's head tilted down. "No. I suppose not."

"Well, no that I haven't enjoyed this, but I was told Miss Bucket wanted to see me. If you'll pardon me…"

"Course. Just...one thing. Our daughter. Do you know...does the Doctor find her?"

"...Yes. But not for a long while yet. And you'll know when he does. Beyond that...I can't say."

"...Thank you."

"Don't mention it. We've got a while 'til London, and then longer 'til Leadworth. Feel free to poke around my TARDIS to relieve the boredom. You might be surprised by what you find. Rose, you can go with them, but I'd appreciate the company."

"Of course."

As we left, we could hear Amy's voice echoing back through the TARDIS doors. That made three people who didn't care for the redecoration. Joke's on them; the Old Girl was stubborn. I doubted she'd change the desktop before we inevitably crashed again. Which worked just fine for me.

River and Simon were waiting for us. Lorna was still up on the table, unconscious again, and obviously not doing good at all. Made me wonder what was so important she had to see me as soon as possible.

Simon's voice crashed into my train of thought. "I don't know, River…going back there, even to stop it...I'm not sure it's the best idea."

"_It's a terrible idea. The worst. Unbelievably dangerous. Horrible. But I have to go."_

"Why?!"

"_Because there are others. Others like me. And someone has to save them."_

"Then let them do it!"

He pointed to me and Rose. "They do this sort of thing all the time! Let them save the others!"

River tilted her head. "_Save them? They're not going to save them. They're going to end them. Saving them...is my job."_

"...What."

I cleared my throat. "I think what she means is, we weren't planning on saving anyone. We're going to burn the whole place to the ground, no matter what. I couldn't care less who's inside when we do. If anyone there deserves saving, it's not up to me to do it. Doctor Song's already said she's coming, presumably to do just that. If your sister comes, she'll be with her. Away from most of the danger; saving people. That's all."

"...Alright. I understand; this is something she has to do. If the Captain agrees, she can go. I can't come; I have a patient. So you...you two take care of her."

"I make no promise; I swear no oath. But I'll do my best."

"And it's not two. It's three. More, if anyone else wants to come."

"_...Witcher…"_

Lorna was waking up.

Naturally, that flustered Simon. "She's supposed to still be under...I sedated her."

"I have found that women tend to do whatever they're not supposed to do, and damn the consequences. It's bloody amazing sometimes."

"_...Witcher...please…"_

"I'm here, Lorna. What is it?"

"_...Can…I stay?"_

"Stay where?"

"_...With...you…"_

"Whatever you wish. You'll have to get back on your feet first, and I'm pretty sure I heard Vastra and Jenny talking about offering you a place, but you're free to do what you want. Just don't go getting shot again, okay?"

"_O..kay."_

She slipped back into unconsciousness.

"Witcher, if you're going to make a habit of having me worry about my patients' health when you're around, I suggest we avoid that as much as possible."

"Fair enough. I'll move along."

"If I won't get in the way, can I stay and watch? Just for awhile."

"Of course. River, you going or staying?"

"_...I think I'll stay. For now."_

"Right. Think I'll go check on the Paternoster gang. Strax has probably gotten into an arm-wrestling competition by now, and I'd like to see if anyone can beat him aside from Doctor Song."

"She can do that?"

"You think she can't?"

"...Yeah, you're right."

"Thought so. I'll be back."

There was, indeed, an arm wrestling contest. But Strax wasn't one of the participants.

"_**C'mon Zoe!"**_

"**You can do it, boy!"**

Jenny and Zoe. Who would have guessed

I whispered. "How long have they been going at it?"

"_About seven minutes. Jayne bet his new launcher that his friend would win. Strax took the bet."_

"And how about you?"

"_I know Jenny. I've bet that the match will last exactly seven minutes, twenty-three seconds before…"_

There was a blur of motion, and Jenny's body was lying across the table, her hand being held down across her chest by Zoe's.

"_Well, that was unexpected. Right time, wrong winner."_

"Not bad, Miss Zoe."

"Same to you, Miss Flint."

"How'd you know I was gonna try and flip ya?"

"Cause that's the exact same hustle I used to pull for a little extra cash."

"Huh. Not that I'm objecting, mind, but could you let me up now?"

"_But I do so enjoy seeing you like this, Jenny. Makes a nice change of pace for you to be…"_

I coughed. "That's enough of that."

"_Very well."_

"**Your performance was inadequate, boy. We shall have to get you up to snuff for the next battle we are called upon for. Miss Zoe, your use of tactics and superior strength was a true honor to observe. I hope to meet you again on the field of battle, where we shall crush the life from our enemies together."**

"Hm, sounds like fun. I look forward to it."

"**As agreed, fair-looking, muscular girl, here are the scissor grenades of my bet. Take special care with them; they are outlawed in over seven planetary systems."**

"_**Aw hell yeah, potato man. I'm gonna take real good care of 'em. Real good care. Hey, lizard lady. Since you was half-right, I was thinking we just let your bet slide. Sound good?."**_

"_That's very kind of you, Mister Jayne."_

"_**I thought so."**_

"Do I even want to know what your bet was?

A voice tickled my ear. "Don't you know by now, Witcher? A lady never tells."

"Ah, Doctor Song. I was wondering where you'd run off to. My apologies, Madame Vastra."

"_Accepted."_

"As a peace offering, here's something I managed to dig up for you."

"_A sonic screwdriver? One of the Doctor's, I presume."_

"Nope. Brand new. Keep it close; it'll come in handy later."

"_I'll keep that in mind."_

A *ding* echoed through the room.

"Looks like London's coming up, people. Strax, Vastra, Jenny, grab your gear and pull out the brellies. My money's on heavy rain in old London-town tonight."

"_You speak as if from experience."_

"You might say that. Two minutes, people."

"Any idea where my parents might have wandered off too?"

"The last I saw of them, Amy was complaining quite loudly to her husband that she really didn't care for the layout of my TARDIS. With a good deal of emphasis on the loud."

"Well, then. Shall we join them?"

"After you. Wait, were you saying we should join them in the TARDIS, or that we should join them complaining about the TARDIS."

"Yes."

"...Is this because I didn't have a screwdriver for you, or just because you're having me on?"

"Yes."

"What I thought. Lead the way."


	28. Chapter 28

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:28

Landing a cloaked spaceship in Leadworth was infinitely easier once I remembered there was a convenient wheat field that had already been used for crop circles (well, from my point of view at least). Some of the _Serenity's _crew (hm, hm, Kaylee) had gotten it into their bonnet to go exploring, and as much fun as it would have been to see certain people even more hyped up on caffeine, it really wasn't a good idea to have anyone wandering around and discovering they were on Earth-That-Was. It had taken some fast-talking about inoculations and alien bacteria (not technically untrue) to knock the idea out of their heads. And Simon was more than helpful in pointing out the dangers of visiting alien worlds with unknown diseases.

The Pond's goodbyes to Song lasted for a fair amount of time, presumably with a good deal of crying and hugging. I can't say for sure; I didn't ask. Wasn't my place. When Song finally boarded the _Serenity, _I was relieved that no one mentioned the quite obvious red tinge to her eyes. She deserved at least some closure, considering what her life had been up until then. First time your parents meet you, and it's right after you're kidnapped from right in front of them. Time travel!

Still, it was time to go. And I had an answer to get from Captain Reynolds.

"Well, Captain. Where shall I drop you and your ship off?"

"About that...we're overdue to pick up a passenger from Pelorum. We were actually on our way there when that little devil cube broke loose. So, if you don't mind, I would greatly appreciate it if we could get there with all possible haste."

"Of course. And my answer?"

"...Fine. Whoever wants to can go. But as for me, I fully intend to take that nice little vacation on the beach."

"Understandable."

"I'll tell the crew where we're heading, and then about the job. Jayne'll go; he ain't overly fond of Pelorum. River, for sure. The doc, maybe, but I doubt it. And the others'll probably stay."

"As expected. Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

His coat flapped behind him as he left.

"You respect him. Trust him. Why?"

"Because, Song, there are some soldiers who never came home from their war. It's still going on for them, just with different stakes. For the Captain, the stakes are his crew. Each one is a part of him that he's lost: his humor, his joy, his heart, his compassion, his mind. And I don't think he could handle losing them again. So on he goes, always fighting, never resting. I guess...he just reminds me of someone I used to know."

"...Me too."

"...I'm sorry. I know how it feels, loving the stars themselves."

"...That's a nice way of putting it. Thank you. So, tell me more about this planet we're about to burn to the ground."

"Osiris. Named after the Egyptian god of the afterlife, ironically enough, considering what it's home to. Main hub is a place called Capital City, home to the galaxy's High Court. And a very nice medical school. Place is known for its blackout zones; places where the electricity is cycled off to conserve power for the upper class. Anyone caught in a blackout zone is automatically arrested, due to the impossibility of finding out whether or not they were actually engaged in criminal activity. And it would not surprise me in the least if the reason such a prominent world is running low on power is because of a set of state-sanctioned experiments I know for a fact would need a great deal of energy to work."

"Borusa?"

"Borusa. It's strange though; this isn't really his style. He was always more concerned with his own survival, no matter the cost. The fact he's switched to genetic experimentation...worries me."

"You think someone's pulling his strings?"

"Well, we'll just have to find out, won't we?"

"Won't we. I believe you promised the Captain a fast exit. Probably best if you follow through."

"Right. Talk to Jayne; he'll get you kitted up with whatever you need. Tell him it'll go on his paycheck."

"That should brighten his day."

"Just so. See you back on the TARDIS."

The Captain was entirely correct in his predictions. Turned out the passenger they were supposed to pick up was Inara (no surprise there), and most of the crew at least wanted to say hello. Kaylee, Shepherd, Zoe, and her kid were all planning to stay behind, and with Lorna still unconscious, Simon was staying as well. Jayne was more than willing to jump right back into a firefight (shocker), and River was, well, River, about it. That made five of us. More than enough to dismantle whatever nasty little plans Borusa had put in place during his time on Osiris. All I had to do now was come up with a plan.

Or, at least twelve percent of one.

Fortunately, I had an in.

"That...is a terrible in."

"If you have a better suggestion Song, I'm all ears. If not, this is what we're working with."

**_"I like it."_**

_"__Only because it leads to more shooting for you."_

**_"And your point is?"_**

"The point is, Jayne, that you can't let yourself get too trigger-happy. No shooting until Witcher says so. If we go too fast, Borusa will realize he's being played."

"Which is why you'll be the one going with him to slow him down. River and Song can handle the second and fourth parts of the plan, I'll take care of the first bit, and then you two can deal with the third part however you want. But only _after _the first and second parts are taken care of. Are we clear, Jayne?"

**_"Sure thing, boss."_**

"Good. Rose, I know you're a little out of practice when it comes to target-shooting. Try not to shoot Jayne on accident."

She twirled the Last Word in her right hand. "How 'bout on purpose?"

"Completely understandable if you do. I won't hold it against you."

**_"Hey!"_**

_"__Hey! Yourself. Well? Are we ready to go? Or not?"_

"Aside from any concerns I may have about relying on you to watch our backs with just a knife, we should be good."

_"__Doctor Song, I'll have you know that this is my favorite knife."_

"...Okay then. Jayne? Enough grenades?"

**_"Never! But I'll make do."_**

"Excellent. Rose?"

"Locked and loaded."

"Alright then. And for me, psychic paper, mask, and my tools. Check to all of the above. The _Serenity _is cleared for landing, the money's in all the right places, and we are ready to rock and roll. Aaaaaaaand…"

I threw the lever.

"Way down we go!"

_VWHOOOOOSH. VWHOOOOOSH. VWHOOOOOSH._

**_"S'that it? That ain't so bad."_**

"Far better than the Doctor's flying, I'll give you that."

"What can I say? I had a good teacher."

*Boo-weep* (The best).

"That's telling him, Old Girl."

"...Something tells me I'm gonna regret bringing all the snarkiest TARDIS conversationalists together."

"Now, whatever gave you that idea?"

"Hush you."

"Make me."

"Down girl. We've got a lot to get done before we can celebrate. This is your stop I believe, Witcher."

"And so it is. Doctor Song, you have the con."

"Oooooh, I do love a sailor."

"Shame I was never in the navy, then. Catch you on the Flip Side."

"Catch you, sweetie."

Capital City was about what I expected. Too many people, not enough distributed to the right people. Ayn Rand would've had a field day. And Isaac Asimov, come to think of it.

Not important. What was important, was the rather impressive skyscraper I was currently standing in front of. Operational headquarters of "the Academy", and Borusa's office to boot. Not exactly hard to find. Almost as if he was expecting visitors. Well, aside from the whole "parents-who-weren't-able-to-handle-their-gifted-children" kind.

I waltzed in.

The receptionist was about what you'd expect a receptionist to be. My psychic paper made quick work of whatever objections she might have had, and moved her directly to the "if there's literally anything I can do for you, I would love to do so" stage.

"Inform Headmaster Borusa that Theta-Sigma wishes to be announced. And that I come bearing news of the whereabouts of one...Koschei."

"I'm sorry sir, did you say 'Koschei'?"

"Yes. The headmaster will understand. I'll wait for his reply."

"Of course, sir. Feel free to make yourself comfortable."

Comfortable. I was standing in a place that was about as close to Gallifrey as I could get without actually entering the pocket universe it was currently in. Comfortable was _not_ in my vocabulary at the time.

"Sir? Headmaster Borusa wishes to speak with you as soon as possible. He is sending down his personal escort for your convenience."

"I am much obliged."

"My pleasure, sir."

Back to the waiting.

Ah, here they came. All dressed up in the uniform of Gallifreyan soldiers. Really, it was like they weren't even _trying _to hide.

Of course, I knew they weren't. This whole place just screamed "Trap for the Doctor!" as loud as it could. Shame the Doctor was only what they _thought _they had caught.

"Theta-Sigma?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"You will come with us."

"Of course, of course. When in Rome, and all that."

No reaction.

"No? Don't know that one? Er, how 'bout 'time and tide melt the snowman'? No? Not that one either?"

Still nothing.

"Blimey, you lot might as well be Weeping Angels for all the stone faces I'm getting."

"You will come with us."

"Fine, fine. Boring conversation anyway. Alright: take me to your leader. Always wanted to say that."

Needless to say, it was a rather dull elevator ride.

When we finally stepped out, it was into the penthouse suite. Sculptures, paintings, knick-knacks of every variety. All cheap knock-offs of the Gallifreyan variety, of course. It wasn't like you could get the real thing here.

"You will be searched."

"Yeah, already been through that, mate. Downstairs. Didn't they tell you?"

"...You will wait here."

"Of course, of course."

Waiting again. Bureaucrats were always like that. One minute it's, "Oh, my dear sir, you really must come by to take care of this form as soon as possible", and the next, it was "Oh, my dear sir, so sorry to keep you waiting for so long, but as it happens, I'm just finishing up for the day, I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

Infuriating.

But now, it was playing to my advantage. Every second spent here was one more second for Phases Two and Three to work with. Provided Jayne didn't do something stupid, that is.

"My dear Theta-Sigma."

I turned.

The man himself. Still wearing the same face as the last time I had seen him on-screen, to my slight surprise. Looked like the Time War hadn't been too unkind to him. More's the pity.

"I wish I could say this was both pleasant, and a surprise. But, unfortunately for you, it is neither. The materialization of your distinctive TARDIS, your psychic paper, and your general unkempt appearance all gave you away, I'm afraid."

"Yes, I rather expected that. Still, I'm here, and that's what matters."

"You are here to, what, exactly? Stop me? My dear Doctor, did you really think that Lord Rassilon would hang the fate of Gallifrey on merely one plan? You and the wayward Master may have prevented but one of his schemes, but rest assured, Gallifrey shall rise once more."

"Yeah, that's what everyone else thought too. Until Trenzalore, that is."

"...What."

"You know. Trenzalore. Planet with a giant Crack in Time and Space on it. Message broadcasted out to the entire galaxy. My grave. The final attempt of the Time Lords to return to our universe. Failed miserably, I'm glad to say."

"...No. No, I'm afraid you're quite mistaken Doctor. Even Trenzalore was not our final attempt."

"I beg your pardon?"

"There are yet more weapons left in Lord Rassilon's arsenal. More plans, more devices. Trenzalore was the last attempt for some measure of peaceful resolution, true. But now, it is Lord Rassilon pulling all of the strings once again."

"Yeah? And how's he pulling yours?"

"You forget, Doctor. I took his promise of immortality, fool that I was. I am tied now to his will, forever. I, and six others, who will watch as our Lord raises Gallifrey from its own ash. We are honored to be a part of this, his great restoration."

"Seven."

"What?"

"Seven others. You, plus the six others imprisoned in Rassilon's tomb. Eight faces, eight men."

"No, Doctor. There are but seven of us."

"Eight."

"Seven."

"Eight."

"SEVEN!"

"Blimey, no need to shout! I can't help it if your maths are off! What? What are you staring at?"

"...You don't know."

"Don't know...what?"

"You don't, do you? You don't know of the first?"

"I'm sorry, the who now?"

"Oh, oh, this is just too good! Our Lord's victory is truly assured now! There is an east wind coming, my dear Doctor. And you will be merely a kite, dancing in it's hurricane."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Oh, didn't I say? Forgive me. That was impolite of me. You promised me news of Koschei, of course. It is the only reason you were allowed to live this long; that, and the fact you idiotically came here without your usual sonic trickery. Tell me more of what you know, and your death will be a rather painless one, compared to the one that Rassilon has promised. Now, indulge me; what has your dear friend done now?"

"Well, first off, he's not a he anymore. He is, in fact, a she."

"How interesting! Do go on."

"Calls herself the Mistress now. Kinda like the way that sounds. Lets see, what else. Oh yes! She managed to get ahold of a Nether-sphere, not quite sure how. Hooked it up to a Cyber-conversion program. Made for a lot of zombie Cyber-men walking around, let me tell you. Took quite a while to sort out. And in the end, she was killed."

"The Master has been dead before."

"Yes. But this time, it was me that killed her. She should be staying dead this time, that is, if I have anything to say about it. And, I did."

"...You...killed the Master? You?"

"...Yes?"

"...Oh, I have been a fool. Well played. You had me going there for quite a good bit. Really? Walking in here with no weapons at all? Not your style at all. Threw me completely off, I'll freely admit. But now, I'm afraid the jig is up."

"...I'm sorry, I don't understand."

"Oh, don't you just...Koschei."

Well, that was unexpected. Time for a change in plans.

"Oh, very well done, my dear sir! Took you long enough. I mean, the intrusion alarm on your wristband has been blinking for the last three minutes, so that should have given you the first clue that I was stalling. But I'm afraid, I can only give you half credit for your answer. You managed to deduce that I am, in fact, not the Doctor. But you have completely failed in your deduction of my true identity. As a chance to make up the difference, I shall give you three guesses as to who I really am. Time's ticking, headmaster; guess away!"

"...Ushas?"

"While it wouldn't be the first time she's stolen the Doctor's TARDIS, I'm afraid that's quite incorrect. Guess again!"

"...Mortimus?"

"Seriously? In these clothes? Monks never have been, and never will be, cool. So...strike two! One more strike, and you're out!"

"..._Omega?"_

"Aaaaaaaaaand he's out! Thanks a lot for playing, 'The Weakest Link'! As your prize, you have now won both the destruction of everything you've built here, _aaaaaaaaaaand _my true identity! My dear Borusa, for the first time in your life, you have come face to face with..."

I activated my mask.

"...The Witcher!"

The elevator door behind me opened...

And flying out, came a pair of scissor grenades.

Very effective, scissor grenades are. No matter what else you can say on the subject, you do have to admit, it is very hard to regenerate when your body has been sliced in half horizontally, no matter how much of a Time Lord you are.

The six dead members of Borusa's personal escort seemed to agree with me on the subject. Borusa himself, however, did not.

He had taken the usually wise approach to scissor grenades; namely, jumping, as opposed to my ducking. It was entirely unfortunate for him that Jayne's aim was a little high. You could even say that two missing legs made it...doubly...unfortunate.

I'll stop now.

**_"Sorry, boss. Not used to grenades bouncing hard like that. I wonder what kind of trick shots I can pull off with 'em…"_**

"We'll find out later, Jayne. For now, we have someone to interrogate."

**_"Hell yeah."_**

"Sorry guys. Not much interrogating to do. Moron was more than happy to go on and on to what he thought was his old student."

**_"Awwwww, you just suck the fun right out of everything."_**

"Everything else taken care of, Witcher?"

"Well, judging by the fact the dear headmaster's wristband has stopped blinking, I'd say either our com-padres are dead (unlikely), or they've finally silenced the alarm. Took them long enough. Song likes her theatrics."

"Says the man who had his backup ride underneath an elevator up five hundred stories just to blow their way out."

"Fair point. Oh, watch out, he's regenerating."

Golden light began to seep from the headmaster's form.

"Jayne, my Colt, if you don't mind."

**_"Sure thing boss."_**

Just in time too. The glow encompassed the whole room, leaving us covering our eyes. When it finally faded, I was frankly shocked to see what new face Borusa had acquired.

"Hey Borusa. The TV adaptation of Pride and Prejudice called. They want their Mr. Collins back."

He struggled to his brand new feet. "You laugh, Witcher. But soon, Lord Rassilon will be the one laughing."

Transparent plates slid into place over every wall.

"While we had anticipated the Doctor, you and your companions will have to do. Gallifrey will welcome you with open arms, and you will wish for the embrace of Death instead."

"Jokes on you, I'm already dead inside. And I believe in this case, I will most certainly have the last laugh. Because, Borusa, you have forgotten two very important things."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Firstly…" I began to move to the window, "you have forgotten that while we are quite a good way up, I have a TARDIS with a swimming pool that is capable of landing perpendicularly on buildings."

"A minor inconvenience, considering you can't breach the window."

"True. But this is where the second thing comes in: you have forgotten the time."

"The time?"

"Yes, headmaster. The time. Tell me: do you happen to know what time it is?"

"...No?"

"Well then, let me enlighten you. Because, it is, in fact, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh….noon."

I drew the Colt.

And disintegrated the window in front of me.

"Huh. So that's what that does."

_"__...How?"_

"You'd have to ask Samuel Colt, I'm afraid."

"I shall right after I…" he raised his wrist "take care of you!"

BANG.

"Regenerate from that. Go ahead. Make my day."

"Witcher, his wristband…"

It was blinking again.

A panel slid open on the wall behind us. And behind that panel, was a quite familiar wiring layout, with the exact opposite center to what it should have been.

"No. No, he didn't. He wouldn't."

Of course, he had.

Where a white-point star had sat in the Master's design, was instead, a black one. Absolutely massive in size. And more than powerful enough to drag the entirety of this planet into Gallifrey's plane of existence.

"Bollocks. Go, go, go! Everyone out the window!"

As we jumped, I turned in mid-air. I had exactly one shot at this, or it was Judgment Day for all of us, River and Song in the TARDIS below included.

I lined up the Colt…

And pulled the trigger.

Then the world exploded in green.

"Bollocks."


	29. Chapter 29

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:29

"Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow...ow."

"Witcher...please tell me...you were expecting that."

"...I was expecting that."

"...You're lying."

"Yeeeeeppppp."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"_**...Boss?"**_

"Yeah Jayne?"

"_**...We dead?"**_

"...It's a possibility."

"_**...Boss, I hate to add to our troubles, but I don't think the good place has walls made a'wood."**_

I cracked one eye open. Whatever I was expecting, it certainly wasn't an old, run-down...barn?...with a giant hole in the floor. Oh, and a crying blonde in the corner.

"Ah. Um, excuse me, Miss? Hello?"

Obviously still in shock. Glowing portals opening right in front of people tended to produce that reaction. I tried again.

"Miss? Hello? Terribly sorry, but would you mind telling us, exactly, where we are?"

"_...Who...who are you?"_

"Well, that's a long story, but most people call me Witcher. The lovely lady I presume is behind me is Rose, and the intimidating fellow with the rather large weapons is Jayne. Now, who might you…"

A handgun filled my field of view.

"...Be."

She moved pretty fast for someone in obvious emotional distress.

"_WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S NEAL?"_

A second gun entered my vision, aimed at the now quite evidently hostile blonde.

"_**I'll do you one better: WHO is Neal?"**_

I couldn't resist.

"I'll do you one better: WHY is Neal?"

The Bittenbender Method.

"_...What?"_

Throws 'em off their rhythm every time.

"Never mind. Miss, I think I speak for all of us when I say we don't know anyone named 'Neal', in this world or any other. Why, may I ask, were you under the impression that we did?"

"_BECAUSE...Because...he...he fell through...and...and then…"_

"And then we…"

"_You. You have to know where he went. YOU HAVE TO!"_

Her gun was shaking quite badly now.

"...I'm afraid, miss, that we don't. But if you'll just, put down that gun, we would be more than glad to help you find out what happened to him."

"_**Would we?"**_

"Yes Jayne, we would."

"There. See?"

"_...How can I trust you for sure? For all I know, you're working with them."_

"Them?"

"_...Greg. Tamara. Whoever they're working for."_

Oh.

OH.

Oh bollocks.

I knew exactly where we were. And exactly at what time we had arrived. This was where it all changed. I would have to choose my words very carefully, otherwise we might very well do the equivalent of bringing down the hammer on the timeline.

"...I can assure you, Miss Swan, that neither I, nor my associates, would ever work for the same group as Greg and Tamara."

"_...How did you know my name? I didn't tell you."_

"Yeah, and how'd you know who this 'Greg' and 'Tamara' are, Witcher? And who their bosses are?"

"...I know your name, Miss Swan, the same way I know who you're ultimately fighting...I've fought them too. Them, and their Home Office. They've been trying to get to both you and Storybrooke for quite a while now, I'm afraid. And Fate has, apparently, decided it's best if we help you stop them. For good."

"_**We stoppin' **__**more**_ _**bad guys?"**_

"Afraid so, Jayne. At least, if you want any chance of all at getting home. Because I have a growing suspicion that the same people we've been discussing, the same people that opened the portal we just fell through, are now the only people in town with a way to send us back to where we came from. Am I right, Miss Swan?"

"_...Yes. The beans."_

"Ah-ha. So, since you obviously want both justice and answers, and we want a ride home...truce?"

"_...Truce. For now. I still don't trust you."_

"You'd be a fool if you did. Jayne, you can holster back up. I don't think the Sheriff is gonna be shooting us anytime soon."

"_**Aw, hell. She's the sheriff?"**_

"Afraid so. Looks like we're playing nice for awhile. I'll make it up in your paycheck."

"_**You'd better."**_

"Lead the way, Miss Swan."

* * *

Counting Regina lying on the bed, there were four worried faces all looking our direction upon our entry.

Charming moved first, obviously to determine both what had upset Miss Swan so, and whether or not protection was needed from the well-armed companions she had with her, i. e. us.

"What happened?"

He stopped when the head count caught up with him, and he realized exactly who was missing.

"What is it?"

By now even Snow had realized something had gone very wrong. "...Where's Neal?"

"_...He's gone. Tamara...shot him."_

And everything broke down after that.

Snow stayed by Regina's side, but I could see it was with great reluctance. Whether that was due to a desire to comfort her daughter, or question us, I couldn't say. Charming instantly switched gears to "protective dad", leaving the job of interrogation to the only person in the room I really didn't care for.

"Greetings. My name is…"

"Mother Superior, yes I know. Or the Blue Fairy, if we're being technical."

"...You seem to know me, but I'm afraid I'm at a loss as to who you are."

"Understandable. I'm not from around here, you might say. Name's the Witcher."

"Rose. Rose Tyler."

"_**Jayne Cobb."**_

"A pleasure to meet all of you. If I might ask, how are you acquainted with both of my names? It isn't everyday we get visitors in Storybrooke, after all, and I thought I was acquainted with all that knew the truth of the town."

As I opened my mouth to reply, Regina's voice cut through all discussion.

"Where are they? Where are Greg and Tamara?"

Charming cleared his throat. "...They got away."

"So they still have it."

If it was possible, Snow looked even more worried. "Still have what?"

"The trigger."

Everyone in the room turned to look at me.

"A trigger?"

Regina answered. "That will destroy Storybrooke."

"Well, not exactly destroy it, so much as rip it from time and space and hurl it through the void back to where it came from, which I guess would technically destroy it, but…"

"Witcher, not. Helping."

"Right. Sorry. Continue."

Snow picked up the conversation again. "Why, exactly, were you carrying it around?"

Charming spoke up. "She was going to destroy us, Mary Margaret."

Regina nodded. "I was going to use the beans to take Henry back to the Enchanted Forest."

"And in the process, kill all of us!"

Regina swung right back. "You wanna discuss justification? You were going to abandon me! Or shall we discuss the more pressing issue, which is that I no longer control the trigger!"

"This trigger…" I interjected, "by any chance would it happen to look like a rather large, black diamond?"

"...How did you…"

"I'll take that as a yes, then."

"Witcher, that's.."

"The same thing that got us all stuck here in the first place, yes. A black-point hole. If I hadn't managed to destroy it, we, and the entire world we were on, would have been dragged straight to Hell. And you can imagine how that would have gone."

"_**Boss, if these guys is fixing to do the same thing as that Borusa fella, does that mean…"**_

"That the entirety of Storybrooke will be sucked through the Void, a place where nothing good can survive, straight into the hands of demons? Yes, yes I rather think it does."

"No. No, that can't be right."

'Believe me, your Evil Queenness, it is. That trigger is the physical manifestation of the forces necessary to anchor this place in an alternate reality. Release them, and this town will be dragged back to where it was originally brought from. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for one thing: this place isn't originally from the Enchanted Forest either. If it was, magic would have come with it. That, plus the diamond itself, and the fact that this town is one second out of sync with the rest of reality, tells me all I need to know about where this town originally came from...Gallifrey."

"Is that in Ireland?"

I sighed. "No, Charming. It's not. It's in Hell."

"_**Like, actual Hell?"**_

"Yes Jayne. Literal, actual Hell. And a journey there is something no-one can survive."

Well, aside from a certain group of hunters in Kansas, but that was besides the point.

"_Right. How do we stop it?"_

I smiled. "Well, you _are_ the sheriff here, Miss Swan. You tell us."

"_...Gold..we need to tell Gold..and Henry."_

"Capital. Keep going."

"_Mother Superior...see what you can do about…"_

"Of course."

As Blue floated by, I barely caught her whisper. "Don't think I've forgotten, Witcher. I still want to know _all _about you."

I whispered back. "As entertaining as that sounds, I'm afraid we have neither the time, nor the tea. Perhaps later; if we all survive."

"Yes. Later."

"_And as for you three…"_

"At your service, Miss Swan."

"_I still don't trust you, Witcher. I'm not letting you out of my sight. But I need someone to stay with Regina and make sure Greg and Tamara don't come back to finish the job."_

"Yes, I think that would be the best for all of us." the bed-ridden Mayor snarked.

"_Hush Regina. Rose, would you and Jayne stay here? And if anyone that's not us shows up…"_

"_**I can kill 'em?"**_

"No, Jayne. We need to interrogate _someone. _Shoot to disable, not kill."

"_**That works too. So long as I'm the one doing the grilling."**_

"Are there any objections to the absolute unit working over either Greg or Tamara if they're stupid enough to show up?"

"Go for it."

"_...Do what you have to."_

"That's a yes, Jayne."

"_**Awesome."**_

"_Witcher, you're coming with David, Mary Margaret, and me. We're going to get Henry first, and then Gold."_

"As the lady commands. Just let me tell Rose something in private, and then we'll be on our way."

"_Go ahead."_

I pulled Rose aside.

"Witcher, what…"

"Shh. I don't have much time. Just trust me when I say it's vitally important you get Regina to trust you. She feels and understands more than she lets on. Try and stay on her good side; we're gonna need her later."

"Do you know what's going to happen?"

"More or less."

"...Okay then."

"Perfect. Catch you on the Flip Side."

She pulled me into a hug.

"Catch you."

"_Witcher…"_

"I'm coming. Alright; Let's rock and roll."

* * *

The conversation in the car was, predictably, stilted.

"_So… what'd you say to Rose?"_

"Nothing much. Just to stay on Regina's good side; well, that and keep Jayne from getting on her bad one. He can be quite...blunt."

"_Yeah, got that."_

"Where are you folks from, anyway?"

"David! That's rude!"

"What? We need to know, Mary Margaret."

"You still can't just ask people like that."

"_Oh yes we can."_

"We're the sheriffs, it's our job to ask."

"Is that why you wanted him along? To grill him where he has no option but to answer?"

"_Yes."_

"Why…"

"It's alright, Miss Snow. I quite understand. If anyone dropped out of the sky in front of me back home, I'd probably be doing more than just asking questions."

"And where is home, exactly?"

"Oh, quite a long way from here I imagine. Another world, much like your Enchanted Forest. But not attached in a way such that magical portals allow travel between them."

"Is there magic there?"

"Of a sort. More highly-developed science, than anything else. But magic like you have here? No, no I'm afraid not."

"Then how do you know so much about how magic works here? How did you know who we all were, both here and in the Enchanted Forest?"

"...You have to understand something first: where I come from, my people...we're the scientific equivalent of magic-users. Time Lords, we were called. It was our job to watch over reality, and ensure that no-one meddled too much. Once we traveled between worlds as easily as you can here; we saw things you would never believe. Stories like yours, we took special interest in, to keep things from ever getting out of hand."

"Out of hand? What do you call this?"

"David!"

"It's fine, Miss Snow. He's right: things are very bad, here, and throughout reality. And that is for one very simple reason: my people, the Time Lords...they're gone. All of them. Well, except for me and a few others."

"Oh...oh I'm...so sorry. What happened?"

"A war. The greatest war the universe ever saw. One which I couldn't fight in; not as I wished. And in the end, both sides wiped each other out."

Charming continued the train of thought. "...And there's not enough of you left to keep things together."

"Pretty much. But the chances of someone like me, who knows practically everything there is to know about this specific world, coming here by accident, unharmed, through an exploding portal? They're astronomical. Things like that have been happening a lot lately. Which leads me to believe someone more powerful than any of us has decided to step in and lend a hand. And that is a comforting thought."

"_Doesn't help like that usually come with a price?"_

"Yes. And I have a pretty good idea of what it will be. Until then, I'll keep doing my job."

"And don't forget: you have friends to help you. Rose, and Jayne."

"Yes. Well-paid friends, but friends nonetheless."

"_So, you're both rich, and a Lord of Time? What do we call you: Your Worshipfulness?"_

"Ha, ha. Nice Han Solo quote. But no. I'm no Lord here. Here, I'm just the Witcher."

"_So you know Star Wars. What else do you know?"_

We spent the rest of the ride discussing similarities and differences between the Doctor's universe, the Enchanted Forest, and Storybrooke. I never mentioned Pete's World, or Rose's story. That wasn't mine to tell.

Oh, and it turns out Miss Swan really liked Cat Stevens. Go figure.


	30. Chapter 30

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:30

It was a nice park.

Swingset, seaside view, and an old wolf standing guard with a crossbow.

Excellent place to relax.

Henry, of course, was on the swing. And standing off to the side, watching, was the most dangerous person in Storybrooke. Well, if you don't count me that is.

"Gold? What are you doing here?"

I, of course, knew exactly what Rumpelstiltskin was doing.

"_Well, my son made it clear I'm to stay away from him, so I'm spending some time with my grandson instead."_

But I wasn't about to let anyone else know he had just been contemplating the murder of said grandson.

I could hear Snow behind us. "Emma, it's okay. Why don't you talk to Henry, and we'll handle this."

Emma passed us by, obviously to do just that. I tuned out the ensuing conversation. This one was infinitely more important.

"Mr. Gold, we have some news to share with you. And it's not good."

"_Not. Interested."_

"It's about your son."

"_Yeah? What about him?"_

"...Tamara shot him."

"_...What? He's...dead?"_

"They used a bean to open a portal. Neal was hurt badly, and he...fell through. He's gone."

"_...Bae wasn't supposed to die."_

"Greg and Tamara, they took something from Regina. A magical trigger. A failsafe in the curse that would, supposedly, wipe Storybrooke right off the map."

Snow cut in. "If they activate it, it's a self-destruct. Everyone not born in this world will be sent straight to Hell."

"I know this is hard, but we need your help."

"_...No."_

"They killed your son in cold blood, and you don't want to stop them?"

"_They didn't kill my son. I did. I brought magic to this world to find Bae, and now he's dead. Magic always has a price, and this...this is it. But I'm prepared to pay it."_

"But...we'll die! You'll die!"

"_...Well, I've made my peace with that."_

And off he walked, looking for all the world like the old man he was.

"David! Do something!"

Charming looked just as lost as Snow. He was in no shape to convince Gold of anything. But to be on the safe side, I thought it best to avoid any more confrontation.

"I'll handle it. You stay with Miss Swan and Henry. Don't leave without me."

And I strode off after Gold, leaving no time for objections.

"_...I thought I knew everyone in this town. Seems I've missed one pathetic lifeform."_

"Actually, you haven't. New around here. I just make it my business to fight people like Greg and Tamara, whatever world they may be from."

"_So you're not from this world either. Tell me, Mr…"_

"Witcher."

"_Mr. Witcher. I take it you're the one who informed the Charmings exactly what activating that trigger does."_

"Well, you know, considering not only where it's from, but what it takes to make it, I thought it best."

"_If you know what a black diamond truly does, then there is only one thing you yourself can be. Time Lord."_

"...Doesn't surprise me in the least that you figured that out. How much do you know?"

"_Enough. Enough to know you consider yourself above all that happens to reality itself around you, and that you would never interfere, unless absolutely necessary. Which leads me to suspect that events are about to take place such that even the Time Lords wish to avoid the return of their lost locality."_

"Fraid not, Gold. I'm what you call a renegade. And I do nothing _but _interfere. I'm just here to make sure Greg and Tamara get what's coming to them after it's all over. Things are in motion now that cannot be undone, neither by you or by me. You've made the right call to let come what may. Go home. Make your peace. And if you see the devil before I do, give him my regards. Catch you on the Flip Side."

He nodded in acknowledgement, and turned back to face the ocean. I left him standing there in contemplation.

I had deliberately left out the bits about Rose and Jayne. It was better to let Gold think I was here by myself, and for a reason (for now, at least). Gold loved his levers, and the less he had the better. The fact that he knew about Time Lords was worrying, but that was something to deal with later. For now, the important thing was to make sure we got our ride home.

I made my way back to the group. Five people, in one car. This was gonna be fun.

* * *

It was not fun.

Thankfully, Storybrooke was a small town. I don't know if I could have stood it if Henry had asked one more question about why Gold wouldn't come. All I can say is thank Gallifrey I had shotgun, or I might have been tempted to use one.

Regina was up and walking around by the time we got back. Jayne was posted up at the window, just itching for someone on the street to do something bullet-worthy. And Rose was seated at the table, obviously watching all other entrances. She learned quickly.

"Henry!"

"Mom!"

Their hug was interrupted by the ground doing a rather good impression of the Wipeout.

"_Regina, was that…"_

"Yes. The diamond was activated."

"So, we're all gonna die?"

"You were born here, so...you'll live."

"But...I'll be alone."

"...I'm so sorry, Henry."

"_It's not gonna happen. I'm not gonna let it. You did this; now make it stop."_

"I can't, there's no way."

"_WELL, FIGURE IT OUT! IT'S YOUR FAULT!"_

I whistled shrilly. "Will you all just _stop_. It doesn't matter whose fault this is; what matters, is we're all in the same boat now. And I, for one, don't plan on going down with the ship. SO WORK TOGETHER ALREADY!"

"And you lot ought to know by now it's always a good idea to listen to the tall, dark, and handsome one."

I just barely managed to catch Charming's fist before it hit Hook's face. I was not, however, fast enough to stop Jayne from grabbing his hair and holding a knife to his throat, or Rose from pointing the Last Word directly at his head.

"_**Please tell me this is Greg. You've no idea how bored I am, and a little carving oughta take care a'that quite nicely."**_

"Unfortunately, that is not Greg. It is, however, someone I am more than comfortable with you causing great bodily harm to if he tries anything. Am I clear, Captain Hook?"

"Quite clear, tall, dark, and handsome. I will, however, point out that threatening to kill me seems a bit redundant when we're all about to die anyway."

"_No thanks to you. Regina told us you were working with Tamara to get your revenge."_

"Well that was before they told me I had to die to get it."

"_We don't have time for this. We have a real problem."_

"Which is why I'm here. 'Cause staring staring death in the face has made me realize that if there's one thing I want more than my revenge, it's my life. So should we stop this thing now, and _then _resume bickering?"

"There is no stopping it. And the best I can do is slow it down, but that...will only delay the inevitable."

A clap from my hands. "Any delay is a good delay. I have a plan. Well, half of one."

"_Please, we're all ears."_

"Steal back the beans, and then use them to send everyone back to where they belong; the Enchanted Forest for you lot, and home for us."

"_How? We don't even know where Greg and Tamara are."_

"No, but I'll wager the good Captain does."

Jayne's grip tightened. "_**And he'll be more than happy to tell us, ain't that right pretty boy?"**_

"It would be my pleasure to help, of course."

"_Help yourself. You'll take them, and leave us all behind. Why should we trust you?"_

"We won't have to. Charming, you and Jayne go with him. And if he tries anything, shoot him."

"Quite hostile, aren't we?"

"Hostile would have been me specifying exactly where to shoot you."

"_Regina and I should go slow down the diamond, give you guys time. Mary Margaret, you take Henry and make sure everyone's ready to go once we have those beans."_

"And what did you have in mind for Rose and I, Miss Swan?"

Surprisingly, it was Regina who cut in. "Miss Tyler is coming with us. You're free to do whatever you like; no skin off my nose."

"_He's coming with us. If he knows about black-point whatevers, maybe he can find a way to shut it off."_

"I'll do my best, Sheriff."

"_I'm sure."_

Regina moved to stand in front of Henry. "Henry, before you go...I'm sorry for what's happened. I tried to be the person you wanted me to be...and I failed. But I won't let you be alone. You just, know that I love you."

"I love you too."

Really, what was it with all the hugging around here?

Hook watched sadly. "The things we do for our children."

I caught the flicker in Rose's eyes as he said it. I held my breath until it passed; then let it out slowly. We really didn't need that right now. Thank Gallifrey for small miracles.

"Jayne, the orders about shooting still hold. Disable, don't kill. If you have to make a choice, go for the girl. Wring all the information you can out of whoever you get. Then kill them."

"_**Will do boss."**_

"What? No, no killing!"

"With all due respect, Miss Snow, this isn't your kingdom anymore. And practically everyone in this room outranks you, both in experience and legality. So when I give an order to the man _I _am paying, you'd do well not to question it. Savvy?"

"_She savvies. Let's go."_

* * *

It was thankfully a short walk down to the mines. Regina and Emma led the way, with Rose and I bringing up behind. Not that we needed to follow. I could practically feel the wrongness in the air, in Time itself, and I was sure Rose could too.

It wasn't long before She brought up what I had been expecting Her to.

"So, when you told me to get close to Regina, I wasn't expecting to try and make friends with the Evil Queen."

"There's more to her than just that."

"Yes. I gathered. She lost her love. Thanks to Snow White. They didn't put any of that in any fairy-tales I ever heard."

"Different world; different stories. Everything here is a good deal more interconnected; Pixar Theory has nothing on Storybrooke."

"So, I know Regina and the Charmings, Hook, the Blue Fairy who I assume is the one from Pinocchio, and, apparently, Rumplestiltskin. Who else is here?"

"Now? Pinocchio himself, the seven dwarves, Red Riding Hood and her granny (who, incidentally, are both werewolves), Cinderella, Jiminy Cricket, and Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Oh, and Rumplestiltskin is both the Beast from that story, as well as the Crocodile from Captain Hook's. So many stories; where the heroes of one end up being the villains of another. Not everyone in this town is as black and white as they're made out to be back home; even someone with the last name of White can do some dark things."

"What about Sleeping Beauty? Aladdin? The Little Mermaid?"

"All in other worlds. For now. And we should probably do our best to leave before they show up."

"Why? What could be worse than a town getting dragged to Hell?"

"Name it, and eventually, it'll happen here. It's in the nature of this place; bridges between worlds attract as much weirdness as you can imagine. And this town bridges so many different realities that Murphy's Law might as well have been written here."

"Gotcha. Does that have anything to do with why we ended up here when that diamond exploded?"

"Probably. It is a Thursday."

"You don't look like Arthur Dent to me."

"You'd be surprised."

We were interrupted by the two up ahead.

"_I can feel it. Like the oxygen's being sucked out of the air."_

Regina clarified. "Not the air. The magic."

"Well, the reaction has to be powered by _something. _Did you think they were just gonna hook up a car battery to activate it? No; a dwarf's axe is what they used. It draws on the magic around it to break anything in the known universe. No matter how much it takes. And it has already taken quite a bit; I can feel the tendrils that anchor Storybrooke to reality slipping."

"_So we can feel the cause, and you can see the effect. Huh. Time Lord's more than just a title then."_

"You could say that."

We came around a bend in the tunnel, and…

"There it is. Once it stops glowing, all locks are broken. And then...well, then the real carnage begins. I'll try to contain its energy as long as I can."

"_We won't be long. We'll have the beans soon. Then we can get the hell out of here."_

"Slowing the device...it's going to require...all of the strength I have."

"_...You're not coming with us, are you. When you said goodbye to Henry, you were...saying goodbye."_

"...He knows I love him, doesn't he?"

"_Regina, no! There's gotta be another way!"_

"You were right, you know. Everything that's happening, it's my fault. I created this diamond. It's only fitting it takes my life."

"_...What am I supposed to tell Henry."_

"...Tell him that in the end, it wasn't too late for me to do the right thing."

"_Regina, please…"_

"Everyone looks at me as the Evil Queen. Including my son. Let me die as Regina."

"No."

Everyone turned.

"No one else will die today. I can help you stall it. We can't reverse it, but we can pause it. You depriving it of the magic it needs, Me diverting the force away from the anchors. That should buy us more than enough time to get the beans, and then get out."

"Rose…"

"No Witcher. Let me have this."

"All I was gonna say was...good luck. I have an idea on how to stop the thing completely; just hold on until I get back. Okay?"

"...Okay. Catch you on the Flip Side."

I smiled. "Catch you. Come along, sheriff. We have a certain scurvy scallywag to find."

"_Regina, are you gonna be okay?"_

"...I'll manage. Go. Find a way to stop this."

As we left, I glanced back. Both Rose and Regina had their hands over the diamond, energy crackling between their fingers. And my eyes caught a mouthed "Thank you"; from an Evil Queen, to a Bad Wolf.

Now, to make sure everything else played out in an acceptable manner.

* * *

"_So, Rose is a Time Lord too."_

"Time Lady. Some of us can afford the upgrade."

"_Sounds about right. Any idea why Regina was so keen on having her come along?"_

"Nope. Nuh-uh. No idea. Beyond the fact they both had similar experiences where something magical was dropped in their laps to escape the dreary world they lived in, and eventually saw justice done to the people that had wronged them? Haven't the foggiest."

"_What Regina did to my parents wasn't justice."_

"Wasn't it? She offered your mother so many other options, so many other ways of settling their differences. It was your mother who chose war. The only truly evil thing the Evil Queen has ever done was punishing the entire kingdom instead of just your parents."

"_But Regina…"_

"Yes. Regina. Not the Evil Queen. Not entirely. Remember that; it's gonna come up a lot."

The door to Granny's swung open. In waltzed Hook, Charming, and Jayne, carrying...a body.

Tamara's body.

"_**You was right boss. Meaning only to harm or seriously injure got us plenty."**_

I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

Charming held up a bag, stuffed full of magic beans. "These, for instance."

"_...David, why did you decide to bring a dead body here, of all places?"_

"_**Well, you see, it was like this. I shot her in the leg first, okay? She went down. Turned around to help these two numbskulls. Turned back, and she was off sprinting like a wild horse, with this weird glow coming off her."**_

Oh bollocks.

"_**Emptied the rest of my gun into her, she went down again. Waltzed over, and she started sparking like mad. Thought it best to stop that, so...I brained her. And I ain't getting paid enough to question self-healing chicks that set themselves on fire. Sorry boss."**_

I swallowed. "That's...alright, Jayne. I understand. I'll handle it from here. Set her down."

"_Witcher, what are you…"_

My fingers touched Tamara's temples, and down I went.

Flashes of conversation flashed by me.

"_...we have faith in the sacredness of our cause…"_

I dove deeper. If it was gonna be anywhere, it was gonna be…

There.

Walls, thick ones. Medieval. Unbreakable without shattering her mind in the process. And flying from every tower…

A very familiar cross.

I yanked back out of her mind.

A glint on her jacket caught my eye. A pin.

A pin with the exact same cross.

"Bollocks."

Tamara's eyes flew open.

"Double bollocks."

Her eyes met mine…

And she screamed.

She began stumbling backwards, screaming incoherently all the while, doing her best to make herself a smaller target. People scrambled out of her way as she backed out of Granny's back door. Naturally, I followed. As did practically everyone else of note.

Finally, she gave up, and curled in on herself on the pavement.

"Please…"

The first coherent word she had said yet.

"Please...please no...you already killed my family...I'll do anything...please just let me live."

"You know I can't do that, Tamara. You've hurt people; killed people. All in the name of a dead cause. I should know; I killed it myself."

"Please," she sobbed, "...have mercy."

"Mercy? Mercy like you showed Neal? Like you showed Regina? Like you showed all the others? Mercy?"

I drew the Colt.

"There is no mercy."

_***BANG***_

"...Everyone back in Granny's. I need a new plan."

They all stood staring at me.

I roared. "NOW!"

They moved.

"_**Jees, boss. What'd you do to make her that scared of you?"**_

"...I killed each and every single thing she ever held dear. And I laughed as I did it."

"_**...Alright then."**_

It was a new sensation; that many people, all looking at me with the exact same expression on their face:

Terror.

If this is how the Master felt all the time, I could understand him a little bit better.

"_Did...did you have to do that?"_

"Yes."

"_...Why?"_

"Because if I hadn't, if I had let her regain her composure, she would have tried to kill me. And called who knows who else to help her do it. Your town would have been wiped off the map, diamond or no diamond."

"_...Okay."_

"No! No! I will not let this stand! You have just murdered a woman right in front of everyone, and have shown _no _remorse about it. David, arrest him!"

"I thought I made it quite clear exactly where your standing was with me, Miss Snow. Apparently I did not. He can't arrest me; and you certainly can't order him to do it."

"Yes I can!"

"NO YOU CAN'T! THERE ARE MORE WORLDS OUT THERE THAN JUST YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE FOREST! THERE ARE ENTIRE CIVILIZATIONS BURNING AT THIS VERY MOMENT! JUST STANDING HERE, I CAN FEEL TIME SHIVER AS THEY DIE! YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THEM! A SPECK! A LEAF ON THE WIND! POOF, AND YOU'RE GONE! AND MY JOB IS TO ENSURE THAT SPECKS LIKE YOU AREN'T WIPED FROM EXISTENCE FOR YOUR ARROGANCE! THAT WOMAN? SHE WOULD HAVE SEEN EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN BURN, BASED ON NOTHING BUT PRINCIPLE! IF I COULD FEEL HATE, SELF-RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND HER WOULD BE THE ONES FOR IT! AND NOW, BECAUSE OF HER, I HAVE TO COME UP WITH AN ENTIRELY NEW PLAN THAT DOESN'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION OF DESTROYING THIS TOWN FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! AM I CLEAR?"

Silence.

"Good."

"_...What was the plan?"_

"Oh, you know, take one of the beans, shove the diamond through it, have Rose and I stabilize the reaction. But of course they thought of that; open a portal, and it will rip right through any remaining anchors and set Storybrooke adrift in the Void. So if anyone has any ideas _not _involving that, I'm all ears. Come find me when you have one; I'm headed back to Rose and Regina. Maybe they'll have the sense to understand why mercy is a luxury."

"_..We're coming with you."_

"Fine. But I'm not putting up with any more self-righteous speeches. Understand?"

"_We understand. Don't we?"_

Snow dropped her head. "..Yes."

I turned to Hook. "What about you, handsome? Coming or staying?"

"...I believe it would be best if I returned to my ship. A captain should always go down with it."

"Agreed. Take care."

"And you as well."

Things were properly bollocksed up now. Even if I returned things back to the original ending, with Emma and Regina pulling all magic from the diamond, it still wouldn't give her the emotional opening to her parents, or provide the people here with a reason to follow her. Because it would be my plan. And I did not want to be stuck leading the proverbial Israelites through the desert.

All because I got greedy, and wanted to keep the diamond for myself. It was simple, really; throw the diamond through a portal directly back to where we came from, and then use one of the beans later to come back ourselves. Voila! Free emergency portal to Gallifrey.

Make your own Fate, indeed.

'Damn my foolish eyes," as the song goes.

Time to make like the Doctor, and fix it.


	31. Chapter 31

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:31 

I had originally just wanted to let things play out as they had the first time around. I knew everything would work out fine in the end (well, relatively), and I had no desire to mess anything up.

And then I remembered how little we knew of Tamara's motivations. Greg, everyone knew, wanted vengeance for his father. But the girl? Not once did I ever hear a peep about where she came from. And I let my curiosity get the better of me.

I let Jayne go with Charming and Hook specifically to see if he could not only get ahold of more than just the one original bean, but if he could twist some answers out of one of the few people whose death I wished had taken longer.

The last thing I expected was to find out she was a Templar.

Much less one modified in exactly the same way I had seen before.

Just my luck that the world Storybrooke ended up attaching to was Pete's World. Must have been the natural magic of the realm that drew it; not a lot, but enough.

And now things were infinitely more complicated.

Once again I cursed my past self. Yes, trying to send the diamond to the Doctor's world was a risky gambit. But leaving it around here in Storybrooke, in the hands of Regina, was an infinitely worse idea. At least on board the TARDIS it would have been somewhat harder to find. But I had chosen the wrong course, and now I not only had to worry about disposing of the thing in some other way, I also had to worry about just letting Greg waltz off to Neverland with Henry. Because that was no longer an option. Not without getting whatever I could out of him about the connection between the Templars and the Home Office.

_"Who was she working for?" _

I was amazed it took her that long to ask.

"Group called the Templars. Haters of both magic and free will. They've been around since medieval times; hunting whatever they deemed unholy. There used to be a group that fought them; the Assassins. But the Templars locked them all away, and experimented on them. I found out. And turned them all to ash. Or so I thought. Apparently, I missed a group."

_"...Does Greg have anything to do with them?" _

"...I don't know. Not for sure. But I intend to find out."

_"..Back there, before you...shot her, did you...read her mind?" _

"Something like that."

_"And that doesn't make you like them? Violating free will?" _

"Yep. The only difference is I already know I'm going to Hell for it; they've convinced themselves it's for the Greater Good, and therefore points to get into Heaven. And that makes them dangerous."

_"Understood." _

"I have a question."

"Very well. But just the one, Charming."

"We know Hell is real; you've told us that. But does the same hold true for Heaven?"

"Yes. Never been there myself, but I know of a few that went and came back."

"Why would you ever want to leave Paradise?"

"You'd be surprised, Miss Snow. Angels aren't entirely merciful, either. And they have plenty of darkness in themselves as well. Where else would the Devil have come from?"

_"He's real too?" _

"Very much so. In fact, it was indirectly thanks to him I managed to get away with as much as I did when I ended the Templars."

_"Thankful for the Devil. That's a new one." _

"Not thankful. More just...sympathetic. We're here."

The entrance to the mines.

"Jayne, I've got another job for you, if you want it."

**_"So long as there's no more glowing chicks, I'm your guy."_**

"Unknown whether there'll be more glow-ers or not. Which is why I'm lending you this."

I handed him the Colt.

"Should kill even the fastest of self-healers in a flash. And if it worked on the girl, you can bet it'll work on the other one. No more wounding; we're shooting to kill now."

**_"Good. What do I have to do?"_**

"The docks. If he tries to escape, it'll be over water. Wait for him. If he has a hostage, leave him be. But if he activates a portal, and jumps in with said hostage, light him up. He cannot be allowed to leave alive. Understand?"

**_"Gotcha."_**

He took the gun.

**_"I'm sure you'll think something up so we don't die. If you didn't, Mal would kill you."_**

"Don't I know it. Now go."

We watched him lope off in the direction of the harbor, then turned down the path to where Rose and Regina were waiting.

_ "...You really think Greg would take a hostage?" _

"You think he wouldn't? Templars have very little in the way of morals, Miss Swan. And they're usually two steps ahead of their competition; hence why I'm fairly certain your father did not, in fact, retrieve all of the beans."

_"Where could he go that would be so bad you'd risk hitting an innocent person to keep him from getting there alive?" _

"You name it. Gallifrey, Hades, Wonderland, Neverland, the Nightmare Dimension, each one with things more than willing to help the Templars kill a Time Lord. Which would end up being even more people trying to destroy this town; and that's something we can all agree we don't need."

_"Fair point. Have you got any ideas on how to stop this particular attempted destruction?" _

"Several. But whether or not they'll work is another matter entirely."

_"Cause I have one." _

"Let's hear it."

_"Use two beans. One for everyone to escape, and then another for someone to drop the diamond through when we're all clear." _

"Ah-ha. And who, exactly, would you have stay behind as the sacrifice?"

_"Regina." _

"Emma!"

_"What? She was prepared to do it before, until Rose offered to help pause the thing to give us more time." _

"My mom...was going to kill herself...and you were just going to let her?"

_"Henry…" _

"No! We're family! We don't just leave each other behind!"

_"I know, kid. I know. We'll find another way; I was just suggesting it." _

"Well don't suggest it again."

The rest of the trip down was quiet after that.

Power was still surging off the diamond as we came around the corner, noticeably brighter than the last time I'd seen it. The strain of controlling it was quite evident on both Regina's and Rose's faces. It wouldn't be much longer before the countdown resumed. Emma and I could swap out for the two of them, but it still wasn't a permanent solution. We'd have to come up with something else.

If all else failed, I would suggest the original ending. But not until Emma had called her parents "Mom" and "Dad". That was very important. For both her, and the story.

"Please tell me your plan is ready to go, because neither of us is going to be able to hold this for much longer."

"...Yes and no."

"What does that mean?"

"Witcher? What is it?" 

"...Yes, my plan is ready to go. No, we can't use it, because all of us underestimated Greg and Tamara. If we were to do what I had wanted, which was toss the diamond through a bean portal and let it detonate in the Void, it would rip what remains of Storybrooke's anchors to shreds, leaving us floating in the Void as well. Not Hell, but close to it. And we'd still all die."

"So activate two portals. Get out through the first one, and leave me here to activate the second for the diamond."

_"No. We can't. Henry made it quite clear; whatever else, we're family. We're not leaving you behind. We'll find another way." _

"We could switch back and forth. Witcher, you take over for me, and Emma for Regina."

"We could, but it wouldn't be worth the cost. The diamond is drawing in magic faster than it can be absorbed by any of us. We can switch back and forth all we like, but in the end, we'd overload, and the magic would kill us. And every second we bought would render Storybrooke just that little bit less magical, with that less of a chance to find something to stop this. I'm sorry."

"...I know." 

"...It won't be long now."

And there went Emma; embracing both of her parents. _"Mom...Dad…" _

I couldn't wait any more.

"Alright. Looks like we're going with option B."

Snow's face scrunched in confusion. "What's option B? And why didn't you tell us about it before?"

"Option B is where Emma, Regina, Rose and I simultaneously overload and starve the reaction. And the reason I didn't tell you before, is there are three outcomes: the excess power is released harmlessly, knocking everyone out; the power gets funneled into Rose and I, probably causing us to regenerate, which is something none of you should be around for; or worse case, Emma and Regina both die."

Cries of protestation from three separate Charmings were quickly cut short by...

_"I'll do it. If there's even the slightest chance it'll save my family, I'll do it. Better we die trying to do the right thing, than succeed in doing the wrong." _

"...If there are no more objections, then?"

Slow head-shaking from everyone not crying their eyes out.

"...Alright. Let's do this. Everyone not working on the diamond, get as far back in the cave as possible. Miss Swan, if you would be so kind."

A nod, and she took her place across from me over the trigger.

"On three, we go. One, two, _three." _

IT HURT.

It was frankly a miracle that the others had managed to hold on that long. I could feel Rose beside me, practically glowing with the power She was absorbing. And Regina, weak from the strain of starving the diamond's power source. Emma quickly began copying Regina, pulling magic away from the reaction, then dissipating it. But it was something very different I needed to do: a very delicate balancing act. Keeping enough power bound to release when the trigger had stopped completely (I still needed everyone to be knocked out, after all), while absorbing what leftover magic had gotten through before Emma had started, yet hadn't been converted and directed into Rose.

Only slightly more difficult than balancing on a tight-rope. If the tight-rope was on fire at both ends. And you were carrying a full-grown elephant. That was also on fire. And the flames from the elephant were beginning to set you on fire as well.

There was a _lot _of fire.

And all too quickly, it was over.

The last of the magic flow into the trigger disappeared. The reaction died. I let out what was left of the energy.

And everything exploded.

I had failed to take into account exactly how much energy Rose had already absorbed.

The shockwave was like dropping a rock in an already full pail. The minute Rose's eyes closed in unconsciousness, the power She'd held erupted out of Her. There was only one thing I could think of to do: draw it into the only person left awake.

Me.

I plunged both my hands into the center of the growing cloud, and _grabbed. _

The flow of magic reversed, and began to race into me. For a brief moment, I thought I had it under control. Foolish. You can't control magic.

It hit the power I had already absorbed, and...

PAIN.

FIRE.

ICE.

CHANGE.

_LIGHTNING. _

I slumped down into darkness, my eyes closing on the sight of storm clouds dancing on my fingertips.

"Bollocks."

And I knew no more.

* * *

"We're alive!"

Ow, my head.

"Emma?"

"OW, MY HAND!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry Witcher! Are you okay?"

"...My batteries are low and it's getting dark."

"...What?"

"It means I just need a minute to recharge, Miss Snow. That was...somewhat, more difficult than I had thought."

"Of course, you just...take it easy."

"Alas, Miss Snow. No rest for the wicked. There's something I have to do first."

I pushed myself up on my arms, then to my feet. There it was; the trigger. Lying inert on the cave floor. I stumbled over, and picked it up.

"What are you going to do with that?"

"Hopefully, remove it from this world. If it detonates somewhere else, it'll just be your regular run-of-the-mill explosion, instead of the hellish kind."

"That sounds like it's for the best."

She turned her attention back to Emma, and I turned mine to Rose. She was coming back around quickly, thank Gallifrey. No permanent damage, as far as I could tell. A glance to my right confirmed that Regina was already up and moving around, somewhat shakily, but still.

"You're making a habit of this, explosions." 

"Everyone needs a hobby. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Emma and Regina?" 

"Fine."

"Everyone else?" 

"I'll check. HEY! Everyone! Headcount!"

Charming's voice rang out. "I'm alright. Mary Margaret?"

"We're fine."

_"Both of us. Henry?" _

No answer.

_"HENRY?" _

Still nothing.

A surge of people into the tunnel. And lying on the ground, just a little way down the path, was a backpack.

As expected.

"...Emma, what is it?"

_"He took him." _

She turned to me, fire in her eyes.

_"You knew. You knew Greg would take him." _

"I suspected. There's a difference."

_"Why? What aren't you telling us?" _

"Rest assured, all will become clear, once we get to the water. I believe we have a dramatic exit to spoil."

* * *

"Relax, kid. I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Just everyone I love. You tried to blow up Storybrooke!"

"True, but that was never the point."

"It wasn't?"

"We came here to destroy the magic in this town, Henry, but then we found something more important. Something that changed everything...you."

* * *

_"What if Jayne misses?" _

"He won't."

_"What if he hits, and Greg still gets away?" _

"Then I guess we'll track him down in Hell, won't we?"

"There!"

Yep. There. Greg, and Henry.

"He has a bean!"

"He's opened a portal."

"TEMPLAR!"

My shout halted Greg in his tracks.

"That is who you work for, isn't it? The Templars? Abstergo Industries?"

He shouted back. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering if you've given any thought to alternative employment. I mean, Abstergo already burned to the ground. What's left of the Templars can't be far behind, considering all the Assassins wandering about nowadays."

He sneered. "Something we will soon rectify. It has become increasingly clear that to kill magic, you have to use magic."

"But you don't have any, mate."

"So? With this brat here, we can get all the magic we need."

"Really? You think Pan will hold up his end of the deal?"

His face turned white. "How do you…"

"Doesn't matter."

"...Agreed. I'll make Pan give me what I want, one way or another. Then magic here will finally die!"

"The dead body of a certain marathon-runner might disagree with you."

A hiss. "That's impossible. She can't be dead. It would take…"

"Me. All it took...was me."

My visor clicked into place, and I could see the recognition, followed swiftly by the horror.

"That's all it ever took. It was me that laid waste to your pathetic cause. It was me that collapsed your empire overnight. It was me that killed each and every single one of you abominations I found. It was _me. _And now I'm here to finish the job."

"...You're unarmed!"

I took a step forward. _"Never." _

"...Go ahead. Finish me. But soon, it'll be Pan that finishes you!"

He jumped, pulling Henry with him.

***BANG***

I could see his head twist as the bullet hit. A perfect shot, as I knew it would be.

And now Henry was on his way to Neverland, with no pesky Templars to barter him for power.

Excellent.

_"Henry!" _

"Henry!"

_"No! No, no! We have to follow them!" _

"Him. Just Henry. Greg is dead."

_"How do you know?!" _

**_"He knows I don't miss. Boss."_**

"Jayne. Good job."

**_"Thanks. Here's your gun back. Balances nice, but I prefer something bigger."_**

"Of course you do."

_"Why are you talking about guns?! My son, just fell through a portal, to whoever this Pan is! We can't just let him take Henry!" _

_"__They've taken Henry?"_

Cue the entrance of Belle and…

_"You're the Dark One! Do something!" _

_"__There's no way. I spent a lifetime trying to cross worlds to find my son. There's no way in this world without a portal."_

"Huh, hum."

Charming's hand was raised in the air, holding a certain bag.

"Will magic beans do?"

_"...That'll do nicely." _

Belle pointed to the distance. "What's that?"

_"...Hook." _

* * *

_"What the hell are you doing here?" _

"Helping."

"Well, you're late."

"Am I?"

_"...I thought you didn't care about anyone but yourself." _

"Maybe I just needed reminding that I could."

"Enough waiting around, let's go."

"Go? Where? I thought we were saving the town?"

"We already did."

_"We need to get to Henry. He fell through a portal that Greg made." _

"Well, I offer my ship and my services to help follow them."

"Well, that's great Hook, but how do we track him?"

"We don't."

Everyone's focus turned to me.

"I know where he is. And it's a place I'm sure that neither Mr. Gold nor myself hold any love for."

_"...Well? Where?" _

"I'll tell you on the ship. Get everything you could possibly need for a jungle; cause we're sailing smack into one."

* * *

_"__So, are you done trying to kill me?"_

"I believe so."

_"__Good. Then you can live. How about it, Time Lord? What unfortunate place has my grandson found himself in?"_

I cleared my throat.

"...Neverland."

A long, awkward silence.

_"...So that's who they were working for." _

"Indirectly, yes."

"Who? Who are we up against?"

_"Greg and Tamara were merely pawns…" _

I muttered. "I wouldn't exactly say that…"

_"__...Manipulated by forces far greater than they can conceive."_

"Now that, I would say exactly."

_"They had no idea who they were truly working for." _

_"And who's that?" _

_"Someone we should all fear...Peter Pan." _

Duh duh duh.

Big reveal, I know. But my mind was occupied with other things right now.

Like how we should have been back on the _Serenity _by now, watching more arm-wrestling. But then the Templars just _had _to show up, and now we were headed to Neverland to ensure Peter Pan was unable to follow through on whatever deal he had made with them. And, more importantly, find out how they had met. Henry's rescue was already assured, so that was one less thing, thankfully.

In the time since I had woken up, I had become increasingly aware of something else that required my attention: the magic I had absorbed. Magic in this realm seemed to have relatively few effects on Time Lords; Rose was proof of that. The worst that was possible was a power overload, followed by a release. Just as had happened. Or so I thought.

At the very center of a black diamond was a speck that was pure Gallifreyan, and it was through that it had been converting magic to destroy Storybrooke's connection to this world. And I had taken that converted energy into my body. Not enough to do any real harm, but still infinitely more capable of affecting me than just plain magic. And to top it all off, I had foolishly tried to contain the blast that Rose had released when She collapsed.

It had fed the spark I had already taken, and turned it into a raging inferno. I could feel it burning through me right now, changing, twisting, molding. Into what, I could make a fair guess. My DNA, once human, then Time Lord, was now becoming part Time Lord, part something else.

Part wizard.

Already I could feel the difference; whereas my sense of the world around had been that of a beautiful melody of Time and Space, now I could hear the harmony of Nature behind it. Magic was coursing through my veins now, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I really should have seen this coming. Fate was fond of foreshadowing. The fact that it was this world of all worlds that Storybrooke had latched onto was proof of that. Still, it wasn't like I was complaining. Perhaps it was time for even Time Lords to upgrade.

I grinned. "Yer a wizard, Harry."

"What was that, mate?"

"Oh, nothing Captain. Just planning."

"Right. I've been meaning to ask you: that gun of yours. Is it magical?"

"...You could say that, yes."

"How magical?"

"Magical enough that there's only five things it can't kill."

"Yeah? What are those?"

"Archangels, Arch-demons, Leviathans, God Himself, and...Darkness. Sorry mate. It won't help you with your Crocodile problem."

"That's not who I was planning to use it on."

"Ah. There's a thought; immortal Pan meets unstoppable bullet. Worth mulling over."

"Or trying."

"We'll see."

The portal loomed large in front of us now. I turned to face Hook fully.

"See you on the Flip Side, Captain."

"...See you."

We tipped over the edge. I took a deep breath.

"And way down we go."

There was a flash of green.

And then black.


	32. Chapter 32

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:32

"_Is that it?"_

"Aye. Neverland."

* * *

I caught Jayne's and Rose's gaze, and nodded towards the back of the ship. There were several things they needed to know before we arrived.

"_**What's the play, boss?"**_

"First things first: I'm probably gonna split off from you guys at some point or another, so there are a few things you should know are coming before they happen. Mermaids. Not very nice, here or anywhere else. Feel free to get rid of them by any means necessary. No interrogations; just eradication. If one manages to get a call out on a conch shell, crush every emotion you have. They'll just feed the storm the mermaid summoned. Dreamshade. Very nasty poison, almost incurable. Charming will be poisoned at some point or another; do _not _let anyone else know that he's been wounded. He'll be cured, eventually. Tinker Bell. At some point, she's going to kidnap Regina. Let her. It'll work out fine. Lost Boys. Them you can kill as well; or try to. They're pretty resourceful. Pan's map he gives Emma. Do not try to help her with it, unless it's to solemnly swear you're up to no good."

"Blank?"

"Blank. When the Charmings discover Neal is alive…"

"Alive?"

"Complicated. Anyway, Regina will leave to go it alone. Go with her, and follow where she leads. Hopefully, it'll be right back to me. We can figure the rest out from there; just...take care of yourselves."

"_**Will do boss."**_

"Where will you be during all this?"

"Hopefully, with Gold."

"The Dark One?"

"If you like. There are some things I need to do, answers I need to get. And the quickest way to do that is to stick with him."

"...I don't like it."

"Nor do I. But I have a plan. Well, four plans. Well, four plans, and a lizard. Never mind. Just try and keep to what I told you, and you should be fine. And see if you can finagle a spare bean each; in case of emergencies. They should send you back to wherever you wish."

"Got it."

"That's all I got. See you both on the Flip Side."

I watched them both walk back towards the others. They would be fine. I hoped.

"_So, the renegade Time Lord wishes to consort with the likes of me. How interesting."_

"...How much did you hear, Gold?"

"_Enough. You told them what was going to happen, didn't you?"_

I breathed a sigh of relief. I really didn't want Gold finding out Neal was alive; not yet anyway.

"Some of what's going to happen, yes."

"_A Time Lord who doesn't think Time is all theirs to know, and no one else's. How novel."_

"Not really. You just haven't met the right Time Lords."

"_Quite. I was under the impression that you came alone to Storybrooke. Apparently, I was mistaken. You lied to me."_

"I never lied to you. I merely told you certain truths in order to manipulate you."

"_Funny. I thought that was my job."_

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

"_You said you had a plan, Witcher. If you are to tag along, I would very much like to hear your excuse to do so."_

"Very well. But I'm not telling you about the lizard."

* * *

"Emma, the minute I let go of the belief that things will get better is the minute that I know they won't. We'll find Henry."

"_No, you won't."_

I always loved that version of Gold's outfit.

Hook, not so much. "Oh, that's a great use of our time. A wardrobe change."

"_I'm gonna get Henry."_

"We agreed to do this _together_."

"_Actually, we made no such agreement."_

"_Why are you doing this?_"

"_Because I wanna succeed."_

"_What makes you think I'm gonna fail?"_

"_Well, how could you not? You don't believe in your parents, or in magic, or even yourself._"

Oof. Harsh.

"_I slayed a dragon. I think I believe."_

"_Only what was shown to you. When have you ever taken a real leap of faith? You know, the kind where there's absolutely no proof? I've known you for some time, Miss Swan. And, sadly, despite everything you've been through, you're still just that... bail bonds-person, looking for evidence. Well, dearie, that's not gonna work in Neverland."_

"_I'll do whatever it takes."_

"_Well, you just need someone to tell you what that is. Sorry, dearie, our foe is too fearsome for hand-holding. Neverland is a place where imagination runs wild. And, sadly, yours doesn't. Witcher. You're with me. As for the rest of you: as they say, catch you on the Flip Side."_

He twisted his cane, and with a puff of smoke, we both vanished.

* * *

"_I must admit, your hanger-on has more skill than I had previously estimated. To hit such a shot, with a weapon not his own, is truly remarkable."_

He was talking, of course, about the dead body of one Greg Mendell lying in front of us. One bullet hole, directly in the temple. Instant kill shot.

"That's Jayne for you. Prides himself on two things; his drinking, and his shooting. Oh, and his interrogation skills. So three things actually."

"_Useful person to have around, then."_

"Pay him enough, and yeah."

I knelt down beside a pair of tracks. Small ones, that led directly into the jungle.

"Looks like your grandson is not overly burdened with common sense, if he didn't think to stay on the beach, _and _left a trail like a rampaging hippogriff."

"_Whatever your opinion of Henry may be, it doesn't matter. We follow. Now."_

"As you wish."

And I followed the Dark One into the Dark Jungle of Neverland.

* * *

We had been walking for quite awhile. I had picked up on our tag-along not long after we left the beach. But this was Gold's business, so I merely waited for him to...

"_Come out and say hello, dearie."_

Notice.

Our tail stepped out into view. Felix, if I remembered correctly.

"Hello Rumplestiltskin."

Gold made a half-hearted imitation of his signature hand-gesture.

"Pan welcomes you to the island. He wanted me to tell you he is...excited...to see you again."

"_Oh, yeah. I'm sure he is."_

"He wanted me to let you know you're welcome in Neverland, you, and your companion, for as long as you wish to stay...with one caveat."

"_There's always something with him."_

"If you're here for the boy...well...that makes you Pan's enemy."

"_Then nothing's changed."_

"If you go against him, you will not survive."

"_Well, the question...isn't whether I'll survive. Because we both know I won't. No, no. The real question is…"_

He hoisted Felix up by his neck."

"_Whether or not there'll be enough of you left when I'm through to stop my companion from killing Pan himself. Because I intend to take each and every one of you with me."_

"So, is that your answer?"

"_That is my answer."_

"Well, then, I suppose that means I'll see you again, in less...friendly...circumstances."

"_Count on it."_

"One last thing, then. There's something he wanted you to have."

A straw doll dropped to the ground at Gold's feet. Slowly, he knelt down, and picked it up. Tears began to stream down his face as he held it.

"Isn't it funny? The things we haven't thought about in years still have the ability to make us cry. See you around, Dark One."

Felix moved in my direction, and stopped to face me.

"And what about you?"

I crossed my arms. "What about me?"

"What's your stake in this?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Pan will find out. Sooner or later. He always does."

"We'll see."

"You can't kill him, you know."

"If I get what I want, I won't have to."

"The boy isn't yours, either."

"Who said anything about the boy?" I uncrossed my arms, and rested my hand on the Colt. "Go back to your master, lost one. And tell him there are wolves in this forest now. He's no longer the hunter; he's the prey. Of Dark and White both. So he better start running."

He slowly backed away. "Pan won't forget this."

"I'm counting on it."

I watched as he vanished into the foliage. Already, I wasn't looking forward to our next meeting. At. All.

I pretended not to notice as Gold continued to hold the doll. Like I said, this was his business. Not mine.

* * *

A fireball leapt from Gold's hand to the pile of kindling, instantly setting it ablaze.

"Show off."

He turned, placing his back to the fire, with his shadow on the rock in front of him. I stepped up beside him in the exact same position. With a wave of his hand, both of our shadows froze. He knelt down, and began to cut his shadow away from his body.

This was where the first part of my plan came in; switching shadows. Originally, Gold had just cut his away, and given it the Dark One Dagger. Not bad, until Pan got ahold of your shadow. He hadn't the first time, but things were different with me here, and I was taking no chances.

His shadow fully detached, Gold turned, and began to cut away mine.

Or at least, he tried to.

About halfway around my right foot, he suddenly froze, and jerked back to face the rock. His hand waved once again, and my shadow...disappeared.

It wasn't supposed to do that.

"_A fake shadow. How interesting."_

Cold steel pressed against my throat, just deep enough to make swallowing hard.

"_Tell me, Time Lord. Is there anything about you that's real?"_

"...I promise you, whatever is going on, I had nothing to do with it."

"_Whatever's going on. As if you didn't know. Shadows don't just disappear on their own. But yours, seemingly has. And not only that, it left a near perfect decoy in its place. Now, do you happen to know what that means, hmm?"_

I tried to swallow, and found I couldn't. "...I'm afraid not."

"_It means, dearie, that your soul, is currently, not to be found."_

"...My WHAT?"

"_Someone, somewhere, has decided the soul of a Time Lord would be a rather nice thing to have. And I'm not about to trust a man with no soul with this Dagger. So, we're making a slight alteration to your plan. Stand very still."_

What else was I gonna do? Whistle?

The hand not holding the knife gestured, and Gold's shadow floated over to me. His hand pointed down to my feet, and purple light shot from it in a triangle to connect to both the shadow, and my heels. Slowly, his shadow attached itself to me, and I could feel the Darkness within it as it did so. Gold's soul.

Oh God, I didn't have a soul.

Wait...how hadn't I noticed before?

I mean, I knew the signs. Apathy, violence, sarcasm, willingness to sacrifice...oh.

Either I had lost it when we fell through the portal (unlikely), and thus hadn't had time to notice it, or (much more likely), I hadn't had one since I arrived in the Doctor's world. I mean, how else would you describe what I had done to the Templars, Borusa, and the escaping Silence?

The only question now was, where did the fake shadow come...

Rose. The connection, between Bad Wolf, and myself. That hadn't been a fake shadow, it had been a representation of Rose's soul. Gold had just dispelled it. And replaced it with his own.

This was very, very, very, bad.

The Darkness latched on.

I started screaming.

And then I stopped.

It had accepted me as its new, temporary, owner. And the Darkness has never been one to cause pain to its wielder. Hallucinations and mind-bending were more its style. I could already feel it, trying to reach into my head, and take what it found. I slammed its fingers in the proverbial door. None of that now, none of that. This was only temporary, I reminded myself. Only temporary. I hoped.

"_You are certainly full of surprises, my dear Witcher. Take a look."_

The Dagger, which had only recently been at my throat, hung in front of my face. There was no mistaking the name that was now engraved on it.

_THE WITCHER._

I swallowed. About the only good thing I could see about this situation was my true name hadn't appeared on the blade. Probably due to the fact _the soul it was tied to was no longer in my body!_

Sorry. Better now.

"_Now, I know you can cause me a lot of harm using just my shadow. You don't even need magical means to do it. So, just in case, I think I'll hold on to this. For safekeeping."_

I was in no position to argue the point.

"_You really should be thanking me. After all, with my shadow tied to you, no one can cause you, or more importantly, me, any grief by either controlling your soul, or ripping your heart out. Although I'm doubtful you have one of those to begin with."_

"...I came...to help, didn't I?"

"_Ah, but help who dearie? Certainly not Henry. And certainly not me."_

"The world."

"_Whose?"_

"Yours. The people who Greg and Tamara were working for...they would see magic destroyed. And the wills of all men, slaved to their own. I've seen it before. I won't let it happen here. Not like with the Cybermen, or the Daleks, or any other God-forsaken group who thought they were above others."

"_...You're a hypocrite. All Time Lords consider them above others."_

"Yes. But not me. And you knew that. Or you would have already ordered me not to kill you."

"_I assure you, I needed no order to ensure that. Now, with all of the dramatics out of the way, I suggest we resume the search for my grandson. Move."_

And so I moved. And wondered exactly what I had truly gotten myself into.


	33. Chapter 33

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:33 

We had walked quite a ways. What tracks Henry had made had disappeared quite early on, probably due to Pan. And yet we kept right on going, Gold leading, and I following. Presumably he knew where we were going, because I for sure didn't.

When we finally stopped for a breather, Gold took out the doll again that Felix had given him. I kept forgetting just how messed up this family was; emotion-wise and flowchart-wise. Once upon a time, comforting Gold would have been the first priority on my list. But I had learned since then. And losing my soul had nothing to do with it. Sometimes, people just need to be alone.

A rustling, from behind Gold, but directly in my line of sight.

_"Who's there? Show yourself." _

I turned to offer the figure the chance to do what it wanted; steal the doll.

_"That doesn't belong to you, dearie." _

And we were off on the chase. It was a relatively short one; then again, the culprit had never been great at running. Gold tackled them to the ground, then threw back the hood to reveal...

_"...Belle?" _

Pan's shadow. This bit, I remembered well.

_"Belle. I don't understand. How did you get here?" _

It reached up to touch his coat. "I thought you didn't dress like that anymore. I thought that was in your past."

_"Well, this is now my future. Becoming this again, the Dark One...that's the only way I'll save my grandson." _

"But you haven't completely become him, have you? There's still hope."

I cleared my throat. "Well, you're half-right, I'll give you that."

Two faces turned to face me; one clouded with confusion, the other with anger. Guess which was which.

"You're not really here, are you?"

_"Well of course she is. If you can see her, then she must be here." _

"Not necessarily. Storybrooke. If you are really here, then you would be more than willing to tell us how it was protected when you left."

The shadow froze.

"...Well?"

"...The...dwarves are patrolling the border. Granny is...arming whoever is willing to fight."

"I lent you a weapon before we left. One that could stop any and all problems that might arise. Who did you leave it with?"

"...The Blue Fairy...she's the only one who everyone trusted with it."

_*CLICK* _

"Wrong answer. On two counts; one, this is the weapon. And two, the Blue Fairy is the last person I would ever trust with it."

A smile lit it's face. "Oh well. You can't blame me for trying."

A snap from Gold, and ropes wrapped themselves around the shadow.

_"...Witcher, put the gun down." _

"Is that an order, Dark One?"

_"...Yes." _

I felt the command echo through my head, controlling my entire body. Resistance was futile, but I still made it slower than it had to be. Better not to have Pan questioning why I was seemingly willing to take orders from the Dark One.

_"Now then. If you're not Belle, what are you. Answer truthfully. Because every lie you tell me will only mean more pain for you." _

The shadow smiled again. "Don't you know? I'm the better half of you."

_"There is no better half of me. I know what I am; a coward, through and through. What you are, is an attempt to have me doubt that. Now, I'm going to ask again." _

Lightning flashed from his fingers, and the shadow's face froze in a silent scream.

_"What. Are. You." _

The shadow began to writhe in pain, struggling against the ropes. The more it struggled, the less and less it resembled Belle, and the more it began to revert back to it's true form. Back to…

_"A shadow, then." _

"Pan's, I believe."

He turned to face me. _"...You could have just told me that." _

"You didn't ask. Besides, it looked like you were having fun."

_"__A bit. But now, that's done. Everyone knows shadows don't talk, they only reflect. We'll get no more information from it, helpful or otherwise."_

"No. I suspect not. Not when it's no longer tied up, anyway."

Gold whipped his head back, but it was too late. The shadow floated just off the ground, obviously still in pain. Yet defiant enough to give us both one last rude hand gesture, before it flew off into the night. Neither of us made to stop it.

_"...You knew what it was from the start. You knew it would try to use Belle's likeness to get close to me." _

"No. I knew it would mirror the only soul left that was tied to your body to try and get you to fall."

_"And what, you knew I wasn't strong enough to take it?" _

"Of course not. Quite the opposite. The shadow would never have questioned your dedication, merely your ability to follow through, as it were. It would have done its best to convince you that the very fact you were willing to lay down your life for your grandson meant that you were worth saving as well. It would have taken what Belle, the real Belle, would have told you, and twisted it to suit its own purpose. To keep you from doing what you had to. And that's something she wouldn't have wanted for you."

He was proper mad now. _"I have had. Quite enough. Of people telling me what they want for me. No more. I will save Henry. And I will do it, even if it takes my life. Neither you, nor any other, will take my redemption from me, Time Lord. And that...is an order." _

"...As you wish."

He marched off into the jungle, and I had no choice but to follow. After all, I didn't want him mistaking his son for another trick and killing him by accident, now did I?

* * *

"Stop! By order of Pan!"

One *whoosh*, and the two guards fell to the ground unconscious. For a while I had been afraid Gold wouldn't be able to access his own magic, since his shadow was now tied to me. I was relieved to find that wasn't the case; judging by the pull I felt at my feet as Gold knocked the Lost Boys out. One less thing to worry about.

_"I don't take orders." _

"No, you just take forceful suggestions."

_"Do shut up." _

I complied.

The minute I did, we both swung in the direction of the rustling my snark had been drowning out. There was only one person on this island crazy enough to not only travel alone, but do it while making an absolute crap-ton of noise, and that was…

_"__Bae?"_

I tensed, ready to hold Gold back if he did something stupid.

_"__You can't be real. You're dead."_

"What? Of course I'm real!"

_"You thought you could just come back with another face and try the same thing again, didn't you?" _

"No, hey, listen to me. It's me. I was shot, okay? But I survived. See? I'm alive."

_"My son is dead! You're just here to remind me of my failure!" _

"That's not why I'm here."

Gold paid his words no mind. _"My weakness." _

Neal raised his hands. "Put the spear down."

"Gold, it's okay. He's the real deal."

_"No, I'm not falling for this again. You're here to make me question my resolve. But you won't succeed. I will sacrifice my life for Henry. And nothing will stand in my way!" _

I leapt. Blimey, he was strong for an old man. Neal went to work on wrenching the spear out of his hand, while I did my very best to keep his mouth closed before he tried to command me.

"Gold! Stop! He's real! I swear! I knew this was going to happen!"

The spear was still dangerously close to Neal's neck.

"...Please...Papa."

And with that, the fight went out of Gold completely. I slowly unwound my arm from around his face.

_"...Bae? Is that really you?" _

"...Yeah."

_"...I thought I'd lost you forever." _

* * *

_"How is it possible?" _

"It's kind of a long story. Let's just say that the debt Robin Hood owes you has been paid."

_"You were back in our land?" _

"Yeah, but I made it here. The only thing that matters now is that I help Emma save Henry. Where is she?"

_"I left her and the rest of them aboard Hook's ship. As noble as their intentions may be, they don't have the stomach to do what needs to be done." _

I called out from where I was rifling through the knocked-out boys' pockets. "Oi! I'll have you know Jayne and Rose are perfectly capable of getting things done, no matter what."

_"Be that as it may, they are still outnumbered three to one by incompetents." _

"...Yeah okay, that's fair."

_"I very much doubt the rest of them would be able to see things through, if it interfered with their precious morals." _

Neal gestured towards me. "Morals like your new friend there?"

"Oi! Name's the Witcher, mate. Not 'your new friend there'. Rude. First rule; how do you do and shake hands, state your name and business. That's manners."

"Fine. I'm Neal, and you've already heard my business. I'd shake your hand, but it seems they're both occupied. Satisfied?"

"...It'll do."

"At least tell me they're not, uh…"

_"No, they're just sleeping. For now." _

"Let's leave it that way, okay?"

_*CRACK* _

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"What? You said to leave them sleeping! You didn't say anything about making sure they were at a disadvantage when they woke up."

"You can't just go around dislocating people's knees!"

_*CRACK* _

"Why not?"

"Because...because…"

Neal was completely lost for words.

_"__...You don't have the stomach, either. Do you."_

"...I'll do what needs to be done. But robbing Lost Boys? Hurting them when they're already down?"

I cut in. "Don't forget killing them."

"...We don't have to do any of that."

_"__...We shall see."_

"And for the record, I wasn't robbing them. I was checking to see if they had any spare pixie dust."

_"And did they?" _

"Afraid not."

_"__So that's one plan of yours out the window, then?"_

"Something like that. Time to hear a plan of yours, I reckon."

"You do have a plan, don't you? The whole 'sacrifice your life' thing was just you being dramatic, right?"

_"Well, it's the only way. Pan's too powerful. You can only beat him if you're willing to die. Which I am. And I suspect our friend here already has." _

I gave a sideways glance at Gold. Just because you lost your soul didn't mean you died. Even I knew that. But maybe Gold didn't?

Regardless, it didn't matter. I had other things to worry about. Namely, Neal's plan.

"What if I told you there was an easier way?"

The real reason I had tagged along with the Dark One for; a chance to speak to Pan when he was at a disadvantage.

Priceless.

* * *

_"So what exactly is your plan?" _

"You know how if you hold a shell up to your ear you can hear the ocean? Certain shells, the ocean can hear you."

Neal held the conch up to his mouth, and blew.

_"Why would we need the ocean to hear us?_

Neal paid him no mind, and kept blowing."

_"...What have you done?" _

"Give me the spear."

A squid emerged from the lake, roaring it's displeasure.

**_*BANG*_**

"...Somewhat easier than a spear fight with a sea monster, wouldn't you say?"

_"...Show off." _

"I believe you know how to extract ink from one of these bad boys?"

_"Squid ink. So this is your plan?" _

"It can immobilize even the most magical of creatures. At least for a little while...even Pan."

_"__...I have some experience with it."_

Oh didn't he just.

"Can you get it out?"

_"Indeed. But how do you plan on getting close enough to use it?" _

A sigh from Neal. "I don't need to get close. All I need is one clean shot to get Henry back."

_"__Well, leave that to me."_

* * *

I watched as the Lost Boys fell to the ground, asleep. Ridiculously easy, as I knew all traps would be. But there was one thing Pan had yet to learn; never, ever put a Time Lord in a trap.

I was surprised he hadn't made any other arrangements; after all, I was an unknown, who could potentially cause him quite a lot of trouble. Perhaps it was the fact I had expressed no interest in Henry specifically; perhaps it was the fact I had seemed quite confident in my ability to kill him, and thus he wished to avoid antagonizing me. Either way, the end result was the same; the exact same positions I remembered from before. Pan, standing amidst the bodies of his Boys, Gold facing him down, and Neal behind, ready with an arrow.

"The Dark One. Come to save Henry, have you laddie?" 

Silence from Gold.

"How exciting. The Dark One, ready to sacrifice his life for his family. Speaking of family...you can come out now Baelfire. You too, Witcher."

Neal slowly walked out of the foliage. "Name's Neal now."

"New name, but the same old tricks. It's heartwarming to see father and son working together, especially after you abandoned him Rumple. This is a real family reunion."

I couldn't help myself. "In more ways than one, I suspect."

Pan turned to regard me with a blazing interest. A bit of a gamble on my part, but I needed Pan to be looking at me when Neal…

_*WHOOSH* _

"Clever. But we've been through this before, Baelfire. Have you remembered nothing?"

"I remember plenty."

The arrow dropped from Pan's hand as the squid ink took effect.

A smug look crossed Neal's face. "That's why I didn't coat the tip."

I held up a finger. "Pretty poor choice of words, Neal. Might want to think that out a little better next time."

_"__Grab Henry."_

Neal nodded, and made his way over to a very specific sleeping boy.

"Well, how bout that. I'm impressed. But are you sure you're saving him Bae?"

"What could be worse than leaving him here with you?"

"Why don't you ask your father? Sometimes the people we should fear the most are the ones closest to us."

Ooooo, foreshadowing.

"Wh...What's he talking about?"

_"...Don't listen to him." _

"You mean you haven't told him?" 

"Told me what?"

"Why, about the prophecy of course." 

"What prophecy, what's he mean?"

"The prophecy that says you've been tricked. Your father isn't here to rescue your son. He's here to murder him."

Time for me to step in. "Right, that's enough of that. You two run along with Henry. I've got a few answers I need to get, and they're probably not ones either of you need to hear."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to be around when that ink wears off."

"I assure you, I'll be fine. He knows if I wanted him dead, he would already be in his grave. I'm no threat to him; I just want a parley."

Pan managed to smirk while immobilized. "And a parley you shall have. Run along, Dark Family. I'll be seeing you again."

Neal yelled back as he carried Henry off into the forest. "I doubt it!"

"...So, now that all of the dramatics are over, we can get down to the real reason for me letting you waltz in here. It seems you were just as anxious to talk to me as I was to you."

"Seems that way. How about we do a trade agreement: a question, for a question. Back and forth, one truthful answer after another. Sound fair?"

"Life is never fair. But your proposal is acceptable." 

"Excellent. In the spirit of good form, I'll even let you go first."

"Sporting of you. First question, then: what's your interest in the boy?"

"Absolutely none whatsoever. Whatever happens, happens. I'm just here to make sure what shouldn't happen, doesn't happen. Savvy?"

"...Savvy." 

"Good. My turn; I know the Templars offered you Henry. What did you offer them in return?"

"Why, to deal with their Assassin problem of course. It seems somebody let loose a bunch of villainous rogues upon an unsuspecting world, and they were oh so anxious to restore law and order."

I snorted. "Of course they were. I assume you would have turned the ones you could into Lost Boys, and ripped away the shadows of the ones you couldn't, then?"

"Ah, ah, ah. My turn, Witcher. You have to play by the rules."

I imitated a bow. "My apologies. Ask away."

"How is it you came to Storybrooke? I can see you are not of this world, and yet you seem to know the stories of each and everyone here, if your remarks about family reunions are anything to go by."

"I try. I came to Storybrooke purely on the whims of Fate, I assure you."

"So it was coincidence that you ended up in a world you knew everything about?"

"I have seen many things in my life, Pan, but never a coincidence."

"Quite. Final turn." 

Ho boy. "...If I were to do my very best to stay out of the way of the events I know are about to occur, would you do me the courtesy of refusing all assistance to the Templars? I mean, after all, I could have killed your pawn any time I wanted. I merely let Henry fall through the portal because I needed an excuse to tag-along to this paradise island, and find out exactly what those cross-eyed clankers wanted. So, technically, since I'm the only one left of those who brought Henry here, you by rights owe me the debt you did the Templars."

"...You make a valid point. Alright; you have a deal. I promise that both I and my Lost Boys shall do our best not to help any 'cross-eyed clankers'. I quite like the sound of that, actually. Mind if I use it?"

"Go right ahead. But first, we shake."

"I would stick out my hand, but…" 

"Quite."

A handshake later, and the deal was done.

"Not the first time I've shook hands with a devil."

"Not the first time I've shook hands with a Time Lord." 

...Bollocks.

"You're surprised? You shouldn't be. I knew what you were the minute you mentioned wolves to Felix. I was told you would come."

"...By who?"

"A rather entertaining lady who wouldn't give me her name. Merely a deal."

"...And what was that?"

"That, when a Time Lord came to Neverland, he would bring hunters of both the Dark and the White with him. But the only hunt he would make would be one for knowledge. And when he had found it, I was to give him this…"

Pan moved. I went for the Colt, but he made no motion to attack. He simply stood there, holding a coin aloft for me to see.

A Gambit coin.

This one clearly emblazoned with the symbol of the Taken.

Ironic.

"For the life of me, I could never figure out what it was made of. Not jade, not emerald, nothing. It was only when I realized she was a traveler from another world that I knew I would never figure it out. It simply didn't exist here. Such a pity; virtually indestructible. Would have made for a nice dagger."

I gently took the offered coin. It felt cold in my hand. "...What else did she tell you?"

"Only this; one word. _Bucket. _Good luck figuring that one out."

I, of course, had already figured it out.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a pair of wayward boys to retrieve."

He whistled. And the Lost Boys began to stir to life.

"Oops. I said I wouldn't help the Templars. I never said I wouldn't hurt you. After all, you did hurt two of my men. I take that very seriously."

"I could have just killed them, you know."

"Of course. That's why I'm giving you a head start. Now run."

I smirked as I felt the pull of a summons from the Dagger. Gold's ink must have worn off as well. "No thanks. I prefer to do this."

And I disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Easy peasy, when you had someone else telling you how to do it.


	34. Chapter 34

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:34

Of all the things I expected to see when I rematerialized, one of the last was the sight of the Dark One Dagger in the hands of Neal.

"Really? You just...handed it over to him? I knew you were desperate, Gold, but really, come on."

_"__In case you hadn't noticed, oh all-knowing Time Lord, I had little to say in the matter."_

"Huh? Oh, still stuck under that squid ink then? How's that feel? I've always wondered."

_"__...Cold. Which is what your body is going to be if you don't get me out of here."_

Neal pointed the Dagger at me. "Nuh-uh. Not happening. Before anything else, you're gonna explain exactly how it is your name is now on this Dagger, and why you trusted my father of all people with it. And that's an order, Dark One."

I held up a finger. "Okay, first of all, I don't have to explain shish. Second of all, the reason I don't have to explain shish is that technically isn't my true name on the Dagger. I'm not the Dark One. I can't be. You have to have a soul to be the Dark One."

"...You're _soulless?!"_

"Well, yes, but actually, no. Your dear old dad thought it would be a good idea to latch his soul on to me when he discovered my current condition. Your father is still the Dark One; but now all that Dagger controls is his shadow. My shadow. Whatever. And my shadow has always been that of the Witcher. Savvy?"

"...No?"

A sigh. "Dagger no work on father, Dagger no work on my mind, Dagger work only on my shadow and body. Savvy now?"

"...Yes."

"Good, cause I wasn't dumbing that down any more."

With a snap of my fingers, a gag wrapped itself around Neal's mouth. No more orders from him. Another wave, and he was frozen in place. I calmly walked over, and plucked the Dagger from his hand.

"Now, because I'm both a gracious man, and because I know what has to happen next, I'm not gonna stop you taking Henry, and I'm not gonna release your father until the squid ink wears off. After that, you're on your own. But I will point out something to the both of you, while I have a captive audience: the prophecy you're both so worked up about? It says 'undoing'. Not 'death'. Undoing can mean a lot more than just dying. Remember that."

I released Neal. "Take Henry. Go. And if an opportunity comes up for you to be as self-sacrificial as your father, by all means, take it."

Neal ripped the gag from his mouth. "Go to Hell."

"Been there, mate. Didn't agree with me. Now get. Before I change my mind."

With one last look backwards, he strode off into the jungle, Henry hanging from his arms.

_"__...Tell me the truth."_

"Which one?"

_"__Don't play games with me. You know as well as I do it's impossible for the Dark One to use the power of the Dagger, to act against the one who holds the Dagger. So, tell me Time Lord, are all of you magical, or am I just lucky enough for you to be the one that crossed my path."_

"Not lucky, I would say. Fated, perhaps. She seems to like things like this. Well, Her, and...others. So, to answer your question, as far as I know, I'm the only Time Lord blessed or cursed with magic. Whichever you prefer."

_"__...I see. Then, perhaps, you do really have a higher power interested in you after all. To lose your soul, but gain remarkable power, seems reminiscent of another story. One I know well."_

"Perhaps. Perhaps in time, I may turn out like you as well."

_"__I sincerely hope not. For a man without a soul, you seem to be much more whole than I am."_

"I'd offer a rebuttal to that, but all I'll say instead is 'Spoilers'."

_"__...I see."_

The glow around Gold's body slowly faded, leaving him free once more. _"I take it there's a very good reason you just let my son stroll off into the jungle with the very object of my search. But if you act in such a manner without telling me, again, then I can assure you, things will not go well for you."_

I held up my hands. "Believe me, I have absolutely no more intentions of interfering. I've been here with my compadres as long as necessary. As soon as they show up, I'll be out of your hair for good. Speaking of which…"

I leaned down, and cut away Gold's shadow from my feet. As soon as I did, the name on the Dagger reverted back to what it had been before: Rumpelstiltskin. I handed the Dagger to the shadow.

"Take it. Hide it. Where no one can ever find it. Not even him." I pointed to Gold.

The shadow nodded in understanding and vanished, along with the Dagger.

"Good. Now, that's done, and things are back to what they should be. I'll leave you to what comes after now. Call if you need me, but don't count on my assistance. I've got what I came for."

_"__And there it is again. The Time Lord arrogance. The belief that all others' concerns are below your own. How self-righteous of you."_

I grabbed Gold and hoisted him up by his coat collar. "Listen you great big bag of roosters, I am trying my very best to not screw up this timeline beyond all recognition, at the same time I'm keeping the Templars from doing the same. I refuse to do more than what is absolutely necessary, but that doesn't mean I'll do nothing at all. Or have you forgotten who told you exactly where your grandson had ended up? Don't mistake my deliberate calculation for apathy."

I slowly let him drop to the ground. "I'm going to stand guard. You do what we both know you're planning to do, and everything will turn out fine. Savvy?"

_"…__I savvy."_

"Right. Get to it then."

He sat, and closed his eyes. Of course, I knew trying to see the future here wouldn't work, but it wasn't my job to tell him that. That was…

"You can't see the future here. It's impossible to see the future in a place where Time stands still. Well, except for certain individuals."

…Pan's job.

I made a rather exaggerated bow. "I try."

_"__I may not be able to see the future, but I can certainly make one happen."_

Pan scoffed. "Was that a threat? And here I made you your favorite breakfast…eggs in a basket. I thought you could use it. You looked a little down in the dumps. Sorry Time Lord, looks like we're out of fish fingers and custard."

"Sorry to disillusion you, but very few Time Lords were blessed with the taste buds for that particular dish. I appreciate the sentiment though."

"Yes. Sentiment." He turned back to face Gold. "Let's do a rundown of what sentiment's gotten you, Rumple. You lost your son, Neal. Again. And Henry's unattainable because…well, you'd have to go through me, and we both know you can't. You still like the yolk runny, don't you?"

_"__What do you want?"_

"Well, if you won't eat, then I will." He took a bite out of the still-warm breakfast. "I'm just trying to point out the silver lining of your cloudy life."

A quick swipe of my hand, and a bite of the second egg-basket went down my own hatch. Hmm. Not bad. Little less solid than I liked.

_"__That by killing you, all our troubles end?"_

"We both know that's not going to happen, because the only way for you to do that is for you to die, too. You can go. Leave the island."

_"__And abandon my son? And Henry? I don't think so."_

"…Look, even if you did save them…which you won't…what would be the point? They'll never forgive you for all the horrible things you've done."

_"__You don't know that."_

"Have you forgiven _your _father?"

Silence from Gold.

"…You see my point? Back to that silver lining…you have a nice girl waiting for you back in Storybrooke. Belle, is it? Stop this foolishness, and go back to her. Make a new start. She looks fertile…maybe a new child? You and I both know that's the only future for you…assuming you want to live. Enjoy the eggs, both of you."

And with that, he sauntered back off into the forest, from whence he came.

_"…__The sad thing is, if his shadow was still around to mess with my mind, that tactic might actually have worked."_

I swallowed the last bit of egg. "Naaaaah. Never would have happened."

_"__Was he right though? Is that truly the only future for me?"_

"Look, Gold, while I can't tell you exactly what's going to happen, I can assure you of this much: what's coming, is a fixed point in Time. How this ends is how it was always meant to end. And neither one of Pan's futures is it."

_"__You didn't say whether or not I'd survive said fixed point."_

I held a finger up to my lips. "Spoilers."

_"__Of course. Still, it would have been nice to know whether I'll die, or merely be undone."_

"That's what they all say, mate."

It was of course at that moment that three very familiar faces decided to come trampling out of the undergrowth and practically crash into us.

* * *

"I have been camping with the Charmings for a _week _and getting _nowhere. _If we're gonna get Henry, I need _you. _I need Rumpelstiltskin."

_"__Well the problem, dearie, is Rumpelstiltskin can only stop Pan with his own undoing."_

"You're not gonna be undone by anyone's hands but my own."

I coughed and covered my mouth. "Probably could have phrased that a little bit better."

Rose smiled at that. Jayne, of course merely stood there looking confused.

Regina kept right on with her speech. "We're the two most powerful practitioners of magic who have ever lived."

I coughed again. "In the Enchanted Forest, maybe."

"The Evil Queen and the Dark One joining forces? I'd say we can find another way to handle one smug teenager."

I whispered to Rose. "Anyone else getting flashbacks involving Tom Riddle, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Harry Potter?"

She snorted and shot me a look of pure exasperation. Ah, it was good to have her back.

_"__You've never faced him. I have. And I know what killing him requires. And that is…my demise."_

"Well, as much as I want to, maybe we don't have to kill him. If that's the case then…maybe we can find another way…something to contain him, some other Fate."

_"…__A Fate worse than Death."_

"_Now _we're talking. There's my malevolent imp. Is there a spell you know? Something we can enact?"

"I'm serious, I'm getting heavy Order of the Phoenix vibes here."

They ignored me. _"…No. But back in my shop, I might have just the thing."_

"Well why didn't you bring it with you in the first place?!"

_"__Because I came here to kill him and die in the process!"_

"Well, I could have told you that wasn't going to happen. You forget, dearie. I've known you a long time. I know all about your survival instincts."

_"__Yeah, well, they just kicked in."_

Good. So, now, we just need a change of plans. We need to get back to your shop, pick up this magical item, and then all of our problems are solved."

_"__Crossing realms? Is that all?"_

"Yes. That's all."

_"__I don't suppose you happen to have one of those beans Charming is hauling around, do you?"_

"You know as well as I do portals only work on Neverland if Pan allows it. And he certainly doesn't want any of us leaving anytime soon."

Well, there was Plan A up in smoke. Guess we were gonna have to go with Plan B.

Regina smiled. "I have a better idea."

* * *

_"__If you think summoning a giant squid is the answer, I already tried that."_

"Oh, you've had fun haven't you! I have no intention of ordering calamari."

Regina bent down, and whispered into the shell.

Jayne made what he thought was a subtle comment. **_"I suppose this all makes some sort of sense to whatever whacked up mind you're running around with?"_**

I smiled. "Absolutely none whatsoever. Everyone's mad here; that's just how magic is."

A certain mermaid's head popped up above the water.

"Case in point."

"Is that…"

Regina smirked. "Hello Ariel. Long time."

"Yepppppp."

_"__Its true mermaids can travel across realms. But they can't be trusted."_

"This one can. We have history together."

_"__Well, that would explain the distasteful look on her face."_

"And now she's going to help us."

Vigorous shaking from Ariel's head.

"Oh, your voice."

And for the first time in who knows how long, Ariel spoke. _"Why would I help you?"_

"Because I can give you what you want. I can give you legs, Ariel, and this time, control over them. But more importantly, I can give you what you need most."

_"…__What?"_

"The place I'm sending you…among its residents…is your Prince Eric."

A whisper from Rose. "This place is like a Who's Who of fairytales."

_"…__What's the name of this place?"_

"…Storybrooke."

* * *

Regina's goodbye to Rose was short and sweet. At least, I think it was. I didn't catch much of it. I was a bit busy having Jayne catch me up on what had happened since we parted ways.

"It worked?"

**_"_****_Pretty as you please, boss. I solemnly swear'm up ta no good, and boom. Instant map. Led us right into a trap, but I 'spected that. Few less Lost Boys for the rest to deal with now."_**

"Good man. Everything else happen like I said it would?"

**_"_****_Yep. And a bit more you left out. You didn't say nothin' 'bout revealin' our darkest secrets."_**

"Ah. Sorry. Forgot about that."

**_"_****_Convenient. Still, weren't too bad. For me anyways. For Rose…I couldn't say."_**

It was like ice on my spine. "…What happened."

**_"_****_Not for me to say. You'll have to ask her. Later."_**

I nodded. Yes, I would.

Rose and Regina finally parted ways with a hug. That was unexpected. But nice. They both needed it.

Regina walked off back into the forest in the direction of the shore, where Gold was waiting. And Rose came slowly back to where we were waiting with the Black Diamond.

"Are you sure this will work?"

I scratched the back of my head with the Colt. "No. But the beans won't work here, and if we don't end up back where we started, we'll probably be able to use them to get where we want to go. So, if we're all ready…"

A single nod from the both of them.

"Right. Pull!"

I tossed the Diamond up, and…

***BANG***

"And way down we go!"


	35. Chapter 35

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:35

"That's a first. Climbing out of a portal, as opposed to falling out of one."

"I'm not entirely sure which one I like less."

"Oi! Look! Not a single gun pointed at us, no endless ocean, no jungle island…I'd say this is definitely better than last time."

**_"_****_He's got a point. Where's the nearest bar? I need to do some drinkin'."_**

"Ah. Well, seeing as its around…" I stuck out my tongue, "…1880, I'd say the odds of finding a bar are rather low. A pub or tavern, much more likely. And less chance of a fight."

**_"_****_You're tellin' me, you can tell which year it is, just by tasting the air?"_**

"Well, I don't claim to be the greatest at it, but more or less. Although it tastes a bit wrong. Little less starch, a little more salt. Oh, well. Guess we'll head into town and find out exactly where we are. And lodging and food, if we can get it."

**_"_****_Hm, hmmm."_**

"Uuuugh. Fine. Rum, whiskey, brandy, whatever as well. Happy now?"

**_"…_****_I'll work on it."_**

"See that you do. Now, unless I'm wrong, the nearest village is going to be in…" I stuck my finger in the air, and turned in a circle.

Or tried to. Halfway through, my finger ran smack into…

"Huh. Tree."

"Really? You're surprised by a tree?"

"Well, no, but actually, yes. Not the tree, per say. Just the fact that I recognize this tree. From…somewhere. Can't remember from where, though. Give it a bit, it'll come back to me."

"Witcher…"

"Oh, right. Nearest village in…this direction! Come along, gang! Vamanos!"

It was about ten minutes down the road when we were approached by a rather rapid dust cloud.

"Dust. That's a little wrong as well. These are the moors; there shouldn't be a dry speck of dirt for miles around."

"Witcher…I recognize that carriage…"

"…Oh bollocks."

And now I recognized it too. Well, at least the mystery of the dust was solved. The horses were form much further afield than the moors. From Windsor, I'd say.

The Queen was coming to Torchwood.

And the Doctor was nowhere in sight.

"Witcher, you said this was 1880, not 1879!"

"Yes, well I told you the year tasted wrong! Different world, should have known we weren't home yet."

"Witcher, if things go the way they did when I was here the first time, we'll have a werewolf on the throne of England if we don't do something."

**_"_****_Scuse me, did you just say werewolf?!"_**

"I know, I know! And whatever this world is, it obviously doesn't have a version of you and the Doctor to stop it! For crying out loud, can things just stay calm _for five minutes!"_

"Witcher!"

"Fine, fine, I'm on it!"

I stepped out into the middle of the road, trying to look a great deal more in control than I felt.

"Halt!"

"…They're not halting."

"Yeah, noticed!"

I tried again. **"Halt!"**

**_"_****_Oh, for…HAAAAAAAAAAALT!"_**

"…Thanks, Jayne."

**_"_****_Don't mention it."_**

The soldiers pulled up around us in a half-circle, the captain facing us.

"Who are you to call a halt upon us? Explain your presence, and your armament, sir!"

"Of course, Captain, it would be my pleasure. I am Major John Winchester, of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. This young lady is Miss Rose Tyler, an avid naturalist, and the man standing behind me is Mr. Jayne Cobb, a big-game hunter, recently returned from the Orient. The Lord Provost tasked us with the assurance of your safe journey through this land when he learned of the incident on the railway. I have credentials, if I may…"

The captain nodded, lowered his gun, and held out his hand for the paper.

"As you can see, wounded in Afghanistan, invalided home, Doctorate from the University of Edinburgh. Trained under Doctor Bell himself."

The Queen's voice echoed from the carriage. **"Let them approach."**

"…I don't think that's wise ma'am."

**"****Let them approach."**

The captain sighed, and gestured with his gun. "You will approach the carriage. And show all due deference."

I saluted, and the captain replied in turn. We all then turned, and made our way forward to where the footman was opening the door to reveal…

"Miss Tyler, Mister Cobb…might I introduce her Majesty, Queen Victoria. Empress of India, and Defender of the Faith."

"Rose Tyler, ma'am. And our apologies for going so well armed. We were merely concerned for your Majesty's safety."

**"****I have guards for that, Miss Tyler. Nevertheless, the sentiment is appreciated. You, Major. Show me these credentials of yours."**

I complied.

**"****All quite clear. You have been appointed my Protector by the Lord Provost, you and your companions."**

"Yes, your Majesty."

**"****Let us proceed with all haste, then."**

The captain called out from behind us. "Sir Robert Campbell lives but ten miles hence. We'll send word ahead, he'll shelter us for tonight, then we can reach Balmoral tomorrow."

**"****The Major and his companions will come with us."**

"Yes ma'am. We'd better get moving, it's almost nightfall."

**"****Indeed. And there are stories of wolves in these parts. Fanciful tales intended to scare the children. But good for the blood, I think. Drive on!"**

We made our way behind the carriage.

"Any bets on which one of us is gonna get her to say, 'We are not amused'?"

Rose sneaked a glance at Jayne. "…No bets."

"…Yeah, that's fair. Still…"

"…Alright, how does ten quid sound?"

"You're on."

**_"_****_What you two honkin' at?"_**

"Nothing!"

* * *

"Your Majesty."

**"****Sir Robert. My apologies for the emergency. And how is Lady Isobel?"**

"She's…indisposed, I'm afraid. She's gone to Edinburgh for the season. And she's taken the cook with her, the kitchens are barely stocked…I wouldn't blame Your Majesty if you wanted to ride on."

**"****Oh, not at all! I've had quite enough carriage exercise. And this is…charming. If rustic. It's my first visit to this house. My late husband spoke of it often. The Torchwood Estate. Now, shall we go inside? Oh, and please excused these well-armed individuals."**

"Of course. The Lord Provost's orders, I take it."

I inclined my head in agreement.

**"****It hardly matters. Shall we proceed?"**

The captain addressed the soldiers behind him. "Makerson and Ramsey, you will escort the Property. Hurry up."

Two "Yes sir!"s came by way of reply.

**_"_****_What's in that case, then? Somethin' valuable, I take it."_**

"Property of the Crown. You will dismiss any further thoughts, sir."

**_"_****_Alright, alright, I was just askin'."_**

The captain ignored Jayne. "The rest of you go to the rear of the house. Assume your designated positions."

Another soldier echoed him. "You heard the orders. Positions, sir."

The others began to follow into the house. The captain glanced back, obviously hesitant to order a major to do the same. "…Sir, if you would be so kind as to come this way."

"Of course, Captain. I was merely observing the architecture."

One specific piece of architecture, in fact.

Above the entrance hung a symbol I had seen before.

One that held an explanation for how the Colt had ended up in the hands of the Templars.

The symbol of the Men of Letters.

"Curiouser and curiouser."

* * *

**"****This, I take it, is the famous Endeavour."**

"All my father's work. Built by hand in his final years. Became something of an obsession…he spent his money on this rather than caring for the house or himself."

"Would you mind if we…"

"Help yourself."

Yep, exactly the same as the first time.

"He fancied himself a naturalist as well, Miss Tyler. Just one of subjects further afield. I wish now I'd spent more time with him. And listened to his stories."

I knelt down to look through the glass. "That's the thing about stories. To particular people, they can mean so much more than they seem."

**"****And what stories mean so much to you, Major?"**

"Oh, you wouldn't want to hear those. This really is a fantastic piece of work."

**"****And the imagination of it should be applauded."**

The Queen swept forward. **"This device surveys the infinite work of God."**

I muttered to myself. "I'd be careful of Him hearing things like that."

**"****What could be finer? Sir Robert's father was an example to us all. A polymath. Steeped in astronomy and sciences, yet equally well-versed in folklore and fairytales."**

"A man who can see both the stars and the magic behind them…there is nothing dearer to my heart."

**"****Quite, Major. My late husband enjoyed his company. Prince Albert himself was acquainted with many rural superstitions, coming as he did from Saxe Coburg."**

The Queen turned to Sir Robert. **"When Albert was told about your local work, he was transported."**

Right. I already knew which world we had found ourselves back in; time to find out what kind of wolf our own pack would have to handle. "Ah yes, the wolf. Remind me again, Sir Robert, exactly how the story went?"

"…It's just a tale."

"Then tell it."

"…It's said that…"

And of course, the not-so-good Father once again interrupted. "Excuse me, sir. Perhaps her Majesty's party could repair to their rooms. It's almost dark."

Sir Robert seemed to collapse into himself. "Of course. Yes, of course."

**"****And then supper. And could we find some eveningwear for my Protectors? After all, it would be highly uncourteous to ask them to dine while we are arrayed in finer affairs. See to it. We shall dine at seven. And talk some more of this wolf. After all,…there is a full moon tonight."**

"So there is madam."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Major, your companions were not in their rooms when we looked. We shall continue to search, of course."

So, Rose and Jayne had made their escape with the maid, and were waiting in the wings for action. Good. Two guns were better than one.

"Oh, that's alright. Rose has probably taken it into her head to go hunting for that wolf, and Mr. Cobb is always more than happy to look out for her when she takes dangerous ideas into her head. I'm sure they'll both be fine."

**"****Could it not be said, Major, that all ideas are in their own way dangerous?"**

"Very wise, ma'am! Very witty!"

**"****Slightly witty, perhaps. I know you rarely get the chance to dine with me, Captain, but don't get too excited…I shall contain my wit in case I do you further injury."**

"Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am."

I felt bad for the poor captain. "Besides, we're waiting on good Sir Robert! Come, our gracious host! You promised us a tale of nightmares."

**"****Indeed. Since my husband's death, I find myself with more of a taste for supernatural fiction."**

I did my best to look solemn. "Understandable, your Majesty. You must miss him."

**"…****Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the…hope…of some contact from the great beyond."**

I muttered to myself. "Be careful what you hope for."

The Queen continued. **"We all want some message from that place…it's the Creator's greatest mystery that we are allowed no such consolation."**

Yet another muttering. "It makes for good reading, that's why."

**"****The dead stay silent. And we must wait. Come! Begin your tale, Sir Robert. There's a chill in the air. The wind is howling through the eaves. Tell us of monsters!"**

* * *

"The story goes back three hundred years."

So not a normal werewolf then. At least, not one specific one. Perhaps a line of succession.

"Every full moon, the howling rings through the valley."

Alright, more in favor of line.

"The next morning, livestock is found ripped apart and…devoured."

Back to square one. Either a bunch of vegetarian (relatively) weres, or the original monster. Good.

The captain shows no signs of belief. "Tales like this just disguise the work of thieves. Steal a sheep and blame a wolf, simple as that."

Sir Robert pressed on. "But sometimes a child will go missing. Once in a generation. A boy will vanish from his home."

Always the boys. Definitely misogynistic werewolves, then.

I had to know for certain, though. "Are there…descriptions…of this creature?"

"Oh yes, Major. Drawings and woodcarvings. And it's not merely a wolf. It's more than that. This is a man who becomes…an animal."

"A werewolf."

"Yes. My father didn't treat it as a story. He said it was fact. He even claimed to have communed with the beast, to have learned its purpose. I should have listened."

And here it came.

"His work was hindered…he made enemies. There's a Monastery in the Glen, of Saint Catherine. Their Knights opposed my father's investigations."

Knights? What Knight…ohhhhhhh bollocks.

**"****Perhaps they thought his work ungodly."**

Yes, I'd wager they did.

"That's what I thought. But now I wonder…what if they had a different reason for wanting the story kept quiet? What if they turned from God…"

He leaned forward in his chair. "…And worshipped the Wolf? And what if they were with us…right…now?"

* * *

Father Angelo's chanting could not drown out the confusion.

**"****What is the meaning of this?!"**

"Explain yourself Sir Robert!"

**"****What's happening?!"**

"I'm sorry, your Majesty, they've got my wife…"

I let out quite possibly the loudest whistle ever heard. "Right! That's that! By thunder, I'll do my job even of the lot of you can't do yours! Sir Robert, Captain, escort the Queen! I'll deal with this myself. GO!"

And go they did. I drew my smuggled-in Colt.

Father Angelo's eyes met mine. "You can't win. You can't stop it."

I aimed. "No. But this can."

His eyes widened in recognition. How he knew the Colt, I didn't care to find out. So, I fired.

***BANG***

Right. The cellar.

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?"

"You know perfectly well where, you're just saying that to be funny."

"It's not an alien!"

"Yeah, figured that out! Everyone MOVE! GO, GO, GO, GO!"

"Come on!"

The werewolf was free of its cage now. Definitely not pureblood, but definitely alpha.

Bollocks. I knew what they intended now.

I slammed the cellar door shut. Rose and Jayne's faces stared at mine.

"Jayne, get them all armed, and away from here. When they're safe, there's a monastery down the road from here. Make sure they don't get any reinforcements."

**_"_****_Will do boss."_**

"Rose…"

"Witcher?"

I grinned. "Vamanos!"

* * *

The firing squad worked about as well as last time.

The bright spot was it gave Jayne and I the perfect opportunity to pick off what few guards there were blocking the escape.

I handed Jayne the Colt, as well as what ammunition I had left. Better not leave things to chance; if there were more werewolves around, I wanted the one weapon I knew would work in the hands of the one man I trusted with it. Once Jayne and the civilians were out and away, Rose and I hurried to the room where we knew we'd find both the Queen and her questionably competent guards.

"Your Majesty? Your Majesty!"

**"****Major! What's happening? I heard such terrible noises."**

"Your Majesty, we've got to get out of here. The front door's a bust, it's been boarded shut. If you'll forgive me, your Majesty, I'm afraid we shall have to escape via the window."

The Queen nodded, and through the door she went, us, Sir Robert, and the captain following.

"Excuse my manners, ma'am, but I shall go first, the better to assist her Majesty's egress."

**"****A noble sentiment, my Sir Walter Raleigh."**

"Yes, yes, get on with it please!"

Aaaaand of course they fired a warning shot.

"It's quite clear they don't want anyone leaving."

**"****Do they know who I am?"**

"Of course. That's why they want you. One bite from that thing, and you're no longer fit to rule, or so they'd claim. The Great War, a few years too early."

**"****Now stop this talk. It's not as if that's an actual wolf."**

I do have to say, perfect timing on the howling.

"I assume we run?"

"Well, I'm fresh out of silver, and I've got a plan, so yeah, RUN!"

Up the stairs, down the corridor, around the corner, until…

"I can hold it in this position. You all keep moving. Your Majesty, is it secured?"

**"****Yes Captain."**

"Then remove yourself, ma'am. Major, you stand as her Majesty's Protector. Sir Robert, if you wish to atone, you will assist him."

"Bullets won't work."

"But they'll buy you time. Now run!"

Running again. Seriously, it's a good thing I got the body I did when I fell, otherwise I'd be in some serious trouble.

Into the library, slam the door, barricade, and wait. Remember the other door! Slam it shut, barricade as well.

"I don't think it can get in. Something inside this room is keeping it out. Small mercies. You alright?"

"I'm okay, yeah."

"…I'm sorry, ma'am. Its all my fault. I should've sent you away. I tried to suggest something was wrong. I…thought you might notice. Did you think there was nothing strange about my household staff?"

"Well, when you spend as much time in the East as I have, bald and athletic becomes the norm."

**"****What, exactly, I pray someone please, what exactly is that creature?"**

"You'd call it a werewolf, ma'am. We're lucky; it's one of the smaller ones. If this was a pureblood, we'd be in a lot more trouble."

**"****And should I trust you, Major? You who claim to be part of a regiment long since disbanded, and who shows more than mere familiarity with creatures of this sort!"**

"…Ah. I don't suppose you'd believe my duty in Afghanistan was more of the unofficial type?"

**"****I'll not have it. No, sir, not you…not that thing…none of it. This is not my world."**

"I'm afraid, your Majesty, that its very much your world. And we've seen it in practically every corner of your Empire. It's our job to make sure no one else sees it."

* * *

"Viscum album, the oil of the mistletoe, it's been worked into the wood like a varnish. Your father was a remarkably prepared man, Sir Robert. Perhaps he was one of us based here."

**"****One of who, Major?"**

"We call ourselves hunters, your Majesty. But I think Sir Robert's father was a bit more than that: a true man of letters. Protecting his house with mistletoe, true genius."

"Nevertheless, that creature won't give up, Major, and we still don't possess an actual weapon."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that…Your Majesty. I believe you have something a great deal older, and a great deal more precious in your possession. Might I see it?"

**"…****Very well. I place it into your hands for safekeeping, Major."**

And with that, she reached into her bag, and withdrew…

A black diamond.

**"****The Koh-I-Noor. The greatest diamond in the world."**

No, no, no, no…

**"****Given to me as the spoils of war. Perhaps its legend is now coming true. It is said that whoever owns it must surely die."**

"…That's true of anything, if you own it long enough. But in this case, yes, I believe you're right; owning that particular diamond can't be good for your health."

"Witcher…it's another one."

"Yes, I can see that."

"But what's it doing here?"

"I don't know. And I hate not knowing."

**"****You know more than most of this diamond. And yet, I see you are surprised by something about it. I ask what?"**

"…Before I answer that, Your Majesty, I would beg to know one more thing. This wouldn't happen to be your annual pilgrimage to Helier and Carew, would it?"

**"****Yes. What of it?"**

"Your husband, he died with the diamond unfinished. There are a lot of unfinished things around here. But none so important, I think, as the Endeavour."

**"****The telescope?"**

"Yes, Your Majesty. There is a distinctive gap in the telescope's mechanisms; one that appears designed for the insertion of something else. I suspect, this diamond."

**"****A trap. A trap set by my husband, and Sir Robert's father, for the beast. And you learned of it."**

"Yes ma'am. But I fear it may be too late. Your husband pursued the perfect cutting, one that would eradicate the beast. And I have all the faith in the world that it would have worked. But here is where the 'star' part of 'stars and magic' comes in. This diamond, is not of this world."

**"****I knew there must be some other-worldly explanation."**

"Partially, yes, ma'am. The wolf, no, but this diamond…this diamond can only be found on a world long since lost. It contains immeasurable power; and your husband, in his desire to save your life, may have also cost you it. The cutting has gone too deep."

**"****Too deep? What do you mean?"**

"…I suspect, if we were to use it, the wolf would be vanquished, true enough, but the diamond…the diamond would not survive. It would shatter from the power. And all in this house would perish. What was a trap for you, became a trap for a wolf, became a trap…"

A cracking from the ceiling above.

"…For you again. OUT! OUT! OUT!"

And the werewolf crashed through the glass dome.

Tear down the barricade, rush out…

"Your Majesty!"

Slam the door, and run down the corridor.

"Gotta get to the observatory!"

"But you said…!"

"I know what I said! Now I need to know if it can be fixed!"

Sir Robert offered his usual helpful advice. "The observatory's this way!"

More running, this time up the central staircase. Then directly to the telescope, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

"No mistletoe on these doors, more proof of a trap. I just need…_time."_

Sir Robert snapped to attention. "Just do your work, and I'll defend it."

"Oh, no you don't. No one else is dying today."

He ignored Rose. "I said I'd find you time, sir."

"…Good man. But the lady is right; no more dying. Rose, you still have the…"

The Last Word appeared in her hand.

"…good. Space your shots, stagger the wolf. Aim for the eyes. Hard to hunt when you're blind. Sir Robert, I believe there's a sword on display there. You know what to do."

"…Yes sir."

"Excellent. And now, your Majesty, the diamond."

* * *

I really hate when things try to break down the doors.

There was no good way to place the diamond; there were just too many magnifying glasses. If I upped the power enough to kill the wolf, it would shatter. If I did just enough to contain it, it would shatter. If I did just enough to inconvenience it, it _might _not shatter, but we would all be dead. Not ideal.

The Queen was absolutely no help at all. Crucifixes and prayers, indeed. If it didn't work for the Winchesters, it certainly wasn't gonna work for us.

Wait a minute…

"Your Majesty, that crucifix wouldn't happen to be made of silver, now would it?"

**"****Of course, it is!"**

"Then I may have part of a plan. May I have it?"

She slowly held it out. Right; I'd never tried this before. In fact, I'd only ever seen it done a couple of times. Hopefully, it would work.

I concentrated on what I wanted, closed my eyes, and waved my hand.

**"****But…that's…that's not possible…"**

I opened my eyes. Sure enough, the crucifix had been transfigured into a sword.

**"…****You are a wizard…"**

"No ma'am. The Witcher. Sir Robert, catch!"

And he did, just as the door splintered.

***BANG***

The wolf howled and dove…right onto Sir Robert's outstretched blade. Another howl of pain came from the beast, and then it slammed Sir Robert into the opposite wall.

Then, it did something that made my blood run cold: it began to chuckle.

_"__Fools! I am magical! Silver has no affect on me! And now, you're out of ideas!"_

Well, he wasn't wrong.

He slowly began to pull the sword from his body. My mind raced through plans, discarding each one in turn. Not enough time for any of them.

The sword slid free. Time was up. I did the only thing I could think of:

"CASTIEL!"

_*THUNK*_

Was that…was that the Hogwarts Sorting Hat? Never mind; I jammed it onto my head, and yelled.

"I NEED THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR!"

_*THUNK*_

Should've thought that one through. Ow.

No time: the wolf was leaping. I pulled out the sword, and swung.

* * *

**"****By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub thee: Sir Witcher, of Northumberland. By the power invested in me by the Church and by the State, I dub thee: Sir Jayne, of Serenity. By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub thee: Dame Rose, of Northumberland. You may stand."**

"Many thanks, ma'am."

**_"_****_They ain't never gonna believe this back home…"_**

"Your Majesty, you said last night about receiving a message from the great beyond; in one way, you already have. Your husband cut that diamond to try and save your life. He's still trying to protect you, even from beyond the grave."

**"****Indeed. Then you may think on this, also: we are not amused with what you did to Father Angelo, Witcher. We understand it was necessary; but that was not for you to decide."**

Well, that was ten quid I owed Rose. "I understand, Your Majesty."

**"****And henceforth…"**

Here it comes…

**"****I charge you with the protection of this realm from all others."**

Hold on, what?

**"****It is obvious to me that you consort with stars and magic, and think it fun. But I now know my world is steeped in terror and blasphemy and death and I will not allow it! I ask you to take on a more serious attitude, and deal with whatever unnatural occurrences in my realm as you see fit. And reflect, I hope, on how, while you might not much longer survive this terrible life, you will at least have done some good in it. Now, go. And we shall await your return."**

* * *

**_"_****_Here's your gun back, boss."_**

"Thanks. Have any trouble with reinforcements?"

**_"_****_Nah, I took care of that easy. Didn't even need that super gun of yours."_**

"…Jayne, what did you do."

**_"_****_You said there was a Monastery down the road. And then you said to make sure they didn't get any reinforcements. Whatcha think I done?"_**

"…Are you telling me, you managed to wipe out an entire branch of the Templars, in their own territory, at night, all by yourself?"

**_"_****_What, like it was hard?"_**

"…Jayne, I don't think I'm paying you near enough."

**_"_****_Got that right."_**

"Witcher, I don't understand one thing. It said it was a magical werewolf. What does that mean?"

"Different breed than what I'm used to. Silver doesn't work on them; only things like decapitation and fire. Much easier for them to blend into society; much more control over their appetite."

"Hence the vegetarianism."

"Hence the vegetarianism."

"But why did they take only little boys?"

"To make a magical werewolf, you need a magical person. My guess? Muggle-born students that never got their Hogwarts letter."

"…Jayne, remind me to buy you a really big gun."

**_"_****_You got it."_**

"So, Templars show up undercover, get a vegetarian werewolf dropped in their laps they can use for purposes unknown, and then decide to lay in wait for the Queen?"

"Pretty much."

"What were the Templars even doing here?"

"The usual. Enslavement, subterfuge, sabotage. The only thing that truly worries me, is did they think they had a regular werewolf, or did they know they had a magical one?"

"…Good point."

I'd leave that for another time. The Sorting Hat had disappeared overnight (presumably to return to Hogwarts), but the Sword of Gryffindor had stuck around. And I was now having to lug it over hill and dale back to where we needed to be. Still, it wasn't really that far. In fact…

"Welp, we're here."

**_"…_****_Boss, did you hit your head? This is…"_**

"The same tree we crawled out of, yes I know. I remembered where I recognized it from. Either one of you have a magic bean?"

Two hands held one out, and I took Rose's. And tossed it down the hole.

"Time to go chasing rabbits."

"No…way."

"Yes way. Wonderland is quite real; and the fact this is both Alice's tree, and apparently a branch of Yggdrasill, is just plain destiny. After you."

"…. ALLONS-Y!"

She jumped. Jayne followed quickly after.

I took one last look around. This clearing was familiar to me for another reason, but that was for me and only me to know. Time to go.

"Way down we go!"

* * *

**"****Although we may not speak of these events in public, they'll not be forgotten. I promise you that. The ingenuity of your husband's father will live on."**

"But how?

**"****I saw last night that Great Britain has enemies beyond imagination, and we must defend our borders on all sides. I propose two institutions; one to deal with threats from the stars, and one to deal with that of magic. Those who work for these institutions shall bear one of two names: Winchester, and Campbell. And should our friend the Witcher bring news of threats he is unable to handle alone, then Torchwood, and the Men of letters, shall be waiting."**


	36. Chapter 36

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:36

**_"_****_Boss."_**

"Yeah Jayne."

**_"_****_Why's everything upside down."_**

"It's really very simple; it's not. We are."

**_"…_****_What."_**

"Watch this."

And I then proceeded to walk up the wall, until I was standing on the ceiling.

"Come up and see me some time!"

"Very funny."

"I thought so. Come on, come on, we haven't got all day!"

They joined me promptly forthwith.

**_"_****_Okay, that, was freaky. And I mean, _****_freaky._****_ I seen some freaky stuff lately, but that, I gotta say, was the freakiest."_**

"Yes, thank you Jayne, we get the point. And you ain't seen nothing yet. This way."

The familiar checkered floor clicked by under our boots, leading the way to…

"Mr. Magorium had a Door of Rooms. Welcome to Wonderland's Room of Doors."

**_"_****_What the…"_**

"I know. Everyone start checking for one that opens. If all else fails, we'll go through the original. Wouldn't care for it, but if there's a way back home, this place is the best bang for your bean."

We fanned out, and soon the air was filled with the sound of rattling doors. After trying a few (all locked, of course), I came to a screeching halt in front of a very particular one made of carved wood. It looked like the kind of door you'd see on one of those old stand-alone coat closets. Several engraved panels surrounded one larger one in the center, all depicting rather Edenic scenes. On the panel in the middle, a sunrise was etched in the background, and front and center was the large, looming, roaring form of a male lion. The rest of the door, I couldn't care less about, but that lion…I knew it. I didn't know how, but I did.

Slowly, I reached out, and turned the knob.

The door swung open.

"Hey guys…I found one."

In front of me floated a glowing, green portal.

"Yes! For once, we can just step through! No more awkward landings!"

She was already moving towards the door when I held my hand out in front of Her.

"Wait. Let's do this the safe way. I'm the one with a mask, I'll just…stick my head through, see what I can see. You two keep ahold of me to make sure I don't get sucked through or something. Okay?"

"…Fine."

My left hand gripped the door frame, and my right stretched back to hold both of Rose's. Jayne grabbed a bunch of my coat's material with both of his hands, then braced his feet against the walls on either side.

**_"_****_Ready boss."_**

"Good. Ready Rose?"

"Allons-y."

"Right."

I took a deep breath.

"Way down we go."

And stuck my head through.

* * *

"Buh-buh-buh-bingo! Jackpot! Home reality baby! Not the right time, but still, close enough! And getting Song and River to come pick us up will be a piece of cake."

**_"_****_Hold up, whaddya mean wrong time?!"_**

"Oops, would you look at that, gotta go! Seeeeee!"

And I jumped through.

"Oof."

I would've said it louder, but falling twenty feet to land on your face tends to leave you a little short of breath. I groaned.

"Seriously? Who puts a portal in mid-air, that high off the OOF!"

I forgot. Two people jumping through after me, which meant Rose would be coming through right about…

_*WHUMP*_

"Owwwwwww."

**_"_****_Boss? You okay?"_**

"Witcher?"

"Can't…breathe…"

The impression of Kirby I gave as my lungs desperately tried to draw in air was rather impressive, if I do say so myself.

"Where are we?"

"Can't we just…sit still, for five minutes?"

"Nope. C'mon, up and at 'em."

Another groan from me. "Fine. Although I distinctly remember you being the one to say, and I quote, 'no more awkward landings'. By rights, it should be you down here."

**_"_****_Yeah, and I remember something bout this being the 'wrong time'?"_**

"Ah. Yes. I'll get to that."

**_"_****_You'd better."_**

I slowly stumbled to my feet. "Anyone happen to see where my hat went?"

**_"…_****_Uh, boss…"_**

"What? Please tell me I haven't lost it."

**"****If you ask me, anyone crazy enough to use one of Pointdexter's crackpot contraptions has lost it. And I mean, completely."**

I rolled over…and was met with the sight of two older men.

Two very familiar older men.

"Seriously? Out of all the places in the universe to land, it's in front of you two? Why? Why does Fate hate me?"

Stanford Pines, aka Sixer, aka Ford, aka Pointdexter, aka one of the most dangerous men in the multiverse, adjusted his glasses. "I take it your arrival here was unplanned, then. Well, on behalf of this dimension, allow me to welcome you to Gravity Falls."

"…I kriffing hate dimensional travel."

**_"_****_You can say that again, Boss."_**

"If you insist. I kriffing hate…"

"Alright, that's enough of that! Right, introductions. My name is Rose Tyler. Who might you be?"

Ford inclined his head. "A pleasure to meet you, fair lady. My name is Stanford Pines, paranormal researcher and extra-dimensional traveler. The man standing behind me is my brother Stanley. And the world you are currently on is our version of Earth."

"Nice. Looks like we're one for three so far on dimension, time, and place."

I cracked my neck. "Not my fault. I go where the portals go."

**_"_****_And we sometimes wish you didn't, boss."_**

Ford cleared his throat. "I must say, I wasn't expecting such illustrious guests to be using my portal machine, or I would have certainly done my best to make your arrival a tad less…painful."

"S'alright. Wait, what do you mean, 'illustrious'?"

"Oh, I think it's safe to say I am well acquainted with your story, Miss Tyler; it's not everyone that manages to catch the attention of the Doctor. Many versions of you across the multiverse have done the same as well, including the one from this reality. You are truly a remarkable person."

"…Thank you?"

"Not at all. If I may be so bold, who are your two companions?"

**_"_****_HEY! I AIN'T NO…"_**

"He didn't mean it like that, Jayne. Sorry bout that, Mr. Pines, he's used to a rougher version of the world. May I present Jayne Cobb, crew-member of the _Serenity, _part-time mercenary, and all-time handy person to have around."

"I see. And that, of course, would make you…"

"Not the Doctor, I'm afraid." I stuck out my hand. "Name's the Witcher. Time Lord Unbroken, at your service."

Silence.

Then movement.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

**"****WHOAH! POINTDEXTER! WHAT'S WITH THE GUN!"**

A rather large blaster was now pointed directly at my face.

"THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS MEN IN THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE! HE'S GOT MORE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR HIM THEN EVEN I EVER DID!"

A second gun joined the first. **"I take it with that many folks looking for him, his reward would be…"**

"ENORMOUS!"

**"****Works for me!"**

Jayne finally reacted, his own revolver coming up to point at Ford. **_"HEY! Ain't nobody taking my ride home, much less the dude paying me!"_**

Yet another click as the Last Word joined the group. "Look, we don't want any trouble! Just…let us go, and we'll be out of your hair as soon as we can."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU ARE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOME DIMENSION, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!"

"Dude! Didn't you listen earlier? This is our home dimension!"

"…No, no, I refuse to believe it! YOU'RE LYING!"

"…Would a few million dollars convince you I wasn't?"

One gun barrel swiveled away from me.

"STANLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

**"****MONEY!"**

"I assure you, Stanley, the bounty on this man is substantially higher than a few measly million dollars!"

The gun swung back to me.

"Several million dollars, and an expunged criminal record."

Swing.

"STANLEY!"

Alright, enough was enough.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Ford? If you call the authorities on me, not only are you gonna have them poking around your own less than legal history, you will, inevitably, have to deal with me. Because when I escape, and I will escape, I'll come for you. And I suspect you know what happens to those I come for."

I would have sworn he was about to have an aneurysm. "Now, I'm sure we can be civilized about this. Just, put down the gun, and I'm sure we can work something out."

* * *

Several million dollars and an expunged criminal record later, we had worked something out.

Once Ford had realized I was not only a traveler of space, but time as well, and thus had yet to do any of the things I was apparently wanted for, he had what could only be described as a meltdown. He stormed off mumbling something about "bootstrap paradoxes" and "neutron flows" and rather unflattering terms about Time Lords. I thought it best to leave him be.

Stanley, however, was only too happy to roll out the poker cards (Jayne was only too happy to teach him new ways to cheat). Me admitting to a keen interest in Ducktective, but never having the time to pursue it, really got the conversation flowing. And once he got started on his amazing niece and nephew that visited every summer (guess who?), we got along like a house on fire. Literally. Whatever Ford was doing down in the lab, it ended with a lot of flames and the smell of old takeout seafood. And we of course got recruited to clean it all up.

Somewhere during all that, we found out that the second set of Pines Twins was expected back that week to start their vacation, hence the return of the Grunkles just before their arrival. Soos had taken the week off to go visit his girlfriend, so it was back to Stan and Wendy running the shop for now.

Rose, of course, offered to help out, but Jayne was quite forceful in his desire to reunite with the crew of _Serenity _as soon as possible (he didn't appreciate my joke that if Song and River were late, that might be a couple thousand years). And that was that.

In fact, it took only about twenty minutes from me strapping together spare parts from the basement to send a signal for the distinctive sound of the TARDIS to come whooshing through.

"Took you long enough, Song. I was beginning to think you'd left us here on purpose."

"If it was just you, you could have counted on it. But we gingers have to stick together."

"That's telling him."

But Song had noticed the rather distinctive building behind us. "Oh, my. Please tell me that's the real Mystery Shack."

"You know this place too?"

"Of course, sweetie. I'm an archaeologist from the future. It was one of my first stops."

"Sounds about right." I muttered.

"But I never got to see it in it's prime. And if I'm not mistaken, here comes the man himself: Stanford Pines!"

That stopped the still irate researcher in his tracks. "…No. It couldn't be. Professor River Song! One of the most famous explorers and archaeologists in the multiverse! This is an extreme pleasure!"

"Oh, I'm going to be a Professor someday? Witcher, why didn't you tell me?"

"…Spoilers."

"Yes, I thought as much. Tell me, Doctor Pines…"

"Ford, please."

"River then. Tell me, what were your thoughts on the M dimension? I myself have only made it as far as E-Space, so I'd quite like to hear about it firsthand."

"Of course. Well, as you would suspect, the further you travel along the alphabet, the more the.."

This could conceivably go on forever.

Jayne, thankfully, saw fit to intervene.

**_"_****_If you two is quite finished, I've got a hot date with a shower and some whiskey. So, if you don't mind…"_**

"Well, since you asked so nicely…I guess we'll have to continue this discussion another time."

"I look forward to it. Although I suspect you had better hurry up and return the TARDIS; best not to let the Doctor know it's being used to transport someone like..", here he glared at me, "_him."_

"Ah, but that's the thing isn't it? That is not, in fact, the Doctor's TARDIS. It's…"

"Mine. And don't you forget it, Stanford Pines."

"Boys, play nice."

"Yes boss."

Ford's eyes bugged out. "What fool would ever trust _him _with a TARDIS? What has the universe come to?"

"I shudder to think. Since it was the one that trusted me with it. Catch."

"…What's this?"

"Call it an insurance policy. Press the button, and it'll call me. Direct line. I know there are certain things that like to pass through here that can cause a great deal of trouble. And maybe, just maybe, you'd like some help from a fellow inter-dimensional criminal."

"I doubt that very much."

"Still. Keep it."

"…Very well."

"Witcher…"

"Alright, I'm coming. No rest for the wicked."

"Quite. I know River has missed you Jayne."

**_"_****_Yeah, I kinda missed the little scamp too. Don't tell her I said that."_**

"My lips are sealed."

"By the way, were there actually any of Borusa's students willing to change sides?"

"…Three."

"Out of how many?"

"…Three hundred."

"Ah."

"And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything to River; she's had a hard enough time of it."

"Understood. Where are they now?"

"I suspect the TARDIS' training room."

"Some things never change. Shall we go wipe the floor with them?"

"The two of us? Against three trained assassins? How dreadfully unfair for them."

"Alright, how bout we each go one on three, and the loser buys drinks for the others?"

"You're on. And I fully intend to make you spend every last credit you have on Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters."

"As if I wouldn't do that already."


	37. Chapter 37

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:37

Turns out summoning the Sword of Gryffindor during an informal martial-arts competition is considered "cheating", but smuggling in an indestructible spoon isn't. Go figure. So, after dropping off the three assassins on Karn to heal (both their minds and bruises), we headed directly to the biggest bar on Pelorum to get good and plastered. Oh, and to meet up with the rest of _Serenity's _crew. But, you know, priorities.

One enthusiastic reunion, two introductions of Inara to Song and Song to Inara, and quite a lot of Gargle Blasters later, the time of our departure could no longer be delayed with bribery, and we were forced to leave the premises. Roughly. None of us aside from River had any business flying a TARDIS, but there was absolutely no way we would make it back to the _Serenity's _docking bay without further incident, so we ended up flying anyway. Rose passed out in her room (I think), and I helped haul Jayne and Kaylee's unconscious forms to their bunks. Then, and only then, did I allow myself to crash like the Hindenburg.

When I finally came to, it was to the face of River Tam staring directly into my soul. Least that's what it felt like.

_"__Lorna was asking after you. And I think you were looking for her."_

"Something like that. Ugh. Just…give me a mo. Takes a lot to get a Time Lord knackered. I'll be fine in a bit. Any idea where she might be?"

_"__She is where she was, and will be, until you come."_

I blinked.

"Soooo…med-bay then?"

_"__Yes."_

"Could've just said so."

_"__And where would be the fun in that?"_

"…Fair point. Alright, I'm coming."

Lorna was asleep when we arrived. She looked a great deal better than she did the las time I saw her; more color, less bandages.

_"__She has to spend most of her time resting. Simon says so."_

"And one must always do what Simon says. So, should we wake her up, or wait?"

_"__Four, three, two, one."_

Lorna's eyes flew open.

I blinked once more.

"…Okay, that was creepy. And awesome. Please don't do it again."

_"__As you wish."_

"…You came back…"

I knelt beside Lorna's bed. "Hey, of course I came back. Sooner or later, I always do. River said you were asking for me?"

"…Yes…the Silence…we weren't supposed to know…but I found out…"

"Found out what?"

"They're…from the future…"

"Yes. So I gathered. If you want me to do something about that, I'm afraid I can't just yet."

"No…I know that…but you need to know…how they got here…"

"I assumed it was something along the lines of a stolen vortex manipulator, or some other such ex machina. I take it I was wrong?"

"Yes…"

"Pray tell then. Exactly how did the Silence manage to hitch a ride to the past?"

"They called him…Rain Man…never knew his name…just that he hated the Doctor…"

Well, that didn't narrow it down at all.

"…And he had a TARDIS…"

Okay, that narrowed it down quite a lot.

Not the Master, obviously, but almost definitely a Time Lord. The only question was, which one?

I intended to find out.

"…Thank you, Lorna. Not just for telling me that, but for helping at the Run. You were a good soldier."

"Thank you."

"How are you feeling?"

"Simon says I can get out of here tomorrow."

"That's not what I asked."

"…I'm fine. Just tired."

"…Okay. Well, we're definitely going to look into this 'Rain Man'. Maybe we'll even get lucky enough to find him. And I have it from a very reliable source it would be a good idea to have you along. Still want more out of life than just thirty seconds of the Doctor?"

"…More than anything."

"Alright. We leave as soon as Simon lets you go. Until then, rest up. We've probably got a lot of running ahead of us."

"… I hope so…thank you…"

"My pleasure."

Slowly, her eyes fluttered shut. Asleep again. Good. I stood up, turned around, and almost ran smack into River. Truth be told, I had almost forgotten she was there.

_"__You cannot stop the rain, Witcher. Not this time."_

"I stop whatever I like. But sometimes it's better to let it fall. If this…'Rain Man' is nicer than Borusa was (not a hard feat), then perhaps…perhaps we can come to an arrangement. I'd hate to see any more Time Lords die for no good reason."

I sighed. "Who knows if we'll even find him. Probably won't. Still, the fun is in the chase, eh?"

_"__So they say."_

"I owe Jayne a vacation, so that's one less person looking. How bout you? Care to come along?"

_"…__I can't. Not now. Not after…"_

"…Understandable. Things like that…you don't just walk off. You've probably talked to Song already; try talking to Rose. She's had some experience with things like that."

_"…__I will."_

"…Welp, better go see where Song wants to go. Or even if she's awake yet. Blimey, that woman can drink."

_"__It's a shame she can't hold it that well. That story about Jim the Fish was…entertaining."_

"Yeah…I always wondered exactly what happened. And now we know."

_"__Now we know."_

* * *

Song was not, in fact, awake. Impressive, considering where she was situated. I think it was safe to say I had absolutely no idea how she ended up atop of Jayne's dynamite stash, much less who put her up there considering Jayne himself was down for the count. Because there was absolutely no way she got that high without knocking over at least several crates of grenades.

This oughta be hilarious.

"GOOD MAAAAAAAAAAAARNIN' VIETNAM!"

Wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-CRASH!

And that's what happens when you try to wrap your arms around your head while suspended on top of a stack of boxes.

"Owwwwwwww…"

Huh. For once it wasn't me who said it.

"…What was in that drink?"

I shrugged. "You'd have to ask Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, apparently. He's the one that gave the recipe to the bar. We were just the first folks lucky enough to survive drinking it that weren't technically immortal. Sorry; I forgot people that drink his inventions usually end up only drinking them once, one way or another."

"…Sorry? My head feels like the Eye of Harmony, I can still hear that crash echoing around, I'm seeing at least double of everything, and all you can say is sorry?"

"What would you have me say, oh hungover one?"

"…Absolutely. Nothing. Your voice just by itself is making things worse."

"…Yeah, okay, that's fair. If you're feeling up to it in a bit, I'll have some hangover cures ready in the kitchen."

All I got in the form of response was a snore.

Really.

I mean, I've slept in some pretty precarious positions, but in the middle of a mound of explosives? Some people just liked to tempt Fate, I guessed.

* * *

Naturally, the only people aware enough to actually haul themselves into the kitchen were the Captain and Zoe. My money was on both Jayne and Kaylee being out of it for at least a day. Simon had stayed on the ship to look after Lorna, so we were spared at least one inebriation. I hope he never found out exactly how much actual drinking his sister had done; if he did, there would be Hell to pay for Jayne.

Cups of coffee were already steaming in front of the two vegetables (probably due to afore-said good doctor), so I let them be. Shouldn't be too hard to make a few cure-alls; I had to get pretty good at dealing with my own hangovers after that one time…

That really was one supreme bachelor party.

Trying to keep things down to a mild uproar, I rolled up my sleeves, and got to work.

It wasn't long before Inara swept into the room, poised as ever. "Please tell me you can spare one of those for me."

"Didn't think you'd need one, considering how well you held your own. But I think I can slip you one on the sly. Our secret."

"Indeed. Thank you. Is there any coffee left?"

I gestured. "As you can see, the enchanted sleepers have taken the whole pot."

A grunt I took to vaguely mean "Damn right we did" came from the Captain's bowed head.

"I'll see if I can scrounge up some more after I get done blending this. Til then, I guess just take a seat."

She nodded, and sat. I slid a cure-all in front of her, and went back to my mixing.

"He's afraid of you, you know."

"Who?"

"Mal. He's put so much of his soul into this ship, this crew. And here you come out of the blue, someone who's seen more worlds than he can imagine. Rich enough to do whatever the hell you like, or pay people to do it. Charming enough to get practically the whole crew to warm up to you. And the only thing he can see is someone who could replace him in an instant."

"…I never thought about it like that." I sighed. "What should I do?"

"…Leave. At least for a while. Give him a chance to remind them why he's still their Captain."

"…Planning a trip anyways. Might as well leave well enough alone here."

I poured the last of the drinks and set it on the table. "If Jayne or Kaylee come through, make sure they get one of these."

"Will do boss."

"Stop that. Now, I anticipate being long gone by the time these two come around. Tell them it was a matter of some urgency, and I didn't wish to disturb their rest. If what you said about Mal is true, you should probably give this to Zoe instead."

"What is it?"

"Big red button. I can use it to find you, and you can use it to send a big old alarm asking me for help. Don't abuse it; unless its because Jayne got pranked or something equally hilarious."

"Got it."

I grabbed one of the drinks from the table. "Time to go wake up a certain archaeologist. Tell everyone I'll catch them on the flip side."

"Of course."

And out the door I walked.

* * *

"Gah! Who does that?! Who takes a look at someone asleep, who would quite obviously like to remain asleep, and decides 'You know what? I think I'll dump a bucket of water on their head!'"

"Me. Be grateful it was just your head; I was sorely tempted to leave you with wet clothes as well. But I know how much work that hair takes to dry, so what can I say except you're welcome. Drink this."

"…It smells like sewage."

"Probably tastes around the same. But it's the best thing I know of to deal with hangovers. Now drink."

"…. Surprisingly, it doesn't taste as bad as it smells…It's worse."

"But the headache is gone right?"

"…Yes."

"Then quit yammering. Up and at 'em. We got things to do, places to see, people to kill."

"Promises, promises. What mischief must we manage today?"

"Hey, I like that, I'm keeping it. And to answer your question, we're going hunting for the means of the Silence's egress to the past."

"…Interesting. Might I ask why?"

"Because the dear Miss Bucket was kind enough to provide me with enough of a description that our culprit could, conceivably, be a Time Lord."

"…The Rain Man."

"You've heard of him, then."

"Yes. And I can't help you with him. Not yet."

"Let me guess: spoilers."

"Something of the sort."

"Nice to know I survive, at least. Well, if you're not coming along, mind telling me where I can drop you?"

"Stormcage, if you don't mind."

"Still haven't let you out, then? Shame. As the fair lady wishes, then. To the med-bay to pick up our little soldier, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars."

"And don't forget a towel for my hair."

* * *

Rose had slept through the entire flight. I hadn't the heart to disturb her; she'd spent far too long without sleep as it was. Lorna spent the entire time sewing something in the corner; not much for conversation she was. That was fine by me; Song more than made up for it.

"You can't just feather the dampers whenever you like!"

"Oh yes I can! The Old Girl said so!"

"Yeah? And which of us has actually read the manual?"

"Hah! You actually read that dusty old thing? And here I was thinking you were smart!"

*BLAT* _*SPLOOT*_

"Hah! Mustard! Serves you right for smack-talking the manual!"

*BLAT _*SPLOOT*_

"Well, would you look at that! Now we're both ginger!

"Ketchup? Really Old Girl?"

*BEE-OO-WAT*

"Really? You _can_ feather the dampers?"

"BEE-WHOO*

"Huh. The more you know. Alright, we'll call it a draw. Better get this mess cleaned up before we land. Oi, I see you over there!"

"I wasn't laughing." said Lorna, laughing.

"Lies. Deceptions. Now give us a hand."

"Can't. This is important."

"More important than condiments? Rubbish. Now, where did you leave that towel?"

*WHACK*

"…. Oh, it's on now!"

* * *

"When can we do this again, Doctor Song?"

"Soon. You'll see."

"Looking forward to it."

Halfway back to the TARDIS…

"Witcher."

"Yes, Song?"

"Do you know why they named this place Stormcage?"

"Well, seeing as there's no such thing as a coincidence, I'd say they named it for a certain Oncoming Storm we both know."

"No, actually. They named it after someone else entirely; the Storm Caller."

"…I know that name."

"Yes, I thought you might."

"Is that who's been leaving me these?"

I pulled out one of my Gambit coins.

"Spoilers."

"…Figures. Continue."

"The Storm Caller did the same as the Doctor; he got too big. But he didn't take any warnings to heart when he did. He couldn't. There was no one left who held a place in his heart that could make him stop. So, they built this cage to hold him, for all eternity. They couldn't kill him; not wouldn't, couldn't. And they say he sits there still, at the heart of the prison, having learned his lesson too late. You need to remember, Witcher, that what makes a bad day for the Doctor, is just a day for a soldier. You are not a doctor; but you still have bad days."

I swallowed. "…Noted."

"Now, run along sweetie! You've got miles to go before you sleep. Catch you on the flip side."

"…Catch you, Doctor Song."


	38. Chapter 38

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:38

"Nothing. Zip, nada, zilch. We've been looking for _weeks, _gone over every single scrap of information we stole from Demon's Run, and _nothing!"_

"Well, we've looked in all the places someone might think to hide from the Doctor. Maybe we should try the opposite."

"…You lost me."

"Well, it was pretty obvious Borusa was a trap, right?"

"…Yeah?"

"Well, maybe we should try looking for more traps like that."

"And if they're not the one we want, we will inevitably get sidetracked into dealing with it anyways to try and keep the Doctor out of it. Which is something we don't have the time for. Least not anymore."

"I have a suggestion."

"Finally! The Iron Bucket speaks! Lay it on us, Lorna."

"…Have you considered putting a bounty out for information on this 'Rain Man'?"

"…Ah. Well. As a matter of fact…no."

"…You mean to tell me, we've been sitting with our heels up, for weeks, doing nothing, when we could have just been paying somebody to do our looking for us?!"

"…Yes?"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Impressive. Practically every square inch of the floor was now covered in paper. Gingers always seemed to leave a mess behind whenever they stormed out of a place.

"Lorna."

"Yes Witcher?"

"How long have you been sitting on that little brainstorm?"

"…About a week?"

"…Did you really think we'd already tried that, or were you just enjoying yourself at our expense."

"…Yes."

"…Remind me to never let you and Doctor Song sit in the same room."

* * *

"We got a hit!"

Lorna and I rushed over to the viewscreen.

"Relatively short hop to the future. Sun-side of a planet called... oh, no."

I took a look for myself.

"…Oh, yes. Makes perfect sense to me. Mercury's always been close to instabilities in the timeline. So unstable in fact, I suspect you might even be able to slip halfway out of the Time War, and guide others to your location to do your dirty work for you. The fact Mr. Rain Man has apparently decided to set up shop in a place called 'The Lighthouse' clenches it. Looks like you were wrong about one thing, Rose."

"What's that?"

"Whoever this is, they definitely didn't want to trap the Doctor. They wanted to observe him. Why else would they hide so close to Earth, the Doctor's most frequented planet. That, plus the fact that this 'Lighthouse' seems to flicker in and out of reality, as well as any information on both it and its occupants whenever someone notices it, just clenches it. Either a TARDIS, or a hell of a good SEP field."

"SEP field?"

"Somebody Else's Problem. Almost as good as invisibility, and costs way less."

"Yes, well, all that would actually mean something, if it weren't for the name on the tip."

"…Ah."

"Just because this Rain bloke doesn't want to attract the Doctor's attention, doesn't mean he's below giving out his location if it'll get him some money."

"So, still could be a trap."

"Perhaps. And it's better to be safe than sorry. After all, someone who would sell out themselves for just a little extra cash has to be dishonest. And a dishonest man, you can always trust to be dishonest."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Honestly.

"Exactly! Throw on your spacesuits, people. Looks like we're stepping out into the light blinking."

* * *

"When you said 'Lighthouse', I was expecting, I dunno, an actual lighthouse."

"Since when have Time Lords ever done things the simple way? The grander, the better, in their opinion. Until there's not a trace left of the original purpose."

It wasn't, technically, a lie. Time Lords did love their pomp and circumstance. But they hadn't built this place. And its original purpose was perfectly clear to me. I always wondered what happened to the original Lighthouse; now I knew. Subverted from its natural timestream and used as an anchor to keep…something…from slipping back into the depths of the Time War. And somethings like that were usually bad news.

"You sure you want to come along, Lorna? I can think of only a few individuals crazy enough and clever enough to do things like this, and none of them have a very high tolerance of humans."

"My idea. My fight. Now move. Before I start pushing you."

"Oooo, I like her."

"Yes, you would. Fine. Just watch where you step. These suits aren't exactly mint condition. And there are worse things on this planet that aren't flickering in and out of existence."

"Understood."

It was a relatively short walk; my parking skills had improved spectacularly. Getting to this place was hard enough as it was (ironic), but having to navigate around objects that may or may not be there when you went by just added to the challenge. I suppose they'd call it a quantum asteroid field; never mind they weren't asteroids, and had nothing to do with quantum anything. Typical.

"…. Do we just knock?"

_*CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLICK-BOOM*_

"…Or we could just walk in."

"What if it is a trap?"

"Then we do what good soldiers do; fight. And it is undoubtedly a trap. Be on your guard; reality is fluid here. This place can separate you from your team like…"

_*WHOOSH*_

"…that. Funny. The instant I get to the Lighthouse, instantly booted from fireteam. Story of my life. Welp, only one way to go now: forward."

* * *

"This is wrong. Where did all these stairs come from? There should be Vex portals all over the place. Speaking of they Vex, where are they? Even if they were all killed, there ought to be at least some radiolaria stains on the floor."

But there weren't. No signs of the Vex ever existing here, something that both relieved and worried me at the same time. Whichever Time Lord called this place home had obviously figured out a way to anti-Vex the surrounding area. Which made me question if the TARDIS had been let through on purpose. Oh, who was I kidding, of course it was. Wish there was more I could do than just lock it, but trying to package it one second out of sync with reality was dangerous in a place where reality was out of sync with itself. Belgium 2.0.

A skittering behind me interrupted my train of thought.

Odd; I didn't recall anything insectoid ever making Mercury its home. Perhaps a Cabal War Beast. If the Cabal were the ones responsible for the lack of Vex, they probably had a mutual agreement with the Rain Man. Not good. I needed more information. I crouched in the corner to wait and see what came by.

Yep, War Beast. But one unlike any I had ever seen before. It was practically transparent, seeming at times to fade completely from sight. It was clearly injured, limping the way it did. And stuck on its back, was the second largest beetle I'd ever seen.

Bollocks.

"Trickster's Brigade. Well that explains the lack of Vex. Infinite food supply meets perfect predator. They must have withdrawn. But why would a Trickster attach itself to something with as low of a potential as a War Beast?"

It was right about then I realized said dog was looking directly at me.

Double bollocks.

* * *

One rather scrappy fight later, I had at least part of an answer.

The Trickster hadn't been attached of its own accord. It had been surgically placed there, permanently, in such a way that the beetle and the dog were sharing one set of necessary organs. I almost threw up on the spot.

There was only one person I knew who loved both larger than normal animals, and cruel genetic experiments. Looks like the negotiations were definitely going to be short.

Still, it was a fascinating attempt at a new method of invisibility. The theory seemed to be the beetle shunted you sideways in reality, just enough that you disappeared in space, but not time. The resulting energy fed the beetle, and you gained the ability to infiltrate practically anywhere you wanted. It wasn't perfect by any means; the invisibility gradually faded when you moved in space, draining the beetle's energy reserves. But brilliant, nonetheless.

But why would…

Oh. Duh. Aside from the obvious uses (cough, cough, Weeping Angels), I could think of one spectacularly good reason a certain Time Lord might have for continuing this line of experimentation. Looks like I was gonna have a great deal of leverage to use. If I ever reached the top that was.

I sighed, wiped the guts off my boots, and continued up the stairs.

* * *

"So that's what happened to the Ark of the Covenant. I always wondered. Figures it ended up being the final chest here. Don't know why I didn't see it before."

"People tend to see everything but the blindingly obvious. Such as the marvelous view you can get up here."

"…Rain Man, I presume."

"Got it in one."

"I was expecting someone…"

"What, lighter? You try living this close to a Sun sometime, see how dark your skin turns. Now, I haven't got all day, so get to the point. What's important enough about little old me that someone would put out a bounty that big on my head?"

"Not your head. Your mind. There's a difference."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Impressive work, this. Dragging this place out of an alternate reality just to try and use it as a bridge to this one, short-circuiting both the Vex and the Trickster's Brigade, but most interesting of all, managing to smuggle several hundred people backwards in time while you're trapped here. You've been playing with fire, Rain Man. Or should I say…Rani?"

His lack of visible reaction spoke volumes.

"Now, I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I would like to point out that that little escapade with the Silence, no matter how profitable it may have been, almost had some rather nasty consequences. It almost drove the Doctor over the edge, and that's something this reality most assuredly does not need. Or have you forgotten the Valeyard?"

A flicker of fear on his face.

"If you were running out of funds trying to escape this place, I'm sure there would be more than enough people interested in this place that would cough up all the money you needed and more. Oh, wait, I'm forgetting. You were ordered to remain hidden here, weren't you? But you just couldn't resist making the Doctor's life a little more difficult. And that's going to cost you."

"Who are you? Really?"

"I've had many names, but the one I answer to around here is the Witcher."

"…I've heard of you. Cold, efficient, ruthless. Some would even say…_soulless."_

I bowed. "I thank you for the compliments. But I'm just a man doing a job."

"Yes. I think you are. And you do it rather well. It's a shame I'm going to have to kill you."

_*FWOOSH*_

"Uh, uh, uh. Not today. You can just take a seat while we have what I call aggressive negotiations."

He stared down at the chair and ropes that had appeared around him. "So, it is true. You really are magical. I thought Rassilon wiped out magic here ages ago."

"Oh, he did. I'm just not from around here. Now, here's what's going to happen."

*SCHLUNK*

"Oh, would you look at that. I've never seen a gray heart before. Black, yes. And I think I can take a fair guess at which black heart this thread belongs to. Make a deal with Rassilon did we?"

"We were losing the War. The council decided to bring him back. They needed one final soul to do it. I was the one unlucky enough to be volunteered. Still, at least I got immortality out of the deal."

"And what an immortality. Permanently tied to Rassilon's will. Now, I know you've been trying to shunt yourself sideways in Time as well as space; that's what the Tricksters were for. Find a way to transfer to an alternate timeline, one without this nasty little binding on your soul, but keep what you learned in this one. Of course, you told the old fogey you were merely trying to escape this state of existence, stuck between one world and the next. Huh. I guess that makes you this world's equivalent of a ghost."

"Would you get to the point already. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to ramble more than the Doctor, but you are rapidly proving me wrong."

"Harsh. Now, here's the deal I'm offering. I have a way to magically remove the parasite. You'll no longer be tied to Rassilon. You'll be free to get in your TARDIS, and fly off wherever you like. I'm assuming you've already perfected the way to get un-stuck from here, yes?"

"…Yes."

"Good. In return, I would have two things from you: your black diamond…"

His eyes widened.

"Oh, don't bother denying it. I've already dealt with Borusa, and he had one as well. Had being the operative word."

"…Borusa's dead?"

"As a doornail. And in such a way he won't be coming back. Ever."

"…I always hated that man. You have my thanks."

"Pleasure. The second thing I'm gonna need, is one of your failed beetle experiments. They have apparently worked wonders on your local Vex problem, and I think I can put it to good use elsewhere doing the same."

First the Last Word, now Kephri's Sting. Fate was smiling on me today.

"You actually want one of those abominations? Help yourself. Just keep in mind I deserve at least part of the cut from whatever profits you make on it."

"Will do. Aaaand, I think that's it."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"…Probably."

"Your friends you came here with. What will you offer me for them?"

"Absolutely nothing."

I glanced back. "Took you long enough."

"You didn't say anything about aliens with flamethrowers that talked in Cockney accents."

"Ah yes, the Cabal. I assume your experiments?"

The Rani hissed. "Yes."

"Shame. Looks like you're gonna have to replace the whole lot."

"Why you…"

"Stop."

He did.

"Now, do you take the deal, or not?"

"…Very well. Cut away."

"Diamond first. Where's it at."

"Where do you think?"

"…Bold move, even for me."

He smirked. "What, afraid of a little divine judgement?"

"I wouldn't put it past Him. But it's your booby-traps I fear more. How do I open it?"

"A flawless victory, how else?"

"Figures."

My feet turned towards the Ark.

"Witcher, he could be lying."

"Not while I'm holding this, he can't."

"Is that…"

"His heart, yes. Now please shut up while I figure this out."

Three tumblers, ten numbers each. One thousand combinations. Sloppy. But if I knew the Rani, there was instant death behind every wrong answer.

"Flawless…nine…three…got it."

Three, three, three. Easy peasy.

One black diamond went into my pocket, and what was left I tossed to…

"What's this?"

"Doctrine of Passing Auto Rifle. Adept version. One of the best guns ever. Fair warning: it kicks like a mule."

The Rani was flabbergasted. "But…that's…not possible…that wasn't there earlier…"

"Yes, well, unlike you, I've actually gone flawless. Now, how about that beetle?"

* * *

"That just looks wrong."

"What? It's just a beetle."

"They're not supposed to disappear like that."

"Nothing's supposed to disappear like that. That's the point. This should make an excellent gauntlet."

"You're not planning to wear that are you?"

"Of course. But invisibly."

An obvious sigh of relief from both of the ladies.

"If none of you object, I'd really like to get out of these ropes and off this planet as soon as possible."

"Of course. Now, this is going to take some very precise cutting. So Rose, don't move your hands an inch. Otherwise things are gonna get quite macabre quite quickly."

"Got it."

I summoned the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Hey, wait a minute…"

*ZING!*

_*SNICK*_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

"You can stop screaming now."

"One second. AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Okay, I'm done. Now get me out of here."

"Nuh uh uh. We're not idiots. You'll get out of there soon enough. But not until after we're well away."

I shoved his heart back in his chest. "Enjoy your mortality, Rani. It's all you've got in life. Catch you on the Flip Side."

"Not if I catch you first."

"Fair enough. Til then."

* * *

"You know, I'm just now realizing how ironic it is Borusa ended up on a planet called Osiris, of all things."

"Why is that ironic?"

"Fella named Osiris used to live on Mercury. Ran a group of trials named after himself. Used to be, the only way you could get to that very Lighthouse was by getting a flawless victory. And you usually got some sweet, sweet armor and weapons out of the deal."

"Time Lord?"

"You could call him that, I suppose. Bit of an egoist."

"Definitely Time Lord, then."

"You make a valid point."

"So, who was he? The Rain Man."

"Time Lord as well. One of the Doctor's old classmates, in fact. Should've realized earlier; gave himself an anagram as a name, with a modifier to glaringly point out why the name change. Her original name was the Rani."

"…Oh. I get it now."

"Yeah, bit slow of me. Still, all's well that ends well. Where would you two like to see next?"

"…Can I ask a favor?"

"Of course."

"My mum and dad. They were worried sick for me the whole time I was…can I see them? Please?"

"…Oh, alright. You didn't have to lay it on that thick, you know."

Lorna grinned. "I know. But it was fun. And I need more material for this."

"You ever gonna let us know exactly what 'this' is?"

"Nope. Not til its finished."

"Shame. Alright then, one stop in the Gamma Forests, coming right up!"

* * *

"Oh, that's magnificent! I'm going to wear _lots _of jodhpurs!"

"Not him. Wrong box. But _she _is still worth grabbing. That's Melody Pond, the woman who kills the Doctor."

* * *

"Records available."

"Question. I'm dying. Who wants me dead?"

"The Silence."

"What is the Silence? Why is it called that? What does it mean?"

"The Silence is not a species. It is a religious order, or movement. Their core belief is that silence will fall when the question is asked."

"What question?"

"The first question. The oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight."

"Yes, but what is the question?"

"…Only two individuals are known to possess that information. Human female, designation Fenchurch, and Time Lord, designation Witcher."

"Oh. Well, fat lot of use that is, you big ginge. Call yourself a Records ARGH! Argh! Kidneys are always the first to quit. I've had better, you know."


	39. Chapter 39

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:39

I always loved it when I got to this part of the story. Rose had already heard it, and her reaction was hilarious. I couldn't wait to see Lorna's.

"So of course, the very first thing I do is, you guessed it, open the door."

"And? What was in the room?"

"Oh, not much. Just the largest, angriest, white AUGH!"

"An Augh? That's new, don't think I've ever heard of that before."

"Oh, shut it! This is important!'

"What, that little piece of paper?"

"Not just any paper; psychic paper."

"You mean like the Doctor's?"

"Yes. And that's the problem."

"Problem? What do you mean, problem?"

"This message, it was supposed to go to the Doctor's copy."

"Message? What does it say?"

"…'Please save me from the monsters.'"

"…Pretty cut and dried, then. Taking care of monsters is, apparently, our job. I'm not seeing the problem."

"I am. The Doctor, he took care of this in your world, didn't he?"

"Yes. And since the message has made its way to me, I can't be sure he's gotten it too. Hence, I can't be sure whether or not he'll be there."

"So? If he's not, we handle it."

"You're not getting it; if both the Doctor and I have gotten the message, then when we show up to fix it, we could crash right into each other. And then everything I know about how this turns out gets thrown out a window. So, do we ignore the message, and hope the Doctor handles it, or do we go, and thereby risk everything turning out catastrophically?"

"…I assume that's not an exaggeration."

"No. It is not."

"…We go. Saving people may be the Doctor's job, but stopping the monsters? That's ours."

"I agree. We can't just let things like maybes and might-have-beens stop us. We've got a job; let's do it."

"…Okay. Next stop, Eastenders-land."

"…Is that the actual name of the place, or are you just being insulting."

"Oi!"

* * *

"No offence, Doctor…"

"Meaning the opposite."

"…But we could get a bus somewhere like this."

"The exact opposite."

"Well, I suppose it can't all be planets and history and stuff, Rory."

"Yes, it can. Course it can. Planets and history and stuff. That's what we do. But not today. No. Today, we're answering a cry for help from the scariest place in the universe. A child's bedroom."

* * *

"Really? This kid managed to send a message to psychic paper?"

"Not a kid. Tenza. Like a cuckoo, but nice. And powerful. And right now, scared. Not a good combination."

"So, we're looking for this kid, or either of these people?"

"His adoptive parents, yes. Remember, don't let on how much you know. All we know is about the monsters. And…"

"Avoid the creepy old lady and the bins, we know."

"And the lift. Don't forget the lift, it's very important."

"Right. Got it."

"I mean it. Take the lift, and its ragdoll physics for you. Literally."

"And what do we do if we see the Doctor?"

"You let him do whatever he wants. Do not interfere."

"And if he sees us?"

"Well then we're all bollocksed, aren't we? Don't lie about the monsters, or the paper. Let him think whatever he wants about that."

"And if he asks who I am?"

"…You do as you see fit. If you think it'll distract him too much, lie. If you want to let him have both barrels, shout it from the rooftops. This is yours, Rose. Own it."

"…Okay."

"And what are you going to be doing during all this?"

"Oh, didn't I mention? I'm taking the lift."

* * *

"Maybe it was, you know, junk mail."

"What?"

"The message on the psychic paper. Maybe it was just nothing."

I stood up from my crouch at the back of the lift, and let myself fade back into sight. Man, I loved this gauntlet. "Not nothing, I'm afraid."

"SHI…"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT! I'm a nurse, it's my job to treat heart attacks, not have them!"

"Yes, well, needed to make sure I was here at the right time. I believe you were just about to hit the button for the fourth floor. Oh, and you might want to…"

The elevator dropped.

"HOLD ON!"

* * *

"Amy? Amy, are you here?"

"Yeah, here, No, here. Its me."

"I'm here too, in case anyone cares."

"We don't. You okay Amy?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"What happened to the lift? We were in a lift, weren't we?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember getting in, _him _scaring the crap out of me, and then…what?"

"We're dead aren't we."

"Afraid not, Mr. Pond. We are, in fact, far worse off."

"Worse? What could be worse than being dead?"

"Being where the monsters are. Now we just need to find out exactly where that is."

"Wait, hold up, why are you even here? You knew that lift was gonna take us…wherever this is, how? Are you the one who sent the message to the Doctor?"

"One thing at a time, Mr. Pond! I assure you; I did not send the message I think you are referring to. In fact, I suspect I received the exact same thing on my own paper. Look for yourselves."

"…It looks fake."

"Its psychic paper, everything about its fake. And as for this lift, did you really think someone like me, who makes it my business to hunt monsters, wouldn't notice the crazy readings it was giving off? I was content waiting for one of the uglies to try and use it, when you two walked right in. Now we're gonna have to make our way through unfamiliar territory, and of the three of us, I'm the only one armed."

Slight lie about the waiting, but everything else was pretty much spot on.

"The Doctor doesn't like guns. Neither do we."

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you were a Roman. Tell me, Centurion, would you like a sword instead?"

I summoned the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Or was Demon's Run nothing but an act for you? Either you defend everyone, or you defend no one. Life doesn't let you choose when you have to fight, much less who you fight for."

The Sword went back into…wherever it went when I dropped it.

"Was…was that…"

"Magic? Yes Pond, it was. And that's all I'll say about that. Now, vamanos!"

* * *

"You know, it's obvious what's happened."

"Yeah? Really? Cause its not obvious to me."

"The Tardis has gone funny again. Some time slippy thing. You know, the Doctor's back there in Eastenders-land and we're stuck here in the past. This is probably seventeen hundred and something."

"Rory, Rory, Rory. That is most definitely _not _how the TARDIS works. If anything, this place is in the exact same time as the Doctor. We're just stuck on another plane of reality. One created by a very powerful psychic presence, by what my nose tells me."

"Funny, I thought the nose was Rory's thing."

"Score one point for the Scottish! And the gingers, come to think of it. Let's keep moving."

* * *

"Bit neglected, wherever this is."

"What, you think these monsters are the kind to clean up after themselves? I doubt it. If my instincts are right, the front door should be…that way."

"Why would we want to find the front door?"

"Obvious exit point for this quite obviously distorted spot in Time and Space, do try and keep up."

"Guys?"

"Hmm?"

"Look at this."

"Well, it's a copper pan."

"No, it's not. Its wood. Its made of wood and just painted to look like copper."

"That is stupid."

"Not if you're cooking with electric current, it's not."

"Hang on…there's a switch."

_*CLICK*_

"See? Electricity. Definitely not the seventeen hundreds. Start looking through these drawers; maybe there's a knife or something we can use to jimmy the front door."

"You think it'll be locked?"

"When is it ever not?"

"…Good point."

I, of course, had a lock pick set, as well as my mask. And there was no way we were getting out the front door. I just needed them to look long enough to find…

"…It's an eye. It's a glass eye."

And there went Rory's torch.

"Stop doing that."

"It's not me."

They both turned to glare at me.

I held up my hands. "Not me either. Now come on."

"Yeah, hang on."

"…Well thought, Pond. You're learning. A regular Rapunzel with a frying pan."

"Just shut up and let's go."

"As you wish."

* * *

"Oh! At last... ARGH!"

"What is it?"

"No doorknob. Wooden pans, a massive glass eye, and now no doorknob."

"And this clock."

"What?"

"Look, the hands. They're painted on."

"…Ah."

"Witcher? What is it?"

"…The reason I never saw the monsters come out of the lift, is they couldn't."

"What?"

"One-way door. This place…it isn't the monsters'. It's someone else's trap for them. And we just stumbled into where the bait goes."

"How can you tell?"

Echoes of laughter flickered through the air.

"…Because they're here. We cannot get out. And they are coming."

"You've got a sword, chop down the door!"

"And let the monsters out? I bloody think not!"

"…They're getting closer."

"Here. The laughter's coming from here."

"No, wait, Rory don't…!"

The door swung open.

"…Oh. It's just a…its just a dummy. Oh, it's just a dummy."

"…I wish you were right, Pond. Unfortunately, I can think of at least three very bad things that like to masquerade as dolls. Rory, how bout you…shut that door. Quietly. And pray you didn't wake it up."

He did so.

"…This is bad. And it's weird."

"Yeah, says the time-traveling nurse. Come on, we've got to find another way out of here."

* * *

"Why aren't there any lights? I miss lights. You don't really miss things till they're gone, do you? It's like what my nan used to say. You'll never miss the water till the well runs dry."

"Rory."

"Except light, I mean, not water. Lights are great, aren't they? I mean if this place was all lit up, we wouldn't even be worried at all."

"Rory! Panicking, a bit."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry."

"Completely understandable. Just make like Arthur Dent, and don't panic."

"…Help me, please…keep them away from me…keep them away! AAAAAAAAAA!"

"…I take it back. Panic now. RUN!"

_"…Don't run away…we want to play…"_

"Yeah, no thank you! I'd rather play with the Winter Queen!"

"Lock the door!"

"There isn't one! No, no, no, no!"

"Come on! You've got a sword, do something!"

"What? Disarm them? All they have to do is touch you once!"

"We can't stay in here! We've got to get out!"

"How?!"

I slammed the door shut again. "I've got an idea, but I've only ever done it once."

"Oh, that's comforting!"

"And I've never done it with multiple people."

"Oh, even better!"

"Shut up Rory! Whatever it is, just do it!"

"Right! On three, let go of the door, and grab onto me."

_"…Time to play…"_

"One, two, three!"

There was a flash of smoke, and…nothing.

"…Ah. Looks like whoever's running this thing is learning. No magic in here, guys."

"Witcher!"

"Ah, yes. RUN!"

"Amy, come on!"

"Rory!"

"Amy! Get off!"

"Rory, go!"

_"…Tick, tock, goes the clock, and all the years they fly. Tick, tock, and all too soon, you know who will rise…"_

Wait…those weren't the original lyrics…oh bollocks.

"Keep going, Rory!"

I only knew one You-Know-Who.

I needed to get to back to Pete's World. Yesterday.

* * *

"Rory!"

"Doctor!"

"Witcher?!"

"Alex! …What? I didn't want him to feel left out."

"Where's Amy?"

Rory pointed.

"Oh no…George! George! You have to face your fears!

* * *

"Please George, you have to end this! End this! End it! End it now!"

And there he was, along with…Lorna and Rose?

"George. George, you did it. You did it. Hey, it's okay. It's all okay now. Everything's going to be fine."

"Ask him, George. Ask him."

Things must have gone better than I thought if Rose had already gotten through to him.

"…Are you going to send me away?"

Alex stumbled down the stairs and pulled his son into a hug. "Oh, George. Whatever you are, whatever you do, you're my son, and I will never send you away. Oh George. Oh, my little boy."

"…Dad."

"My little boy…"

"…Dad."

"…What."

I patted the Doctor on the back. "Your turn to be the slow one Doctor. My condolences."

"…What."

And then the world faded into the light.

* * *

"…Was I…"

"Yeah."

I pushed past them. "If you'll excuse me, I have a potential explosion to prevent."

* * *

Oh, that look. I knew that look. David Tennant had made it the last time. And now Eleven was doing exactly the same, watching Rose and Lorna with George.

"So…you know then."

He half-turned, and stared at the ground. "She didn't tell, if you were wondering. But it wasn't that hard to figure. You…you saved her…from what, I'm not, exactly, sure. But you did. How…how can I ever repay you?"

"Simple. Do your best to avoid her from now on. She's not part of your world anymore, Doctor."

A flash in his eyes. "And I suppose she's part of yours?"

"Quite the opposite. I'm her companion, not the other way around. Rose does as Rose pleases."

"…Yeah. She sure does. …She looks nice with George, don't you think?"

"I know what you're thinking, Doctor. I'd stop before I asked about something I didn't want to hear."

"…Understood. Still, she does look nice, doesn't she?"

"…Yeah, she sure does."

"…I suppose its off for you three, then."

"Well, you know how it is. Always more running to do."

"Always."

"Here. So we don't have anymore incidents with flying thought containers."

"…Big red button. How friendly."

"I thought so. Catch you on the Flip Side, Doctor."

"See you in Glocca Morra, Witcher."

* * *

_"I'm sorry. I didn't want…"_

I held her. "I know, I know. Hey. It's okay."

_"…Did…did you…"_

"Not a word. Not my story to tell. Well, to tell him at least."

_"…Thank you…"_

"Pleasure. There. Better now?"

_"…No…"_

"Understandable. Its been a long day for all of us. Lorna, if you wouldn't mind…"

"Sure. Good night, both of you. Try not to dehydrate in front of that inferno."

"Will do boss. Now, I think we have some Jammie Dodgers in the back, and I believe I can promise tea. How's that sound?"

_"…Lovely…"_

* * *

_"…Tick, tock, goes the clock, even for the Doctor…"_


	40. Chapter 40

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:40

"Hogwarts. You need. To get. To bloody. Hogwarts."

"…Unless you'd rather I leave Moldyshorts alone to do as he pleases, then yes."

"You're telling me. I lived in that world. For how long. And Hogwarts. Was under my nose. The whole time."

"…In your defense, Torchwood did take up a good deal of your time. Literally."

"I'm sorry, what's Hogwarts? Sounds like a rather messy place."

"Oh, the messiest. The Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. In other words, magic. And all the chaos that goes with it."

"…Wonderful."

"That was about my reaction as well."

"How are we even going to get there?"

"You're forgetting: we know a guy."

* * *

"No. Absolutely not. Never. I refuse."

**"****Sixer, for once in your life, sell your idea and let the idiots that bought it fix it."**

"You know as well as I do what happened the last time we turned on that portal."

**"****Yeah, I saved your butt is what happened. Look, it's the perfect time if you ask me. You got another certifiable genius for both you and Dipping Dot to hang out with. Mable and Wendy get some quality time with some real ladies. Soos gets some help in the shop. And I get money. What's not to like?"**

"What if he opens a portal to the Nightmare Dimension? Or someplace worse? What if something comes through, and he can't handle it?"

"_He _is standing right here. And even if _he _can't handle it, I'm sure the Doctor could. If anything goes wrong, I can give him a ring. After all, if _you _can't handle it, I'm sure the Oncoming Storm could."

"I can handle whatever may or may not come out of that machine, I assure you."

"Great! Then we have a deal! Pleasure doing business with you."

I pushed past him before he had a chance to object. "Ooo, you've redecorated! I don't like it."

* * *

"Dipper, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Mr. Witcher."

"Please, just Witcher. Mr. Witcher was my father."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh."

I scooted out from under the blocks the TARDIS was up on. "Look, kid, if you're gonna stand there like a lump in a bog, at least make yourself useful and hand me that hydro-spanner."

He crossed his arms. "Grunkle Ford said to never let you out of my sight. So that's what I'm gonna do."

"Of course. Of course. You should always listen to Ford. After all, its not like he's an inter-dimensional criminal or anything."

"You're an inter-dimensional criminal too."

"Yes, well, I didn't start a civil war just to get a part for a weapon that may or may not be able to kill a demon."

His voice suddenly got extremely high. "Demon? What demon? I don't know any demon. Why would Ford want to kill a demon?"

"…You're right. Not technically a demon. An Eternal. Nasty blokes, like messing with people's heads. Immortal, and practically unkillable."

Dipper had gotten a lot whiter.

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck. I said _practically _unkillable. Your Grunkle isn't the only one who found an all-powerful weapon in another dimension."

"But…He's gone…Bill's gone…"

"Eternals invest heavily in the whole reincarnation thing, kid. Now, if you had managed to kill him any in other way then what you did, I'd be worried. But I think you trapped him more than anything. And the last time an Eternal was trapped it took thousands of years for them to escape. And even then, it was sheer bad luck it happened. Bill Cipher isn't coming back unless you let him."

"Let him?! Why would I ever want to let him?!"

"Because sometimes the most you can lose in a deal with the Devil is your soul. Now, I say that, because I've got a deal for you: I show you a tattoo you can get that blocks possession from anything, Eternal or not, and in return, you quit standing there like a fish out of water and help me with this blasted piping. How about it?"

He thought about it. Then thought about it some more. And then kept thinking about it. "…Deal."

"Fantastic. _Now _will you hand me that hydro-spanner?"

The requested item dropped into my hand, and I slid back under the blocks.

"…. Have you ever heard of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"

I smiled. "It rings a bell."

* * *

"Do I even want to know what's in this?"

"If it's Mablejuice, you most definitely do not. Speaking of, where is the Shooting Star?"

"Upstairs with Soos and Wendy. They're showing Lorna something they call the 'Wormy Dance.'"

"And you're not recording this why?"

"Because we need to talk."

Bollocks. What did I do?

"…Very well. What do we need to talk about?"

"What happened in Eastenders-land."

"…I thought we did talk about that."

"Not that. The other thing."

"What other thing?"

"The way you threw yourself into danger just because you thought you knew how it was going to turn out. You said yourself, this isn't your world. Things that happen here won't be the same as how they happened back where you're from. And if you were to be wrong, it could cost you your life." She looked down at her feet. "And I'm not sure I could survive that."

"Rose…I'm so sorry…I forgot. I'm just used to not…I haven't had anyone to worry about for a long time. Plus, you know, I _am _soulless."

"Yeah. But that's still no excuse. You're going to interfere at Hogwarts, a place where things are literally not what they seem. You can't count on foreknowledge to help you."

I sighed. "I know. I've already changed things there a good deal as it is, the first time I was in that world."

"…Witcher…what did you do…"

"I may, or may not, have removed Harry Potter from the horribleness that was the Dursleys and sent him somewhere no one from England could ever find him?"

"…You wot mate."

"It was a spur of the moment thing, if that's any consolation. And I did at least make sure that Horcrux in him was…gone…oh bollocks…"

"Bollocks? What's bollocks?"

"There was a piece of Voldemort's soul that latched on to Harry the night he was vanquished. I used a combination of Enochian runes to have Harry absorb it, so that Voldemort wouldn't have to kill him later."

"And you didn't think that was a bad idea?!"

"Look, I wasn't magical then, and Enochian was the only way I could think of that didn't involve magic. But the thing with Enochian, is to cast a spell in it, you have to burn off a piece of your soul."

"…And you were soulless."

"Exactly. But the runes worked, I know they did. So that begs the question…"

"Did the runes burn off part of Harry's soul to work?"

"Bingo. Forget rush job, this just became same-day delivery."

"…Wait. What do you mean, you weren't magical _then?!_ I saw you pull a sword out of mid-air, twice! How did you get magic?!"

"Ah. Well. Remember when we had to un-detonate Storybrooke, and you had all that built up energy you were containing?"

"Yes…"

"When the diamond deactivated, you may or may not have passed out, and released said energy. And I had no choice but to absorb it."

"But it should have done what it did to me: nothing."

"And it would have. If I hadn't already been containing the bit of energy that was halfway converted from raw magic to artron energy."

"And when that energy hit the already in progress reaction…oh my Lord…"

"Chuck, actually. He goes by Chuck. And believe me, this is exactly the sort of thing He would write."

"I thought Time Lords just naturally had magic where you came from!"

"I'm afraid not."

"You're going to Hogwarts, as a _wizard,_ and I'm not. That's so unfair!"

"Life is never fair, and it is never unfair in your favor. Rule something-or-other. Now, can you toss me that doohickey?"

"What, this?"

"No, that's a thingamabob."

"So sorry I never learned the difference. I did fail hullabaloo, after all."

"If you ask me, you're great at hullabaloo."

"…That had better be a compliment."

"Of course it was."

* * *

"I told her not to try Mable-juice."

I rubbed my nose. "I believe you Dipper. But Miss Bucket has never been one to back down from a challenge. That, and she missed the last drinking adventure we had."

"Who's gonna run the shop while she's out of it? It's Wendy's day off, Mable and Rose are out exploring, and Grunkle Stan and Ford are out fishing. And Soos is doing the tours!"

"Well, if you'll help me get Miss Bucket into a more comfortable position, I believe we can manage running the shop."

"We?!"

"Yes. We. Now get a move on."

"…She's heavy."

"Oh, that's just all the ammo."

"The _what?!"_

* * *

"So…are you an alien?"

"Three weeks I've been here, and you're just now asking me that?"

"Well, I mean, you look human, and I didn't know if there were humans outside of this dimension."

"Dipper, from my point of view, humans look like Time Lords."

"Time Lords? What are they?"

"It's what I am. Practically immortal, able to cheat even Death if we are seriously injured, even able to see the entirety of Time and Space whirling around you. Pretty standard stuff for aliens."

"So you are an alien! Wait…are the others…"

"Lorna is a perfectly normal human. Well, from way in the future, but still. And Rose…is fifty percent human, one hundred percent Time Lord."

"That's a hundred and fifty percent."

"She's a hundred and fifty percent of a person."

"…Good point."

I leaned back in my seat. "Funny. I guess that means there's an even number of Time Lords running around again."

"Even number? How many are there?"

"…Last I heard, four, plus Rose and me. So, six."

"…So, does that mean…"

"And that's enough of that. Less personal questions, more minding the shop."

"…If you say so."

"Oh, and there's totally humans from other dimensions right here on Earth."

"There's _what?!"_

"Dipper, you go to school in Echo Creek, right?"

"Yeah?! What does that have to do with humans from _completely different worlds?!_"

"Kid, chill. Let me let you in on a little secret…"

* * *

"Soooo…that's a lot of paper bags."

"Yeah, and even better, not all of them were Lorna's!"

Rose sighed. "What did you do?"

"Hey, the kid already knew about alternate worlds! I was just telling him about some of the visitors this world has gotten from them!"

"What, like the Cybermen?"

"No, like the magical wand-wielding princess that lives a few blocks from where he goes to school."

"…Is this where I'm supposed to point out how unhelpful that was."

"Nope! Cause I have come to a rather depressing realization: we can't just point the portal directly where we need to go and press the button. It just wasn't built to go to specific worlds; only the places between them."

"Like the doors in Wonderland."

"Exactly. Now, I have an alternate plan; if we can't get to Hogwarts directly, we go to a place between worlds, where someone who can send us there, lives."

"The magical princess?"

"Not exactly. A friend of her friend. One with a predilection for fire and horns. And after the experiences those around here have had with what they call a demon, I needed to provide a little backstory in case of…altercations."

"…You're sneaky, you know that."

"I've been called worse."

* * *

Ford's face when he realized just how close he and Bill had come to ripping a hole directly into the Void was priceless.

I planned to sell copies at five bucks apiece.

After a very long time, he managed to swallow. "So…I can assume that will no longer be an issue."

"Oh, yes. Definitely. Ninety percent sure. Well, maybe a bit less. Seventy? Forty-two? Twelve?"

"Not helping Witcher."

"Yes, sorry. But I have managed a way to circumvent the possibility entirely. If we…" I let out a grunt as a hauled a particularly heavy pipe from the portal machine to the TARDIS. "…set it up in a static connection, and then time loop and quantum-lock it once we reach the other side, we should be fine. Ish."

"And will the citizens on the other side of this quantum lock be able and willing to either assist us, or leave us to work in peace?"

"Well, I can't speak for all of them, but I know one at least one very powerful person who would be all too glad to help if it prevented Belgium 2.0."

"…. Tell me, was I ever close to true inter-dimensional travel?"

"With this? No, no, of course not. True inter-dimensional travel is loads easier. Just ask Rick Sanchez."

"Who?"

"Another inter-dimensional criminal. You'd like him, he could probably beat Stan at poker, and you at 3-D chess."

"Mable and Dipper already have those things covered, thank you."

"Wait, really? I knew Mable, but Dipper? Come on man, you're losing your touch."

"And just how quickly did you die when you let Dipper be the Dungeon Master in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"

"…Fair point. Little twerp's vicious, I'll give him that."

"Yes. Now, as I understand it, we have a bridge to finish building."

"That we do, Ford. That we do."

* * *

"Are you sure about this?"

"Absolutely not. For all I know, the strain on our connection could snap it in half, leaving me insane and you dead. Or worse."

"What could be worse than that?!"

"Stuck in a loop of the same moment forever, or getting sucked into the Void."

"…Yeah, okay, that's worse."

"Now, you know I'd like nothing better than for you to come along, but we're the only living thing I can think of that can technically exist in two places at once. The TARDIS has to have someone left on this end to stabilize the time-lock. And of the two of us, I'm the only one that can hide from the Templars, the Men of Letters, and Torchwood in the magical world."

"I know, I know, I just…really wanted to see Hogwarts."

"I understand. I really do. But if all goes well, I'll just be in and out. Hey, if you like, I can steal Dumbledore's Pensieve and show you my memories of it later."

"…That's an awesome idea, if only for the chance to prank Dumbledore."

"I thought so. Now, can I get a hug?"

"…Fine. You come back; you hear?"

"Don't you know, Rose? Sooner or later, I always come back."

* * *

"Are you ready, Witcher?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. I still say it's a bad idea to have you along; if anything goes wrong here, it'll leave everything up to Rose to fix it."

"As I have stated before, I have every confidence in Dipper and your Miss Bucket to handle whatever may arise. And if worse comes to worse, we can always wait thirty years for my brother to rescue us."

"…Was that a joke I just heard?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Riiiiiiight. Okay. Have everything?"

He swung a rather large backpack up on his shoulder. "Of course. I know what its like to be stuck in a strange place with very little in the way of resources; there won't be any of that this time. I've made sure of it."

"If you say so."

"And you're sure this…Hekapoo...is the foremost expert on dimensional rifts around?"

"I wouldn't say around, but she's definitely one of the best. If anyone can help you close that thing off permanently, my money would be on her."

"And it is."

"True."

"Wait! Yeah! Dork in the trench coat!"

There was only one person I knew who called people dork around here.

"Were you just gonna leave without me giving you a sweater?"

"Of course not, Mabel. Let's see it, shall we?"

"Well, I heard you were going to Hogwarts, and I was like 'Whaaaaat!', and then I was like, 'I need to make him a sweater to blend in!', so…here you go!"

The expected item unfolded in her hands.

"I already made a yellow one for Lorna, and a blue one for Rose, and Grunkle Ford already has a red one, so the inter-dimensional criminal gets the Slytherin green!"

"I would like to once again point out that Ford here is just as much of a criminal as I am."

"Yeah, but he wasn't ever sneaky about it! That's what makes you the Slytherin!"

"…You have a point. Here. Hold my coat while I put it on."

One removed coat, removed plaid shirt, applied turtleneck sweater, and reapplied coat later…

"Oh, hun, it just brings out your eyes! You be stylin in that!"

"Not bad at all, kid. I tell you what; I wear this the whole time I'm at Hogwarts, and in return, how bout you keep this plaid shirt for me while I'm gone."

"Can do, buckaroo!"

"It's my favorite, so you be sure to take good care of it. I expect it to be able to shake it and a cloud of glitter come out when I get back."

"Pinky promise!"

"Fantastic."

I hollered in the direction of the TARDIS. "We ready, Rose?"

"We were born ready!"

"If you please, then."

"Let me know when the quantum-lock is holding, and I'll push the big red button!"

"It's a lever, Rose."

"You know what I meant!"

"Uh-huh. Welp, on with the show."

It wasn't a very tall ladder, but the platform at portal-level was decidedly narrow. Ford and I both had to tread very carefully. Thank Gallifrey it was only two of us.

"I believe it would be best if you went first, Witcher. You're more likely to recognize the terrain and locals."

"…Right then. Let me just…scoot by you…"

I adjusted the Sword of Gryffindor on my back one last time. "I really hope we don't run into buff Marco…not someone I'd care to fight on my best day…"

"Well, now that you've mentioned it, I'm rather inclined to believe it will happen. That is how these things tend to happen."

"You've got a point. Right. Last call. Quantum lock go?"

"Go!"

"Time-lock go?"

"Go!"

"Jammie Dodgers go?"

"Just go!"

"Right-o."

I took a deep breath, then let it out. "Don't be lasagna."

"What?"

"Nothing. Way down we go."

And I stepped through the portal.


	41. Chapter 41

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:41

"Burnt land. No lifeforms. Rather despondent looking tower. This is the place alright."

"Only someone like you would go looking for a place like this."

"Someone like us, chum. Come on, let's get set up."

"How long before this Hekapoo shows up?"

I set down the tripod I was carrying. "With any luck, not long at all. She's the one in charge of all dimensional travel around here, so she's probably already noticed our portal opening up."

"Let's hope she notices just the portal, and not the specific individuals that came through. We're both still wanted in quite a few places, and exactly the sort of people true law-abiding citizens would like to see gone."

"Yeah, well, Hekapoo may make the laws, but she's no more law-abiding than you or I. Just wait. She'll come."

I pulled out the com unit I'd scraped together using Dipper's calculator. "Testing, testing, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Come in Mystery Spot, over!"

"…This is Mystery Spot, over. I still don't understand why we couldn't just call it what it is."

"It's ironic. You'd have to get Sam Winchester to explain."

"Who?"

"Never mind. Everything looking good?"

"Everything's holding steady. Now we're just waiting for your signal. Scissor Girl shown up yet?"

"Please don't call her that. And no, but I don't believe it'll be…"

_*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*_

"…long."

Horns, orange dress, white skin, pair of scissors. All check.

_"__Oh, for crying out loud, NO MORE HUMAN VISITORS! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE TODAY!"_

"Uh, not to nitpick, but not human."

_"__I DON'T CARE!"_

"Time Lord, actually."

_"__I STILL DON'T…wait, really? I thought you all died when Gallifrey went bye-bye."_

"Officially, we did. But Fate had other plans."

"Hmm-HMMM. Pardon me, but we are under a bit of a time crunch here. Stanford Pines, paranormal researcher. And we heard you were the best there is at what you do."

_"__And what is it you heard I do, handsome?"_

"Sealing dimensional rifts. A rather large one has developed over our town, and we were hoping we might be able to come to some arrangement for your assistance."

_"__Hold up. You have a dimensional rift in your backyard, and your solution was to build a dimensional cannon right next door to it?"_

"Of course not. The cannon existed long before the rift. We are slightly smarter than your average apes."

_"__Oh, right, Time Lord, I forgot. So, you need help closing this thing, and by the looks of it, stabilizing the portal you used to get here. What's in it for me?"_

Ford adjusted his glasses. "Seeing as how you are one of the most powerful beings in the multiverse, it would follow that there is not much that you desire that you could not get."

_"__Got it in one, handsome."_

"So, because we were unable to determine what it is you wanted most, much less how to get it…" Ford pulled out a small box. "…we thought it best to give you the ability to acquire whatever you wish."

He opened the box.

_"…__An infinity-sided die. Cool. Haven't seen one of those in awhile. Okay sweater dudes, you got yourselves part of a deal. There's just one more…tiny…thing you have to do first."_

"And what might that be?"

_"__Why, blow out this flame, of…"_

***BANG!***

_"…__course. Huh. Should have seen that coming."_

I holstered the Last Word. "Now, how about that help?"

* * *

I stood in front of the portal, doing my best not to blink. Good practice for Weeping Angels, now that I thought about it.

_"__Say when, professor, and I'll shut the portal."_

"You've got it. But first things first." I lifted the comm to my ear. "You ready, Rose?"

"Fire away."

"Start pushing over…now."

And with that, I felt the Bad Wolf rise up from the depths of my mind, until the both of us were staring through my eyes.

_"__Ow. This __really__ hurts."_

"You're telling me. You watching your end?"

_"__Yes. Both of us."_

"Same here. On three, you activate the time lock, and Hekapoo, you shut the portal."

_"__Whatever you say, Time Dude."_

"Right. One…two…THREE!"

Dimensions apart from each other, and yet at exactly the same time, a switch was thrown, and a pair of scissors clipped.

"OWWWWW!"

_"…__Huh. Whaddya know. Still there."_

I rubbed my head. "I would hope so. That _was_ the whole point of using a quantum slash time lock, Hekapoo. It can't be closed, but it can't be disrupted either. Permanent as you can get. Well, until the anchor observer dies. Which isn't gonna happen for a very long time. And since we have you on this end, and Ford on the other, I think it's safe to say we won't be having any more trouble from this direction."

_"__Yeah, I got that. So, are we taking care of this supposed rift, or not?"_

Ford nodded. "Of course. If you would care to follow me…"

I held up a finger. "One second. I hate to ask a favor…"

_"__Good. I hate granting 'em."_

"…So, instead, I would instead like to barter for just a tad more help."

_"__What could you possibly have to tempt me into helping you any more than I'm gonna?"_

I tossed her a notebook.

_"…__And what is this?"_

"Simple. Blackmail. On one Marco Diaz for the last three years of his life, as related by his acquaintance Dipper Pines."

_"…__Oh, I think we're gonna get along just fine, Time Dude. Count me in. What did you need?"_

"A one-way trip to Diagon Alley, if you don't mind."

She pulled out her scissors, and slit open a hole. _"Best I can do is just in front of the Leaky Cauldron."_

"Fantastic. Thank you."

_"__Don't thank me yet, Time Dude. You still have to deal with the wizards you're gonna find around there. Going up against wand-wavers without magic? Brave."_

I flicked my fingers, and a ball of fire appeared above them. "Who said I was without magic?"

Hekapoo froze (ironically enough). _"…I only know one Time Lord who can do that. I take it back, Witcher. You're not brave; you're crazy."_

"Oh? Haven't you heard?"

I stepped forward.

"All the best people are. Catch you on the Flip Side. VAMANOS!"

I jumped.

* * *

Just like the movies. Why am I not surprised?

It was relatively early in the morning, so I was thankful for that at least. Less people to notice someone making their way into the alley without using a wand. It would have made for awkward questions. Tom, I knew to be something of a blabber, so I suspected the news would still get out someone could apparently stroll in using wandless magic. I planned to be long gone by the time that happened.

Right, first things first. But not necessarily in that order.

I knew for sure there were three things I was gonna have to do while I was here. One, find a way to retrieve Hufflepuff's Cup. Two, acquire every book I could on runes, arithmancy, and curse breaking. And three, get a wand to use for said delicate runes and curses that probably didn't respond well to massive bursts of magic. But as to which to do first, I was at a loss.

A loss…

No. A win.

I had completely forgot. All those nice little bank accounts the Templars had had before I got here had been deleted. But the money in them hadn't. For Gallifrey's sake, I had used some of it to buy plane tickets and take care of Miss Figg, excuse me, Calvers.

Looks like I was going to make a long-term deposit with a certain bunch of goblins. I needed galleons, for both the books and the wand, and everyone knows the best way to break into a bank is to be let in as a depositor. Even if they seized my vault once I was out and away, so what? It was just money. I would get something far more precious.

I began to walk down the Alley in the direction of Gringotts's, my visor humming as I did so. Masks weren't exactly looked on with the fondest memories here, so I got some rather pointed stares as I made my way forwards. I didn't care; I had bigger fish to fry. The money was all there, and what's better, it had been accumulating interest for…_three years?!_

I double-checked the date.

July 31st. The day Harry Potter saw the magical world for the first time.

Fate couldn't be more obvious if She labeled the whole thing in red sharpie.

Gringotts's was definitely my first point of call now. If I was lucky, extremely lucky, I could even nick the Philosopher's Stone from Hagrid while checking Harry over discreetly.

I finished transferring twenty percent of my funds to gold-based just in time. The doors of Gringotts rose in front of me.

"Funny. I've known a few people that would have taken that poem as a challenge. Now here I am, the first to follow through. Vamanos, I suppose."

Still no departure from the movies. Goblins everywhere, with plenty more people to take up the remaining space. I bobbed and weaved my way through the crowd until I found the specific goblin I was looking for.

"Greetings, Teller Griphook. May the blood of your enemies stain your blade."

I don't think I've ever seen anyone that surprised, much less a goblin.

"…. And may the gold in your vault never cease growing, human. What is your business with Gringotts today?"

"I wish to open an account. I have a rather large amount of gold that needs transferal."

"Very well. You understand of course, human, that such an action shall require the small price of ten percent of all transferred funds."

"Ten? No, no, no, I was thinking more along the lines of…five percent."

"Nine."

"Six."

"Eight."

"Seven."

He pretended to consider it. "…Very well. I suppose we could…settle…for seven."

He grinned. "If you will follow me, human, we shall acquire your key and blood for your vault."

"And then my gold, don't forget."

"Of course. Your gold. This way."

A room obviously built for intimidation. Easy enough to do when you're a goblin, and the fact that the client's chair was a good deal lower than the manager's certainly didn't harm matters.

"Teller Griphook for Account Manager Ripclaw. Account opening. Negotiated price of seven percent."

Ripclaw (presumably) barely looked up from the mounds of paper in front of him. "Tell Bloodshank he is needed for the transferal. That will be all."

"Yes, sir."

Griphook left the way we had come, leaving me alone in the heart of goblin territory. Fantastic.

"Sit, human. Time is money, after all."

"So they say. From my non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly…timey-wimey…stuff."

"Started out well, that sentence. I shan't say it again, human; sit."

I sat.

"This is the standard account-opening form. I have filled in the seven percent as negotiated by Teller Griphook, now all you need to fill out is the numbers of the accounts you wish to transfer to us."

I took the offered quill and did so (after double-checking the form of course. Never trust a goblin).

"…Good. Now, for your key, we shall require a drop of blood to bind it to your magic."

_*THUNK*_

"Please use this knife and bowl for the acquisition. When the drops hit the bowl, the paper underneath shall fill in with all the required details. Before you make the cut, due to…" here he sneered, "…_wizarding regulations_, you are required to state aloud the following: I consent and freely give my blood on this one occasion for the sole purpose of identification."

"I consent and freely give my blood on this one occasion for the sole purpose of identification."

"Good. Cut."

_*Plunk* *Plunk* *Plunk*_

Three drops were more than enough. I closed my hand in a fist to stop the bleeding, and placed the knife back in the bowl. Within a few seconds, it began to glow, and the blood in the bottom disappeared. Then, gradually, writing began to appear on the paper beneath.

**_Prince Hadrian Hamish Howlfang_**

**_Lord by Foundation of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Howlfang_**

**_Lord by Marriage of the Most Ancient House of Ravenclaw_**

**_Lord by Conquest of Most Ancient House of Slytherin_**

**_Lord by Blood of Time_**

**_Heir Apparent by Blood of the Gentle Queen_**

**_Heir Secondary by Magic of King and Queen Charming_**

**_Heir Secondary by Magic of Queen Regina_**

**_Heir Secondary by Magic of Rumpelstiltskin_**

**_Knight by Conquest of Northumberland_**

**_Friend of Goblins_**

**_Rider of Centaurs_**

**_The Unbroken_**

**_The Blade Dancer_**

**_ The White Wolf_**

**_The Witcher_**

Ripclaw looked down at the paper, and then back up to me.

"Welcome, Prince Howlfang. We've been expecting you."

He smiled a smile with far too many teeth in it.

"You're late."


	42. Chapter 42

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:42

"STUPID!"

_*THUNK*_

"FORKING!"

_*THUNK*_

"WIZARDS!"

_*THUNK*_

"STUPID!"

_*THUNK*_

"FORKING!"

_*THUNK*_

"TIME!"

_*THUNK*_

"TRAVEL!"

*_THUNK*_

"STUPID!"

_*THUNK*_

"FORKING!"

_*THUNK*_

*CHARACTERS!"

For the life of me, I still couldn't figure it out. Goblins never made mistakes; I knew that much. Everything on that document had been one hundred percent true. Exactly _how_ most of it was true, I had only the faintest of ideas.

I had followed Ripclaw out of the room in a daze. When he said I was expected, what he apparently meant was "There has been a secure meeting scheduled for this exact time for centuries, with your name down as one of the participating parties. Oh, and you're seven seconds late."

Forking Goblins.

Still, I had apparently done something important enough in the past (my future) to earn the title "Goblin Friend". Whatever that meant. One more bit of information I needed to buy every single book I could find about. Because it would definitely be in my best interests to keep things on said friendly basis.

Would I have to return the Sword of Gryffindor? It was Goblin-made. Did my status as "Friend" negate that? I simply didn't know. And I hated not knowing.

At least one thing was perfectly clear to me; how I had ended up magically related to some of the most powerful citizens of Storybrooke. The magic I now possessed had originally been a product of Snow and Charming's 'true love', for whatever that was worth. It had then been spliced with artron energy using the curse-slash-diamond created by Regina. And both that curse, and that magic had been given form by the Dark One, a.k.a. Rumpelstiltskin. One explosion later, instant magical adoption by four people. As if the relations in Storybrooke weren't bollocksed up enough. I was gonna need a bigger flowchart. At least there was some small mercy in the fact I was still only second in line. Henry still had the right of way, thank Gallifrey.

It was the rest of the titles that had me properly and down-right concerned. Ravenclaw's line had died out; how on Gallifrey had I been able to marry into it? Slytherin had been dead for centuries, him and his descendants. Moldy-shorts was the only one left, as far as I knew. And as far as Right of Conquest went, Harry Potter had more claim to the title Lord Slytherin than I did.

The name Howlfang wasn't terrible, as wizarding names went. Apparently, I had kept the sense to stick to the alliterative first-letter naming convention in order to blend in. But how the kriff was the name considered "Most Ancient?" Was it because I had already been centuries old (a terrifying thought) when I founded the House? Or was it because of my still shaky ties to two other Most Ancient Houses? If so, where did the "Noble" designation come from? Neither Slytherin nor Ravenclaw was noble, in any sense of the word.

The only possible explanation my mind was conjuring was a secret elopement and marriage to Helena Ravenclaw, the discovery of her murder by the Bloody Baron, and then the revenge of myself upon the Slytherin line. Far-fetched, at best. But if I was rich, a.k.a. "Noble", and the Baron was not, he could quite possibly have resented me enough to act. If that was indeed what had happened, then where was Ravenclaw's Diadem?

Worry about that later. This first, Horcruxes later. I had earned the title "Unbroken" a long time ago; how had it been transferred here? I carried a blade, true enough, but it wasn't mine. And I certainly wasn't an expert with it. The White Wolf was definitely me, no question about it. But the thing was, it was already literally in my name. Why had "The Witcher" been listed as a separate title? And finally, who the kriff was the "Gentle Queen?" You'd think if I was actually related to any royalty by blood, I would have found out about it by now. But obviously not.

So many questions. Not enough answers.

My head hit the table one last time.

_*THUNK*_

"GAH!"

_"__Is that wooden sound you or the desk?"_

Not the voice I associated with that turn of phrase, but…

"How long have you been standing there?"

_"__Longer than you would like."_

Word for word perfect.

"Sooooo, I can assume we've met before, judging by how the only way you could have ever learned that bit was if I told it to you."

The voice continued behind me, moving to the right side of the table as it did so. _"Don't you know by now, Witcher? Never assume anything. You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be…" _the face that belonged to the voice came into view, _"…monsters."_

I stared. "…. Pamela Barnes?!"

_"__Fraid not, sunshine. Although I am flattered. Name's Flamel. Perenelle Flamel."_

I stared some more. "…Figures future me would become friends with an immortal alchemist."

_"__At your service. Literally. I'm here at your request."_

"Prove it."

_*DING! *_

_"__Does that do the job, sunshine?"_

Coin. Green. Jade. Gambit. Hive.

_"__You said there was a word that went with it: Stick. Makes sense to you, I suspect."_

The Doctor's words echoed through my head. "…Let's go and poke it with a stick..."

I cleared my throat, and swept the coin into the pocket of my coat. "You could say that. I assume I'm about to kick the hornet's nest, then?"

_"__Yes, only you're no girl with a dragon tattoo. Now, we've got about three minutes before Chairman Bonesplicer of the Goblin Nation and your Account Manager both come through that door. So, Jerry, even though you've got a lot on your plate, I'm gonna need you to listen very carefully, and repeat exactly and only what I say. To begin, 'Greetings, Chairman Ragnok.'"_

"Ragnok?"

_"__Yes, Ragnok. Shut up. 'Greetings, Chairman Ragnok. May the blood of your enemies fall from your blade. May the gold of your enemies fill your vaults. May the eyes of your enemy be blinded by your plans. May the…"_

This went on for quite a while.

_"…__And finally, may the feet of your enemies tread upon the spikes of your traps. Now, got all that?"_

"…Yes."

_"__Wait, for real? Seriously? Wow. I don't know whether to respect you or die laughing. I just made every word of that up."_

"…You wot mate."

_"__Yep, totally made up. You don't greet the Chairman of the Goblin Nation; the Chairman of the Goblin Nation greets you. Now, here's what you're actually gonna say…"_

Just over a minute later, Ragnok Bonesplicer the Third, Chairman of the Goblin Nation, Head of Gringotts' Bank, Oh Hear His Name And Tremble Ugh Ugh, strode into the room.

Oh, and Ripclaw came in too.

But it was rather easy to overlook him, considering how he was dwarfed by the absolutely massive war-hammer the Chairman was carrying. Thing made Sauron's mace look like a paperweight.

It may or may not have cracked the floor when he dropped it and sat down.

**"****Greetings, Prince Howlfang. May the blood of your enemies fall from your blade."**

"And may the gold of your enemies fill your vaults. What is your business with House Howlfang today, Chairman Ragnok?"

**"****It has come to our attention that, due to your status as a Lord of Time, the actions you have undertaken in the past of this world may be unknown to you. If you were anything but a Friend of the Goblin Nation, and personally vouched for by yet another Goblin-Friend…"**

Perenelle inclined her head in acknowledgement.

**"…****It would be no concern of ours to educate you upon some of the more important aspects of your status. However, since it is in fact clearly our concern, we shall now do so. Ripclaw!"**

"Yes, Chairman?"

** "****Do you have the rings?"**

"Yes, Chairman."

**"****Proceed."**

Ripclaw rose from his seat at the left side of the table, and slowly approached.

"Give me your left hand, human."

**"****Ripclaw!"**

"Forgive me, Chairman. I meant no…_disrespect."_

Even I could see that of course he had.

"Give me your left hand, Blade Dancer."

So, Blade Dancer was my goblin title. Interesting.

I cautiously reached out, whereupon my hand was snatched and held fast.

"Hold still. This will hurt quite a bit."

Ripclaw's other hand came out of seemingly nowhere, holding a rather old looking box. On it, was a symbol I had seen far too many times before. Tainted with blood, sweat, death, and tears, or so the stories said. And now I was inclined to believe they were more than mere stories.

A white tree in full blossom, roots growing deep, in the center. Two wolves, one on each side of the tree, mouths open in a howl. All enclosed in a ring of fire.

The box swung open.

"The Lord's Ring of House Howlfang, bearing the Crest of House Howlfang. Dum Fit Scindam Vellere."

In my head I translated the quote: 'Rip and Tear Until It Is Done'. Funny. Future me was certainly doing all he could to make me trust him, especially with a motto like that.

I didn't trust him.

The ring slid on to my finger.

Ripclaw seemed disappointed I showed no outward signs of pain. It hurt, certainly, but pain was an old friend. When it had faded, I merely nodded at Ripclaw to continue.

He snarled, and pulled out a second box.

"The Lord's Ring of House Ravenclaw, bearing the Crest of House Ravenclaw. Wit Beyond Measure Is Man's Greatest Treasure."

The second ring caused a fair amount more pain than the first, which was to be expected, as my connection to the House was significantly weaker.

Third and final box. Third and final ring.

"The Lord's Ring of House Slytherin, bearing the Crest of House Slytherin. Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum."

Oh, it would have killed Salazar to know his house motto had been adopted by a Muggle firearm company.

And then the last ring slid on and it was killing _me_.

So much _hate. _Not towards me, oddly enough, but towards anything and everything Ravenclaw. Not surprising, considering the fate of their respective heirs. It probably would have hurt less if I had put Slytherin's ring on before Ravenclaw's. I suspected Ripclaw knew that, judging by the rather nasty smile on his face. What I had done to earn his ire, I didn't know, but I intended to find out.

"It is done, Chairman."

**"****Good. The Sun Breaker will now speak."**

_"__As you wish, Chairman."_

My mouth dropped open. Sun Breaker? There was no way on Gallifrey I hadn't had something to do with _that._ The future just kept getting more and more interesting.

_"__Prince Howlfang. You are now the Lord of two Most Ancient Houses, and one Most Ancient and Noble House. At the turn of the year, a new session of the Wizengamot will be called. You must either sit in attendance for the entirety of the session, not a possibility for reasons I will explain later, or you must have found proxies for the seats. You now have the most votes of any single member of the group. As Goblin Friend, you must use your power to act in a manner that will benefit the Goblins as well as yourself. Do you understand?"_

How on Gallifrey had she gone from a Southern American accent to a posh aristocratic one? It sounded…wrong.

_"__Do you understand?"_

I swallowed. "…Yes."

_"__Good. You will also be required by the Wizengamot to enter into at least two betrothals, one each for Slytherin and Ravenclaw. They have already seen those lines die out once, they will not tolerate it again. The Howlfang line is already taken care of."_

…Rose was gonna kill me. Wait…what did she mean taken care of?

_"__You will have only a year to accomplish this…"_

I was gonna be here for a YEAR?!

_"…__So you must move quickly. Our suggestion would be to seek out the Tonks family and the Greengrass family. One has no anti-goblin agenda, as well as a connection to the Light, and the other has both a healthy trade relationship with the goblins, and the ability to play nice with those of a Darker nature. Both would serve you well as both proxies and sources of betrothal. Do you understand?"_

"…Yes."

_"__Good. I return the order of business to you, Chairman."_

**"****Is there any further business House Howlfang wishes to discuss with the Goblin Nation?"**

"…No Chairman."

**"****Are there any further matters the Blade Dancer feels require the attention of the Goblin Nation?"**

"…Yes Chairman."

**"****Speak."**

I ran over the words in my head, recalling exactly what Perenelle had said. "…If it pleases the Chairman, I will now draw the sword on my back to present to you."

**"****Do so."**

Slowly, I reached up, and drew…

"The Sword of Gryffindor! Treachery, Chairman!"

**"****Silence!"**

"But Chairman!"

**"****I said silence! Let him speak!"**

I swallowed. "…Thank you, Chairman. I recovered this artifact only recently from my point of view, but from that of this world, it has been two hundred years. I apologize for the delay in returning this Goblin blade to its rightful owners. In recognition of this service, I ask that Gringotts pay heed to another piece of information I have acquired."

**"****Your honor in this matter is noted. Gringotts** **will attend to your words."**

I looked at Perenelle, who merely nodded to proceed. "…It has come to my attention that the Cup of Hufflepuff, has been claimed by one Tom Marvolo Riddle Junior, and placed in the Vault of one Bellatrix Lestrange. Not only was his claim illegal, as the Cup was originally created by Rowena Ravenclaw as a gift for Helga Hufflepuff, he has defiled its original purpose by using it as a…_Horcrux_."

"Impossible! Such a thing…

**"****Ripclaw! You have tried the patience of the Nation for the last time! Your new position is hereby designated as…"**

Ripclaw's eyes widened.

**"…****Teller."**

"NOOOOOO!"

Oh snap.

**"****You are dismissed, Ripclaw."**

"NO! Sir, I beg you!"

**"****I said you are dismissed, Ripclaw. Do not make me repeat the order."**

Ripclaw seemed to collapse back into himself. "…As you wish, Chairman."

And with one last look of loathing in my direction, he left. Seriously, what _had _I ever done to him?

**"****Now. Blade Dancer. If what you say is true, then there has been a serious breach in Gringotts. Such an item as a…****_Horcrux,_**** should never have been allowed into this bank. There are ways of telling if such a thing enters the territory of Gringotts. The only way it could have occurred, is if someone ****_let _****it in. We shall investigate this matter thoroughly, Blade Dancer. And if the Cup is indeed retrieved from the Lestrange Vault, then it shall be restored to its rightful place…in that of Ravenclaw. If there is, as you claim, a taint on it, you shall have to deal with that yourself. Wizarding magic is forbidden to goblins; and wizarding magic you must use to cleanse it. If there are no further matters?"**

"No Chairman."

**"****Then we have an accord. May the eyes of your enemies be blind to your snares."**

I blinked. "…And may the feet of your enemies fall upon the spikes of your trap."

**"****Hmm. A new one. You continue to surprise us, Blade Dancer. Please, do not stop."**

"I do my best, Chairman."

* * *

Griphook was looking at me with what only could be described as awe. Upon the realization I needed a new Account Manager, I had immediately granted him the job. After all, he was the only goblin I could say I knew. Even if he had betrayed the Golden Trio in the old timeline, it was only upon their perceived betrayal of him and the Goblin Nation as a whole. I couldn't really fault him for that.

But the look he was giving me was bordering on creepy.

I whispered to Perenelle as we walked. "You gonna let me in on exactly what I did to tick off Grumpy back there?"

_"__Don't you know? He hates change. The very fact you seem to be able to change the past from the future gave him a reason to dislike you, but then you went and did two things that were even worse."_

"And those were?"

_"__You treated Griphook as his social better by greeting him, but not your Account Manager. Oh, and checking over a contract offered to you as a Goblin Friend is very bad form."_

"So, normal chain of events for me, then?"

_"__You could say that. Ah! Here we are."_

"…Please tell me I'm supposed to sit in the front of that cart."

_"__Now where would be the fun in that?"_

* * *

One cart ride later…

"What did you mean when you said the Howlfang line was taken care of. I know you're a Flamel, but is it possible your maiden name may have been…"

_"__NO! No. Just, no. Flamel's been the name since the beginning. Nicholas is my brother, nothing else. As to the rest: Spoilers."_

"Seriously?"

_"__You're better off finding out for yourself."_

"That's what they all say. They're never right."

_"__Hey! Trust me on this!"_

"…Fine. But don't think I won't forget. Also, WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO STAY HERE A YEAR?! I've got people waiting for me!"

_"__You know as well as I do Time moves faster here than it does in other worlds. A year here is no Time at all there. Oh, and you're taking over the position of Professor of History of Magic at Hogwarts."_

"…I'm WHAT! I don't know jack-squat about the History of Magic!"

_"__Well, then it's a good thing you've got a month to learn it, isn't it?"_

I shut my mouth.

_"__Well, here we are. The Ravenclaw Vault."_

"Why not Howlfang first?"

_"__Because all the interesting stuff is in here. Go on; I'll just wait."_

"You sure?"

_"__Positive. I'm not family, after all."_

"…Who are you?"

_"…__I'm just passing through. After today, Nicholas and I are leaving this world for good."_

Realization dawned. "…The Philosopher's Stone."

_"__Good for gold, not so much for eternal life. For me, let's just say it was a little like a certain accident involving a time machine, a sandwich, and two rubber bands. The Stone was just a good cover. And good bargaining power against the Ministry after the last Goblin Rebellion. Blighters were all too happy to give up control of the economy when we threatened to destroy the whole thing."_

"…Thus, earning you the title Goblin Friend. Well played."

_"__Thanks. Now, are you going or not?"_

I stopped dead at the vault door. Of course, there would be a riddle; this was Ravenclaw after all. I just wasn't expecting the riddle to be _that._

**What Is Your Name?**

I knew what it this was supposed to be, of course.

"My name is the…Prince Hadrian Hamish Howlfang."

The text glimmered, then changed.

**What Is Your Quest?**

"My quest is to end Tom Marvolo Riddle, Junior."

**What Is The Oldest Question In The Universe?**

…I had to answer.

"…Doctor Who?"

The doors swung open with a finality I did not like.

I squared my shoulders, and strode forward.

* * *

"Hel-lo, Jerry Dear!"

Three hundred years old my foot. There was only one person I could think of with that voice, and of course she was named Rowena. How had I not seen it before?

It also explained where Perenelle had picked up on calling me Jerry, if she had met Rowena in all her years as an immortal.

"Now, I can guess, you're right properly confused about what's been going on. Not to worry. Rowena has it all in hand. The advice the Goblins gave you about the Tonks and the Greengrass's was spot on, or so you've told me. But what they failed to point out was the other side of the coin you will inevitably have to deal with. Best to make it on your own terms. The Malfoys, Miss Skeeter, and Dumbledore. Lucius, you can of course get invested as the Minister of Magic by getting rid of Fudge. That can easily be arranged with the exposure of the case of Sirius Black. Lucius will of course go along with this once he realizes two things; one, Draco is not Black's heir, and two, if they can do what they did to Sirius, what's to keep them from doing it to others?"

"Sneaky."

"No, dear. Snaky. You are a Slytherin now." Replied the portrait.

"How did you…never mind. Continue."

"How assertive, dear! I quite like it. Now, Miss Skeeter. A combination of blackmail and the occasional scoop should do quite nicely. But for Dum-Dum-Dore, you're going to need something truly huge. I should think the sealing of the Potter's wills and the placement of young Harry with those dreadful people would work, especially if you can make it happen after the revelation of Black's fate. Continue the theme of 'Look what the Ministry can do if you let them!', and you should be right as rain. Feed Skeeter the story of young Ariana and Grindelwald to seal the deal, if you like."

"…You know, I'd forgotten how much I liked you."

"Oh, Jerry dear, you do know how to say the nicest things! Now, the Howlfang vault. Only gold in there, I'm afraid. All of your important documents you stored in the Room of Requirement. Slytherin did the same with the Chamber of Secrets. And as for mine, I believe you know how to find my Diadem. That should do nicely. Oh, and one more thing: behind this portrait is a gem. I believe you'll recognize it when you see it, and know exactly what to do with it. After all, which is more believable, that magic disrupts electrics, or that ghosts do? Please settle the matter once and for all. And now, ta ta Jerry! Catch you on the Flip Side!"

The curtains on the painting closed, and they did not open. I reached around behind, and felt something hard. I grabbed, and pulled it out into the light.

Purple. A purple gem. One I knew for a fact had been used to great effect on ghosts before.

I was gonna pull off the greatest magic trick in the world with this.

* * *

_"__So, I take it you got whatcha needed?"_

I smirked. "You could say that."

_"__Good. While you were waiting, Griphook came by. Here's your Gringotts' key, and a receipt for the transferal of your gold to the Howlfang Vault. Congratulations: you just broke through from Noble to Most Noble. Three more votes on the Wizengamot. Well done."_

I took the offered key. "Exactly how does the Wizengamot work?"

_"__Simply. Each House gets a minimum of one vote. Ancient or Noble gets you three. Both, Most Ancient, or Most Noble gets you five. A combination of Most Ancient and Noble or of Ancient and Most Noble gets you seven. And Most Ancient and Most Noble gets you ten. Howlfang's been collecting interest for hundreds of years now, all you needed was the final push. If it was up to me, I'd concentrate on adding the rest of whatever I acquired to the others to bring the votes up even more."_

"Got it. How many votes do Dumbledore and Malfoy have?"

_"__Malfoy gets one as a House, plus the five from sitting proxy for the Most Noble House of Black."_

"Illegally."

_"__Yes. Dumble-dork gets one for a House, one as Chief Warlock, and five as sitting proxy for the Ancient and Noble Potters."_

"Again, illegally."

_"__Try convincing the Wizen-geezers that."_

"Oh, I intend to. Anything else I need to know before I poke the hive with a stick?"

_"__Poke it? Jerry, you're gonna blast it with a shotgun. And, actually, yes. Harry and his…escort should be arriving at Madame Malkin's soon. Make a timely interruption between him and Draco, if you can. Little brat deserves a showing up."_

"I take it you've met him."

_"__I have had that extreme displeasure, yes. Once you've done that, avoid Hagrid. The Stone he carries is fake; only we know that. Do nothing to change that."_

"Understood."

_"__Aaaaand that's it. Now, here's where I leave you."_

The doors of Gringotts.

_"__I've got a rather urgent appointment at the Ministry. You can find your way from here, I trust?"_

I nodded.

_"__Good. Oh, and you're not gonna believe who we've gotten to sit as Flamel proxy. Take pics of the reactions for me; we'll be seeing each other again."_

"Will we?"

_"__Of course. Sooner or later, we always see each other again."_

And she disappeared in a burst of flame and song.

"…Well, that explains where Dumbledore got the phoenix. Shame I couldn't get one as well. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with the plot development. OW! Where did that brick come from?"

I rubbed my head. Good thing I had on a hat, or that could have been much worse.

"Soooo…. I think it's safe to say I'm not in Kansas anymore. What song do you play when the whole world's gone…mad? Oh. Never mind."

My visor flipped down over my face.

_"__Crazy, but that's how it goes._

_Millions of people living as foes._

_Maybe, it's not too late,_

_To learn how to love how to love,_

_And forget how to hate._

_Mental wounds not healing,_

_Life's a bitter shame,"_

Next stop, Madame Malkin's.

"I'M GOIN' OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN!"


	43. Chapter 43

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:43

I clinked my newest coin against the side of my ice cream dish. Fortescue really did make the best lemon sherbet. I'd have to make it a point to save his establishment if the matter ever came up. But it was hardly the most important thing to dwell on at the moment. For instance, the image of intertwined jade snakes that stared up at me from my hand.

I knew perfectly well there was another meaning hidden behind the whole "poke the hive with a stick' imagery. And it was one that only a very special kind of person, one with a deep knowledge of the lore of the alien race known as the Hive, could ever decipher.

Oryx. The Taken King. Ruler of the Hive race. Bit off a bit more than he could chew when he rocked up into the solar system, parked right next to Saturn, and then attempted to wipe out all of humanity, as well as its ally the Traveler. It wasn't until after the dust settled that humanity realized it had been duped into clearing the way for Oryx's sister, Savathun, to ascend to the throne.

There had once been three rulers of the Hive; Oryx, Savathun, and one more sister by the name of Xivu Arath. Oryx had been the Navigator; charting the appropriate course to ensure the Hive race was the only thing left standing at the end of the universe. The Final Shape, he called it. Savathun had been the Trickster, the one responsible for sharpening their enemies upon each other, only to fall upon the victor in a massacre, thereby "proving" the superiority of both the Hive, and herself. And lastly, there was Xivu Arath. The Warrior. The one who taught the very fabric of Time and Space new ways to kill. And when there were none left to discover in this world, she took her armies, and dove straight into the depths of a black hole to wage war in the next. The last I heard, humanity was still huddled under the shadow of the Traveler, waiting anxiously for the prophesied return of Xivu Arath, and what the inevitable conflict between her and the Trickster Queen would bring.

The irony was not lost on me.

Oryx was Grindelwald. Savathun was Dumbledore. Xivu Arath was Voldemort. And wizard-kind was the Hive.

But where then did that leave humanity? There was no Traveler here to cast a shadow for protection. Aside maybe from young Harry Potter, who was, as I just said, young. Too young.

I sighed. Looks like the job fell to me. Again.

This was gonna take a lot of politics, wasn't it?

If Dumbledore was, as the coin implied, the Trickster, it was gonna take a whole lot more than the exposure of his actions against Harry Potter and Sirius Black to get him tossed out of power. He had to die; there was no other option. But whether or not his image would be needed in the fight against Voldemort to come, I could not tell. And until I could, I would keep the fate of Ariana Dumbledore to myself.

Now, the Tonks', the Greengrass', and the Malfoys were all excellent places to start, but I needed people properly aligned with the Light to back me as well. Otherwise, I could very well go the way of Oryx, excuse me, Grindelwald. So, to start, I knew I was going to have an opening by teaching at Hogwarts. It was the perfect in to build a relationship with the Weasley Twins, and hopefully help both them and me into tons and tons of Galleons. Ron, I intended to keep as far away from Harry as possible. The Twins would do a better job of dealing with Pettigrew, and I really didn't want Ron's study habits dragging down any of the new Golden Group I intended to bring together. To say nothing of his rampant bigotry and all-around stupidity.

The Weasleys were all well and good, but I needed better relations with someone a little higher on the food chain, such as the Head of the DMLE. Amelia Bones and her niece Susan were both people I needed to make a good impression on, if they were going to believe any of what I would eventually be sending their way. Such a delicate balancing act; the Malfoys, the Greengrass', and myself on one end of the scale, and the Weasleys, the Tonks, and the Bones on the other. Shame there wasn't another Light family or line into the DMLE I could…

The Longbottoms!

How could I have forgotten the Longbottoms! Neville's parents were easily healable vis Obliviation of the trauma (further proof of Dumbledore's evil tendencies), and once it was done, that would be who knew how many more Wizengamot votes on my side! Plus, the publicity would add into my plans to expose the deliberate ineptness of the Ministry!

I love it when a plan comes together.

Speaking of things coming together, my earlier encounter with young Harry and Draco had gone splendidly. To say nothing of what came after…

* * *

"My _father's_ next door buying my books, and my _mother's_ up the street looking at wands. Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why the first years can't have their own. I think I'll _bully_ father into getting me one and I'll _smuggle_ it in somehow."

The witch at Madame Malkin's had been all to happy to set me up once she had realized just how important the rings on my fingers were. The fact I was now standing within spitting distance of Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter was just icing on the cake.

It was time to throw a Time Lord sized wrench into Donkey-dore's plans.

"Smuggling, Mr. Malfoy? Slightly cunning. The fact you mentioned it out loud right in front of two people who could report it, including one Hogwarts teacher? Slightly less so. You would do well to remember that bragging of one's ambitions is the surest way to get oneself labeled a Gryffindor, and thus as easily exploitable."

Draco sneered. "How dare you! I'm nothing like a _Gryffindor. Gryffindors_ are all talk and no action! They follow whoever the _loudest_ of the bunch is, like sheep!"

"Quite true, Mr. Malfoy. And you might wish to examine the circumstances to determine exactly who the loudest in the room currently is."

He sneered again. That really can't have been good for his looks. "My _father_ is on the Board of Hogwarts Governors. I'll be _sure_ to tell him to keep a _close_ eye on you."

"Please do. I look forward to meeting him. He and I have some…" I deliberately reached up to scratch my face, "…. business matters to discuss."

Draco looked like he had been poleaxed. It wasn't my fault these rings were so noticeable, was it?"

"You…you're…"

"I know you."

Ah, Harry Potter speaks.

"You're the man that made the headaches go away."

"Well, I do believe I did a bit more than that, but you're welcome all the same. How are your aunt and cousin?"

Harry looked down at the floor. "Aunt Petunia's dead."

Bollocks.

"…I'm sorry about that. What, if I may ask, happened?"

"…The Apocalypse."

"Really? Again?"

Harry nodded. "S'what Dean said too. Said it was someone named Chuck. They fought him. Then they all died."

"…_All _of them?"

"Aunt Petunia, and Dean, and Sam, and Jack, and Michael, and…all of them."

Bollocks. Double bollocks.

"…Who brought you here then, Harry?"

Draco's mouth fell open at that. After all, there was really only one famous "Harry", wasn't there?

"Castiel. Aunt Jody and Aunt Donna wanted to come, but they had to look after Dudley, you know."

Wait a minute. Castiel, angel wanted by the Men of Letters, and Harry Potter, Boy-who-lived, had waltzed into England, and no one had stopped them?

I spun around to look out the window. Nope, no sign of Hagrid, or any other wizards I recognized.

I didn't trust it.

"Where is Castiel, Harry?"

"Animal shop. He was looking for me a snake."

"A snake? Can you, by any chance, talk to them Harry?"

"Uh-huh. Aunt Rowena said I was special cause of it."

Well, that oughta put Harry firmly in Draco's slightly-less-evil-graces. I will confess the fact Harry had apparently met Rowena MacLeod, someone I knew very well to be dead, worried me a bit.

"She was quite right, Harry. I look forward to having you in class. And who knows? Maybe I'll even be lucky enough to see you in either Ravenclaw, like your Aunt Rowena, or Slytherin, like me."

Draco finally chose that moment to rejoin the conversation. "But I don't understand! You're a Lord! _Of three Houses!_ Why are you dressed like a filthy Muggle!"

Harry frowned at that.

"There are three very good reasons for that, Mr. Malfoy. The first, is I am obviously here to get new robes, am I not? The second is, when it comes to running away from explosions, climbing down tunnels in ancient pyramids, or twisting and turning in the middle of a duel, you can't beat Muggle clothes. And the third, and most important, is this: it makes people underestimate you. That is the mark of a true Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy. Your allies follow you because they have seen your power, and your enemies stand facing you because they cannot see past your disguise to realize you are stabbing them in the back. Remember that, Mr. Malfoy. I have seen gods killed because they did not fear the Muggle that challenged them. Gryffindors, the lot of them."

Draco would have said a lot more on the subject, but it was then the shop-witch chose to make her return, and after that it was nothing but measuring and colors.

I tried my best to get done in a hurry (I did want to at least try to meet Castiel, after all), but no such luck. I came in after Harry and Draco, I wen out after Harry and Draco. And by the time I left a few thousand galleons lighter and a few tons of robes heavier (I do so love bigger on the inside pockets), neither was anywhere in sight. Figures.

I had wanted to find out more from Harry, specifically about his dealings with Gringotts and the condition of his soul, but I guessed I would have to settle for pointing him in the direction of the one place I could probably keep a better eye on him; Slytherin. After all, I knew all the buttons to push on one specific Potions Master to get what I needed. The rest I could deal with later.

And oh, wouldn't it irk Malfoy that his son had taken a verbal smackdown from me!

Now, there were two things I had left to buy before I could vacate the premises and track down a replacement Basilisk-killing weapon. Namely, books on Runes and Wards, and a wand.

If I remembered correctly, Harry had gone to Ollivander's last, so I would go there first, wait for him, and then make my book purchases afterwards. I continued down the Alley, looking for a sign that read…

_Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands Since 382 BC._

Bingo.

The door creaked open.

You could practically see the dust swirl in the air, dancing in the beams of light. The rest of the shop seemed to vanish into shadow, an obvious attempt to draw one's gaze into the depths, and away from the owner.

"It tends not to end well for those who attempt to come up behind me."

The cracked voice of Garrick Ollivander echoed in my ear. _"Fascinating. You are the first I have ever known to see me coming. It was almost as if you were expecting me. And yet, I think I would remember seeing your face before."_

"Yes. Yes, I suppose you would. Now, as you can surely guess, I'm here for a wand."

_"Of course. Have you owned one before, or will this be your first?"_

"I've owned several before. None seemed to be quite the right match; I had hoped the famous Ollivander might be able to produce one more suited."

_"I shall do my best, my good sir. Might I ask, what were your previous wands composed of?"_

"As personal as that question is, I shall take it in the spirit you meant it. To answer: blackthorn, yew, and elder for the woods, dragon heartstring, thestral hair, and phoenix feather for the cores."

_"Goodness. Three wands. You must truly have an extraordinary temperament for not even combinations of those particular materials to work well for you."_

"So I've been told. Can you help me?"

_"Of course."_

The first one out of the box was… _"Blackthorn. Dragon heartstring. As a basis."_

I took the offered handle. Instantly, the temperature in the room shot up tremendously. You could just make out smoke beginning to rise form some of the more flammable materials.

The wand was instantly snatched from my hand.

"…I think it's safe to say that wasn't the right fit."

_"Yes, yes I think that's true. Oh dear. I very much doubt my shop shall survive this."_

He looked positively gleeful as he said it.

"I can reimburse you for any damages."

_"Quite alright sir, quite alright. You won't be the first difficult customer I've ever had. Now, where did I put it…"_

He shuffled through stacks of boxes, and it wasn't long until he apparently found the one he was looking for.

_"Here. Try this. Holly with phoenix feather."_

In other words, Harry Potter's wand. Damn my curiosity!

I reached out.

Instantly I was wreathed in flame, with two fiery wings arranged behind me. A shining sword grew out of the wand. The image was instantly recognizable.

I was a Dawnblade Warlock. Oh, the irony.

It was a good thirty seconds before the flames faded completely. When the light finally dimmed, I could see Ollivander crouched on the floor, looking upwards in…awe?

_"What __are__ you?"_

"Something else. Leave it at that."

He stumbled to his feet. _"Very well. But at least, we've managed to find a match for…"_

"No. Not this one."

_"But…"_

"I said NO."

_"…As you wish. I can think of only one more wand I have that might possibly work. One I thought I might never sell. Let us see if I was correct."_

He disappeared into the depths of the gloom, re-emerging after quite a long while, cradling a very old-looking box almost reverently. _"Many years has this box sat on my shelf. Over two thousand, in fact. I hope the time has come for it to finally see some use. Try it."_

My fingers gently brushed the handle, and then jerked away.

It had whispered to me.

Slowly, I wrapped my entire hand around the wand. No doubt about it; it was whispering.

In Enochian.

And then, it was no longer a whisper, but a roar of thunder, as the blue crackle of lightning filled the room. In a mirror, I could just make out the reflection of wings once again, made of shadows growing on the wall. And in that roar, and in those wings, I could HEAR AND SEE the story of that wand, echoing throughout all of Time and Space. It seemed an eternity (well, it pretty much was), but when I finally came back to myself, everything was exactly as I had left it.

"…This is the one."

_"Yes…yes, I thought it might be…the oldest wood I could find, yew, from a special tree in the Middle East. And for the core, a single feather, from the wings…of an archangel."_

I froze. My mouth seemed to very much not want to work, but my unoccupied hand more than made up for it with a pull towards the Last Word.

"…Is that so? Which one, I wonder?"

_"Why, the archangel Michael, of course. Who else would stand guard over the most sacred of trees?"_

I swallowed. There were only two sacred trees I could think of that an archangel would deem worth guarding, and somehow, I didn't think I'd gotten the one that grew apples.

"So, you were there then, on that day."

_"…Yes. I was but a young man, but I remember it well. Unscheduled eclipses and earthquakes tend to leave a lasting impression."_

"Yes…yes, I can understand that. So. Another immortal. Great."

_"Oh, I wouldn't go that far, my good sir. After all, how can one tell if one is immortal without living forever?"_

"…Fair point."

_"You said you were…something else. Something not human, I would venture to say. Not even truly a wizard. Perhaps, something a bit more…other-worldly?"_

"…I'm no angel, if that's what you meant."

_"A pity. You would have made a good one, I think. Especially with a wand like that. But, regardless of who or what you may be, it is yours. Many things in life can lie, sir, but the eyes are not one of them. And when you picked up that wand, I could see within them Eternity. You may not be on the side of the angels, sir, but you are for sure one of them. That wand was meant for you."_

"…Agreed. How much do I owe you?"

_"Not a Knut, my good sir. I ask only, that you honor me with your name. Your true name, not the one you use to walk among us mere mortals."_

I considered it. The only real objection I could think of was… "Only if you swear not to tell Dumbledore."

_"Sir, all I shall tell Dumbledore is what he has already requested, namely, if the second wand you tried reacted to someone in particular. Beyond that, you have my silence."_

"…It'll have to do."

_"And, your name?"_

"…Witcher. My name is the Witcher. And now, I must bid you good day, Mr. Ollivander."

_"Good day to you as well, Witcher. And unless I miss my mark, you shall have many great and terrible things in your future. Many things indeed."_

The door creaked shut behind me. Wand acquired, Harry and Draco somewhat sorted, now to wait for…

**"You."**

Castiel.

**"You sent Harry and Dudley. And then you prayed. To me."**

"Yes, yes I suppose I did. Castiel. Angel of Thursday. How are you, old bean?"

**"How dare you. How. Dare. You. You've stolen the face of the man who was my brother, and the voice of the demon who was my friend. When you prayed to me, I thought…I thought Crowley had come back. And so, I helped those you sent my way. But when they arrived, and they saw Dean…I knew. You may think you're a good person, but deep down you're a monster. A shapeshifter with a talent for pain. And you know what I do to monsters."**

He pulled out his angel blade.

Backpedaling, I put up my hands. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's talk about this! You've got it all wrong! I didn't pick this face! Or this voice! I got stuck with both of them after I made a wish!"

**"Lies. Deceptions."**

"It's the truth! I wanted to be like the greatest men I knew of, so I made a trade! My soul, for a new body! I just wanted to save people! Look, you can check if you like! Go ahead! See for yourself!"

**"If this is a trick…"**

"I promise, no tricks. Just, check my soul."

He slowly slid the blade back. A leap forward, and his left arm was around my neck, and his right was buried in my chest. His face went from angry, to confused, to scared, all in the fraction of a second.

**"No…how…you're soulless…how are you alive?"**

"I told you. I made a deal. I think. I have no memory of it. And no, I'm not letting you into my head to see. I am perfectly capable of noticing if my own memory has been tampered with, thank you very much."

**"…That explains that then…"**

"Explains what?"

**"Why you would burn an entire corporation to the ground, just to turn around and save a family from an abusive man."**

"Ima be honest, both of those were for entirely vengeful motives. That corporation thought it would be a good idea to experiment on a friend of mine, as well as other people. I didn't like that. And I'd known about said abuser for a while, that was just the first chance I actually had to deal with it. Hold on…how do _you _know about what happened to Abstergo?"

**"The Assassins you let out. They immediately started dismantling what was left of the Templars around the globe. In the few files they managed to recover was all known information pulled on you, including exactly what you did to them. I don't suppose you happened to recover the Colt from Rikkin's body, did you?"**

"Yes and no. Yes, he had the Colt, no, its not in this world anymore. I'd rather not risk the Men of Letters or anyone else getting their hands on it. Let's just say it's with someone I trust and leave it at that."

**"Good. Harry told me you were teaching at Hogwarts; was he right?"**

"For this year, at least. There's a lot that needs to get done outside of Hogwarts as well, though, so I won't be able to keep as much of an eye on him as I would have liked."

**"I can help with that. I'm here for the school year on business as well; perhaps we can trade off responsibilities."**

"Perhaps. So long as the business doesn't have to do with Dumbledore."

**"Indirectly, yes. Other than that, I'm forbidden to say."**

"…Fair enough. I'll give you a hand looking after Harry, and with any business dealings you may have, provided you give me a hand with a few matters that have been brought to my attention in the wizarding world."

**"…Deal."**

"Thank you. I'm sorry, by the way. Harry told me what happened. Well, part of it, at least. I always knew Chuck was going to go too far one day. How did it happen?"

**"…Sam and Dean, they…they sacrificed themselves to bind both Amara and Chuck…Amara showed them how…Jack held Chuck at bay, but didn't kill him…Death didn't like that…Michael stopped her."**

"…I'm sorry."

**"It's alright. Things could be worse. Sam rules Hell now, with Ketch. Dean and Jack are taking care of Heaven, making new angels. They can't leave, but we can still visit. Occasionally."**

"Harry mentioned Rowena. How did he…"

**"The ritual. Someone needed to come back to life, from Heaven, Hell, and the Empty."**

"Sooooo…who came back from Heaven?"

**"A hunter you might have heard of. Ashe. He and Charley have hit it off over computers."**

"Yeah, well, considering how much hacking they do, it wouldn't surprise me."

**"I assume you were here for a wand?"**

"Yep. Isn't she a beauty?"

Castiel froze when I pulled my wand from my sleeve. **"Is…is that wand…"**

"Whispering in Enochian? Yes. Made from an archangel feather and a piece of a two-thousand-year-old cross? Also, yes."

He reached forward.

"Oi! What are you doing?"

**"…I merely wished to inspect it."**

"Yeah, well, considering that it's one of Michael's feathers, and when I picked it up for the first time, lighting lit up the whole place, I really don't think that's a good idea."

**"…You make a valid point."**

_"Excuse me." _Came a voice from below.

I looked down, into a pair of impossibly blue eyes.

_"I've never seen a Time Lord before. Are you friends with the angel? And why does he want to handle your wand?"_

There was only one person I knew of who could say things like that and be perfectly serious, and her name was…

"Luna, dear!"

Luna Lovegood. This day just could not get any better.

"Luna, dear, what have I told you about talking to strange people!"

_"Oh, they're not strange Daddy! One's a Nargle hunter, and the other's wearing a Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"_

How on Gallifrey could she see my Kephri's Sting gauntlets?

"Oh, well that's alright then! Have they introduced themselves?"

_"Not yet, Daddy!"_

"Well, get on with it then!"

Luna turned back to us. _"Sorry about Daddy, he can be a little strange at times. Now, name time!"_

**"…My name is…Castiel. I'm an angel of the Lord."**

_"Oh, do you mean him?"_ She pointed to me.

"No Luna, I'm afraid not. Another Lord. My name is the Witcher, but most people call me Hadrian. Prince Hadrian Howlfang."

_"Oooo, a prince! Are you going to save me from my tower?"_

"Only if you would like that, Luna."

_"I think I should like that very much. Especially if you come back with your TARDIS."_

Home run three for Luna Lovegood.

"Well, my TARDIS isn't too fond of alternate worlds, but if I can swing it, I'll come back for you on your birthday in a few years. How does that sound?"

_"Yay! A birthday ride!"_

Home run four.

_"You will come back soon, won't you? I mean, a year isn't very long to stay."_

Keep racking them up.

"Of course I'll come back Luna. I always come back for my friends."

Her eyes widened. _"I'm your friend?!"_

"Certainly. One of my very best friends. In fact, you're such a good friend of mine that when I come back on your birthday, I'll buy you all the pudding you can eat. And then I'll introduce you to someone I know who managed to deep-fry it."

_"You know Glossaryck?!"_

"Well, let's just say he's a friend of a friend."

The small blonde proceeded to torpedo me in the legs. _"Thank you, thank you, thank you! It'll be the best birthday ever!"_

I hugged her back. "It sure will be, Luna. Now, I believe you had better get back to your Father."

_"Oh, pooh. Catch you on the Flip Side, Mr. Castiel and Mr. Hadrian!"_

"Catch you on the Flip Side, Luna."

Castiel and I watched her bounce back into the crowd.

**"That was…"**

"Luna. That was Luna. Her whole family is psychic; her gift just got blown out of control when she saw her mother die."

**"…I see. I suspect some of the matters you spoke of revolve around her."**

"Her and her father. He owns one of the two magical newspapers in the entire UK, and since wizards as a whole are way behind the times, the power of print remains very strong."

**"I can understand that. Harry should be coming this way soon. Apparently, he made a new friend that is introducing him to a game involving flying broomsticks, and since he has few enough friends as it is…"**

"Gotcha. Well, I've got quite a lot of books to pick up from Flourish and Blotts', and then I believe ice cream afterwards, so I believe the next I'll see of you should be at the bunker."

**"You know where the bunker is?"**

"I hacked the Templars, Castiel. I know where all the bunkers are. Oh, and you may want to pick out a wand for yourself. Wizards have the ability to teleport ridiculously far away using it; they call it Apparition. Should be a somewhat viable replacement for your wings, if there's actually a wand you can use."

**"…Thank you. But I have to know, why? Why are you so…unlike…other soulless people?"**

"…Because there's another soul I have tied myself too. It's not perfect, but it keeps me out of the deep end. Catch you on the Flip Side, Cas."

**"…Catch you."**

* * *

Thank Gallifrey there had been enough copies of books for me to buy two of each; one set to store at the bunker (temporarily), and one to carry around in my coat. It wasn't a perfect solution, but when I left, I fully intended to add on to the Old Girl's library. Volumes from other worlds were severely lacking, after all.

I sighed, and put down my spoon. This really was excellent ice cream. Shame I wouldn't have time to enjoy much of it in the month to come.

"Why, Prince Howlfang! Such distinctively rugged wear! Do you, by any chance, have ties to the Muggle world?"

Speaking of time I was most definitely not going to enjoy…

I faked a smile. "Please, Hadrian, Miss Skeeter. After all, we're all friends here."


	44. Chapter 44

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:44

"Hadrian, then. I must say, when someone of your station requested for me of all people to interview you, I was expecting you to be a little more…"

"Stuck up?"

Skeeter grinned in a way I did not like. "I was going to say 'stiff.'"

"Same thing. And to answer your question, Miss Skeeter, I do indeed have ties of a sort to the Muggles. It is a known fact of the world that Muggles tend to produce better and better versions of things that already work perfectly well for them. And one must keep at least one step ahead of their developments if one wishes to remain undiscovered. For example, the Muggles now have a device that is practically undetectable via wizarding methods, that can copy and send back to its owner any conversation it overhears. I believe they call it a…bug."

Skeeter's grin froze on her face. That was one memory for the Pensive. "I don't believe I need to go onto any further detail, do I, Miss Skeeter?"

"No…no, of course…I understand…"

"Good. Now, I believe I promised you an interview, did I not?"

"…Yes…"

"Well then. Shall we begin?"

Skeeter shook herself from her daze, and pulled out her quill.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, Miss Skeeter. No Quick-Quotes, if you please. I promise, whatever you see fit to ask me, the answer shall need no embellishment."

Wouldn't it just.

She hesitated, then nodded, and replaced the Quick-Quotes quill with a normally enchanted one. It readied itself over her pad, and waited.

"Prince Howlfang, when did you first become aware of your inheritance?"

"Surprisingly, not until I decided to open an account at Gringotts."

"But you have been a part of the magical world for how long?"

"Oh, since 1895 officially, I would reckon."

The quill stopped hard at that.

"Really? Over a hundred years? You've managed to keep your looks quite well, if I might say. Have you by any chance found the Fountain of Youth?"

"I'm afraid that it continues to elude me, Miss Skeeter. The explanation for my longevity involves a rather disastrous accident involving a Time Turner, a packed sandwich lunch, and two rubber bands."

"Rubber bands?"

"A Muggle invention. Extremely useful for holding quills and parchments together."

"I shall have to acquire some then. So, if you are truly older than you appear, is there any chance that other such blessed individuals have sought you out?"

"If you are referring to the Flamels, I am afraid I am only passingly acquainted with the Lady Perenelle. In fact, she was the one who kept nagging me to go and open that account. You know how it is; mean to do one thing, get distracted with something else, and the next thing you know it's a decade later."

"…I can't say that I do, but I quite understand the sentiment. Now, rumors have circulated that there is to be a new History of Magic Professor at Hogwarts, and those self-same rumors accredit you as the replacement. I was under the impression it was the Headmaster who appointed new staff. Has he officially given you the job?"

"Officially, and truthfully, I gave myself the job. After all, owning half of the school…" I moved my hand to reveal the Ravenclaw and Slytherin rings on my fingers, "tends to come with some benefits."

Skeeter's eyes bugged out of her skull. Oh, this was just too much fun. I couldn't wait to read the newspaper when it came out tomorrow. From a safe distance away, of course. I had no intention of letting Dumbledore corner me before I had things well in hand. And after tomorrow's article, he would certainly be looking.

"…I apologize, Prince Howlfang. You were quite correct. This story needs no embellishments."

I smiled, and got back to business.

* * *

I had opted to spend the night at the Leaky Cauldron. I knew Tom could be quite tight-lipped for the right amount of money, not to mention provide a fairly decent breakfast. After finishing off the last of the beans and toast, I had checked on my latest acquisition: a certain snowy white owl. It had struck me earlier that Harry had mentioned getting a snake, but no other pets. And Castiel hadn't had an owl cage with him when we had met. I had doubled back, and sure enough, the lady was still waiting. I had promptly bought her, and named her.

"And after all girl, if I were to name you anything but Hedwig, I think the fangirls might bludgeon their way into this reality, and then bludgeon me. OW! Okay, for real! There's not a single other brick in the ceiling, and the only one chooses to fall on me?"

Hedwig seemed amused by my poor luck. "Oh sure, laugh it up. You and your mound of bacon. Just for that, I've got work for you today. Three notes, there on the table. One for Ted Tonks, one for Lord Greengrass, and one for Lord Malfoy. And don't get them mixed up!"

Hedwig huffed, as if indignant I would ever suggest such a thing. She took the offered notes, and flew off through the window. There wasn't much to do until she returned, so I took out one of the very many 'history' books I had acquired the day before, and sat down to study.

I was interrupted around elevensies by a "HOOT!" directly behind my book. I lowered it to reveal a very pleased looking Hedwig, holding three replies in her beak.

"Well that was quick."

Hedwig preened even more at that.

"I think there's some bacon left over I was planning on putting on my sandwich, but I reckon you should have it. Go on then."

She set down the notes on my plate, then hopped over to her treats. I slit the first envelope often. Excellent; Malfoy would meet with me tomorrow, in the afternoon. Plenty of time. Next letter; Greengrass would look for me this evening. Better and better. And for Tonks; time and address in Diagon Alley, directly after lunch. Fantas…I did a double take at the name of the law firm at the top of the stationary.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

The sign hung above the door in direct contradiction to my statement. _Doof And Schmirtz, Wizards-At-Law. _It was like Fate wasn't even trying anymore. I sighed. Still better than Fleecem, Beetem, and Cheetem. I pushed open the door.

"Lord Howlfang, to see Theodore Tonks."

"Yes sir, Mr. Tonks said to expect you. You can go right in."

Well this was nice. Rather unorganized desk, but that was to be expected.

"Lord Howlfang, if you'll just take a seat, I'll be with you directly."

Ted hadn't changed much from the last time I'd seen him on screen. A little less dead, but that's what time travel will do for you. All of the pictures around contained only combinations of himself, Andromeda, and Nymphadora. Obviously, a family man, but not close to his parents. Natural, considering the circumstances. I intended to make sure his family lasted for quite a bit longer than it originally had.

"Now then. You mentioned quite a large amount of potentially murky business in your letter, Lord Howlfang. I'm not one to brag, but we here at Doof and Schmirtz make our living in the murky waters of legal affairs. And there's absolutely no case too large for us to take. By all means, let us help you with your problem."

"Problems, Mr. Tonks. And not just mine. I'm here for the sake of several other individuals, as well as myself, who have made this list of matters we feel need to be attended to."

I slid the psychic paper across the desk. Gringotts and the middle of Diagon Alley was one thing, but there was no way a law firm didn't have listening spells everywhere.

His eyes widened as he went point by point over what had appeared. The imprisonment of Sirius Black, the matter of the Potters' wills, the Longbottoms, Harry Potter's placement, the list went on and on. At the bottom, was a separate message.

_"If you still feel this case isn't too big for you, invite me around for dinner. It would probably be in both of our best interests if Dumbledore and other concerned parties were not party to the contents of this letter. I fully intend to make it profitable for both you and your family. Yours, Prince Howlfang-Ravenclaw-Slytherin. P. S. This message will disappear in five seconds."_

"…Well, that certainly is a mess you seem to have uncovered, your Grace."

"Hadrian, please. After all, we are going to be working together, I hope?"

"…Yes, I believe we will be. In fact, why not come 'round to dinner to discuss things more fully. Shall we say, tomorrow?"

"…That will be quite acceptable, Mr. Tonks. What, if I may ask, is the address?"

He told me, and laid out the best way to get there to boot.

"Seven o'clock. Don't be late."

"A wizard is never late, Mr. Tonks. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Ah, a man of culture, I see."

"Yes. In more ways than one. Good day, Mr. Tonks."

"Good day, your Grace."

Now, to try another flavor of that marvelous ice cream.

* * *

I may have the reflexes of a Time Lord, but I also had thirty years of experience with a slightly shorter body, all of which culminated in an almost disastrous exit from the Floo system.

"Your Grace, I do not believe I have ever seen anyone do a twist mid-air to land on their hands upon entry into my home."

"Purely accidental, I assure you. I would say it was a fortuitous circumstance I'm wearing Muggle cargo pants, wouldn't you?"

"Indeed."

I sprung off of my hands to land right side up…facing the Floo. A quick turn, and I was greeted with the smirking visage of Lord Greengrass.

"First time?"

"When you've traveled as far afield as I have, one learns to do without the Floo, and rely on…"

I smoked directly behind Greengrass.

"...Other methods."

He slowly turned; eyebrow raised. "Impressive. No apparition is allowed under these wards, except to my family members. The same for portkeys. And while there may have been smoke, it lacked the fire of Dumbledore's phoenix. Might I ask, how was it accomplished?"

"A good magician never tells. The same cannot be said for good businessmen. Perhaps I shall tell you eventually, if we can build a…profitable relationship first."

"I look forward to it. Now, what profit can you bring to the Greengrass business today?"

"The location of a thousand-year old Basilisk, and the slaying thereof. All body parts and organs renderable as of this moment in Time, the proceeds of which will be split between our Houses."

"...You jest."

"Never on a Thursday, Lord Greengrass."

"My word. A Basilisk. Where in Merlin's name did you find it?"

"Slytherin's Chamber of Secrets. Well, I should say _my _Chamber of Secrets."

My rings flashed in the firelight.

"…So, the rumors are true, then. I had heard of snatches of conversations being overheard in the Alley, but to have their wildest contents confirmed…is truly remarkable."

"Read all about it in tomorrow's Daily Prophet."

"Cuffe?"

"Skeeter, actually."

"Really? How…delightful."

"When one possesses the right key for a lock, one can get in anywhere."

"Might you be persuaded to lend me that key on occasion."

"Perhaps. If we can build a…"

"More profitable relationship, yes."

I grinned. "You're catching on."

Greengrass poured two Fire-whiskies. "Very well. What might the terms be for such a relationship? A Basilisk is one large bargaining chip; what might you wish in return?"

"To put it bluntly? Context. Knowledge of the Wizengamot's inner workings is one thing; knowledge of the Wizengamot itself is quite another. I need to present three faces for each of my seats, until I can find a way to unite them all behind my own. To that end, I would like to offer the proxy of the Slytherin seat to your wife, under the condition certain…gaps…in my understanding of alignments be rectified."

"…An altogether suitable arrangement. Shall we discuss it over dinner? I'm sure the rest of family would be…keen…to meet you.'

"I would hate to impose."

"…It would be my pleasure."

He raised his glass, and offered the other to me. "Your health, Lord Howlfang."

I copied his pose. "Your wealth, Lord Greengrass."

We drank. No Gargle Blaster, but it did have a nice burn.

"Shall we go in?"

"By all means."

As I followed, I couldn't help but think that this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

* * *

The dinner went surprisingly well, considering I had less than a single clue exactly what the order of things was in wizarding society. I earned more than a few small chuckles with my antics, but it all worked out in the end. Lady Greengrass (Sunny, I learned her name was), was particularly inquisitive, asking all sorts of questions about my various (supposed) adventures.

Their youngest, Astoria, was an absolute powerhouse of conversation, and as far as I could tell, seemed to spout out whatever she felt like saying. It was adorable, in a "too-high-on-sugar" way. By contrast, their oldest, Daphne, barely put two words together during the whole affair. She seemed to spend most of the time discreetly analyzing everyone else's behavior and statements. I could see where she earned the nickname "Ice Queen". There were a few glances shared between her and her mother at certain points in the conversation, especially the ones that revolved around sticking it to the Wizen-geezers. Lord Greengrass almost fell out of his chair laughing once I revealed exactly who I intended to get for the Ravenclaw proxy. I think that particular revelation sparked the longest glance of all.

By the time Astoria had worn herself out, it was more than past time to go. I bid them all good night, and Floo'd back to the Leaky Cauldron. All in all, a very profitable day. And with a certain article coming out, tomorrow promised to be even more so.


	45. Chapter 45

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:45

Next morning, same deal. Breakfast for both Hedwig and I, followed by mail call. It wasn't long before Hedwig returned with my fresh-off-the-press copy of the Daily Prophet, and I settled in to read. Thank goodness there weren't any pictures; I really didn't want to make Bumble-dore's job any easier than it had to be.

"HEIR OF RAVENCLAW AND SLYTHERIN TO TEACH AT HOGWARTS!". Humph. I could practically hear the extra exclamation marks. Figures that would be the angle Skeeter took; the name Howlfang wasn't exactly well-known. And I certainly didn't intend to let it slip to the general public about my apparently royal blood and magic. Skeeter had certainly gone all out; no embellishments, but more than enough flair for even Gilderoy Lockhart. Speaking of which, I'd definitely have to remember to do something about the fop in the future.

I sighed, and folded my paper. Time to move on to the next order of business: the Ravenclaw proxy.

"Feel free to go exploring, Hedwig. I don't anticipate being back until after lunch."

She nodded, hopped up on the windowsill, and flew off into the sky.

Just outside the Cauldron, I stuck out my (relatively) brand-new wand and waited.

*BANG!*

The Knight bus stood gleaming in front of me.

"Where to, gov?"

"Ottery St. Catchpole."

"Right, that'll be…"

I dropped the fare in his hand and swung aboard.

"…Kay then. Take her away, Ernie!"

Approximately seven minutes and one final *BANG* later, we arrived. I avoided the conductor's obvious attempts to fish for a round-trip fare, and set off in the direction of a very specific house. A tower, one might say, that looked as if it had absolutely no business still standing.

"The Rookery."

Exactly how it was supposed to look. And there out in front was the man I had seen two days before in the Alley, and who could certainly be none other than one Xenophilius Lovegood.

"You're late, you know. We should have been snapping pictures ten minutes since."

"I'm…sorry?"

"Oh, its quite alright. After all, Blubbering Humdingers always arrive precisely when they mean to, don't they?"

"…Yes, yes I suppose they do."

"Well, come on then, we've got a lot to do."

"We do?"

"Certainly. You're going to show me the Crumple-Horned Snorkack you're carrying, I'm going to pull out my camera and start snapping pictures, you're going to ask where Luna is, I'm going to reply that she's visiting young Ginevra at the Burrow, you're going to offer me the position of Ravenclaw proxy, I'm going to accept on the condition you tell me what you know of the Deathly Hallows, and then we're going to get along with the house on fire."

"…Isn't that 'like' a house on fire?"

"Not at all, you're going to help me put out the printing press after I accidentally leave it running too fast. Either that or my vat of pudding will boil over. Now, are you coming or not?"

"…I'm coming."

"Of course you are! Now, we haven't got all day, you the least of us! Allons-y!"

…I think it's safe to say I'll never, ever, be bored when dealing with a Lovegood.

And ironically enough, there actually was a fire, involving both the press _and _the pudding. Remind me again why the Lovegoods aren't filthy rich from betting on Quidditch?

* * *

"Lord Malfoy."

"Lord Howlfang. Or is it Ravenclaw-Slytherin?"

"Howlfang will do splendidly."

Lunch had been a rather hurried affair, consisting of fish and chips from Speedy's in London. After which, I had smoked back to my room in the Cauldron, refilled Hedwig's food and water, changed into my new dress robes, and Floo'd off to meet quite probably the second most dangerous man in England (third, if you count myself).

"An honor to make your acquaintance, Lord Malfoy."

"The honor is all mine, sir."

It was quite obvious the man had been sweating. Probably a combination of my less than friendly encounter with young Draco two days ago, as well as the morning's paper. I did so love to see bullies squirm. Not that I'd ever let that slip.

"Although I stated as much in my reply to your letter, I feel I must once again apologize on behalf of my heir. His conduct towards both you and the Heir Potter was less than becoming, and he has been properly…chastised."

"Quite alright, Lord Malfoy. I myself may not have been young for quite some time, but I well remember the…hot-headedness…that comes with youth. As they say, no harm, no foul."

"I thank you for your discretion, my Lord."

"Please Malfoy, Howlfang will suffice. Business partners should be a bit beyond titles, should they not?"

"Yesssss." He practically hissed. "Business partners. Draco communicated to me that you expressed a desire to deal with House Malfoy. I was absolutely delighted when your letter confirmed it. Please, take a seat. We have all afternoon to discuss it, after all."

I nodded, and took the offered chair in front of the fireplace (the one not for Floo'ing, obviously).

"So, what might someone such as the Lord Howlfang-Ravenclaw-Slytherin wish to do for the Magical House of Malfoy?"

I leaned backwards and brought my hands together under my chin. "To be honest, my dear Malfoy, I intend to do exactly one specific deed for you and your House. What you make of that deed, and what I make of it, is entirely up to the each of us respectively."

"…And what, pray tell, is that deed?"

"Why, I intend to make you Minister of Magic, of course."

"…Would you mind terribly if I…" He gestured towards the decanter.

"By all means."

His hands were trembling as he poured. Two glasses, each double the normal amount. He knocked back one in a single gulp, and took the other back to his seat.

"…And how, may I ask, do you propose to accomplish this feat?"

"Easily enough, Malfoy. The ruination of Fudge and his toadies (Hah! Good one, me!) has already begun. I anticipate a new Minister, no, a new _Ministry _by Yule this year…"

"And the methods used in said ruination?"

"Simple. You, through me, will uncover such a mountain of filth that it will bury anyone it touches, including names such as Fudge, Bagnold, Crouch, and most importantly, Dumbledore."

"…You are no friend of the Chief Warlock, then?"

"What, the infamous 'Oh Hear His Many Names And Tremble Ugh, Ugh?' I should say not. There is a very old proverb, Malfoy, that I think fits here perfectly: it is somewhat more troublesome to track and swat an evasive wasp, than it is to shoot, at close range, a wild elephant. But the elephant is more troublesome if you miss. Every threat that Dumbledore has faced has had all thee markings of a rampaging elephant, but upon closer examination, they're all proved to be mere wasps when compared to him. Even the late Master of the Dark Arts, powerful as he may have been…well, let us just say that Dumbledore is an elephant we cannot afford to miss."

"…I quite agree. How, and where, do you plan to shoot him?"

"The Potters. Specifically, the disappearance of the infamous 'Boy-Who-Lived.' Dumbledore assured the world he was perfectly safe, did he not?"

"Repeatedly."

"And yet, upon his very first visit to the magical world, is there any sign of Dumbledore or his minions? No. Three years ago, by sheer happenstance, I came across where the 'Leader-of-the-Light' had stashed his precious savior. Do you know where? With his Muggle relatives. Something I know the Potters, as less than intelligent they may have been, would have forbidden in their wills. After rescuing young Harry, with Fumble-dore none the wiser, I remind you, I went searching. Imagine my surprise when I find the wills of the Potters sealed, on the orders of a certain whiskered wanker."

"…To seal the wills of an Ancient and Noble House is…"

"The height of stupidity and arrogance, yes. Of course, he may have felt he had no other choice. I suspect that listed first as a substitute magical guardian for young Harry was the then Heir of House Black, or failing that, the House Black proxy. Convenient then, that Sirius Black is thrown into Azkaban, without a trial no less, and well-known Dumbledore stooge and friend of the Potters disappears, leaving behind merely a finger."

"…You are suggesting…"

"I suggest nothing, Malfoy. I know. It is furthermore my understanding that the Longbottoms were also on the list as possible carers for Heir Potter. Once again, a Fidelius is supposedly broken, by someone relatively high up in the Ministry."

"Crouch Junior."

"Correct. Broken, or leaked on the orders of his father and the Chief Warlock? You decide."

Malfoy swallowed the entirety of his second glass. "…What do we do?"

"I'm glad you asked. I have my lawyer digging up whatever evidence he can find. The firm of Doof and Schmirtz has yet to fail me, and when they have found me a molehill, I will make the mountain out of it."

"And you will bury the Ministry alive."

"Yes. But I need a front man to lead the charge. If there's one thing I've learned from our beloved Headmaster, it's that its devilishly hard to work from both London and Scotland."

"Quite. So, I am to be your 'front man', as you put it?"

"My dear Malfoy, which of us would the media be more willing to accept digging around in the matters of Houses Black, Potter, and Longbottom? The proxy of House Black, and possible rightful guardian of Heir Potter, or the Lord of an only recently-slash-resurrected line who may or may not have illegally moved around the Boy-Who-Lived?"

"…The whole affair in Madame Malkin's…It was staged, wasn't it?"

"For our enemies' benefit, yes. Best to let Dumbledore think he's fighting a war on two fronts: from the Dark, and from the Grey. We will be each other's front man."

"…I see."

"Yes, I thought you might. I'll have my lawyer send you what he can as soon as he acquires it. For now, I would ask only one thing in return."

"And that would be?"

"A guided tour of St. Mungos. I believe its time for the Longbottoms to give a firsthand account of what happened that night, don't you?"

"…If you can pull that off, I'll help get you into the bloody Department of Mysteries."

"My dear Malfoy, whoever said I needed help getting in there? I really must be going; I promised my lawyer an illuminating dinner tonight. Catch you on the Flip Side, Malfoy."

"…Adieu, Lord Howlfang."

* * *

"So. You're Ted's client."

"If he'll have me, Mrs. Tonks. I am a notorious nightmare to people like your husband, after all."

"And what people would that be, Lord Howlfang?"

"Why, people who play by the rules, Mrs. Tonks."

We managed straight faces for about fifteen seconds before the sniggering started. The next thing I knew we were both standing practically keeled over, howling in laughter.

"Ted! Play by! The rules! WHEEEEEEZE! What lies _has_ he been telling! Oh, I can't breathe!"

"Neither…can I! Oh that was just priceless!"

She straightened up with a grin on her face, and stuck out her hand. "Andromeda Tonks, Lord Howlfang."

I grasped it and shook firmly. "Hadrian, oh lovely Andromeda Tonks."

"Hush you, or my husband will hear. He's a very jealous man, you know."

"Yes, I gathered as much from the photos in his office. Any doubts I might have had about his abilities disappeared on seeing a picture of you with him; after all, he has to have a few brain cells hidden in there if he could score such a fair lady as you."

"One would hope. I must apologize for my wayward daughter; she was supposed to be here, but was…" here she cast a suspicious glance upwards towards the ceiling, "…unavoidably detained."

I tsked. "Such a shame. I had hoped to meet the fair lady, and perhaps entice her to a ride on my new motorcycle after dinner. Well, I suppose I shall have to settle for enticing her equally beautiful mother."

There was a tremendous *THUMP!* from somewhere in the house.

Andromeda sighed. "Nymphadora, what have I told you about running down the stairs?"

"And what have _I _told you about calling me that ridiculous name? Hullo, you must be the stuck-up Dad's having for supper."

"And you must be the punk rebellious teenager that is obliged to hate her name on principle alone. Hadrian."

"Tonks."

"Really? That's the best you could come up with for a replacement? Sticking with your last name?"

"You don't like it; you give me a new one."

"Oooo, bold offer, Miss Tonks."

She started spluttering, Andromeda grinning like a Cheshire.

"But I shall do my best. Now, 'Gift of the Gods'. Bit pretentious, but lots of history behind it. How bout we do to it what needs doing to most of wizarding society; take the meaning, and match it up with something decidedly Muggle, and thus almost always improved?"

"…Go for it."

"Now, the closest I can think of is 'Samuel' which means 'Asked of God', and the female version of that is 'Samantha', so how bout we split the difference and call you Sam?"

"Hmmm. Not bad."

"Sam it is then! Oh, and sorry. I lied earlier."

"About what?"

"About the bike. I did have one. It just got…stuck."

"Stuck."

"Yeah. Stuck. In another dimension. Very wobbly, time travel is."

Nym-Sam, excuse me, blinked once. Then twice. "Time travel."

"Yepppppp."

"…You and my dad are gonna get along fine."

"I certainly hope so, Sam. Oooo! Is that Chinese I smell?"

* * *

All in all, a very successful dinner.

I had nailed each point one by one over the egg drop soup, and then piled up the evidence over the lo mein. Sam's hair must've cycled through the rainbow at least three times before I was done, and by the end even the unflappable Ted Tonks had his mouth stuck open.

"Merlin. I knew. Didn't I tell you Ted, all those years ago? Dumbledore wasn't just incompetent; he was malicious!"

"Crikey. And I've got a whole year left in Hogwarts."

"Yes, and I'm going to be stuck teaching for him for the same amount of time."

Ted unstuck his jaw. "Really? Just a year? If you can last that long, why not longer?"

"One, because there are more things in Heaven and Hell than are dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio. Two, because I have it on very good advice from a future version of myself not to stay longer than that. And three, I have some very worried friends in another world to get back to eventually."

Andromeda nodded. "Well, when you put it that way…"

"Hold up, is no one going to point out the bit where he got advice in the past from the future?"

"Why, you worried about the legality?"

"Merlin, no! How on Earth did you manage it without creating a paradox?"

Sam mouthed a silent "Told you so."

"Well Mr. Tonks, most people think that Time is a strict progression from cause to effect, but actually, its more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly…timey wimey…stuff."

Andromeda's eyes glistened. "Started out well, that sentence."

"It…got away from me, yeah."

"Always nice to see a fellow Doctor Who fan."

"Oh, yes. I've met him. The real one, not the TV one. His chin almost put my eye out."

"The Eleventh Doctor? You've met him?"

"Of course. Who else would I go on Time-related hijinks with?"

"…Fair point."

We stayed around that table well into the night, discussing anything and everything, and when we were finally done, I had a lawyer who would go to Hell itself to bring down Dumbledore, a proxy to sit the Howlfang seat, and best of all, an ally in the school year to come and beyond. The fact that my leather coat kept drawing intense glances from Sam had absolutely nothing to do with it, I'm sure.

* * *

"Narcissa?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"It appears I have made an error. If I had not accepted the guilt of one Sirius Black without question, and conducted even the pittance of an investigation into the matter, the Boy-Who-Lived may very well have grown up with our Draco."

"…Oh dear."

"Quite. We shall play Lord Howlfang's game, dear. And in the end, who knows? Perhaps our true Lord will rise again, with new powerhouses backing him, wearing the names of Potter, Black, Longbottom, Howlfang, Ravenclaw, and most importantly, Slytherin."

"…Yes, my lord."


	46. Chapter 46

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:46

"Well, that's not gonna work."

I had once again spent the night at the Cauldron, making sure to draw attention to myself when I left in the morning. I had left the room reserved until the end of the month, but I frankly doubted I would be stay there beyond tonight for any duration before the start of term. Still, better safe than sorry. And it would give Dumbledore something to worry about.

I had decided to determine my best method for vacating this world when the time came. Naturally, my first thought had been of the Rabbit-Hole in Scotland, and the Tree above it. So, after making sure I wasn't being followed, I had smoked to what I felt was a safe distance, and approached invisibly.

Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Oh, I could clearly see the Tree alright. It now stood in the middle of a courtyard, just past the front gates of a massive facility. One with quite a lot of guards and guns. And hounds. Oh, and the symbol of the Men of Letters above the gate. And I wasn't about to try any magical stunts near what I presumed was the most anti-magic organization since the Templars themselves.

"Seriously? You had a perfectly nice base already set up at Torchwood House; why would you move out here? Unless…"

I activated my visor and zoomed in as much as possible. There! A plaque, right in front of the trunk. I could just barely make out…

Oh. Well, that explains why a Tree could lead to the space between dimensions. Branch of Yggdrasil. Hmmm.

"And the only reason I can think of for building your base around it is you're trying to protect it. Ironically enough, probably from Torchwood. It doesn't seem as though you're using it yourself to go exploring, which tells me yet another thing. You're just not keen on the idea of _anyone _using it. Which means you'd probably take exception if I tried to. Oh well. Couldn't have hurt to try. Back to London then. I've got some messes to clear up before I can pay a call on the assorted morons at the bunker."

I shimmied back down the hill, and smoked away.

* * *

"Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business."

"My name is John Winchester, and I have come here to chew bubblegum, and to kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum."

"The Ministry of Magic welcomes you. Have a pleasant day!"

Huh. Whaddya know. It actually showed up on the buttons. Hilarious.

I proudly pinned on my badge that read "John Winchester. Bubblegum-chewing and Ass-kicking", and continued on my way. Dwalish was the Auror on duty; he barely even glanced at me as he checked my wand, and then waved me through. Understandable reaction: after all, why would anyone pay attention to someone dressed in Muggle clothes?

Their mistake.

I had stumbled on to my current plan a relatively long time ago, practically on a whim. I had asked myself the question, "Why on Earth would Dumbledore carry around a map of the London Underground on his knee?" The answer, of course, was simple, once I put a few things together: The Underground was the perfect avenue for a break-in to the Ministry of Magic. And now I was heading directly for the section that was practically right on top of the Tube. To wit, the Family Records and Archives. I was actually here on legitimate business as well; if I could find a copy of an official Godparent Adoption Ceremony for one Sirius Black and one Harry Potter, I was sure Ted would have a field day. But that was secondary compared to the heist I had planned for Sunday night.

Albus Dumbledore was the sort of person who always had an ace up his sleeve; I intended to make as many as I could fall out in compromising circumstances. The first on the list was his ability to enter the Ministry unnoticed. It took a fair amount of moved bookshelves, but eventually, I found what I was looking for: a set of runes, chiseled into the stone. I had already been to the opposite side of that particular wall earlier that day to get a good picture of the place in my head (invisibly, of course); it was ridiculously easy to sneak around under London. Now, the time came to test my theory.

I smoked across. Then immediately, I smoked back.

Nothing. No alarms of any kind. Perfect. I now had a believable cover story. I moved the bookcase back (not completely, just enough to be barely noticeable) and got down to business. Time to find what I could find.

Two hours later, I had my proof. I immediately copied all the forms I had found, then replaced them exactly as I found them. Hedwig was certainly gonna love all the mail she was about to be carrying.

The next order of business was a great deal more complicated. I took me at least another two hours to make my way invisibly to the office I wanted. And after that, it was another twenty minutes before said office had a visitor for me to sneak in behind. Perfectly understandable; I wouldn't want to deal with the owner of this particular cubicle unless I had to, either.

After a thankfully short meeting, the visitor left, and the object of my destruction went back to her paperwork. Reaching across her desk, I yanked out her heart, and held it up to the light. Yep, just as black as I suspected.

"Freeze, Dolores Umbridge."

I loved magic.

"You will not speak. You will not call for help. You will not attack me. In two minutes, you will walk to your door, and hold it open for a further fifteen seconds. After that fifteen seconds has passed, you will shut the door, and sit back at your desk. You will then forget that any of this ever happened. Nod if you understand."

She slowly nodded.

"Good. Now, tell me the easiest way to find Walden MacNair, Corban Yaxley, and Madame Edgecombe."

She did so.

"Excellent. You may now open the door."

I crouched down, and waited for my invisibility to activate. It did so just as the door swung open. I slowly made my way out into the corridor, and set off back for the records room. After all, someone had to see me leaving, didn't they?

Not long afterwards I was back out on the street, the heart of Dolores Umbridge stored in one of my many pockets, and a clear plan for the next week to come. I could hardly wait.

First, I made a quick pit stop back at my room at the Cauldron.

"Hiya, Hedwig. Have a good day?"

"Hoot-hoot. (So so)."

"Gotcha. Now, because I value your good opinion, I'm telling you what I'm about to do so you don't try and track me down across an entire ocean. I have here some documents that need to go to Ted Tonks. A reply isn't necessary. Once you're done with that, you can either come back here, or go poking around some more around town. I should be back some time tomorrow; then you can decide whether or not you'll be bouncing around with me or sticking around here. Sound okay?"

"Preck (Fine)."

"Good. Take care girl."

She gave me a look that clearly said, "I always take care!", before taking the package and flapping off.

Once more, I smoked across town, to a spot I knew was frequented by less than zero people. I disappeared down an alley, and after checking for any witnesses, smoked away.

I had never tried to transport myself this far before; the trip to Scotland hadn't seemed to take any more energy than normal. Still, best to cut down on as many variables as I could. First, it was to the coast. Then, it was to Galway Bay in Ireland. Iceland. Greenland. Nova Scotia. New York. St. Louis. And finally, the little town of Lebanon, Kansas.

Good; I had only begun feeling tired just past the Empire State Building, one of the few places in America I could remember with any degree of accuracy (thank you, documentaries). I could make it back to London again no problem in time for tomorrow's shenanigans.

I trudged up to the front door of the bunker, and gave it four solid knocks.

It was a solid thirty seconds before the door swung open.

"…I honestly don't know what else I expected."

"Hello to you to, Castiel. Here, as a peace offering."

"…What is it?"

"You're telling me you don't recognize pie when you see it? Just, take it."

He sighed, and took the box.

"I must warn you; we've got some visitors. Ones that will probably react badly to your…"

"Understandable. I won't be the first time I've had a knife at my neck or a gun at my head."

"…Sorry about that."

"Quite alright. I'm the one that's probably gonna end up saying sorry fairly soon, if what I have to say goes over as well as I think it well."

"…And what's that?"

"Let's get inside first. Some things are better said only once."

"…Follow me, then."

As I walked behind him, the door clanged shut with a familiar finality. For better or worse, the Winchester clan was about to get heavily involved with wizards and witches. I just hoped I could hold things together long enough to get done what needed doing.

* * *

*SPLASH*

"…Not possessed, as you can…OW! Not a revenant either, bejaysus woman!"

"Oh, I know. That was for being a jerk and dumping your problems on the boys all those years ago. That being said…I owe you a drink for killing that humongous waste of space known as Vernon Dursley."

"…I'll hold you to that, Sheriff Mills. Now, might there happen to be a towel around here?"

"In the kitchen. This way."

"I'm familiar with the layout of a Men of Letters bunker, Sherriff. "

"Jody. Its Jody."

"Jody, then. And I'm…"

"The dude who apparently can't stick to a single name, I know. Cas told everyone when he found out."

"Of course he did. Where are the boys?"

"Probably watching _Scooby-Doo _in Harry's room."

"Ah, so he does stay here! Excellent. Makes things easier."

"And what things we talking about?"

"Well…"

Any semblance of conversation stopped when we stepped into the kitchen.

Rowena, I was expecting to see sooner or later. It had probably driven her spare when she couldn't make it to Diagon Alley with the boys. Magic was her love, after all, and any new knowledge along those ley-lines would have been irresistible to her. After thinking it over for some time, I had come to the conclusion that however she had ended up one of the founders of Hogwarts, it probably hadn't happened yet, judging by how neither Crowley or Gavin MacLeod had been listed as heirs to the Ravenclaw line. More time travel: yay!

Ketch was a bit of a surprise; I knew he was acting as Sam's right-hand man now, and that as a demon, he was probably even more effective at his job than ever. To see him in the bunker instead of someplace a little hotter was unexpected, to say the least.

But none of that was what made the scene in front of Jody and I awkward.

It was the rather passionate snogging the witch and the assassin were currently engaged in. Well, that explained why Ketch was hanging around here, of all places.

"Seriously you two? Couldn't you at least find yourselves a closet?"

They broke apart looking quite flushed. Ketch was the first to recover any semblance of control. "My apologies, Sherriff. I shall endeavor to remember that for the next…"

Anything he might have been planning to say next died on his lips as he realized Jody hadn't come into the room alone.

"You. You're real."

I made a show of looking down and poking myself. "Am I? The definition of 'real' seems to get a bit blurred whenever I'm around."

"Your mask. Put it on."

"Why, may I ask?"

"I need to know. For sure."

I shrugged. "In for a penny…"

I activated my visor.

"…It really is you. When Castiel showed us what the Assassins had found, I'll admit, I was skeptical. After all, it's not everyday you find the real-life doppelganger of a man who has supposedly been dead for over half-a-century."

"I'm sorry, I'm what now?"

"Sir Witcher. Knight of Northumberland. Second ever Man of Letters. Appointed by Queen Victoria herself. Your portrait is on permanent display in their Headquarters. Wearing…" he pointed, "…that exact mask. And you've been listed as Missing in Action for, well, practically forever."

Sometimes, I really hate time travel.

"…You don't say. I don't suppose that gives me any sort of leeway to just stroll in, does it?"

"I should say not. They'd probably throw you in the deepest dungeon available, if not because of your identity being doubted, then because you somehow managed to live a century beyond what was believed without showing any signs of age. Believe me; I've seen it happen."

"Ah. Captain Jack Harkness?"

"Who?"

"Guess not."

A certain red-headed witch decided she had been left out of the conversation long enough. "I'm sorry dears, but I'm afraid I'm just not quite understanding. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm getting from all this is that this…renegade, that managed to take down both one of the largest corporations in the world, as well as the secret organization that sponsored them, has somehow also either come back from the dead, or achieved immortality?"

"Technically it's both."

"…Arthur dear? Why didn't you tell any of us this?"

"…I…well…"

"Never mind. Now, I'm sure you've probably had a long journey from…London, I'm guessing?"

"You could say that."

"Well then, how about I put the kettle on, and we all settle down and explain ourselves to each other. Arthur dear, if you would be so kind as to fetch Harry and Dudley, and find out where tweetie-pie angel has wandered off to."

"But..."

"No buts, dear. I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for you to catch up with one of the original members of Librarians Incorporated later."

"…Yes dear."

I watched him walk away, a definite slump in his shoulders. "Got him properly whipped, then?"

"Well dear, when one is unable to visit Hell itself for first-hand information, it is always advisable to keep a tight leash on the most reliable source of the second-hand."

"Hold up. You can't visit Hell? When did that happen?"

"The same time we took care of ye olde pompous windbag. Didn't the tweetie-pie tell you?"

"All he told me was that Dean and Sam got stuck during the ritual, but that it was still possible to visit them."

Rowena and Jody shared a glance. "Will you tell him, or shall I?"

Jody held up her hands. "You were there Red, hell, you were at the center of it. You know more than I do how it happened."

Rowena sighed. "Very well then. If you would be so kind as to get that kettle started, I'll handle it."

"Sure thing."

Rowena gestured to the table. "Have a seat, dearie. This…isn't going to be easy."

I slowly sat. "…What happened."

"…You have to understand, dear, there always has to be balance. One cannot just simply bind someone like Chuck without consequences. Sacrifices had to be made on both sides. Ironically enough, it was young Harry that suggested the plan. If you can bind one, why not bind the other at the same time, and have the two losses cancel each other out?"

"…I'm not sure I like where this is going."

"Oh, trust me, it gets worse. Jack, being Jack, and Dean, being Dean, thought it would be a good idea to get Amara on our side. If she would willingly agree to be bound with her brother for all eternity, it would make things easier."

"And were they?"

"For a while. Amara showed us the ritual to use; it came in two parts. The first, required three souls to be brought back to life, one from each afterlife, and to stay alive. Permanently."

"…And you were the one brought back from Hell."

"Correct! That clever little hacker friend of the boys was the one they took from Heaven, but for the Empty…well, there was really only one candidate at the time."

"…Who?"

"Why, Castiel, of course. The Empty came for him in place of Jack. The boys went and got him back."

"And now he can't die. So what?"

"You're not getting it dearie; it's not just that he can't die. It's the fact he can't enter the afterlife. Ever."

"…And Sam and Dean can't ever leave it."

"There you go. The second part of the ritual; three souls, all passing on, and never coming back. It was going to be Jack and the boys, but in the end, Death found out what we were doing, and She and the Empty joined forces to try and stop us. Amara fighting Chuck, the Empty fighting Jack, and Death fighting everyone else. In the end, when everything seemed hopeless, two things happened. Harry's aunt, I believe her name was Petunia, killed Death with Her own scythe. Death got her as well, but that was enough. And Michael, still riding Adam Winchester, showed up. He dragged the Empty back to its realm, and gave his own life in place of what would have been Jack's. The ritual worked; Amara and Chuck both disappeared forever. I presume they're still fighting, wherever they are now. And poor Castiel was left to look after two young boys practically all on his own."

"…The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death. Ironic."

"Quite so, dear. Quite so. The boys can still visit the…well, the boys, but neither Castiel nor I can go with them. Jack comes by sometimes, but he is rather busy up in Heaven making new angels. He tried to find Miss Petunia and give her the option, but she wasn't in Heaven. And dear Arthur searched high and low in Hell, with no luck. No one's been able to bring themselves to check purgatory yet. And well, I'm pretty sure the Empty wouldn't be too keen to tell us."

"…Understandable. I really bollocksed things up, sending them here, didn't I?"

"No, dear. You gave those two young boys a set of fathers; you gave Petunia a family; and you gave Sam and Dean a reason to keep fighting. And that was all they really needed."

Jody set the warm kettle on the table between us. "Tea's done. Even found some…"

I tore open the package. "Jammie Dodgers! Fantastic!"

Rowena poured herself a cup. "That'll do just nicely, Sheriff."

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it."

"Understood. Hey, you made it; take some!"

"No thanks. Not really into British food."

"Rowena. Jody. Witcher."

I turned around. Castiel and Ketch were standing there, along with Dudley, and the main reason I had come all the way to America in one day.

"Hi guys!" I held up the open pack. "Anyone want Jammie Dodgers?"

* * *

"Is it him?"

"No doubt about it. Ninety-three percent match, although the sweater is new."

"I don't like it. There's only one kind of person we know of that can randomly appear and disappear on security recordings."

"Well sir, with all due respect, his name is the Witcher. Did you expect him to take a bus?"

"Keep monitoring. If things have gotten bad enough for the Witcher to take an interest in wizarding society, we could finally get the authorization to shake things up in there."

"The Muggleborns will be happy to hear that, sir."

"Won't they just."


	47. Chapter 47

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:47

I looked down into the cold, blazing eyes of Castiel. "Can't we talk about this?"

His grip stayed tight, and I stayed stuck between a rock and a hard place. Specifically, the wall.

"There's nothing to talk about. You decided, in your arrogance and self-righteousness, that just because you thought you knew what you were dealing with, you could do as you wished. You could have destroyed his soul!"

"In my defense, I could just have easily destroyed my own, if I had actually had one."

"Cas, maybe you should let him down. It's pretty clear he had no idea he was missing his soul when he did what he did; and whoever this Moldy-wart was, the idea of part of his soul being stuck to Harry scares me more than Harry losing part of his own."

"Jody, with all due respect, you haven't seen what I have. I know what losing part of your soul does to people; or have you forgotten what happened to Mary Winchester."

Jody reacted as if she'd been slapped.

"I will not let that happen again. Not on my watch."

"Neither will I. Why do you think I came all this way? As soon as I realized what had happened, I knew I had to find out, and fix it, if I could."

"And can you, dear?" Cas and Jody turned to look at the redhead. "Fix it, that is."

"…I'd have to see his soul, first."

"I can check its condition just as well as you can."

"I said see it, not check it. There's a difference."

Jody put her hand on Cas' shoulder. "Cas. Please. Let him at least try."

"…Very well. But I will be watching you very closely."

"Noted."

Slowly, he lowered me to the floor. "Jody, if you could bring in Harry."

"Sure. Just one thing."

*SLAP*

I rubbed my jaw. "…I may have deserved that."

"Yep. And now that's two drinks I owe you."

I watched as she walked away. "Now that, is a woman."

"Agreed."

Rowena took a sip from her tea. "So, dear. Quite a story. Wizards, witches, a Dark Lord, a prophecy, a master manipulator, and soul magic. Like an adventure novel."

I snorted. "You have no idea."

"I suspected something larger than normal was afoot when the clearance for Cas to accompany Harry came, along with a message that made it quite clear to me that if I were to show it would cause a riot. Wandless magic by a nameless powerful witch would have put the fear of…well, of me into them."

"That's…one way of putting it. I did at least pick up some new study materials for both you and Harry while I was there."

"Oooo, let's see the loot!"

I began to pull out the copies of wizarding literature I had set aside for the bunker. By the time I was done, the entirety of the table was practically covered.

"…You do know how to treat a lady, don't you?"

"I try."

Cas looked even more confused than normal. "…How did you manage to fit so much into your pockets?"

"Well Cas, there's two explanations for that. The first is they're bigger on the inside. The second is…Magic!"

"…Can you…"

"Add the same ability to your own coat? If you like. Now, I will point out that the Potions teacher at Hogwarts had an obsession for Harry's mother, and hates Harry based on that principle alone, to say nothing of how he blames him for her death."

"And it would be in Harry's best interest not to antagonize him."

"Exactly. If you do nothing else, hammer all possible Potions related knowledge into his head between now and September. It should throw Snape off his game long enough to at least give Harry a chance."

"Snape? Unpleasant name."

"Unpleasant man."

"I can imagine. Not to worry; we'll have a grand old time learning together, won't we Harry dear?"

I swiveled back just in time to see Jody coming back in, Harry following behind.

"Hello Harry! Sorry about earlier; there just wasn't any good way to tell that story."

"It's fine. Aunt Petunia told me what happened to my parents; I just didn't know _why_ it happened. Thank you. For telling me."

"Of course. Now, if it's alright, I'd like to just check something really quick to make sure those headaches don't come back. Is that okay?"

"…Will there be any more…"

"Runes? I doubt it."

"…Then okay."

"Right. Now, hold very still Harry; this won't hurt, it'll just feel a little…"

_*SCHLORP*_

"…Weird."

"…Is that…"

"His soul? Yes."

"…It looks whole to me."

"That's what I was afraid of."

"What do you mean?"

"Look. Here."

Running from the very center of the heart, directly to the surface, was a slender, cone-sized projection, entirely pitch-black.

"The Enochian only burned off just enough of his soul to absorb what it could of the Horcrux."

"Can you cut it out?"

"Not without cutting out even more of Harry's soul to go with it. They're interconnected now; any attempt to harm the bad will harm the good as well."

"And…does that mean…"

"I don't know. I just don't know. The good news is this; if he doesn't get any headaches from the scar in the future, we can safely assume it isn't attached to Voldemort anymore. And thus, not a concern. Well, beyond him probably knowing things he might not ever recall learning."

"Such as?"

"Hold on. Here you are, Harry. Shouldn't be a problem."

"Can I put it back in?"

"…If you like…"

_*SCHLORP*_

"…I have to admit, seeing somebody doing that to themselves just looks wrong. Now, to test. Harry, where would I find a bezoar?"

"In the stomach of a goat…how did I know that?"

"See? There you go."

"And that means what, exactly?"

"Well, for one, he'll probably be able to learn most of his spells and potions far faster than normal, simply because they'll already seem familiar to him. There is one other thing he may get out of this. But to check on that, we need a trip to Gringotts."

"I thought you said it was a good idea to stay as far away from Dumbledore as possible until absolutely necessary."

"I did. I meant the Gringotts' in New York. All Gringotts' branches are technically the same bank; it just exists in different places at the same time. Master enchanters and warders, goblins are."

"And what, exactly, can possibly be in store for him at Gringotts?"

"You mean beyond the absolute boat-load of gold that's been left for him by his parents? Well, that's for me to know and you to possibly find out."

Harry had jerked his head around at the mention of 'gold', Cas at the mention of 'parents'. They spoke practically in unison: "What do you mean…"

"…Go ahead, Harry."

"…What do you mean, gold?"

I smacked myself in the head. "Right! No Dumbledore means no Vault key, something that'll for sure get the Goblins riled up. Long story short Harry, your family was relatively well off, and tremendously old. In fact, there's probably a history of the Potter family in one of those books over there. Further proof of exactly how much power Dumbledore has, if he managed to spirit away the only remaining member of an Ancient and Noble House. You'll have quite a lot of money waiting for you in an account at Gringotts; whether or not Dumbledore's left a way for you to access it, much less been stealing from it, is another matter entirely."

Harry's eyes had widened upon hearing about a history of his family, and had practically dived into the pile of books. Cas looked on with no small degree of exasperation. "It would have been nice to know all of this while we were still in Diagon Alley, before we had to pay the regular way."

"What, and have Dumbledore potentially learn that you were in town? I think not. Now that we're in America, we can make a lot more noise without being noticed."

"So, when do we leave for Gringotts?"

"Oh, not until tomorrow at the earliest. I doubt you'll be able to pry Harry away from that book before then." I nodded towards where Harry had dug up a volume on Norman history, and was now perusing it with vigor. "And for another, I've got one more thing that's right up your alley."

"And what might that be?"

"A werewolf hunt. One where we want the target alive."

"And why may that be?"

"He was friends with Harry's parents, for one. For another, he could potentially be a spy on Dumbledore for us. And lastly, I need to hit him in the face with a chair for being a coward and not looking after Harry for the last ten years of his life. Oh, and if we can either cure him or give him control over his transformation, we can destabilize the entire werewolf pack structure of England."

"I thought the Men of Letters killed any and all monsters that set foot over there."

"Regular monsters, yes. Unfortunately, due to a very long series of circumstances, I've come to believe that they tend to give magical monsters a wide berth. Especially magical werewolves."

"And is this friend of Harry's parents magical?"

"Why yes, yes he is. His name is Remus Lupin. And he's going to help us hunt the most powerful werewolf in the entire United Kingdom; one Fenrir Greyback."

"Really? Remus? Fenrir? Lupin? Greyback?"

"Yeah, I know. Fate likes to take liberties to make things even more meaningful, at least that's what I think the idea is."

"I'm sure. Now, do you have any idea where this Remus Lupin is?"

"None at all. I came here first to make sure you had all the ingredients for the werewolf cure, as well as a place to hold him in the interim. He won't be hard to track; loners never are. It's the people who hide in crowds you have trouble finding."

"The cure shouldn't be a problem; and I think our dungeons are up to snuff."

"Dungeon talk already, Castiel? Things moving a bit fast over there, eh dear?"

"…Is it bad that you're the second witch that's made that kind of comment about us standing together?"

"No, just delightfully ironic. Now, how would you feel about helping us sort through these books?"

"…Might as well. Cas? You know where best to put these?"

"…I can think of a few empty bookcases."

"Oh, and do you mind if I crash here for the night? It turns out magical transport over an ocean takes a lot out of me."

"…You teleported all the way from London to here?"

"Oh, goodness no. Never a good idea to try that long in one go unless absolutely necessary. I frog-hopped from there to here."

"…And can you move multiple people with this magical transport?"

"Don't worry Cas. A trip to New York in the morning shouldn't be a problem."

"Both I and our gas gauges thank you."

"I'm sure. Now, I believe we were supposed to be moving books, weren't we?"

* * *

"Go ahead, Harry. Remember to say what I told you."

"…Greetings, Master Goblin. May the blood of your enemies flow from your blade."

"…And may the gold of your enemies flow into your vault. What business have you with Gringotts today, human?"

"I wish to have a new set of Vault keys made, and remove the access permissions from the old set."

"Name on the Vaults?"

"Harry James Potter."

"…Very well. Follow me humans."

Once more unto the breach…

"Account Manager Bloodfist, Heir Potter is here. He desires a new set of Vault keys."

Bloodfist looked up from his paperwork and sneered. "Incompetent humans. I suppose you lost the old set?"

"No sir. I was never given them, and it is my belief they are in the possession of a man who would wish me harm."

"So you say. You will still have to pay for the new set, and prove you are who you say you are. Only then will we deactivate the old set. Please use this knife and bowl to procure a sample of blood."

Fifteen seconds later, Cas, Harry, and I were all staring down at the parchment.

**_Harry James Potter_**

**_Heir Apparent by Blood of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter_**

**_Heir Apparent by Magic of the Most Noble House of Black_**

**_Heir Apparent by Blood of the Most Ancient House of Peverell_**

**_Heir Apparent by Magic of Most Ancient House of Slytherin_**

**_Heir Apparent by Magic of Ancient House of Gaunt_**

**_Magical Ward of Prince Hadrian Hamish Howlfang_**

**_Magical Ward of Lord Sirius Orion Black_**

**_Magical Ward of Tom Marvolo Riddle, Junior_**

**_Marriage Contracted to Ginevra Molly Weasley by Albus Brian Dumbledore_**

**_The Boy-Who-Lived_**

"…Well, Shmebulok."

"Witcher? What does all this mean?"

Harry looked up at us with wide eyes. "Am I gonna have to get married?"

"Oh, I doubt that Harry. That contract was drawn up by someone who is most assuredly not your Magical Guardian; therefore, it might as well be used for kindling for all its worth. No, it's the other stuff on that page that worries me."

"Human? The other human has referred to you as Witcher; is this your name?"

"Yes, Account Manager Bloodfist, it is."

"…The presence of you and your party is requested by the Chairman of the Goblin Nation. Please follow me."

"May we take this parchment with us?"

"It is of no concern to me; do with it what you will. Come; the Chairman is waiting."

I muttered to myself as we walked. "Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen. We dare not go a hunting, for fear of little men."

"You didn't answer, Witcher. What do all of those titles mean for Harry?"

"It means, aside from being stupid rich, he will potentially hold…" I did a mental tally, "…Twenty-three votes on the Wizengamot. Huh. That's even more than I do. Anywho, that's only if the Houses of Black and Slytherin can't produce an Heir by Blood for each line. Even then, he'll still hold at the very least thirteen votes."

"I'm assuming that's a lot of power."

"An astronomical amount, yes. By contrast, the two most powerful men on the Wizengamot right now, aside from me, are Dumbledore, with seven votes (five of which are illegal), and Lucius Malfoy at six (five of which are also illegal, but we might want to leave alone for the moment to keep him focused on Fumble-dore)."

"I expect that with that much power there will be expectations of his behavior, yes?"

"You could say that. Luckily, I have several aces up my sleeve to teach him. The real problem is who he was listed as the Magical Ward of."

"Yes, I'm afraid I didn't recognize any of those names aside from yours."

"Lord Sirius Orion Black is the man I firmly believe was listed as Harry's guardian in his parents' wills; whether or not we'll ever actually see those wills is another matter entirely. Dumbledore promptly had him thrown into prison on the charge of betraying Harry and his family; this document, plus some other information I've already passed along to my lawyer, should theoretically put paid to that."

"And Tom Marvolo Riddle, Junior?"

"The original name of Voldemort. And the original owner of the fragment of soul that Harry absorbed. Which is why Harry is now listed as the Heir for House Gaunt; old Tommy-boy was officially the last of the Gaunts. The fact that Voldemort was never able to claim the Lordship has something to do with his dissected soul; since Harry has a complete soul, he doesn't have that problem."

"I'm sorry, are we skipping over the fact where a Dark Lord has more authority over Harry than practically anyone else?"

"Let's put it this way, Cas: would you rather he be under the thumb of someone like the Headmaster of Hogwarts, the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and Supreme Mugwump of the ICW? Or merely tangentially connected to the currently dispossessed ghost of a former Dark Lord? Count your blessings, Castiel. Many, many worse things could have been on that parchment."

"…I'll take your word for it."

"Wait here, humans. The Chairman shall be with you shortly."

"Is there a protocol for dealing with the Chairman of a Goblin Nation?"

"Oh, you have no idea…"

* * *

"Once again, Blade-Dancer, you bring good business to the attention of Gringotts. You were correct in your suspicions as to the tainted object we spoke of before; it has been returned to the correct Vault, and a substantial fine has been levied against the original depositors."

"I thank you for your speed, Chairman Ragnok."

"Yes. Now, it has been made known to me that this young human is the Heir Potter, and that through a series of events he has been deprived of his heritage rights by one Albus Brian Dumbledore. Is this correct?"

Harry nodded. "Yes sir, Chairman Ragnok."

"And were you the one to bring this matter to the attention of Heir Potter, Blade-Dancer?"

"I was, Chairman."

"When Account Manager Bloodfist returns, we will have ascertained the damages, and thus the extent of the…" Ragnok's eyes glistened, "…_fines _we can impose upon the Dumbledore Vault."

"We eagerly await then, Chairman."

"So do I. In the meantime, I should very much like to know the story of how the angel of your party has become the only one I have ever seen to successfully wield a wand."

I swiveled to look at Cas. "Really? You didn't tell me?"

"You didn't ask."

"Well, not only am I asking now, but so is He! Spill!"

"…The man at the shop, Ollivander, said he suspected it was because I had only one soul residing in my body. If I still had my human host, no wand would have matched both of us simultaneously. But since I do not, he was able to produce a suitable match."

"Gringotts grants you permission to draw your wand, angel, if you would be so kind as to let us see it."

Slowly, Cas let his wand slide out of his left-hand sleeve, turning it horizontal to avoid any appearance of ill-intent.

"…The wood appears to be aspen. And the core would be unicorn hair, I suspect?"

"No, Chairman. Phoenix feather."

"Fascinating. In payment of this knowledge, I would recommend to you the history of a group known as the Silver Spears, famous for accepting only the owners of aspen wands."

Cas bowed, and replaced his wand in his sleeve. "I thank you, Chairman."

The door at the end of the room swung open.

"Bloodfist! What is the final report on the dealings of one Albus Brian Dumbledore with the House of Potter?"

Bloodfist grinned toothily. "Terrible, Chairman. He has siphoned funds from both the main Vault and the Trust Vault; he has not granted access to the latter to Heir Potter as should have been done; he has negotiated an illegal marriage contract and bride price in Heir Potter's name with House Weasley; and he has sold off House Potter property illegally and kept the proceeds for himself."

"Excellent! After the appropriate _punishments _for these infractions, and the return of appropriate funds to House Potter, how much money is House Dumbledore left with?"

"Less than a thousand Galleons, Chairman."

"And that, Harry, is why you never swindle goblins."

"Yes sir."

"Bloodfist! Have you the new set of keys for Heir Potter?"

"Yes Chairman. Here is the Trust Vault key, Heir Potter. You shall receive the key to the Main Potter Vault upon reaching your majority and the assumption of your Lordships. Understood?"

"Yes sir."

"That is all, Chairman."

Ragnok stood. "Do the Houses of Howlfang, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Black, Potter, Peverell, or Gaunt have any further business with the Goblin Nation?"

"No, Chairman."

"Does the Blade-Dancer have any further business to bring to the attention of the Goblin Nation?"

"No Chairman."

"Then this meeting is concluded. May the faces of your enemies be trampled under your feet."

"…And may the nightmares of your enemies be filled with your victories."

"Another new one! Excellent! Keep up the work."

"Of course."

* * *

"Back to the bunker, then?"

"Yes, I believe that would be wise. I promised Dudley and Harry we would have a _Scooby-Doo _marathon; and I for one intend to enjoy Jody's popcorn."

"Well said. Right! Hold on!"

"…That was…not as unpleasant as the last time."

"Oi, I am still getting the hang of this! Just be thankful I'm not using Apparition; dreadfully unpleasant to everyone except the person doing the Apparating."

"…I'll remember that."

"Can I go now, Uncle Cas?"

"Of course. Remember; no snacking until after lunch."

"Okay!"

"…Good kid."

"Yes. He and Dudley have been through a lot; its nice to see them get a chance to relax."

"Well, I've got to be heading back to London for the night; take care while I'm gone. See what you can find on that group Ragnok mentioned; if I'm not familiar with them, maybe the Men of Letters were."

"Understood."

"And no practicing magic while I'm gone! At least not without Rowena; stick to Potions if you can. Those are easier to fix if they go wrong."

"When will you be back?"

"If all goes well, not until tomorrow morning. Late. Don't wait for me."

"I'll get that werewolf cure put together for when you get back. Are you sure it will work? After all, Lupin is a magical werewolf."

"No idea. That's why we're doing this now; I'd rather have as long as possible to work on a solution before the full moon. Goodnight, Cas."

"Goodnight, Witcher."


	48. Chapter 48

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:48

I do so hate late-night operations.

But it had to be done; there was no other appropriate time.

Nova Scotia; Iceland; London. That was about the length I was still comfortable with between stops; after all, I needed to conserve my energy for what was to come. I smoked down to the part of the Underground directly opposite Dumbledore's hidden entrance to the Ministry of Magic, and then through to the room beyond. Here was where it would be done.

I pulled out the heart of Dolores Umbridge. "Make two copies of every single file and document you possess that deals with blackmail, yours and any others. Once you have finished, bring those copies to the Department of Family Record Archives in the Ministry. Tell no one of your task; give no indication that anything is out of the ordinary."

That ought to take her awhile. On to the next order of business: raiding the Department of Mysteries. I crouched, activated my invisibility, and scuttled away.

Love? No. Space? No. Here we were; Time. Really, I don't know what wizards were thinking when they created these things; Time Turners were an absolute abomination against the fabric of reality. They made my head hurt just looking at them. Then again, those self-same wizards were the ones that let a thirteen-year-old girl use one to take extra classes. Maybe being a wizard automatically meant your common sense was lowered by fifty percent. I would have to be extra careful to make sure that didn't happen to me. I dumped all of the Time Turners into my pockets and continued on.

The Veil of Death? Not today, thanks. Wait a minute…there was something written above it… That hadn't been there in the movies.

Old High Gallifreyan. There was only one person who would use that sort of graffiti to get someone's attention.

"Hello sweetie."

Good to know River Song had been here before and made her escape. If she could do it, it would be that much easier for me, an actual magic-user, to do the same. I turned, and continued my search for the tertiary purpose of my visit. Ah! There it was. The Hall of Prophecies.

"I still don't believe Trelawney actually had a repayable memory of this thing. Seers aren't supposed to ever remember their prophecies. Something else to investigate when I get to Hogwarts. Welp, only one way to make sure old Moldy-Shorts never gets to hear this thing."

*SMASH!*

The prophecy played out in full. Huh. The timing and pitch differed from the rendition I remembered. Yet another inconsistency. Whether or not that was due to Trelawney herself, or something a bit more, I fully intended to find out.

I vanished the remains of the prophecy; it was no use to anyone else now. And it was most certainly not a good idea to let anyone know it had been tampered with. To that end, I closed my eyes, concentrated, and magic-ed up as good of a duplicate as I could muster. It would probably have been easier and far more convincing if I was using my wand, but I had no idea if the Unspeakables had a way to track wand magic down here, plus I really didn't want to risk over-powering anything and potentially make a bigger mess. I was pressed enough for time as it was.

Right, that seemed like everything. Back to the Records room. Just in time, here came the toad herself. I raised the heart and whispered to it. "Stand still. In ten seconds, you will fall into a deep sleep that no amount of sensation or disturbance shall be able to rouse you from."

Umbridge nodded absent-mindedly, responding to the orders of her still invisible controller. Ten seconds passed…

_*THUMP*_

I'm sure if anyone could have seen me, they would have beheld a rather nasty grin stretched across my face. "Time to go to work."

* * *

Blimey, just what did toads eat with their tea? Someone that small had no right being that heavy. Still, everything was in place. The Ministry would get a rather rude awakening in the morning. One I would unfortunately be unable to witness. I had a previous engagement. I smoked back through the wall of the Records room just in time to get hit with a flying white ball of feathers.

"Hedwig! How are you girl!"

"Hoot-HOOT!"

"Yes, I know its late, but I promise you, the wait will be worth it. I've got a job for you, and then we'll grab some bacon in America. Sound good to you?"

"HOOT-Hoot!"

"Thought so. Here, take this to Ted Tonks' office. He'll know what to do with it."

I handed her a letter containing the document I had taken from Gringotts, as well as a note to Ted explaining he was to copy it, edit out of the copy anything to do with me, and forward the doctored copy to Lucius Malfoy.

"Hopefully he doesn't see the hole in the road until its' too late. I'll be waiting in front of the Daily Prophet when you're done. I promise not to leave without you."

"Hoot-HOOT-Hoot."

She took the letter, and flew off down the tunnel. I was struck by a thought; just how did Post-Owls operate? Something else to add to the plate.

To the Cauldron. Specifically, the alley just beside it I was coming to rely on for all my unnoticed entrances.

Here was where those Time-Turners were going to come in handy. Just this once, though. I really didn't like carrying around the equivalent of a Belgium atomic bomb in my pocket if one should break. And I was carrying enough to turn it from a Belgium into a Russia. I took out one of the devices, doing my best not to be physically sick as I held it, closed my eyes, and spun the dial backwards.

I opened my eyes. Three in the afternoon. Perfect. I made my way once more into the alley, then down to the offices of the Daily Prophet. I had originally wanted to do this anonymously, but I really needed the street cred with Skeeter. That, and I really wanted to see just how big here eyes got when she realized exactly what she was holding.

The wizard working at the desk gave me a rather odd look when I told him a "bug-collector" was here to see Rita Skeeter, but he did his job regardless, and half a minute later I was seated in the parlor of the spider.

Skeeter looked more like a cheetah on the prowl with those glasses and that gleam behind them, but I doubted I would be the object of her fascination for much longer. I plunked down the entirety of one copy of Umbridge's files in front of her, and watch confusion fall over her features.

"What's this?"

"Something that needed to come to light. Recently, some very sensitive material from the office of the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister was leaked, and put up for sale to the highest bidder."

"And I didn't know about this how?"

"No idea. And truth be told, I don't want to know. Just looking through the first half of this stuff made me almost physically ill; still, it was worth every Galleon of what I ended up paying."

"And what, you're just handing it to me? Where's the catch?"

"All parties concerned who bid on this item all knew where it came from; it won't be long before certain parties think it's a good idea to pay a call on the poor Undersecretary. One; I want my name kept out this as much as possible. I don't want those same parties paying me a visit. And two, I need an itinerary."

"A what?"

"A list of places which I might conceivably visit in a search for lost relics from the age of the foundation of Hogwarts. And then I need you to make little remarks when and where you can that I was spotted at those places in a believable manner."

"And are you? Looking for relics?"

"My dear, I already know where two of them are, if not more. And you shall be the first to get the scoop when I recover them. Do we have a deal?"

"…Deal."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Miss Skeeter."

"Likewise. You know, I'm not busy this evening. Perhaps you and I could have dinner?"

"I would very much like to Miss Skeeter, but you seem to have forgotten something."

"And that is?"

"I'm supposed to be traveling. Farewell."

* * *

I had, of course, decided once more to stop for ice cream, against my better judgement. Technically speaking, I had nothing left to do while waiting for Time to catch back up with me, so adding some credence to Skeeter's cover story might not be the worst of ideas. I could think of a few places to go looking, or at least give the appearance of it. That was, of course, until my plans were changed by a certain House-Elf.

"Excuse me sirs. You's beings Great Lord Howlfangs?"

Thank Gallifrey the room was almost completely empty.

"…Maybe. Who wishes to know?"

"The Master Lord Malfoy's bes sayings to takings the Great Lord Howlfangs this note. He says he be watings for a reply at his concveniences."

"Well then, in that case you have done a very good job, because I am indeed Howlfang."

Dobby's (for who else could it be?) eyes widened. "You's be saying Dobby's be doing a good job? Oh, what a great wizard the Great Lord Howlfangs is being!"

"Why thank you, Dobby."

"Thank you! The Great Lord's Howlfang's be saying thank you! To Dobby!"

I was afraid the little guy was about to have a melt-down on the spot.

"Of course, Dobby. Now, if you'll stand there quietly, I'll read the note, and send you back with a reply. Can you do that?"

"Dobby's can be doing that Great Wizard Lord Howlfangs sir!"

Ah, the time and place for the St. Mungos tour. Friday. Perfect. Two full days past the other parts of my plan. I penned a quick reply (keeping pen and paper in my boots turned out to be a fantastic idea), and folded the note.

"If you wouldn't mind waiting one more moment Dobby, I'd like to ask you to do something for me."

Tears started leaking out of the poor fellow's eyes. "You's…be asking…oh, yes, if Dobby's can, Dobby's be doing!"

"Good. Now, tomorrow, quite a lot of things are going to happen. If your master begins destroying documents, would you mind making a copy of them and hiding them?"

He nodded vigorously. "Dobby's can be doing that. But Dobby's cannot be betraying Master's secretses to yous."

"I understand Dobby. So, what I am going to do, is offer to buy you from your master. If he agrees, then I will become your new master, and you can show me whatever you managed to copy. If he doesn't agree, then you will have done nothing wrong, and we'll forget all about it."

Slowly, a smile began to grow on Dobby's face. "…Dobby's be understanding."

"Fantastic. Here is the reply for you, Dobby. Take care of yourself."

I thought the little elf was going to start crying again, but he pulled himself together, took the note, and disappeared. An unexpected diversion, but not unwelcome. I now had a timetable that extended beyond Wednesday. And a mighty big stick to hold over Malfoy if I succeeded.

I was already bored.

Time to go hunting for Remus Lupin in England.

* * *

Nothing.

Not a sign or trace of him anywhere. Either the Men of Letters were really good at their jobs, or he just wasn't here to be found. I suspected the latter. Especially I had gotten what I suspected was the last known position of the next werewolf on my list: Fenrir Greyback. Tracking him from there on would be relatively easy.

So here I stood, hours later in front of the Daily Prophet. I could see a light on in one of the offices; Skeeter must've still been digging through what I had given her. At least she was a hard worker. It was practically morning now as it was, and any changes to the Prophet would have to be tremendously hard to make. Not that they wouldn't wish they could when what had happened at the Ministry came to light. As I was looking up, I felt a pair of claws sink into my shoulder, and a weight settle there.

"Hey girl. Ready to go?"

"Hoot."

"Thought so. Hold on tight; we're gonna be going pretty fast."

"Hoot-HOOOOOOOO!"

We spun away.

* * *

"You look like crap."

"Thank you for your kind words, oh angel mine. Please tell me you didn't blow anything up while I was gone."

"Not beyond some slight mishaps in the kitchen. Breakfast is in the kitchen, that is what's left of it."

"Thanks."

"…I don't remember seeing you with an…owl…before."

"Well, that's because she wasn't with me before. Hedwig, say hello to Castiel."

"Hoot-hoot."

"…It can understand you?"

"Of course. She's my familiar slash friend."

Hedwig nestled into my neck at that.

"…Just so long as she behaves herself around Harry's familiar, we should be fine then."

"Ooooo, you did get him one! Was it a snake?"

"See for yourself."

Harry sat at the table, a rather…large…python wrapped around his neck.

_"We dontsss like bacon. Itsss too crunchy."_

Hold on…was that the snake?"

Oh bollocks.

_"No one sssaid you had to eat it."_

"…Harry…please tell me you haven't given your friend all the bacon?"

"No, just some of it. Why?"

_"Whosss the new onesss?"_

I replied. _"We are your sssspeakerssss friendsss. I am Hadrian; thisss isss Hedwig. She'll leave you alone if you leave her alone. And don't eat her bacon."_

_"Isss fine by me. She can have it all. If she sharesss what miccce she findsss."_

"Hoot."

_"Itsss a deal."_

Both Harry and Castiel were staring at the two of us like we'd each grown a second head; me, and the…

_"What isss your name?"_

_"My ssspeaker hasss named me…Kaa."_

"…Seriously? You named your snake…Snake?"

"Oh, is that what that means?"

"…I'm too tired for this. Hedwig, your bacon is over there…somewhere. I'm gonna go crash."

Cas took a step forward. "Wait…you can talk to snakes as well?"

"Slytherin, remember? House of Snakes? Did you think he was being metaphorical? Rule number one of wizards: they take things literally. Good night, Castiel."

"And was it? A good night?"

I thought back over what I had done in the last thirty-six hours.

"…I'd say so, yes."


	49. Chapter 49

I own nothing. Least of all this.

**WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SCENE WITH BLOOD AND GORE! DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH! YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

1:49

"Explain again exactly why you need plastic explosives."

"It's very simple, Cas. I would very much like to destroy these little affronts to the natural order of things, and I wish to do so in such a manner that they cannot be reconstructed. And the only way to do that is to blow them all to kingdom come. And because I can't say for certain what will happen when they go boom, I need a way to detonate them remotely, preferably with three feet of concrete between me and them. Savvy?"

"…I savvy. I'll…see if I can find something. And the werewolf cure is ready to go whenever you have need of it."

"Excellent. I've already started looking for our friend with a furry little problem, and I think its safe to say he's not in England, which is good news for us."

"Yes, I can see why. If you need me, I'll be in the garage. One more thing: are you sure this room will work?"

"Sure? Of course not. Rule something or other: never be sure of anything. But will it contain the blast with minor damage to anything else? Probably. Now shoo!"

He nodded slowly, and walked away. I set to work, wrapping as many cords as I could find or conjure around the pile of Time Turners. Best not to take any chances, after all.

"Why d'you look like that?"

"…Heya Little Boss. How do you mean?"

Dudley crossed his arms. "Why d'you look like Uncle Dean?"

"…Because, Little Boss, I'm from another world. And in my world, they'd say that your Uncle Dean looked like me."

"…Oh. Watcha doin?"

I grunted. "I…am rigging…up these things…to explode."

"Cool! Why?"

"Because…there are…some bad people…who would like…to have them."

"Awesome. Can I blow 'em up?"

"…Don't see why not. So long as Cas says its okay. Why don't you go ask him?"

"Okay!"

He, well, I won't say sprinted, but moved with more than usual speed down the hall.

"You're good with kids."

"So I've been told. How long you sticking around for, Jody?"

"Why, you trying to get rid of me?"

"On the contrary. Just wondering if you'd like to tag along with Cas and I on a non-lethal hunt."

"Non-lethal? What, you're not killing the monster?"

"Not this time. Think of him as a Garth that can't control the change that also deliberately hides to avoid any trouble."

"Don't you know a cornered animal always fights its hardest?"

"Duh. We need to do our best to present ourselves as non-threatening, but we also cannot under any circumstances allow him to escape, and potentially go running to Dumbledore."

"Gotcha. So, we're gonna be keeping him here then?'

"At least until we can either cure him or get Garth up here to bite him and give him control."

"Is one werewolf really worth all that trouble?"

"He was friends with Harry's parents. And then abandoned Harry on Dumbledore's say-so. Yes, it's worth it."

"…Ah. Kay then. I'll help."

"Fantastic. Oh, and if you see Rowena, ask her if she knows or can find out anything about a group called the Silver Spears."

"Will do, boss."

I slapped myself in the face. "Boss! I knew I was forgetting something!"

"What's that?"

"Something I should have taken care of when I was last in America with Jayne. Would you mind terribly seeing if you can find Cas, and ask him if he knows how to get in contact with his Assassin friends?"

"Sure, but why?"

"Cause there's a town up in Maine I want to make double sure certain people can't find."

* * *

"Are you sure this will work?"

"Nope. Ready when you are, Little Boss."

Dudley grinned and slammed the button. "Fire!"

The walls did a little hand-jive.

"…Was that all?"

I rapped on the door. "Solid as a rock. The Letter-men certainly knew how to build 'em. Now, I have absolutely no idea what the other side looks like, so I'd recommend you all back up a bit, and then I'll go in alone."

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"If you were to inhale any of that sand, you could theoretically age five centuries in an instant. A problem for you, slightly less of one for me."

Cas and Dudley took a step back.

"Good. Right then: way down we go!"

I opened the door, and stepped through.

I was afraid of that; the dust had been atomized and ingrained into the cinder blocks themselves. They had probably been regressed in their own time streams by at least fifty years. This room would probably stand for much longer than the actual bunker would. That could be good, or bad. The ropes I had used were also completely gone; either disintegrated by the explosives, or blown so far backwards in time they didn't exist yet. I suspected the latter. I took one final look around the room, then opened the door and stepped out.

I was met with the puzzled gazes of both Cas and Dudley. "…Why did you just walk in and then directly back out again?"

"I…didn't? I was in there for half-a-minute."

"Witcher, you were in there for half-a-second."

"…Oh bollocks. Cas, can I borrow your watch?"

"It runs fast."

"Don't matter. Hand it over. I'll be right back. Hopefully."

Well, Shmebulok. The watch had completely stopped. I stepped back out, and it started up again.

"It seems…that we have created…a room where Time either doesn't pass, or passes really, really, _really, _slowly."

"And…that's bad?"

"Sort of. On one hand, as far as I know, you now have the most secure meeting room in the world. After all, its impossible to spy on something that simultaneously hasn't happened yet, and also happened ages ago. On the other hand, if the time dilation on the room ever catches back up with its original age, then anything and everything inside the room will either disappear into the Void, or rip a hole in Time and Space the size of Belgium."

"And if that were to happen, how long would that take?"

"No less than fifty years, I would guess. Plenty of time to fix it. If that's what we end up wanting to do. After all, it can also double as the perfect magic training room. Impossible to destroy walls, and enough time to master practically any spell you want. Rubbish for making Potions, though. And I wouldn't ever dare to try Apparition or Portkeys, or any magical transport for that matter."

"…Noted. Well, now that that's taken care of, Jody said you wished to talk to the Assassins? Something about a town that needs protecting?"

"Not so much protecting as hiding. But yes."

"…I have a Skype address I can try."

"Fantastic. Shall we?"

* * *

"…Well, I can certainly say I wasn't expecting to talk to Callum Lynch today."

"So. You know me. And I know both you and Castiel there. Now, you've managed to avoid us for quite some time, Witcher. But its finally time to get some answers from you."

"Fair's fair, Cal. I'll answer what questions I can, on the condition you do two things for me."

"And what might those be?"

"One, if you here anything about Templar activity in Maine, you crack down hard on it. There's things up there no one unprepared should be poking around in. Secondly, you find us a werewolf. Name of Remus Lupin. Probably in America, but could theoretically be in any English-speaking country."

"…It's a deal. Now, first of all, how?"

"How what?"

"How did you do it? How did you manage to not only destroy over ninety percent of the Templars' resources, but draw Rikkin out of hiding to kill him?"

"Easy. I lied and told him I was the Devil."

"…And he believed you?"

"I make a very convincing Lucifer. That, and he believed I was there to try and 'acquire the next level of vessel.'"

"And what were you really doing?"

"Rescuing a friend."

"…I don't believe that, but fine. The Apple of Eden; we know you took it. Where did you hide it?"

"Somewhere no one in this world can ever reach it. And that's all I'm saying over this connection."

"…Fair. Lastly, the Colt. We know Rikkin had it when he went to confront you, yet it wasn't recovered from his body. Do you have it?"

"I did. I left it in the same place as the Apple."

"…We could have used that."

"Yeah, and so could any number of less than savory characters. I'd really rather not have to deal with that, thank you very much. It stays where it is."

"…I don't like it, but I'll accept it. The Assassins will do as you have requested. We will do what we can in Maine, and we will find this Remus Lupin. We work in the Dark…"

"…To serve the Light. Witcher, out."

The call faded to black.

"…When he said the Apple of Eden, did he mean…"

"The one that Eve ate? Yes, yes he did. And I sort of lied about that."

I pulled it out of my pocket. "The Colt I may have left in with a friend, but its always good to have a backup plan to get home. I figured the fact that it's the original would make up for the fact we're a bit short on archangel grace. And I've already got the blood."

"How do you know all of this?"

"I thought I already told you?"

"No, no you did not!"

"Alternate world. Where I'm from. Most of this stuff has happened already. Bit differently, for instance the fact Chuck made you into a TV show instead of a book series, but close enough."

"…And did Harry and Dudley exist in your universe as stories as well?"

"Sort of; in my world Vernon Dursley was never dealt with. I couldn't let that stand, so I got rid of him and sent everyone else to what I knew was one of the safest places in the world."

"And what, you thought you could just play God?"

"There's nothing playful about this, Castiel. Some stories should be left standing, and others deserve to be changed. That's what I do; it's my job, in this world or any other. If I had a soul, I'd still do the same. And I would be more than prepared to pay the cost of my soul to do it."

"…Maybe that's exactly what happened."

"Honesty? It wouldn't surprise me. Now, its probably a good time to go see how far Rowena and Harry have gotten with their brewing studies."

"Why aren't you studying with them?"

"Not my original world, remember? Most of those Potions would be absolutely useless to someone with slightly different biology, or in some cases downright lethal. Best if I keep far away from that."

"If you're from a different world, how are you supposed to teach History of Magic?"

"That I can learn. Potions is something I would never be able to test my knowledge on myself with. Savvy?"

"…I see. So, will you be learning this world's version of spells with Harry and I as well?"

"That's the plan."

"Very well. But I would advise against testing new spells on yourself as well; I'm not confident enough in my abilities to heal you in the correct way."

"Noted. So, where has Rowena set up shop?"

"This way."

* * *

"…It looks good to me. Then again, I wouldn't know a good Forgetfulness Potion if it bit me on the rear end."

"Now dear, don't be crude in front of Harry. It sets a bad example."

"But Aunt Rowena, you were the one that…"

"No buts, Harry. Back to your stirring."

I held up my fingers and started counting off. "Forgetfulness Potion, Herbicide Potion, and cure for Boils. Not bad."

"We're gonna do the Wideye Potion next!"

"Really. You're planning to let an eleven-year-old drink the wizarding equivalent of a Monster energy drink?"

"He never said it was for him, dear."

"…Ah."

"Now shoo! We've got quite a bit more to do before we're done, and we don't need you causing any more distractions than necessary!"

"Right then. I'm off for London; should be back by dinnertime. Make sure Hedwig and…Kaa…don't cause any trouble while I'm gone."

Harry grinned. "Didn't Cas tell you? Those two figured out how to raid the refrigerator by themselves. Not much reason to be back for dinner when there's not much to have for it."

I sighed. "Good point. I'll grab something on the way back. Don't wait for me."

Rowena smiled. "Don't worry, dear. We won't."

"…Harsh. Catch you."

* * *

Things were exactly as I suspected.

I watched invisibly as lots of official looking people swarmed around in the tunnel opposite the Records room. Looks like all of the blood I left splattered around had been found, as I had meant it to. One secret entrance of Dumbledore's into the Ministry was gone. Time to see if I could arrange for some more to be discovered. Now that they knew what to look for, hopefully I wouldn't have to do the finding for them.

But first, to see what exactly Skeeter had written in her article.

It wasn't that hard to find a discarded Daily Prophet; the Leaky Cauldron wasn't exactly the cleanest of places. I had to say, Skeeter had really outdone herself with this one.

_"SENIOR UNDERSECRETARY CONFESSES! UMBRIDGE RISKS ALL!" _Well, that was dramatic. Oh dear. Skeeter had focused on the people Umbridge had been dealing with on her new anti-werewolf legislation. That would make things deucedly awkward when the message I had left was revealed. At least Malfoy's name wasn't on the list; Skeeter wasn't stupid enough to tick off anyone that powerful. Yet. Still, Malfoy would probably be biting all of his nails off right about now. Hopefully Dobby would end up pulling through for me; and with the good points I gained with old Lucius for helping to make him look like a saint for saving the Longbottoms, he would be more than happy to sell me the poor fellow. For a very good price, of course.

And wouldn't the Aurors be confused when Fenrir Greyback showed up dead in what should have been a revenge killing for Umbridge, but in the exact same place and manner as Umbridge herself.

Time to put that second copy of Umbridge's records to good use.

I pulled out the note I had written for one Amelia Bones, Director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, as well as a package containing the afore-mentioned documents. I had already gone through them and copied them to my visor's hard drive, as well as Vanishing with a capital V any concerning either Greengrass or Malfoy. I needed both of them respected, for now, and throwing mud at either of them would only get it on myself as well.

I quickly double-checked over what I had written for the iron-hearted Director:

_"Director Bones: This cost me a pretty penny to acquire from the infamous Miss Skeeter, but it was worth it. I sincerely apologize for not being able to get it to you sooner. Please take it in good faith, as a sign I wish both you and your department well. Perhaps in the future, more arrangements of this sort may be conducted on more equal footing. Your fellow servant of Justice, Lord Howlfang-Ravenclaw-Slytherin."_

I attached it to the package, and walked into the Post-Owl Office. Three minutes later, a nondescript brown barn owl was winging its way towards the Ministry. Hopefully that would keep me in Bones' good graces long enough to avoid any trouble with the Longbottoms, as well as keep Dumbledore from sticking his nose into the affair.

I made my way back down the Alley, out the Cauldron, and into London proper. It was time to put to good use the information I had gotten from Umbridge and hit the first two targets on my list: Madame Edgecombe, responsible for shutting off Floo access during Death Eater raids in the last war, and Corban Yaxley, the Death Eater master of the Imperio, hidden within the Ministry itself during Voldemort's rise. Both had gotten away scot-free, and I intended to fix that. And now was the perfect time to begin. The Ministry would in all likelihood be completely closed today, considering what was in the front lobby. Edgecombe and Yaxley would both probably be home, horrified and terrified respectively. They would probably be even more so once they realized their bodies would be joining that of Umbridge very, very soon.

But not until the Prophet story on Umbridge's death came out. I needed Wizarding to draw the correlation between an information leak, the murder of the leaker, and then a string of murders of Death Eaters and their sympathizers.

I was just finishing up at Yaxley's house (you'd think a man who managed to Imperius the Director of Magical Law Enforcement would be a bit more paranoid about being caught), when I spied a copy of the Prophet lying on his desk. One clearly labeled _"SPECIAL EDITION!"_

There was really only one thing it could be.

I unfolded it, and a picture of the corpse of Dolores Umbridge greeted my eyes. How on Gallifrey Skeeter could get away with such a grotesque image, I don't know.

She had been strung up on the statue that stood in the Ministry's atrium, suspended by her arms and her neck on the main centerpiece. Her tongue hung completely out of her mouth and halfway down her torso. In front on the ground lay a small pile of ash, what had once been her heart. A sign hung from her neck as well, painted in her own blood:

_HUMAN RACE._

_GREATEST MONSTERS OF THEM ALL._

I briefly wondered if the Master would appreciate the irony of using his statement, considering exactly what I had used to string up the toad:

Her own intestines, magically reinforced and twisted around her entire body.

All in all, a spectacular display, if I do say so myself.

I stuffed the paper into my coat (perhaps I would frame and hang it later), and went back to work. After all, Yaxley wasn't gonna gut himself. Well, at least with any degree of competence. His heart just wouldn't be in it.


	50. Chapter 50

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:50

Things had been relatively simple to clean up. That spell Regina had used once on a mermaid to turn it to wood was a great body-preserver. It also made it infinitely easier to maneuver said bodies without getting even more blood everywhere.

I really hated to leave the bodies there, but after all wizards were an unimaginative lot. I merely switched which body went to which house, and leaned them up in the corner. The odds of anyone coming by to visit either one and recognizing the other on sight were slim, especially considering the expressions their faces were now twisted in. With any luck, if they were discovered at all, they would merely be mistaken for a wooden sculpture in very poor taste.

Time to head back to the bunker; well, almost. First, fish and chips.

* * *

One dinner later…

"And what exactly are you expecting to happen?"

"Honestly Cas? I expect to be left waiting for at least several hours. Ten seconds for you should be dilated exponentially inside the room; I'm just the one who can best afford the time loss. All this zipping around isn't all its cracked up to be. I plan to take a nice long nap in the meanwhile."

"And if the room should, as you put it, 'Go Belgium' with you inside it…"

"Well then that'll be for me to worry about. But it won't happen. Go on, get out of here. I've got a bed (thanks for that, by the way), I've got a pillow, I've even got a stuffed…whatever, courtesy of Dudley."

"Hoot."

"Right, and Hedwig. Can't forget you, can we girl?"

"Hoot-hoot."

"True, we can't exactly turn off the light, but we'll make it work."

Cas took one last look from the doorway. "If you're sure…see you in a while, I guess."

"Catch you."

He closed the door. I sat down on the bed, threw my feet up, and had just put my hands up behind my head when…

The door creaked open.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

"Witcher? Its' been ten seconds…are you awake?"

"Fraid so, Cas. Its been ten seconds for me too."

"…What."

"Search me. Actually, don't. You won't find the answer there either, 'cause I don't have one."

"…How?"

"…I don't know, but I intend to find out."

A leap off of the bed, a stride to the door, and a finger up behind my ear to activate my visor.

"Welp…looks like we're not gonna have to worry about Belgium."

"And why is that?"

"There's a field of quantum uncertainty around the room. I forgot to take into account the sand in those Time Turners was different than my usual method of time travel, in that it tends to try and create paradoxes, rather than avoid them."

"I suppose that means something important."

"It means the passage of time in this room is linked to observation by someone on the outside. I walk in, shut the door, wait a certain amount of time, walk back out, no time will have passed for those on the outside. But, if I walk in, someone else shuts the door, then reopens it to let me out, the exact same amount of time will have passed for us both. Useful, but now its even worse of an idea to brew potions in here. On the upside, if we use it for magical training, it won't throw off either your or Harry's sense of time if someone comes to get us for lunch."

"Will it work as a long-term storage room?"

"…It should. Time still seems to halt for inanimate objects no matter where the observer is. I'll let you know…right after I finish my nap."

"You're still going to try to sleep?"

"Cas, you would not believe the amount of work I have planned for tonight. I'll take whatever sleep I can get. Don't wake me up; I'll be out in a jiffy."

"…Very well."

I called backwards as he left. "And don't forget to shut the door!"

* * *

Blimey, this whole "floof all the way to London and then back again every night" schtick was getting old. Good thing I only had to do it until the end of the week. Then it would be nothing but train and review, train and review, train and review with Harry and Cas. If I was going to be teaching an important subject such as the History of Magic, I needed to practically sound like I had been there. Because I knew for a fact future me had; and knowing my luck, I was probably going to need all the foreknowledge I could get.

Time to test a theory: I smoked to the nice, dark corner behind the Cauldron, and crouched. Within a few seconds, I shifted sideways in reality and disappeared from sight. I took a deep breath, and smoked again.

Yes! Smoking in the Ministry while invisible rendered the smoke itself invisible as well! That was a relief; I really hadn't wanted to put plan B into effect. I stood and let my invisibility drop, then moved upstairs, heading for the Atrium. Surprisingly, there was relatively light security. I suppose they figured everything was over now, what with only the one target strung up, as well as the murderer's supposed entrance found.

Amateurs.

The illusion of Auror robes was easy enough to conjure; it wouldn't fool Mad-Eye, but it would do for what I had in mind. Hoods were so dreadfully useful for hiding one's face. The ability to smoke into the Ministry unnoticed truly was a blessing. The first layer of guards, the ones just past the entrance, were the only ones checking for identification. And even then, only for those coming in. Not a single one looked as if they would ever suspect a fellow officer coming from presumably lower in the Ministry. Moody would have been pissed at the lot of them.

I glanced around the Atrium, looking for the most bored looking, and most unnoticed Auror I could see. There, just peeking around a corner. Dawlish, reading the special edition of the Daily Prophet. He was probably mad about the aspersions Skeeter had cast towards the ability of his whole department, to say nothing of how his was one of the few names listed. Tough. He was about to be in it up to his neck.

I invisibly crept up to where he sat, positioning him between me and any witnesses, and grabbed. I really regretted this; I truly did. But having the heart of a Senior Auror in my literal back pocket was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Particularly if things were to go sour at any point in my dealings with the Ministry.

I whispered as quietly as I could. "You will not cry out for help. You will not move from where you are. In thirty seconds, you will stand, and leave. You are to act in the most natural way possible. If anyone asks why you are leaving early, you are to tell them that Scrimgeour has sent someone to replace you. Nod if you understand."

He did so.

"Good. Once you have left the Atrium, you will forget any of this ever happened. Oh, and leave your paper behind. I wish to read it."

Half-a-moment later, he rose, and walked away, heading straight for the exit. A Junior Auror called out as he passed.

"Oi! Dawlish! Tired of our company already?"

"Scrimgeour sent a grunt to take the rest of my shift."

"He clear it with Bones?"

An order to the heart. "Smile, and make a witty reply."

Dawlish forced a grin. "You know Scrim, he'd read the vows from the official manual aloud at his own wedding for fear of slighting procedure."

"Ha! True enough! Take care of yourself, John!

I made a slight sigh of relief, and put the heart in my coat pocket.

Dawlish's chair was in a relatively good corner; unnoticeable to practically any but the most observant of passers-by. Hopefully, that would hold true to any observation spells that had been placed since I was last here. Just as a precaution, I scooted the seat as far back into the darkness as I could.

Then I settled down in to wait. Oooo, they included a crossword in the paper! Even better, it was one of all the information from the previous edition! Fun, fun, fun.

* * *

That crossword took far too long to complete…of course, that was with a whole lot of exaggerated movement to keep my invisibility from accidentally activating. After all, it wouldn't do to have a figure fading in and out of reality while writing the word "Informant'", now would it?

Still, the waiting had paid off. Every other single person even remotely official looking was long gone. The Atrium, even the Ministry itself, stood silent. I finally allowed the shift to occur, and once more faded away. I briefly wondered if the effect looked anything like the Cheshire Cat to an observer. Ah, well. I'd have to check later. No rest for the wicked, after all. I stood, and smoked to Yaxley's house.

I grabbed Edgecombe's body, un-wood-ified it, crouched down, and smoked back to the Atrium. String her up, back to the corner, repeat the process for Yaxley. Simple, right? Not.

It was a bit more troublesome to hang Edgecombe and Yaxley than I had thought it would be. I couldn't use the center of the display, for obvious reasons. Two corpses hanging on the same spire was just tacky. On top of that, I had to arrange the signs around their necks so as not to cover or shadow the Dark Marks that I had taken special care to call attention to.

All in all, it took me an hour over double the amount of time it had with Umbridge. At least the end effect was nice. I had ended up twisting their heads completely around to face backwards, and then shaved them. I had previously taken pictures of the victims' faces, and printed them out back at the bunker. They had been cut out, and taped to the back of the now-hairless heads. I had been tempted to shrink them, but had simply run out of time. And I wasn't exactly sure how I would have fixed them if they hadn't turned out well.

Enough was enough. There were probably at least some new surveillance spells in place; hence why I had refrained from using anything but wandless magic while invisible. I still didn't trust myself with a wand, and the chances of tracing a spell to my wand were still too high for my tastes. It would have taken me considerably less time if I had done most of the work manually, but then my invisibility would have been compromised. Magic and small movements, fine. Anything big like moving a body, very not good.

I took one last look at my work, and then smoked away for the last time.

* * *

Cas looked as if he was about to keel over of sleep deprivation. "…Witcher…why are you cooking…at 4 am?"

"Hedwig wanted dinner, Kaa wanted a snack, and I wanted coffee. So, bacon, sausage links, and eggs, voila. Why do you look like you went three rounds with a hellhound?"

"Lynch. Called in the middle of the night, looking for you. Said he had a lead."

"And?"

"And I wrote it down on this piece of paper, went back to bed, and tried to get some more sleep. Obviously, that didn't work."

"Sorry about that. Here, trade you."

I swapped the pot of coffee in my hand for the note, and began to read.

"…Seriously? Roman Lucas? That's the name he's living under? Are wizards really this unimaginative of a lot when it comes to naming things?"

"It gets worse. Look where he's living now."

"…Stillwater, Minnesota. Why does that sound familiar?"

* * *

"Nope. Nuh uh. Not going in."

Jody crossed her arms. "Witcher, it's her town. She deserves to know what's been living under her nose."

"Maybe, but she for sure doesn't need to hear it from me. I've had enough holy water thrown in my face and silver stabbed in my arm, thank you very much."

Cas growled. "Witcher…"

"Alright, alright! Fine! But for the record, this is still a bad idea."

I raised my hand, and knocked on the door in front of me. Directly under the label that clearly read:

Donna Hanscum, Sheriff.

* * *

"OWWWWW! Ma nose!"

Jody and Cas each were wrapped around one of Donna's arms. "Donna, it's fine! He's fine!"

"You let me get to my stuff right now feathers, and we'll see how fine he is!"

Jody had one arm around Donna's neck by now. "Donna it's not Dean!"

"Yeah, no kidding!"

"He's not a ghoul, not a revenant, not a shifter…"

I held my poor nose. "Ad obvosly dot a ghost…"

"Donna, he's from another world!"

That seemed to get through. Donna stopped struggling. "Seriously?"

Exasperation crept into Cas' voice. "Yes, Donna. He's a traveler between worlds. The multi-dimensional version of a hunter."

"Dank you for da high praise, Cas."

"Don't mention it."

"…You're that guy, aren't you? The one that kicked that humongous hornet's nest over in the old country?"

"Dou could say dat."

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Let me getcha some ice for that!"

I waved her off. "It's fine. There…already better."

"If you're sure…Well! Jody told me she'd be coming back soon; she just didn't mention she'd be bringing either of you along! C'mere, Cas you son of a gun!"

Cas awkwardly accepted the hug. "Thank you, Donna."

"Aaaand one for you for the sock in the schnozzle."

"…Thank you, Donna."

"So! What brings you two up to my neck of the woods?"

Cas looked my way. "Witcher…it's your hunt…"

"Oooo! A hunt! What kind of monster we looking for?"

I held up a finger. "Not looking. Found. Ish. We know he's in town; just not exactly where in town he is. And we need him alive."

"And why's that then?"

Cas interrupted. "He has information. Contacts. And we need someone with his…talents for some frankly unpleasant business."

"How unpleasant we talking?"

I crossed my arms. "Murders. Coups. Tests for cures for magical werewolves."

"A were? Here? And I didn't notice?"

A shrug from me. "He does what he can to avoid people wherever possible. And he possesses enough skill with magic to make it happen."

"Soooo…. What's the name of this here werewolf?"

"His real name is Remus Lupin, but the one he's been hiding under is…Roman Lucas."

"…You mean old Luke that works down at the garage?"

My eyes met Cas'. "Well…that was easier than I expected."

* * *

Donna had volunteered to be the first in, seeing as how Lupin would probably react the best to a familiar face. Jody had accompanied her.

"Hiya Luke! How's things!"

Through the crack in the back entrance, I could just see Lupin freeze as Donna addressed him. He quickly unfroze, and went back to washing his hands. "…Hello, Sheriff. What brings you here today? Truck radiator leaking again?"

"Nah, you fixed that up right the last time! Holding together like a champ! Just came down here cause my friend Jody was looking for you, actually. To offer you a job, in fact."

Lupin slowly dried his hands. "Really? And does this…job offer…explain why there are two well-armed individuals hiding and prepared to act as your backup?"

Bollocks. Werewolf sense of smell. I'd forgotten about that.

"What? Pfffff…there's no…"

Jody put her hand on Donna's shoulder. "It's okay, Donna. Cas, Witcher you can come on out."

Cas rose slowly from behind the stripped-down car. "We apologize for the subterfuge, Mr. Lupin."

I ducked under the door and came up on the other side. "But we weren't quite sure how you'd react."

Jody held up her other hand in a placating gesture. "That being said, we really do have a job offer for you."

"What? Like passing on any information on werewolves that move in around here? I already do that; in case you hadn't noticed."

Donna crossed her arms. "Yeah, pretty easy to put together once these fellas told me why you were laying low here. You just want to be left alone, don't you?"

"…Yes."

Time to bring down the hammer. "Shame. Harry was so looking forward to seeing his Uncle Moony. Guess we'll have to tell him you weren't interested."

Lupin had straightened at the name-drop. "What have you done to Harry?" he practically hissed.

I crossed my arms as well. "A sight more than you ever did, that's for sure. Really, leaving him all alone in the world, betraying the trust James Potter placed in you, it's a wonder Harry ever wanted to see you again."

"I was…"

"A self-pitying, self-righteous, self-absorbed coward of a werewolf. Don't worry; you still are."

"…Dumbledore said…"

"No one here gives a crap what Dumbledore said. All Dumbledore has ever done for Harry has been horrible. Keeping him from going to the people James and Lily willed to look after him, dumping him with his abusive whale of a Muggle uncle that did the best to beat the magic out of him, hiding from him every single bit of his heritage, including his dad's cloak, stealing from his family vaults, the list goes on and on. No one here holds any respect or love for the great _Albus Bloody Dumbledore._"

"Dumbledore would never…"

"Dumbledore would always. After all, he deliberately let a known werewolf attend all the way through Hogwarts just to get him in his debt and act as his personal representative to the magical monsters of England. Or can you name a single other 'creature' that's attended Hogwarts since then?"

Lupin had his mouth half-way open when that last remark registered. I've never seen a look of horror cross someone's face that fast, only to be replaced with a look of resignation.

"The way I see it, you have two options. We won't kill you in either one, well, at least on purpose. The first is, we take you somewhere of your own free will that you will never learn how to find again, where you will be able to meet Harry. We'll do this, in return for two favors, the first of which of which will be testing a cure for lycanthropy."

"…And the second?"

"Depends on the success of the first. Option two; you resist, and try running to Dumbledore to tell him where his precious savior has ended up. This version ends with you incapacitated, and forcefully tested for the afore mentioned cure. And I can assure you, that you will never see Harry again if you take that option."

"You really think you can take a werewolf who's a wizard?"

"You have a nose. Use it. It'll tell you just how out of your league you are."

Slowly, Lupin lifted his nose in the air, and began to sniff. Pure, unadulterated terror began to grow on his face as he looked back and forth from me to Castiel. "Lightning…fire…ice…rage…**death**…what _are _you?"

I pointed to Cas. "_He _is an angel. The real deal. And _I_…_I _am…the Witcher. Now, will it be option one, or option two?"

Lupin had slumped down on the floor, still looking fearfully back and forth. "…Option one…" he whispered.

"Good choice. Now, where do you keep your wand?"

"…Toolbox…"

Cas relaxed. "I'll get it."

I turned towards the ladies. "Thank you for your assistance, Sheriff Hanscum."

"Oh, you betcha! Always happy to help!"

"Jody, you coming or staying?"

"Well, seeing as how my car's still back at the bunker, I think it's be best if I came along."

I nodded. "Gotcha."

Cas reemerged, holding a thin stick of wood. "Got it."

"Fantastic. Catch you on the Flip Side, Sheriff."

I was wrapped in a warm hug. "None of that, now. It's Donna."

"…Donna then."

She stepped back. "Ya'll take care now, you hear?"

"Of course. Oh, and you might want to pay close attention to this next bit."

I grinned, and waved my hands.

The look on Donna's face as everyone but me disappeared in smoke was priceless. I laughed, and whirled away myself.


	51. Chapter 51

_Never thought I would write fifty chapters on this thing. Much less over one hundred and twenty thousand words. At first it was just a connecting of random ideas I had floating around, but now I think I have a full plotline set up, both for this, and possibly sequels in the future. I just wanted to thank everyone who read this and either commented, reviewed, followed, favorited, etc. It means the world to me. Catch you._

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:51

Cas twirled on the spot. "Witcher…why have you brought us to the dungeons?"

"Quite simple, Cas. As of right now, I don't trust Mr. Lupin here anywhere near Harry, or anyone else come to think of it. I'm getting a rather bad feeling as to why Werewolf McWerewolf would ever jump through the ridiculous hoops for creatures to get to America, when he would have a hard-enough time fitting in in England."

Lupin looked up from where he'd landed on the floor. Still frozen in fear.

"Cas, Jody, keep him covered. I'm going to check his mind."

Lupin whimpered at that and seemed to crouch even further into himself. Tough, buddy. I didn't give him time to react beyond shutting his eyes and covering them with his hands. As if I needed eye-contact!

I grabbed him by the head, placed my thumbs to his temples, and pushed.

WHOAH! Okay, not a human mind. Definitely not even a Time-Lord one. Must be the wolf part of him. Interesting. Since he was unable to learn occlumency, the wolf protected his mind by legilimizing back anyone that did it too him first. Nasty. But I was better. I slipped by the wolf, and went deeper.

Images…

Voices…

Objects…

Places…

Ah. Gotcha.

Just a few scenes placed in Lupin's mind to show what Dumbledore's true plan was and…

I yanked myself back to reality, and immediately ripped the watch from Lupin's wrist.

Jody reacted first. "Whoah! What was that for?"

"Portkey." I replied. "Another form of magical transport. Would've taken Lupin and anyone he was touching directly to the whiskered wanker upon whispering the activation phrase. Not that it would have worked here: too much warding."

Lupin had started whimpering again. "No, no, no, no…"

Cas took a step forward. "What did you do to him, Witcher."

"Showed him the truth. Well, part of it anyway."

"What did you find?"

"Huh? Oh; Dumbledore knows Harry and Dudley are in America. He's convinced himself that Vernon was murdered by Petunia, who then took the boys and ran. He sent Lupin here to see if he could find them, and make an offer of full amnesty if they would return to England. If they refused, Lupin was to grab Harry, and three seconds later, be handing him back over to ye old goat."

Jody paled at that. "He wouldn't…"

A cough from behind us. "He…would…Dumbledore…knows…best…"

"Dumbledore don't know crap. Shut up, Lupin."

Another cough. "Yes…Alpha…"

What the…

"Alpha? What do you mean, Alpha?"

"The wolf…big, Bad…She's Alpha of all…I can tell…And you are Hers…while She is gone…you are Alpha…White Wolf…"

Bollocks. This could either make things a whole lot easier, or a whole lot harder.

Guess which one I was betting on?

"If I'm your Alpha, can you still be the Alpha of your own pack?"

"Yes, Alpha."

"Okay, enough of the 'Alpha', I get enough of that from bad fanfiction. OW!"

Dang bricks.

I rubbed my head. "Until I say otherwise, _please _call me 'Boss'. After all, I am going to be paying you, in a manner of speaking."

Cas tilted his head. "One minute ago, you were prepared to shoot this man for being untrustworthy. And now you're offering to pay him?"

"Not monetarily. In a currency far more valuable."

"And what might that be?"

A noise came from behind as Lupin pushed himself to his feet. "Revenge...of course."

I nodded. "Beginning right now. Cas, you got any of those explosives left over from earlier?"

"Why?"

"Well, seeing as how it _is _Dumbledore's Portkey, I thought it might be the polite thing to do to return it. With compensation, of course."

Jody's face lit up with a nasty smile. "I think that would be the polite thing to do, yeah."

* * *

An extremely plain envelope appeared on the desk of one Albus Brian Dumbledore.

On the front was no inscription, but the back was sealed with something I thought ought to worry the old bugger even more than he currently was: the symbol of the Men of Letters.

Upon seeing that, I had no doubt that Dumbledore would begin testing the envelope in every conceivable manner, especially upon the realization that it had been accompanied by a certain watch. Joke was on him; there was absolutely nothing magical about the paper.

After making extremely sure there was no ill intent to the message, Fumble-Bore would eventually, and very carefully, open the envelope. Upon doing so, he would reveal a very simple, and quite alarming, note:

**DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES**

Thirty seconds after the envelope materialized, the office of one Albus Brian Dumbledore had all of its windows blown out by a rather large, fiery explosion. One could only hope it had managed to catch his beard as well.

* * *

"Well," I said as I rubbed my hands together, "Let's hope that was sufficiently dramatic."

Lupin looked at me with only resignation in his eyes. "Was that necessary?"

"Getting Dumbledore to believe you're dead? Yes. Doing it in such a way he'll have a hard time proving it? Also, yes. Adding on a little extra flair? No. That I did purely out of spite."

He slowly nodded. "…When can I see Harry?"

"Tomorrow. If Cas agrees to it. Right now, and for the rest of the day, what you are going to do is make a list of every inconsistency and questionable decision that Albus Brain Dumbledore has made for 'the greater good.' Hopefully, that should trash any shreds of respect you may still harbor for him after what I showed you."

He nodded again, and was about to walk away when a thought seemed to strike him. "…You left them out. His middle names. Why?"

"He has no other middle names, beyond Brian. Got to wondering why a set of parents would do that to a kid without doing it to his brother, so I looked into it. He made up each and every single one of those names just to make himself sound more impressive."

"…I believe you. I'll just…make the list, then. Might I trouble you for a pen and paper?"

"There on the shelf. Might have to go through a few to find ink; they've probably been sitting there for a while."

He grabbed a ream of paper, and a cup full of assorted pens, then sat down at a desk and began to write.

Cas cleared his throat from where he'd been watching. "This list…will we be able to trust it? To trust him?"

"Will everything on that list be correct as far as he knows it? Probably. Will some of it be suspect because its original source is Dumbledore? Absolutely. This isn't for our benefit; it's for his. If he's forced to lay out in an orderly manner exactly what has happened in his admittedly sad life, he may finally be able to see at least some of the truth of it."

"You mentioned truth earlier. You said you'd shown him some of it. What, exactly, was that?"

"What really happened to the rest of the Marauders. James Potter's closest friends. And, all of them in their own way, his greatest betrayers. Lupin here included."

"…That can't have been pleasant for him."

"The truth is never pure, and rarely simple. Oscar Wilde. Watch Lupin; bring him some food if he asks. I think it's safe to say he won't be running."

Cas nodded, and took his own seat in a chair with a view of both the exit and Lupin's desk. Good on him.

Now, if I hurried, I could just catch Ted Tonks before he left his office. One advantage of being a Time Lord; you're never thrown off by changing time zones. I smoked away.

* * *

"So…you're telling me…all of this means nothing if a member of the Wizengamot doesn't bring it to the attention of a session?"

Ted nodded. "And I very much doubt any of the sitting members would be willing to cross Dumbledore on this, considering how important it seems to be to him."

"…Bollocks. Looks like we're going with plan B."

"And what's that?"

"I'm going to be using Malfoy much sooner than I had anticipated."

"Malfoy? As in, Lucius Malfoy?"

"That's the wanker."

"…One does not simply use a man like Lucius Malfoy."

"And men like Major Smith don't just simply drive off of cliffs."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Muggle book quote. Where Eagles Dare. Which is, ironically, more or less what we're going to need to pull off. Here, read this. Should clear up any questions you might have, as well as what exactly I'm going to be paying you for in the foreseeable future."

I handed over my psychic paper, listing everything possible I could think of. Longbottoms, Bones, Malfoy, Greengrass, the Wizengamot, the Chief Warlock, the Ministry itself. While Ted was reading, I picked up the copy of the Daily Prophet he had left sitting on his desk.

_"GRUESOME KILLINGS CONTINUE!"_ Thank goodness they had seen fit to leave out the pictures this time. They had probably gotten a lot of flack over that with Umbridge. Fudge, of course, was saying quite a lot of nothing, and making promises he couldn't possibly keep. No surprise, the gist of the article seemed to suggest a killer was on the loose who held a grudge for Death Eaters who had gotten away with their crimes, as well as those who enabled them to do it. As such, the DMLE was quite clearly dragging its heels thanks to its Director. I knew Amelia Bones held no love for Death Eaters, not after her brother and sister-in-law had been slaughtered. Hopefully, she took the opportunity to investigate those "upstanding members of society," and would maybe even catch a few spies I was unaware of. Which would of course give me even more ammunition to use in my mission to destroy the current regime's reputation.

"Merlin…this…this is…"

"At least twelve percent of a plan, wouldn't you say?"

"…If you pull this off, you could very well change Magical Britain forever."

"About damned time. Can you and your family do it?"

"We'll certainly give it the old college try."

"Then that's all I can ask. Good day, Ted."

"Wait, sir. There is one more matter that needs your attention."

"And that would be?"

"Well, it seems sir, that owls have been unable to reach your current place of residence. As a result, there have been quite a few letters addressed to you in care of our firm. I have taken care of the ones that were made with questionable intent; the evidence has already been sent to the DMLE. Surprisingly enough, one of the suspect letters was from our dear friend the Bearded Bumbler. And here…" he hauled up a huge pile of papers from behind his desk, "…are the rest."

I should have seen it coming; I was a brand-new Lord, of three houses, who had appeared out of literally nowhere. The only reason it had taken this long, I suspected, was a combination of the wards I had been spending most of my time under in the bunker, as well as the writers themselves deciding exactly how best to approach me. Once Skeeter revealed I had been around since at least the 1870's (not technically a lie), things had gotten even more complicated about me. I suspected the only reason Ted had received any at all was that Malfoy had leaked to his buddies that "Doof And Schmirtz" was my law firm of choice.

That being said, there were only a few of those letters I was interested in.

"Nott, Parkinson, hmmm, Zabini…" I remembered her being referenced as a Black Widow on numerous occasions. Whether she was on her own side, or Voldemort's, would remain to be seen. I set that one aside for future perusal and continued onward.

"Various investments in the Alley and Hogsmeade, definitely keeping Zonko's and Fortescue's, Bones as House Bones, Bones as the DMLE, Ogden…"

Ted interjected. "Dumbledore's number two man in the Wizengamot."

"…Malfoy, Lovegood, and Greengrass."

Might as well start with the last one first. I slit open the letter from Greengrass, and began to read. To more I read, the more alarmed I became. I didn't remember anything like _this _in the lore. This would have to be handled. Now.

"Mr. Tonks, I hate to throw this on you last minute, but I need you to remain here until I return."

"…Is it that serious?"

"Blackly."

"…Don't you mean deadly?"

"Worse than that, I'm afraid."

"…I see. I presume I'll keep the rest of your correspondence here until then as well, yes?"

"It would be much appreciated. Oh, and one more thing. I shall need to use your Floo."

* * *

"Lord Greengrass. I came as soon as I read your letter. Anything that would convince you to offer the return of any claim on a Basilisk cannot be good. What's happened?"

Greengrass' face was deathly pale. "I am afraid, my Lord…that you happened."

I blinked. "…What?"

"You have to understand…when your story came out…everyone who was anyone began to investigate the reemergence of three Most Ancient lines…and they realized…"

"That I haven't got a lady for any of them. Yes, so?"

"So…once you became England's most eligible bachelor…all the other bachelors…those with betrothal contracts already written…began to worry if those contracts would be broken for a chance of…well, of you."

"…I don't like where this is going."

"I'm sorry, but it has to be said. We've had a contract for Daphne, our eldest, practically since she was born. With the strict understanding it wouldn't be activated until after Hogwarts, and with a man we considered trustworthy enough…but now…"

I finished the sentence. "He's called it in."

Greengrass nodded sadly.

"How long?"

"…Midnight tonight."

"…And what do you want me to do?"

"…Buy it out. For any name, I don't care which."

Bollocks. And here I was thinking it was just people like Harry Potter and the Doctor who were Fate's boytoys.

"…Who is the holder?"

"A Lord named Tiberius Ogden."

"…Dumbledore. He's calling in all his alliances to keep me from snatching any of his connections if it turns out I'm not on his side."

"That was my thought as well."

"How much?"

He named a sum.

"…You Lords certainly don't do things cheaply, do you?"

I sighed, and rubbed the back of my head. "…Before I say anything, I would like to talk to Daphne first. Alone. If that is acceptable."

Greengrass considered it, and then nodded his agreement. "I'll send her in directly…" he said as he left the study.

I poured myself a Fire-whiskey (I thought I deserved it), and stood watching the fire. If I didn't get myself into the darndest of situations…

I felt for Daphne, I really did. She had been one of my favorite characters, the kind of Slytherin people like Draco and Parkinson should have been. If I remembered correctly, she had died at the Battle of Hogwarts. Probably on purpose, considering what awaited her after Hogwarts. Her sister, Astoria, had survived and married Draco, something I was sure Lord Greengrass had not been happy about. All in all, the Greengrass family had a bad stick in the future. What was the harm in helping them hold it?

The study door opened behind me.

"You asked for me, Lord Howlfang?"

"Yes, Miss Greengrass. Come in, please."

She did so. She had obviously been learning occlumency; her emotions were practically hidden. But I could still see the anxiety, the desperation, and above all, the fear. That, more than anything, settled the matter for me.

"…You father has relayed to me the circumstances that surround you. He has also relayed his wishes and his feelings. I would ask that now, you do the same."

"…It would be a great honor to stand beside you, my Lord. To be attached to you in the public sphere would be a great boost to my family's reputation, as well as our social standing. I wish to serve as my Lord directs, in…any manner he may do so."

"All completely acceptable reasons to any other man. But I ask you, not as a Lord, not as a man, but as a friend concerned for you, Miss Greengrass, what are your wishes? And what are your feelings?"

"I…I…"

"Yes, my dear?"

Then the tears began to come. "I can't…I can't live with that…horrible man…he's old…he's cruel…he…he…please, my Lord, please, I can't…I just can't…"

I knelt down in front of her. "Hey, hey, it's okay. It'll be okay. I would like to say I'm not old like he is. I cannot. I would like to say I am not cruel, as he is. Once again, I cannot. But what I can tell you is this…I will never force you into anything, as he is trying to do. Your path in life will be your own. I shall not interfere, except to offer you assistance whenever you have need of it. If that is enough for you, then I shall do what I can to save you."

Large, teary, blue eyes stared into my own. The next thing I knew, I was being hugged tighter than I ever had in my life.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank…" she sobbed. I gingerly reached around, and began to rub her shoulders.

"As much as I would like to stay like this, Daphne, don't you think it would be a good idea to let your parents know?"

"Yes…yes, of course, my Lord…"

"None of that now, Daphne. It's Hadrian, from now until eternity."

"...Yes, Hadrian."

She made to stand, and I did so with her, letting her keep her grip on me. "Now, knowing the amount of stress you've probably been under, I believe you deserve this."

I held out my glass of Fire-whiskey. "Just don't tell your Father."

Slowly, she took a sip. Then immediately began coughing.

"Yeah, it does that the first time. You'll get used to it. Now, your parents."

* * *

A second blonde missile hit my kneecaps. "Thank you, thank you, thank you…"

I reached down and rubbed her head. "You're quite welcome, Astoria. You shan't be losing your sister, if I have anything to say about it."

A squeal from Astoria, who then immediately released me and latched on to Daphne.

Lord Greengrass looked as if he had just gone three rounds with a troll. "How can we ever repay you?"

"First of all, don't ever do something that stupid to Astoria. Rule number one of older men: you can't trust any of them. Myself included. Secondly, don't thank me yet. You're coming with me to hash things out with my lawyer, and deal with Lord Ogden. And don't dare say another word about your share of the Basilisk; that, we had already negotiated. You're keeping it. We'll work something else out later."

Greengrass nodded.

"Oh, and one more thing." I said, as I headed to the Floo.

"Yes?"

"If I'm really going to be your potential son-in-law, don't you at least think you ought to tell me your first name?"

A small smile crossed his face. "Cyrus…Cyrus Greengrass."

I stuck out my hand. "Hadrian Howlfang. Also known as John Winchester, also known as the Witcher. Pleased to meet you."

A look of confusion crossed his face as he took my hand. "Pardon me, but did you just…"

I yanked him forward into the Floo. "TED TONKS, OFFICES OF DOOF AND SCHMIRTZ!"

"SAYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

"Well, gentlemen," said Ted, leaning wearily over his desk, "Is this acceptable?"

Cyrus and I both leaned forward and began to read. Once again, Ted Tonks had proved worth his weight in gold. The negotiations had gone much easier with Lord Ogden than I had anticipated; it turned out he was just as unhappy with the situation as we were. He hadn't wanted to be bothered with what he called "the training of a proper lady', and would have been all too eager to simply 'take the girl off your hands when she was fully molded.' A statement which would have had his hair removed if Ted hadn't calmed everyone down. As it was, Ogden wasn't happy at all with Dumbledore, and looked quite gleeful to be pulling one over on him. If Dumbledore's supposed number two man was put out with him, things could only get worse for the Self-Righteous Sorcerer from here.

But this was an excellent place to start.

"My Lord…Hadrian…I mean no disrespect, but…why is there no option for Daphne to break this contract? You're the one that warned us against old men; why, then, have you done what Ogden did?"

"One very simple reason, Cyrus: the minute you and your daughter sign this, you will both be targets. If you and the rest of your family were to be killed, then Daphne could conceivably end up under someone's control who would rather she have absolutely no ties to me. I myself can think of several methods that could be used on your daughter to make her break the arrangement, leaving both you and your family vulnerable. And those same methods would be…less than effective if used on me. That being said, there are probably some other methods that I am not aware of that could influence me as well, which is why there is a place where you or Daphne can choose to sign to grant me permission to break the contract. Permission I must have if I am to change this document in any way. I would have made it two out of the three of us required to break it, but out of the three of us, I am the only one I can say with any degree of certainty cannot be either killed or controlled. I hope I have explained clearly enough?"

"…Yes, yes, I think so. Very well. I shall sign first."

He did so.

"I must ask, why the Slytherin name?"

I answered as I signed. "Let's just say, that if the unthinkable were to happen to me, then that name has the best chance of providing for your family and Daphne."

And that best chance was named Harry Potter, Magical Heir of Slytherin.

"There. All we need now is Daphne's signature, and that will be that."

Cyrus rose. "I'll fetch her."

Ted and I watched as he disappeared through the Floo. "Merlin…you don't do things by half, do you Hadrian?"

"I try my best."

It wasn't long before the green fire lit once more, and Cyrus returned, escorting…

"Good evening again, Daphne."

She curtsied. "Hadrian. Mr. Tonks."

"Ted, please miss. We're all friends here."

Cyrus' eyes flashed with mirth. "At the very least. Are you ready, Daphne?"

"…No…but it must be done…"

I knelt down once more in front of her. "I know. And I wish you could have chosen this of your own accord. Sign, or don't. That's as much of a choice as I could get for you; not much of one, I know. But please remember that I tried."

"…I will…"

She moved to the desk, took the quill, and very slowly, signed her name. The instant she did so, a glow came from the paper, and then faded away. She turned, and threw herself into her father's arms. He held her tight, slowly rose, and began to carry her toward the Floo.

"I think she's had quite enough excitement for one day. That being said, don't you dare leave just yet. I've got a few more things to discuss with you."

"Perfectly understandable. I'll wait."

He disappeared into the fireplace, leaving Ted and I alone once more.

"So…how bout the rest of those letters, hmmm?"

* * *

"Apparently, the letter from Malfoy is actually from the Junior. He remembered that Harry and I seemed acquainted, and asked me to pass along an invitation for the both of us to come play some Quidditch at his manor before term starts."

Ted scratched at his paper. "And will you?"

I shrugged. "If Harry likes. I'll give him an answer on Friday."

"…Ah, yes. The Longbottoms. That's gonna be quite the ant hill."

"Won't it just. You got those replies written out yet?"

He counted down the envelopes. "Nott, done. Parkinson, done. Bones for her House, done. Still don't know why you want to get close to her in that capacity, and not just as DMLE Director."

I did. If Neville ended up in Hufflepuff, it would be that much easier for him to get close to Susan. That, and I had heard theories that Amelia Bones was Sirius Black's ex-girlfriend. I was curious to see if there was any truth to them.

Lovegood had merely sent a copy of the Quibbler with our article on Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, with a note thanking me for the opportunity. And what may have possibly been pudding stains. Zabini had wanted exactly what I suspected; a chance to snag Mysteriously Disappearing Husband Nine. Oh, and apparently a father figure for her son Blaise. Go figure. I had shot down the first, but consented to keep a special eye on Blaise during the upcoming school year. Best to keep on Zabini's good side as much as possible, after all. Lastly, Bones as DMLE Director. She had thanked me somewhat stiffly for the gift, and had floated the idea of lunch to discuss "mutually beneficial arrangements". If it had been the letter for her House, I would have suspected a Consort Contract. But this had seemed to suggest things of a more informative nature, which I was more than happy to concede. I had offered any day within the next week for the mentioned lunch, and said I would wait for her reply.

"And Ogden, well, we already handled. I'll just finish up these replies to Fortescue and Zonko's, and we should be done for the night."

"Not quite, my friends." Funny; I hadn't even heard Cyrus come through. "First, there are two things I should very much like to know, Hadrian. One: when and where did you acquire alternate names, and why do you use them? And second: why did you sign that contract using the name of "The Witcher", and have Magic accept it as your own?"

* * *

Cyrus Greengrass…wasn't looking so hot. "It's true…it's all true…what Skeeter wrote about…"

"My being around since at least 1875? Yes. I'm afraid so."

"And what she wrote about…"

"Immortality? More or less. I haven't cared to try dying yet and find out for sure."

"No…no, I can see why…Merlin…and to actually be the Witcher…_the _Witcher…I mean, the wizarding world has had legends of you since…since forever. The last we heard, you rescued the Queen of England from a werewolf attack…and then disappeared…"

I shrugged. "And now I'm back."

"And…will your heirs be…"

"Immortal? No. Long-lived, even by wizarding standards? Most definitely."

"And…Daphne?"

"I honestly can't say."

"…I see. So. You say you've been around since 1875, but we have records of you further back than that…are you, perchance, a Time Traveler?"

"Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. Hate Time Turners; they're an affront to reality."

"Then you would be pleased to hear that as far as I know, there now exists not a single one in Merry Old England."

Oops. "Really? Do tell."

"The Department of Mysteries has been looking privately into acquiring some. When I asked why they could not use one of their own, they were forced to admit it was because, somehow, they had all disappeared. And most peculiar of all, it happened on the night of the demise of the late Senior Undersecretary."

I swallowed. "…Fascinating. If the murderer is truly using the stolen Time Turners to accomplish these deeds, it would explain quite a lot…"

"Yes. Yes, that is what I had thought. And I quite agree with you; Time Turners really are an affront to reality. If they were to be destroyed entirely, I would not mind in the least. Well, I'm afraid I must leave you gentlemen. Dinner, and my wife, await. I wish you all a pleasant night."

Ted barely looked up from his notes. "You as well, Lord Greengrass."

I nodded as he rose. "Catch you on the Flip Side, Cyrus."

"You as well…" he said as he whirled away, "…son-in-law."

"Potential! Potential son-in-law!" I clarified.

But he was gone.

"Well, that just about wraps things up for me. But unlike Lord Greengrass, my wife has no idea what I've been handling for the past few hours, so you are bloody well coming with me to help explain."

The image of an irate Andromeda Tonks filled my head. Suddenly. I wasn't quite so sure all that had happened today had been a good thing.


	52. Chapter 52

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:52

"You look like you've been through Hell."

I staggered past Cas into the bunker. "Worse. An interrogation by one of the Black sisters."

"The cousins of Sirius Black that you mentioned?"

"That would be them."

"…I see."

"No. And pray you never do. I thought I told you to guard Lupin?"

Cas followed me inside. "Jody is taking a shift. Lupin finished his list some time ago; now he's been doing nothing but asking questions about how Harry grew up."

I gave Cas a sharp look. "How did he react?"

Cas sighed, and stuck his hands in his coat. "He was understandably upset when he learned about Harry's early life. He seemed to take a great deal of satisfaction in Vernon Dursley's fate, although he expressed a desire you could have drawn it out a bit more."

"Same. And the rest?"

"It took a fair amount of explaining, but the fact he could apparently smell the grace within me seemed to leave no doubt in his mind that what I told him was the truth. He was shocked to learn of angels and demons, alarmed to hear what various powerful beings the family has had to face, and proud when he heard what Miss Evans had done to save her boys. Right now, I believe him to be…confused, more than anything else."

"Good. We keep him confused; it'll keep him from sinking into the doldrums. Now, I suppose it's time I tell you all exactly what my business was in London. Gather everyone around, Lupin included; it's best to drop something like this on everyone at the same time."

Cas nodded, and headed downstairs. Now, where was that owl?

* * *

"So." I looked around. Lupin in the corner, Jody and Cas covering him on opposite sides. Rowena at the table, and Harry and Dudley on either side. Familial scene. Shame I was about to make it somewhat less touching.

I cleared my throat, and put my hands forward on the table. "In London, there exists the capital of Magical Britain: The Ministry of Magic. Nominally, it reports to the Queen of England, but in actuality, it is the most incompetent morass of bureaucracy you will ever see."

Harry piped up. "What's 'bureaucracy' mean?"

Rowena reached over and fluffed his hair. "It means, dear, that it takes far too many people to get far too few things done."

"Okay, Aunt Rowena."

I continued. "Now, tangled up in this atrocity, are quite a large number of Departments that deal with the regulation of the wizarding world. Things such as the Aurors, which are their version of the police crossed with the FBI, and the Unspeakables, which are their version of HYDRA's research group from the comic books, but without the need to conquer all. Oh, and you are never to reveal anything of what you may learn about them to another wizard, even another Unspeakable. The penalty for doing so is, last I checked, death. Savvy?"

Everyone nodded, although Lupin looked as confused as possible, and mouthed the word 'Hydra' to himself questioningly.

I pressed on. "Now, the Unspeakables, and specifically their Department of Mysteries, are what I've mostly been dealing with. They are how I came to acquire those lovely artifacts we reduced to dust earlier this week. They have also been kind enough to let me double-check on something that existed in my own world, to ensure that there were no major differences, and if so, for me to begin to plan accordingly."

Cas perked up at that. "And were there? Any differences?"

"…Yes. There is one major difference here. Nice and Accurate Prophecies cannot be removed from the Department of Mysteries, unless by the person or persons it explicitly mentions."

Lupin looked as if he was going to bolt.

"Remus Lupin, you will sit right down in that chair and stay. Your previous cowardice in this matter is unforgivable; you will face facts this time like a man."

Slowly, he sank back down, all remaining signs of life disappearing from him.

Rowena set down her teacup. "Prophecies? A dodgy subject, dear."

"I quite agree. But in this case, whether or not the prophecy is true doesn't matter. What does matter, is that out of the four people that can remove that prophecy, two already firmly believe it to be true. And we will have to deal with that as best we can."

Jody spoke. "These two people? Who are they?"

"The first is the one who heard the prophecy when it was given, and who immediately began to arrange circumstances such that none of those mentioned within it would ever be a threat to him. Albus Dumbledore."

"And the second?"

"A person who had a spy nearby, a spy I am beginning to suspect was placed there on purpose by the whiskered wanker. Because that spy was a person who, after delivering the prophecy to his master, learned who it was referring to, and immediately turned to Dumbledore to protect them."

"A name, Witcher."

"The name of the spy, one tricked and controlled by both the Dark and the Light for their own ends, and the childhood friend of Lily Evans, was one Severus Snape. And the master whom he served, and later betrayed to spare the life of his former friend, was a monster named Tom Riddle Junior… or Voldemort."

Movement in the corner.

"Lupin, you will sit there until I am done, and accept that no vengeance will come for you unless you do as I say. Or I'll have Cas break your legs."

"…Yes, Al…Boss."

"Good."

Harry sat in shock. "…And that's why…"

"Yes Harry. That's why. Dumbledore heard the prophecy, one that could have referred to one of two people, and decided that if anyone was going to deal with the Dark Lord, it was going to be him. So, he arranged things such that the prophecy was repeated, overheard, and believed by Snape. Snape passed on the information, and went on his merry way. Dumbledore then moved the families whose newborn sons were the prophecies subjects into hiding, with the only people knowing where they were being two wizards who he knew were loyal to Voldemort. Then he sat back, and waited for everything to play out."

I stretched, then leaned forward again. "Somehow, I believe through a leak of Dumbledore's, Snape found out that one of the families was the Potters. And that they were the ones Voldemort had chosen as the most likely subjects. He pleaded with the Dark Lord to save his friend's life, and although the Dark Lord swore an oath not to do so, Snape still ran to Dumbledore, and begged him as well for his help. Voila! Dumbledore gained a fantastic spy within Riddle's ranks, and now had no reason to protect the families. Two betrayals later, one by Peter Pettigrew, and one by Barty Crouch Junior, Riddle was vanquished, the Potters were dead, the Longbottom's were tortured into insanity, and Harry…had gained a rather unique looking scar. Something I am pleased to see has now faded. But now, Dumbledore had a problem. Despite his best efforts, Riddle had indeed been beaten, and by the subject of the prophecy. And Albus would be damned if the wizarding world started following someone besides him, much less a boy. So, what does he do? Why, he immediately removes all healthy and caring influence from Harry's life, so that when he comes to Hogwarts, Dumbledore will be the only friendly authority figure he knows, allowing him to mold Harry to his will. And who knows? Maybe into someone that will carry his vision of how the world should look beyond his death. The next Leader of the Light."

I practically spat those last words.

"And…this…is what you've managed to piece together over the last week?"

"Most of it. It helped that I knew where to look from the way things happened in my world. I will admit, there were some differences. Like how Dumbledore seems to be less incompetent in this reality, and a good deal cleverer."

"And like how the prophecy cannot be taken from it's place unless by its subjects."

"Which in this world are Tom Riddle, Dumbledore, Harry, and the giver of the prophecy, Sybil Trelawney. Divination Teacher at Hogwarts."

Jody made a face. "…Convenient."

"Quite."

Cas crossed his arms. "And of the prophecy itself? Is it different from your world?"

"The message, no. The voice? Yes. Which gave me my first clue things weren't quite right."

Cas was looking a bit exasperated. "And the message?"

_"…The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."_

There was silence.

"So…I've got to fight Voldemort?"

"That's one way to look at it, Harry. Another is that you've already fought him, and won. Another is that you merely have the potential to beat him, and it's up to you to fight if you want. Marked as an equal, well, I'd say that's probably your scar. Power the Dark Lord knows not? I have a few theories on that, but nothing specific. The part that worries me is this: either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives."

"Translation, dear?"

"Dumbledore believes that the only way for Voldemort to truly die is for Harry to kill him. He also believes that neither Harry nor Voldemort will be successful in their endeavors until the other is killed. He's wrong. There's only one way to read that part. And it is thus: if Riddle kills Harry, Riddle will remain immortal. And if Harry kills Riddle…he will become immortal as well."

Jody began to raise her voice. "Hold on, I thought you said that Riddle was dead!"

"I said he was beaten. There's a difference. That little bit of Riddle's soul that Harry was carrying was proof of that. The only way for something like that to happen is if Riddle had already split off parts of his soul, in order to cheat Death."

Cas snorted. "I'll bet she didn't like that."

"Indeed. So, what I am going to be doing while at Hogwarts, is two things: protecting Harry here, and destroying any and all parts of Tom Riddle I can find."

"And, if Riddle comes back?"

"Then I intend to kill him, prophecy or no prophecy. If needs be, I'll just have Harry drop a really big rock on his head while he's sleeping."

Harry smirked. "Can it be an Acme rock?"

"…You know, I don't see why not."

Cas cleared his throat. "Getting back on track, how, exactly, can we avoid either outcome of the prophecy? Riddle's and Harry's respective…immortality."

"Simple. We ignore it. If it's fake, then nothing will happen. If it's true, then there's nothing we can do to change it. Fate doesn't like it when someone plays with her toys. And one often meets one's destiny on the road one takes to avoid it."

Blue eyes stared at mine. "He doesn't deserve that."

"Nobody does. I'm sorry. You can try reasoning with Fate herself if you want to, but I doubt she'll listen. In the meantime, I believe Harry has some catching up to do with his Uncle Moony. I, for one, am going to bed."

* * *

"You swear it?"

"Lupin, I make no promises, and I swear no oaths. But I can tell you I will do everything within my power to get you your justice."

He looked at me for longer than normal. "…I believe you. Give me the potion."

I handed over the bowl. "Remember, don't drink it until you hear the door swing shut. Once you've drunk it, wait. If anything happens, ride it out. If it gets too bad, get out. Otherwise, we should see you again in a few hours."

He nodded. I turned, and began to walk out of the room.

"…Thank you…"

"Don't thank me for anything yet. After we get you fixed up, I fully intend to punch you in the face for what you did to Harry."

"…I can't blame you…catch you…"

"Catch you."

And I shut the door.

* * *

I stared. "…Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that."

Lupin chuffed. At least I think that's what he did. Kinda hard to tell when his mouth was stretched out to accommodate wolf fangs.

"…Can you change back?"

A look of concentration crossed his face. A moment later, the wolf was no longer standing on all fours in front of me.

Lupin slowly stood. "The wolf…it's…it's still there…but now…now it's there all the time…was that really all it took? Was that all it wanted, to be let out more often?"

I shrugged. "Can't say. Can do this, though."

*THUNK!*

Lupin's eyes flashed, then calmed. "…I deserved that."

"Yes. Yes, you did. Now, how about we start getting you that revenge?"

The grin on his face looked as if it should have had fangs.

"Good. This way."

He followed behind as we walked.

"I've gone over the list you've made me; good stuff. Unfortunately, its all secondary ammunition. Nothing we can open a salvo on Dumbledore with, but all excellent stuff we can use to keep him dancing on his toes once we get the fire going."

Lupin growled. "Good. I want him burned."

"In the meantime, how bout we strike a little closer to heart?"

"…And where would that be."

"Oh, I dunno, I was thinking we could maybe, perhaps, go kill Fenrir Greyback?"

"…You know where he is?"

"Of course. And I know for a fact you can take him. Or, if you're uncomfortable with that, I can take him, and you watch my back."

"…No. I have to do it myself."

"Understandable. You think any Muggle weapons will work?"

"I doubt it."

"Pity. Still, I can think of at least one sword around here that can probably kill werewolves. Well, half-a-sword."

* * *

I closed my eyes, and reached up to pinch my nose. "Cas? Are you absolutely sure this is the sword?"

"Unless Dean managed to break another priceless weapon in half that I'm unaware of, that's the one."

"Because I hate to point this out, but this sword was broken long before it ever came into Dean's possession."

Mild confusion crossed Cas' face. "How can you tell?"

"Because I happen to know exactly where the other half of it is. In a small, seaside town, by the name of Storybrooke, in the possession of a man named…Rumpelstiltskin."

"_The_…Rumpelstiltskin?"

"I'm afraid so. This…is the missing half of the sword Excalibur."

Lupin's jaw practically detached. Cas didn't look much better.

"…And it has somehow gotten from Maine, to thousands of years in the past, to here. I kriffing _hate _time travel sometimes."

"Are you…planning to return it?"

"Good lord, no. Can you imagine _Rumpelstiltskin _with something as powerful as a whole Excalibur? This thing can kill practically anything under the sun as it is; re-forged, it could have…well, it could probably have killed Death herself."

Lupin and Cas were both looking at the sword now with undisguised fear.

"Don't worry. It should be perfectly safe. I have no intention of taking it out of the sheath unless pressed. I'll stick to my Last Word and magic for now. Right! Now, there's just one more thing before we leave."

Cas cleared his throat. "And what may that be?"

I slapped a book to his chest. "Since you're not a wolf, they won't allow your interference. In the meantime, you, Rowena, and Harry should probably get started on this."

Cas looked down at the book's title. "The Beginner's Guide to…Occlumency?"

I began strapping the sword and sheath to myself. "The art of protecting and ordering your mind. Very handy against people trying to read your mind, as well as possession and the Imperius curse. And especially useful in case you have specific information that should be protected, like, say, I dunno, a certain prophecy."

Cas' eyes lit up in understanding. "…We'll get right on it."

"Fantastic. Alright Lupin, you ready?"

He stretched. "Let's go."

"Grab my shoulder then. Oh, tell me if anything feels off between hops. This is the farthest I've ever gone with passengers, after all."

The look on Lupin's face was not one of reassurance.

* * *

"Oooo…I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Note to self: smoking is infinitely more hazardous to those around you than it is to you."

Lupin stumbled to his feet. "I'm fine…I'll be fine. Whooo…I think it was the sudden direction changes…I'll be good, know that I know what's coming…now…where's Greyback?"

I pointed up the hill. "I believe, in that house. Along with quite a few of his pack members. Are you sure you don't want your wand back?"

"No, it'll just give them an excuse. Besides, they're going to be ten times more scared of you than they are of me."

"How's that?"

"You don't live long as a werewolf without learning to smell what's coming. And today, that's Death."

He began walking forward, and I followed, activating my mask as I did so. I wasn't looking forward to any surprises. The first guard had his head twisted off by Lupin; the second went up in my flames.

Lupin smashed through the door, and roared. "GREYBACK! I CHALLENGE YOU FOR THE POSITION OF ALPHA!"

_*ZING*_

The dagger hung in the air in front of Lupin's eyes, right where I had stopped it. "Now, that wasn't very nice of you, was it?"

A figure moved forward out of the darkness. As it coalesced into shape, I could faintly pick up more movement in the shadows.

**"Lupin…so…you have come back…and I sense that you have decided to embrace the wolf…even more so than I…my, how the mighty are fallen."**

"Shut it, Greyback. I'm here for one reason and one reason only; pure, simple revenge. I have challenged you. Will you accept, or hand over your crown now?"

**"I…accept. I am the challenged; the only rules are no magic allowed."**

"Very well. Your second?"

**"RHIANNON!"**

A second form crept forward. "I will serve as second."

Greyback grinned. **"And what of your second, Lupin?"**

I stepped forward. "I will serve as his second."

**"Oh, hasn't anyone told you, wizard? Only a wolf can act as a wolf's second."**

I grinned back. "That's why he brought me. Smell for yourself."

A pause.

The movement in the shadows, which until then had been constant, stopped. Greyback took a step back in fear. **"What ARE you?"**

"For here? For now? And for you? Death. The only reason I'm not challenging you for myself is Lupin deserves to make his own way."

Lupin made a slight bow. "Thank you, Alpha."

That statement shocked Greyback even more. **"…Very well. He is your second. Arm yourself."**

Lupin grabbed the dagger that was still hanging in the air, and twirled it. Greyback pulled his own out of its sheath, and began to bob from side to side. **"On my mark."**

Lupin nodded in agreement.

**"Three…two…one…NOW!"**

And they charged.

The fight was short and brutal. Greyback wasn't expecting Lupin to be able to change at will, much less into the form of a massive direwolf. In the end, Lupin ripped Greyback's throat completely out, while stabbing upwards into his heart.

The minute Greyback's body hit the floor, five wolves leapt forward, hoping to take Lupin's new position for themselves. I managed to trap two in my wall of flame, but three made it through and to us. Lupin yanked his dagger from the corpse, and began fighting one. I pulled out Excalibur, and began swinging at another. And surprisingly, Greyback's second attacked the last one.

Half-a-minute later, it was all over.

I watched as the blood on Excalibur was absorbed into the blade. Huh. Looks like I had my replacement for the Sword of Gryffindor. I sheathed it, and went over to where Lupin and…Rhiannon…had started fixing each other up.

I heard Lupin whisper, "Why would you fight?"

The woman answered softly. "You are the Alpha now. And…maybe…you'll be kinder to us than they were."

I coughed. Lupin looked up.

"You okay staying here for a couple of hours, Moony?"

He slowly nodded. "…Why?"

"Well, there is a reward out for Greyback's head. I thought the least I could do would be to drop off the body, collect the cash, and give it to any werewolves that might want to come to America, where I know of a relatively decent werewolf settlement they can stay."

Rhiannon looked up with hope in her eyes. "Can…can they do what…Remus did?"

"Yes. And there's a cure we can get that'll let you do the same. But only in America."

She nodded. "I'll take the offer. If Remus is going to be in America, then that's where I'm going to be."

"Very well. Lupin, I should be back relatively soon. Ish. Round up all the ones that want to come; and help them take whatever's not nailed down."

Lupin nodded, and went back to wrapping a particularly nasty bite on Rhiannon's arm. I hope he got up the courage to try things with her; she seemed like a nice sort, and Tonks, sorry, Sam, deserved better than a mopey self-destructive…never mind. I had things to do and people to kill. Or was that the other way around?

I shrugged, pulled out a sack, and wrapped up Greyback's body. Out came Dawlish's heart: "You are to make your way down to the Department of Magical Creatures. Make a believable excuse as to why you must go. Once you get there, here is what you must do…"

I continued talking as I whirled away.

* * *

Three minutes later, I dumped the dead body in front of the appropriate official in the Department for Care of Magical Creatures. A.k.a. Walden MacNair. I watched as his eyes opened impossibly wide, staring first at the body, then at me. I leaned forward slightly, and whispered.

"Human race. Greatest monsters of them all."

MacNair moved.

But I moved first.

Three seconds later, I removed Excalibur from his chest, and slid it back into my sheath. I turned to Dawlish.

"Make the call that is most likely to get Amelia Bones here. When she arrives, tell her exactly what you have witnessed: That I arrived with proof of the death of Fenrir Greyback, and upon revealing the proof, Mr. MacNair attempted to relieve me of my head with his axe, the one that is now buried in the chair I was just sitting in. You are not to tell anyone what I have done beyond killing this filth. You are also to call attention to the fact that Mr. MacNair obviously sports a Dark Mark. Once you have acted upon these orders, you will remember only the series of events that I have dictated, and forget all else. Now go."

He nodded, and stepped outside the office, shouting something or other as he did so. I knelt in front of MacNair's dying body.

"See, the thing is, actually, dead men do tell tales. This is going to hurt a lot, for the both of us."

I reached my thumbs up, and dove into his dying mind.

Everything was falling to pieces, but all I needed were the most recent events.

Specifically, the discussions he had had with his Death Eater buddies on how best to protect themselves in this "uncertain time".

Ah! Got them.

Rowle, Gibbon, Avery…

I pulled myself out of the morass, just in time to watch the last spark of life leave his eyes.

"Good riddance."

I stood, and turned, just in time to watch a stunner fly directly at me. I would like to say that I was able to avoid it, but I did not. I can, however, say that stunning spells seem to operate by deactivating the awake center of the brain. Something I am immensely capable of turning on and off for myself, thank you very much.

I growled. "The next person that tosses a spell my direction is going to end up like the other two bodies in this office."

Amelia Bones lowered her wand. "Aurors, stand down."

"But ma'am, he…"

"I said STAND DOWN. Unless I am much mistaken, Proudfoot, you just attempted to assault the Lord of three Most Ancient Houses."

"Two Most Ancient, and one Most Ancient and Most Noble." I corrected.

"Yes. I had forgotten that. Would you like to press charges on Auror Proudfoot, my Lord?"

"I don't believe that will be necessary. I, unlike some others I could mention, have a fair amount of trust in your judgement."

Bones smirked. "Indeed. Now, from what I gather from Auror Dawlish, you were attempting to claim the reward on one Fenrir Greyback?"

I made a slight bow. "Your Auror is correct, madam. But alas, the reward is not mine. I am merely here because the…perpetrator of justice, as it were, would not be welcome in the Ministry."

"And why may that be, my Lord?"

"Well, examine the method of…dispatch, and you should have your answer. Needless to say, I consider the individual my friend, and though I do intend to pass along the reward to him, I would prefer to keep his name out of it."

One of the Aurors examining the bodies called out. "Looks like Greyback had his throat ripped out, ma'am. Only one thing I know of can do that."

Bones raised an eyebrow. "Werewolf power struggle?"

I shook my head. "Werewolf power vacuum. You're welcome, by the way. You shouldn't have much of a werewolf problem for the next few years."

"…You have my thanks, my Lord."

"And you have mine, Director Bones, for taking the situation well in hand."

"Please, my Lord…" she reached up and removed her monocle, "…call me Amelia."

Ah. Perhaps she did want that Consort Agreement after all.

"Dawlish was right, boss. Dark Mark on the arm."

Amelia barked over my shoulder. "Cause of death?"

"I'd say the massive sword wound in his chest didn't do him any favors, ma'am."

Amelia turned back to me. "Really? A trained professional with an axe nearly takes your head off, and yet you have time to draw a sword from that position while sitting down?"

"I have a lot of practice with dodging?" I lamely answered.

"Hmmm. Well gentlemen, I see this case as closed. Lord Howlfang here merely chose the wrong department to report his deed to, and as such, when Mr. MacNair saw the item in question, he, due to the recent events that have made things somewhat bothersome for 'upstanding citizens' such as himself, took it as a threat to his person and responded with lethal force. If Mr. MacNair had survived, he would have been in Azkaban for attacking a Lord."

Three choruses of "Understood, Boss." Echoed around the room.

"Pack everything away, gentlemen. Now, my Lord…"

"It's Hadrian, Amelia."

She smiled. "Very well then. Hadrian. Would you be so very kind as to step into my office? I have some things I should like to discuss with you."

I bowed. "Lead the way, madam."

"Auror Dawlish, you will accompany us. Now, Hadrian, I believe you promised me lunch next week? Shall we say, Tuesday?"

I managed a smile. "That would be lovely, Amelia."

And it would be. Provided she wouldn't be too put out with me for what I was about to do on Friday.


	53. Chapter 53

1:53

Amelia Bones stared at me over her desk with an unreadable expression. "Tell me, Hadrian, exactly what series of circumstances led to you choosing that particular office to deposit your acquisition?"

I shrugged. "Department of Magical Creatures. Werewolves are legally creatures. I was told MacNair was the man to see for disposal of dangerous beasts."

"I see. And you didn't see fit to inform my Department because…"

"Because I knew you had quite enough on your plate as it was, what with all of the…occurrences…in the Ministry itself."

"Hmmm. Speaking of the…occurrences…I must thank you once again for the information you have passed along. It has made the investigation into the…deaths…quite a lot easier."

"I can imagine."

"Yes. If you had not passed on that information to me, I should have been forced to charge the Prophet and Rita Skeeter to release it. And that is a political battle I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with. As it stands, using the information you have provided, there is only one person whom I can pretty categorically state is not a suspect."

"And that would be?"

"Lord Malfoy."

"…Not that I don't believe you, but would you mind explaining?"

"Certainly. In all the dealings of the former Senior Undersecretary that we have uncovered, Malfoy's name is the one of the few that is completely missing. Which means, either he has truly had nothing worth knowing by Madame Umbridge, or he knew best how to hide his secrets. Both of which mean he has no reason at all to wish the Madame dead. This is further confirmed by the fact that both of the sequential bodies bore the Dark Mark on their arms, and I know for a fact that Mr. Malfoy would never betray his former comrades unless for some great gain. And considering that Madame Umbridge had dirt on both Madame Edgecombe and Mr. Yaxley, I find it unlikely that any and all secrets of Mr. Malfoy they might have carried did not end up in possession of the late Undersecretary."

"…Why are you telling me all this? I mean, I'm hardly DMLE, and even though I have had some dealings with Malfoy, I hardly think he would trust this information if I were to relay it."

"Because, my dear Hadrian…" she pulled out her wand.

My half-sword just touched the tip of her nose. "I would advise remembering what happened the last time someone drew on me around here."

"…Of course, sir. My apologies. I merely wished to establish some privacy spells."

"Go ahead. But take care. I don't sheath until you do. …I could have phrased that better."

"Agreed."

She flicked her wand in every direction but my own, then returned it to her holster. I did the same.

"…You know, I believe the story of your draw on MacNair somewhat more now."

"Good to know. Now, I reiterate, why did you tell me all of that?"

"Because, Hadrian, I am fairly confident that the Auror currently standing outside this office has something to do with the murders in this building."

Bollocks.

"…And you wanted to make sure he overheard that conversation because…"

"Because I wanted whoever he is working for to hear the same. In private, we have every reason to suspect Malfoy. Just the lack of his name alone is suspicious, plus the fact that the most likely leakers of his secrets here in the Ministry are the ones that got strung up."

"Literally. So, you believe that Malfoy is…"

"I believe nothing. I suspect everything. It is why I have lived so long. I believe that there are two sides to this game now: the side of your werewolf friend, and Malfoy's. The fact that your werewolf friend may be on Malfoy's side is unlikely at best, considering I know of only one man who would stand up to Greyback and have half-a-chance of winning. And he's Dumbledore's man through and through."

"Not anymore. He's had enough. He's clearing out. This was his final farewell gift, if you will. He needs the money to make it somewhere he won't be known. I offered to lend him the money, but he wouldn't take charity."

"Yes. That sounds like Lupin. He was a class below me in Hogwarts, you know."

"I did not."

"He and all of his friends: Pettigrew, Potter, and…"

"Black."

"…Yes."

"Ironically enough, that's part of the reason he's clearing out. He found out something about that whole mess that convinced him Dumbledore wasn't the shining paragon he once thought. He wouldn't say what, but I have my lawyer looking into it."

"Might I have his name?"

"Tonks. Ted Tonks."

"…I see. Making sure someone's family has a personal stake in an investigation is an excellent motivator."

"Quite."

"Now, to get back to the original subject. At first, I suspected Auror Dawlish because of a series of circumstances that seemed to connect the two of you."

Double bollocks.

"…Pray tell."

"The hearts."

"…I beg your pardon?"

"Do you know what one of the enchantments on my monocle is, Hadrian? It is the ability to detect where someone's heart truly lies. And the fact that I can no longer see my Auror's heart is a very troubling thing."

"…I could see why."

"Now, do you know the only other person I am unable to see the heart of?"

"…I'm gonna go out on a limb and say me?"

"Yes. Now, why would that be, Hadrian?"

"Quite simple. The same accident that resulted in my…longevity…also resulted in the loss of my soul."

"You call it an accident. I would call it a crossroads deal."

This day just kept getting worse and worse.

"…I can assure you, Director, that I would never do such a thing. Enough demons had a hold on my soul as it was; the last thing I would do would be to willingly give another one power over me."

"Oh, I believe you. I just wanted to see how far afield you had traveled during your time in the world. All information on crossroads deals, in fact most of the supernatural, has been restricted in European magical circles for some time."

"Ah. The Men of Letters, I suspect?"

"Correct. You were instrumental in their founding, after all. Magic has always been one of the things they have done their best to regulate. They handled the Muggle side of the last two wars, for the cost of information such as crossroads deals being buried even deeper."

"Understandable. I shudder to think what would have happened had Grindelwald sold his soul and gained even more power."

"Yes. Now, the only question I have left is: who is in possession of my Auror's soul?"

"…Well, I can tell you right now it isn't Malfoy."

"…Are you sure of that?"

"Quite sure. I have been doing business with him recently, and he has far bigger things on his plate than a few dead 'upstanding members of society.'"

Understanding flashed across Bones' face. "…Malfoy holds the Black votes, doesn't he?"

"Yes."

"And if he were to suddenly discover a hole in Sirius Black's imprisonment…"

"Goodbye majority in the Wizengamot."

"…I have underestimated you, Hadrian. There are indeed two sides to this game: yours, and whoever dares oppose you. You are playing Malfoy as insurance."

"Not just as insurance. I have other people I can count on for that."

"Like whom?"

"Read tomorrow's Prophet. I'm sure it'll be in there somewhere."

"…Noted. So, do you have any idea who might have seen fit to perform these gruesome deeds?"

I shrugged. "No idea. After all, if Skeeter sold her information to me, I'm quite sure she's sold it to other people. Not to mention whoever apparently got Umbridge to spill her secrets. I assume you checked her for magical influence?"

"Yes. Nothing. But now I'm wondering if the same person who got to Dawlish also got to Umbridge. After all, once you're dead, it's relatively hard to determine if you lost your soul before that."

"True. Just to insure nothing of the sort continues to happen, you might wish to publish a note in the Prophet, something to the effect that you are investigating further connections to the victims that might have provided sufficient motive. And then afterwards mention that MacNair was found to have a Dark Mark on his arm, and that he is no longer with us. If the perpetrator believes that you are beginning to use lethal force to investigate, he or she might be inclined to hold off on their own retribution."

"…I'll take it into consideration."

"Good. If there is anything else, Director?"

"Just the one. I recall seeing a very old illustration that bears a striking resemblance to the blade you carry. I can assume there is some truth to the rumors you are investigating relics of the Founders' time, considering you managed to acquire half of Excalibur?"

"…You could say that."

"Excellent. I look forward to seeing you results. Oh, incidentally, do you know the name the Prophet has decided to run with for our perpetrator?"

"I couldn't begin to imagine."

"The Night Stalker. It was the headline this morning. Whoever they are, they certainly couldn't ask for a more dramatic one than that."

I silently cursed Fate in my head.

"…No. No, they couldn't. Good day, Amelia."

"Good day, Hadrian. And don't forget tea on Tuesday."

"How could I, with such a marvelous woman sharing her time with me? Until then."

* * *

"Good day to you, Miss Skeeter."

"And good day to you, Lord Howlfang. Now, what delicious story do you have for me today?"

"Stories, Miss Skeeter. And I barely have enough time to give you this as it is. I'm expected in New York in fifteen minutes."

She smiled like a shark. "You can count on me to fill in the blanks."

"Yes. Story one: Fenrir Greyback is dead. And quite a large number of his pack. They shan't be bothering anyone in England ever again. The Ministry will confirm it."

Skeeter's eyes began to bug out. "…And the second story?"

"Tiberius Ogden no longer owns the betrothal contract for one Daphne Greengrass. House Slytherin does. Please, do try and make it seem like a master stroke."

Skeeter had dropped her quill at that. "…Be…Betrothal Contract?"

"Yes, and it was a devilish business. But well worth it. You are not to pester any member or the Greengrass family or Lord Ogden for an interview. Nor are you to make up any of their comments. The rest, I leave up to you."

"Wait! The Crumple-Horned Snorkack! Did you really discover one, and give the Quibbler the evidence?"

"Of course. It's an agreement I have with Mr. Lovegood, that he gets first pick of all magical discoveries I have. If you wish pictures of your own, he will always be the one to ask. Now, I believe that is all Miss Skeeter. Good day to you."

* * *

"Good morning, Hadrian!"

"Good morning, Luna. Is your father in?"

"No, I'm afraid he's completely out. Bonkers. Off his head. But he is in his office."

"…Thank you, Luna."

"Do you normally carry people's hearts around in your pockets?"

"…Only if they've done something I didn't agree with."

"Oh, poo. I was hoping you would carry my heart around with you wherever you go."

"…And we both know there's nothing you could ever do that I would disagree with."

"Of course! You're my friend!"

"Yes, Luna. Save me some of that pudding when I come back through, please. It looks delicious."

"I know! The dirigible plums really hold the consistency! Oh, and mind the cuddle-pus when you go through the hall. It's decided to learn to play five-dimensional chess with Daddy."

"…Understood."

* * *

"Mr. Lovegood?"

"Yes, my boy?"

"Why is there a spawn of Yog-Sothoth in your office?"

"Why, he's learning to play five-dimensional chess, of course! In return, he's going to give me an interview! He was so delighted when he saw that I had finally discovered a Snorkack; it meant I could reliably hold a conversation with him without my mind melting!"

"The son…of Yog-Sothoth…reads the Quibbler…you know what, I'll think about that later…"

Lovegood nodded serenely. "It's how I've lived my life, my boy, and it's worked well so far. Now, are you going to show me the broken blade of Excalibur, or not?"

"…Your guest won't mind if I draw it?"

**_GRAAAWWWBLEEETHICHUACHHHHUMPHHHH._**

"…I'll take that as a no."

* * *

I smoked back to where I had left Lupin. "All ready to go?"

He took a look around at the gathered weres, and then nodded.

"Good. We're going to Gringotts in New York, to get you your needed documents. And the Ministry was kind enough to give us a little extra gold to make sure everything goes smoothly. On three, we go. One…two…three!"

* * *

"Greetings, Account Manager Griphook. I need a full set of forged Magical identification papers and licenses for…" I turned around and began counting, "…Twelve adults and seven children. I have someone to handle the Muggle end of things. Here is the payment. The rest is to be put into a communal account, with Mr. Lupin here as the Key-holder."

I plonked down the bag of Ministry gold in front of him.

Griphook looked down at the pile of coins, and then back up to me with a wide grin. "That will be more than plenty, Blade Dancer. The first set can go on back."

I waved the first couple and their daughter forward.

"Oh, and it may interest you to know that your official blood-record has automatically updated. Another title has been added to the list: The Night Stalker. The Goblin nation approves."

Of bloody course they did.

* * *

"You want us to what?"

"Forge. Documents. For twelve adult werewolves. And seven cubs. And I will gladly pay double the going rate. They're going to be living with Garth's clan."

Ashe looked up from his computer. "Garth? You mean they're pureblood?"

"They're going to be. Found a partial cure that gives them control over the transformation, at the cost of literally becoming a wolf when they do so. Albeit a sentient wolf."

"…I know some people that would pay out of their butts for that."

"Too bad. For anything other than magical werewolves, it's just a normal cure."

"…Still know a few potential buyers. You let me deal with them, I keep the profits, and I'll be more than happy to give you all the fake ID you could possibly need."

"Deal."

"CHARLIE! WE GOT CUSTOMERS!"

* * *

Rhiannon looked from the potion, back to Cas and I. "This…this is how Remus did it? A Muggle potion?"

"Made by Muggles. But totally magical. You'd be surprised what goes on in the magical parts of other countries."

She considered my answer, then slowly picked up the bowl. "Alright. How do we do this?"

* * *

Lupin looked from the house back to me in confusion. "I don't understand. This is…ours?"

"Yep. Biggest magical house I could find near Garth. He'll be your contact to help you settle into the Muggle world. It's a communal society, so you're all going to have to share whatever you gain. You're the only one I trust with the Vault key, plus you're the Alpha, so here you go."

He took the key. "But what about Harry? How am I going to…"

I thwacked him on the head. "Are you or are you not a wizard, man? You can apparate, can't you?"

"…Oh. Sorry. And…thank you. For everything."

"Don't thank me yet. If worse comes to worse, I may need you to 'come back to life' as a Hogwarts professor. Defense Against the Dark Arts. Which is something you're going to be teaching Harry, Castiel, and myself during the remaining weeks before term. Savvy?"

"…I savvy. Thank you again."

"Don't mention it. Come by on Saturday, I should have some interesting news for you."

"I look forward to it."

* * *

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor?"

"Hmph. You're catching on. Is your occlumency coming along well?"

"Yes, Professor. Aunt Rowena says that's probably because I've technically learned it already."

"She'd be right. If you feel like you can keep everything I've told you in the past couple of days a secret behind your shields, how would you like to go flying with Draco Malfoy sometime next week?"

Harry looked from me to Cas. "Can I Uncle Cas?"

"…If your professor is going to be there, I don't see why not. Will he be needing a broom?"

I held up a Nimbus 2000. "Already taken care of."

"Wicked!"


	54. Chapter 54

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:54

"Good day, Lord Howlfang."

"Good day, Lord Malfoy. I trust everything is in order?"

"Indeed. I have arranged for the Head of St. Mungos to meet us at the Floo entrance in ten minutes. Just enough time to…review…certain details."

"Very well, then. Let us review away."

"Point one. You intend to revive Lord and Lady Longbottom by Obliviating everything up to and including the…events…that led to their current state?"

"Correct."

"Good. Here is a license I have obtained for you to legally preform the Obliviation."

I took the offered slip of parchment, and slid it into my coat.

"Point two. I have discovered that the head of the Janus Thickery Ward, the one in which the Longbottoms reside, has been receiving payments off the books during his time there. Coincidentally, they began shortly after the Longbottoms were placed into his care."

"No chance of him being paid by Madame Longbottom?"

"None."

"Damn. We'll have to be prepared for any illegal doses of potions as well."

"The Head of St. Mungos is a Potions Master."

"Well done. Next point?"

"I have received the copy of Heir Potter's blood-test from your lawyer. He stated that he was extremely sorry that he was unable to provide the full document, but someone had paid the Goblin Nation a good deal of money to keep certain information off of it. He went on to say that I would probably have more luck if I were to look into it personally."

Thereby keeping him even more occupied. Good on you, Ted. Wish I'd thought of that.

"All we know for certain is that whatever names may have been left off, that Heir Potter is not the Ward of the Longbottoms. I doubt they would be able to pay the Goblins anything at this time."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Malfoy. Perhaps Dumbledore wished even more than we thought to keep the Longbottoms' names out of this. Lord Black was already dealt with; your right as proxy to the Blacks would be easily blockable if it was also revealed that you were the servant of the other name listed for Magical Guardian."

Malfoy's eyes widened.

"Yes, I am aware of the Dark Lord's true name. But I shall not be revealing it, except under great duress. Dumbledore is the enemy now, and revealing something like that would only strengthen his cause."

"…Yes…yes, I agree…" he rasped.

It was a complete lie, of course. After all, I was going to be teaching History of Magic. Sooner or later, it was bound to come out.

"Currently, all we should concern ourselves with is how to destroy He-With-Too-Many-Names' hold over so many powerful Houses. If you can focus on the Potter and Longbottom side of affairs, it should keep the old man worried enough to let me work on other things in the background."

"Such as depriving him of Lord Ogden's support."

"You've read the Prophet then, I take it?"

"Yes. Very well done. I myself am well-acquainted with Lord Greengrass' abilities in the…import…business. And to seal a similar deal with the only other legal publication in Magical Britain through the Lovegoods was a brilliant idea. I wish I had thought of it myself; a Consort arrangement between Draco and the Lovegood Heir would have been ideal. But there's no prize for second place, now is there?"

He didn't think I had…did he? He would only think that if…Skeeter. She and I were going to have a _long _talk after this.

I gritted my teeth. "Quite. Incidentally, young Draco was able to deduce a manner of contact with me. He was unable to get in touch with Heir Potter directly, something I suspect has to do with the wards at his present location, and thus sent his owl to my lawyer. He inquired if Heir Potter would wish to come flying some time in the coming week, and I wished to insure it was alright with you before I gave you Heir Potter's answer."

"But of course. It would be our pleasure."

"In that case, Heir Potter would be pleased if he could come on Wednesday."

"I will have the Quidditch pitch prepared."

"Excellent. Also, Heir Potter was fascinated when your House Elf delivered your earlier message. Due to the fact his earlier life was devoid of friends thanks to Dumbledore, I think it would be a good idea to use said House Elf as the courier between your son and young Harry. But to do so, he would have to belong to the family to whom his location's wards respond. Because of this, I wish to offer to buy your House Elf, and give him to Heir Potter."

"…You are aware, of course, of how much a House Elf is worth?"

"Naturally. But I know how much security matters in the game we are playing, and I thought you would prefer if your son was dealing with an Elf that already knew Malfoy secrets, and could be trusted not to betray them. And I am of the belief that all owls directed to young Harry would eventually be read by the Headmaster."

"…You make a very good point. Very well. I shall sell him to you for…"

He named a sum.

I pretended to consider it, then slowly nodded. "Acceptable, for the security alone. I shall direct the gold be transferred to your account once we are through at St. Mungos."

"You honestly believe you will be able to make a timely escape from the clutches of the Ministry after the disturbance we are about to cause?"

"Why not? I'm having lunch with the Head of the DMLE next week, seeing as how she has asked for my assistance dealing with the corruption in the Ministry that allowed for three gruesome murders to occur with nary a clue as to the perpetrator. Seems killing Fenrir Greyback and…removing…most of the remaining werewolf population in Britain gets you a fair amount of good will."

"…Yes…yes, I can see how. Is dealing with the Senior Undersecretary's murder yet another thing you have in the background?"

"In a manner of speaking. Much more important to me is the fact that Dumbledore has mentioned having a scar on his knee in the form of a map of the London Underground. A network of tunnels that runs right…underneath…the Ministry."

"…Do you honestly believe…"

"No, definitely not. Dumbledore's too Light for that. I think. But it's certainly worth pointing out to the Director of the DMLE."

"…You're a kite dancing in a hurricane, Lord Howlfang."

"He who dares, wins, Lord Malfoy. Now, I believe we are expected?"

* * *

I knelt in front of Alice Longbottom first. They had both been in a fight for their lives at the time I was resetting their memories too, and I had more faith in Alice's ability to restrain Frank then I did vice versa.

Malfoy had his wand trained on the medi-wizard in charge of the Ward. He had attempted to curse me in the back after I had announced my intentions, and Malfoy had responded with an Incarcerous, followed by a Perfectus Totalis. Malfoy had then ordered the Head of St. Mungos to perform a check on the Longbottoms for any abnormal potions, and then call the Aurors. He had declared Alice to be under a Confusing Concoction, and was now checking Lord Longbottom.

Because of the potion, I was resetting her memories back to before the actual fight to be on the safe side. It would probably destroy some evidence of Barty Crouch's betrayal, but there was still Frank. I took a deep breath, let it out, and raised my wand to Alice's head.

"Obliviate."

The control may have been a great deal finer than if I had been wandless, but it was still like vacuuming out sludge. Whether that was due to the potion or the damage, I couldn't say. I fully expected to spend quite a bit of time in here, and it was more than likely the Aurors would be waiting for me when I emerged. That is, if Dawlish was unsuccessful in delaying them, as I had ordered him to. Still, I took my time, making sure to erase any and everything that could have caused even the slightest amount of trauma to bleed through.

After what seemed an eternity, I pulled myself out of the giant void I had excavated. Hopefully, it would fill back in after I left. I really didn't want to feel responsible for any further mental issues she may develop. Poor woman had suffered enough.

As far as I could see, no Aurors yet, but the Head had gone. I turned to Malfoy. "Have the Aurors been called yet?"

"Just left to call them. And Lord Longbottom was not under any behavior altering potions. His case of trauma was more severe than his wife's, thus probably not requiring the insurance. Speaking of, were you successful?"

"I believe so. She should be waking up soon. I would advise sitting down to avoid appearing as a threat."

"A noble suggestion, but as you can see, it would be a bit hard to conjure a chair at the moment."

I absent-mindedly waved my hand, and two chairs appeared. One for Malfoy, and one directly between the Longbottoms' beds.

Malfoy looked from me, to the chairs, then back again. "And just when were you going to mention you were capable of that?"

"I wasn't. I wanted to see the expression of our mutual friend…" I nodded at the still-bound form of the wizard on the floor, "…when he realized that his employer was no longer the most powerful man in the wizarding world."

"And of course, the fact he will probably weasel out of any charges and report your power to said employer is nothing to worry about at all?"

"Oh, it is. Just not to me."

"…I see."

Alice Longbottom began to stir. I holstered my wand, sat, and placed my hands under my chin.

Her eyes opened slowly, still cloudy from the potion, but clearing.

_"…What…what…happened…where am I?"_

"I am afraid that you are in St. Mungos, Janus Thickery Ward. And have been for some time. As to what happened, there was an attack on your house."

_"…Can't…remember…"_

"You were subjected to multiple Crucios, that caused great damage to your nervous system. We have only just been able to reverse the damage, but your memories were unsalvageable."

_"…How…long?"_

"Just over ten years. I'm sorry."

_"…Frank? …Neville?"_

I flicked my eyes to her left, and her gaze followed.

_"…No…Frank…"_

"We were waiting to see if the treatment was successful before treating him. His case is far worse than yours was. Your son, however, is perfectly fine. He is being raised by his grandmother. Now, Lady Longbottom, I appreciate that this all must seem a lot to take in. But as it stands, I and my friend in the chair over there…" I nodded at Malfoy, "…stand to be in a fair amount of trouble with some very powerful people for healing you when they very much did not wish you healed. I would like your verbal approval to heal your husband in the same manner I have just healed you."

_"Frank…please…"_

"Lady Longbottom! Your permission!"

_"Please…help him…"_

Good enough.

I slowly pulled out my wand, and then it was down into Frank Longbottom's mind.

Less sludge, more chaos. This was much worse than Alice's; his mind was actively fighting off any and all intrusions. Thus, more time required. On the bright side, the actual events of the fight were a good deal clearer. Yay for no potions.

When I finally re-emerged from Frank's mind, I pulled my wand away from his forehead, gently placed it into my pocket, stood, and turned.

Only to stare directly into the rather angry gaze of Amelia Bones.

I gave what I thought was an innocent look.

"…Parlay?"

* * *

"Well, Lords Malfoy and Howlfang, as it stands, he has a ready-made excuse that he was merely protecting the lives of a pureblood Lord and his Lady from what he thought was an attack."

I crossed my leg over the other one at the knee. "As expected."

"However, there is still enough suspicion that allows for an…investigation…into certain financial matters."

"Good. If nothing else, the DMLE should be thorough. Wouldn't you agree, Lord Malfoy?"

Malfoy smiled the grin of a shark. "Indubitably. I for one would be more than happy to lend any help the DMLE would request in this matter."

"The DMLE thanks you, Lord Malfoy. I must once again apologize for taking so long to respond. We take the news of an attack on two Lords of the Wizengamot very seriously, and it was only an unfortunate series of events that delayed us so long."

An unfortunate series of events. Described Dawlish very well. At the very least, his performance would muddle whatever Amelia had suspected as to the relationship between Malfoy and her soulless Auror. After all, it would be impossible for her to tell if he was prevaricating because his controller wanted the Longbottoms healed, or because he had been ordered to do all he could to ensure the apparent attack on Malfoy had no effective response. Tricky business.

Malfoy brushed an imaginary hair from his robes. "I am sure. Still, no harm done. And two prominent members of society have been restored to their rightful place. Perhaps now we can finally learn some of the facts of that awful night."

Amelia gave him a sideways look. "Perhaps. Although I suspect it will be a while. Certain parties are already moving to keep the official status of the Longbottoms as unfit, thus casting doubt on any information they may see fit to share."

I snorted. "Five to one odds I can name one of those parties."

Amelia sighed. "Not taken. Thank you for your time, Lord Malfoy. If you would wait outside, I have some questions for Lord Howlfang. Your opinion on certain subjects may be requested."

Malfoy rose and drew himself up to his full height. "Of course, Madame Bones. I live to serve."

Once he had gone, Amelia threw up secrecy spells and turned her full attention to me. "So. This is how you're keeping Malfoy busy. Good deeds to change people's perception of him."

"Oh lord no, this was just as profitable for him as for the Longbottoms. One, it will cost 'certain parties' political capital to keep this under control. Two, he wasn't kidding when he said he wanted details from that night to come to light. Did you know that the Longbottoms were under the exact same protections as the Potters? Amazing, really, that the protections set up by 'certain parties' failed not once, but twice. Within a few days of each other, I might add. And third, after arranging for something like this, he may not only get Madame Longbottom as an ally on the Wizengamot, but on the Hogwarts Board of Governors as well."

"An organization that is defunct now that the owner of the school has returned." Amelia drawled.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Not for a few more years at least."

"Hmph. Now, as to the real reason I asked Malfoy to step out. You may have noticed I failed to mention exactly what the cause of the delay on our end was."

"The thought had crossed my mind." I deadpanned.

"The long and the short of it is, whether by accident or by design, Auror Dawlish suffered a terrible accident and dropped a cauldron full of ink directly in front of the DMLE Floo."

"…I see. Why on Earth would you see that as an accident?"

"He managed to slip on the ink just as the Floo activated and got his lower half stuck in the Department of Waste Management's Floo."

"How on Earth did he manage that?"

"I believe the first thing that came out of his mouth once he realized where he was falling bore a remarkable resemblance to the words 'Oh, crap.'"

"…Poor fellow. Just not his lucky day, was it?"

"I think you mean lucky week. He's been put on probation and demoted from Senior Auror. And I'm seriously considering assigning him to Azkaban."

"Well, for one, he wouldn't have to worry about the Dementors."

She considered that for a moment. "Yes. I hadn't thought of that. I believe it will be Azkaban."

Sorry, Dawlish. But the chance to have a man on the inside should things start hopping with Sirius sooner than I liked was just too good to pass up.

"Incidentally, I found it interesting that there was no attack in the Ministry last night. Interesting indeed, considering the conversation we provided to Dawlish's controller, the fact that two marked Death Eaters still ended up dying, and the fact that there was an attack on yet another known Death Eater not twenty minutes ago. The very one I decried as under no suspicion, yet I privately suspected the most."

I leaned back and pretended to think. "The fact that Dawlish was a witness to MacNair's death probably threw off the controller's plans for that evening, if MacNair was on his hit list. Most psychopaths have a compulsion with numbers, and he might have figured that two a day was the limit. That being said, the attack today doesn't fit the pattern. Only one Death Eater, daylight, witnesses, an arrest. If Malfoy is the controller, then an attack on him that failed thanks to outside help would be an excellent way to keep his cover. On the other hand, if he is controlling Dawlish, why on Earth would he order him to have an 'accident', thereby decreasing the odds of his own safety? Unless he planted the attacker. Unlikely, considering how hard he was pushing for an investigation. Why would he do that?"

"I don't know. And I hate not knowing."

"As far as I know, only two sets of people knew what Lord Malfoy and I might, theoretically, have been planning to do today: the staff of St. Mungos, and the office that issues the permits for non-Ministry Obliviation. I know you're going to be stretched thin, what with all of this plus dealing with 'certain parties', so until you get around to investigating Malfoy, I shall keep as close of an eye on him as I can. I'm buying a House Elf from him, hopefully it'll have some information I can pass along. If not, it's still one less thing to worry about him using. Incidentally, is the Ministry warded against House Elf apparition?"

"It is not. And if there's a way to do it, we've never been able to convince the bloody Unspeakables to share it."

"Pity. I'll look into seeing if the Goblins will be willing to share their method of doing it."

"The Goblins can do it?"

"If they couldn't, don't you think that more than a few pureblood wizards would have…you know what, you're right. The Goblins might never have had to deal with it because they knew the average pureblood was stupid enough to assume House Elves wouldn't work. Which might also explain how Malfoy made at least some of his money, if no one ever noticed. Still, worth looking into."

"…Yes. Now, I'm afraid I have a very irate Minister to report to. And you have a Malfoy to celebrate with. And I appreciate the offer of information; still, better not to start on that mess just yet. I'd rather 'certain parties' get what was coming to them; if that means ignoring a few blots on the Malfoys' ledgers, then so be it."

"Very well."

I stood and stretched. "Maybe there won't be an attack tonight, if the controller saw the notice I presume you put in the paper. Oh, and one more thing that's been bothering me: how on Earth did you recognize me in MacNair's office?"

Amelia grinned. "Simple. 'Winchester' is the code name assigned to a top operative of the Men of Letters. And the only 'John Winchester' I've heard of recently is the one that destroyed an entire Muggle corporation because they hurt his friend. Rather a magnificent performance you gave on camera, Witcher."

"…Ah. In fairness, there was quite a lot of other illegal stuff they were doing, on both the Muggle side and the Magical side."

"Oh, I know. I took the liberty of jumping on the opportunity with both feet. All evidence from the Magical side of things was either deleted, shredded, vanished, or obliviated. As far as I know, the connection between Hadrian Howlfang and the Witcher is now known only to me."

"And Lord Greengrass. But I doubt he'll tell."

"Indeed. Not when you're betrothed to his daughter, at least. And one more thing allowed me to put the two sides of you together: the fact that the only stop you made in the Ministry was to the Records Department, where it appears the official record of a certain godfathering ritual has gone missing. Didn't want Malfoy to get it?"

"Not until later. When there were more copies of it. Some things are so easily lost, you know."

"True. Still, I must insist on the return of Ministry property."

I gave a theatrical sigh. "Very well. Will bringing it on Tuesday suffice?"

"Yes, that will do quite nicely. Now, would you mind telling me exactly why the fact Sirius Black was godfather to Harry Potter is something Malfoy should not yet know?"

"Look into the protections on the Potters and the Longbottoms, and I'll tell you if what you found is correct on Tuesday."

"…I'll do that. Good day, Lord Howlfang."

"Hadrian, Amelia. After all, we do still have a date, don't we?"

"…Yes, I suppose we do. Noon, at the Three Broomsticks, Hadrian."

"I shall be prompt, Amelia."

* * *

Malfoy stood from his chair. "Everything under control, I take it."

"Absolutely not. And the less under control it is, the harder for Dumbledore. Now, I believe we have a transaction to complete?"

Malfoy nodded. "To Gringotts?"

"To Gringotts."

* * *

"Well?"

"Confirmed, sir. Greyback is dead, and all of his wolves have disappeared without a trace. And there's more."

"More?"

"Death Eater attempted to kill Subject Witcher upon his delivery of Greyback's body. Witcher responded by shoving half of a sword through his heart."

"Half of a sword? The only broken blade I can think of that _he_ would deem worth carrying would be…"

"Impossible to say for certain, sir. But it does seem likely."

"…Inform the Queen. If the Witcher has indeed retrieved half of Excalibur, it will be all the incentive we need."

"To what, sir?"

"Why, to prepare for the return of King Arthur, of course."


	55. Chapter 55

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:55

"So, Miss Skeeter. What gave you the impression that I would allow what you printed about my relationship with the Lovegoods to stand."

She gave a self-satisfied smirk. "Whatever do you mean, Lord Howlfang?"

"You know very well what I mean. I most assuredly do not have a Consort agreement for Heiress Lovegood, and I intend to have it stay that way. If you know what's good for you, you will refrain from pulling a stunt like this again."

"Oh, I think not Lord Howlfang. You may be an excellent 'bug collector', but I'm still the one with the dirt. You've forgotten; you're the one that gave out that nice, juicy stack of parchment on the Senior Undersecretary's exploits. I'm sure the DMLE would _love _to find out who it was to leak such sensitive information."

"They know."

She froze at that. "…What?"

"I said, they know. In fact, I gave a copy of the files to DMLE Director Bones before your story even went out. To thank me, she and I will be having lunch together soon. Something you will _not_ write about if you know what's good for you. After all, your blatant disregard for DMLE investigatory procedures would not induce the court to look favorably at you should your secret become known. Make no mistake, Miss Skeeter. I've dealt with newspaper moguls that make you look like a tame puppy. They are gone. I am not. Savvy?"

"…Savvy. What can the Daily Prophet do for you today, Lord Howlfang?"

"The sightings you have fabricated of my investigations. What has been the reaction?"

"Well, in eighty percent of the places we've reported, there have been unconfirmed sightings of Dumbledore within hours of the sighting being released. Fact or rumor, I haven't been able to find out."

"Hmmm…." I could use this. "For the next sighting, I would recommend using the village of Little Hangleton. That ought to get Dumbledore's feathers in a ruffle. Maybe you'll even be able to catch him out and about, if he gets scared enough to investigate what I was supposedly looking for, thereby turning it from rumor to widely known fact."

"And what, may I ask, is so scary about a Little Hangleton to a man like Dumbledore?"

"Why, it's the hometown of the Dark Lord, of course."

Skeeter dropped her quill at that. "…Yes. Yes, I can see how that would upset him. This'll be worth milking for a while, now that the murder cases are dying down."

"Or so the Ministry would like to believe."

"Not the DMLE?"

"You've met Amelia Bones, I presume. Does she really strike you as the sort to let the person who killed two unknown marked Death Eaters under the Ministry's nose walk away without giving him a proper thanking?"

"…Fair point. Good day, Lord Howlfang."

"Good day, Miss Skeeter."

* * *

"Dobby's beings back, Great Master Lord Howley, Sir!"

I put down my cup of coffee. "Good work, Dobby. You delivered Harry's note to Draco successfully then, I take it?"

"Oh, yes sir Master Lord Howley sir! Dobby's beings givings the note, and then Dobby's be gettings the copies of docy-ments that he's be makings earliers for yous!"

"Excellent Dobby. Just put them in my room, please. Incidentally, where would you like to sleep?"

"You is asking where Dobby's would…Oh sir, Dobby's would be more than happy to sleep on table!"

"Be that as it may Dobby, this is your house now, and you can sleep anywhere someone else hasn't already claimed."

Dobby rubbed the tears out of his eyes. "Yous truly is Great Master, sir…Dobby's beings sleepings in kitchen…beings making it easier for him…"

"Fine Dobby. We'll get you a cot set up."

"Dobby's can be makings his own cot, but thanking you anyways Great Master Lord Howley Sir! Oh, Draco's beings givings me this note while Dobby's beings there. He be sayings it from old Bad Master. Dobby's beings checking it for Bad Master's favorite traps, but it's being clean."

I slit the envelope open. "Good job checking, Dobby. Why don't you go ahead and get your cot set up while I read this?"

"Yes sir!"

And with a pop, Dobby flashed away, just in time for Castiel to catch a glimpse of him walking into the kitchen.

"…Strange fellow."

I picked up my cup again. "Perhaps. But his coffee more than makes up for it."

Cas went to pour himself some.

"Hmmm."

Cas looked back sharply. "What is it?"

"The Longbottoms. They want a meeting. With just me; that's got to rifle in Malfoy's craw."

"I'm sorry, that's got to what?"

"It's an expression, Cas. Means it ticked him off. Still, it would be rude of me to refuse."

"When do they want to meet?"

"Monday. So much for a quiet week."

"So, for the rest of today and tomorrow, you'll be testing all of our occlumency defenses?"

"Yes. Once you've got that down well enough, we can move on to learning actual spells. And we've got a ready-made teacher in a certain werewolf that still has a debt to pay."

"Why can't you do the teaching?"

"Not my kind of magic. Learned how to do most of it without using a wand, so I'm gonna have to relearn quite a lot. That, plus whatever studying I have to do on the History of Magic, means its better to get a secondary opinion, so to speak."

"Understandable. So, what should we do while you're gone?"

"Keep looking into that Silver Spears group, I guess. Have you turned up anything yet?"

Cas sighed. "Nothing. Everywhere you'd expect to see a reference to them, it's been either cut-out or whited out. It's like someone deliberately tried to erase them from history."

I snorted. "Good luck with that. Time always remembers. Just keep searching; they can't possibly have erased _everything."_

"We will. If I have to, I'll get Ashe and Charlie on it."

"Good. Now, let me scratch out a reply to this, and we can start testing your defenses."

* * *

Well, that was interesting.

Castiel had based his defenses on Heaven, no surprise. Endless corridors, no rhyme or reason on how to get where you wanted to go. Angels waiting around every corridor to stab you right in the throat. The only thing I advised him to do after we were done was to move his memories somewhere besides the throne room, preferably to a room only he had access to. After all, the throne room was guaranteed to be the one place people would come looking, and as such should contain the deadliest traps he could think of.

While he got to work meditating on that, I had checked Harry's defenses.

And boy, oh boy did they worry me.

Sure, they seemed fine on the surface. The bunker, the tables, the kitchen, the bedrooms. Werewolves and vampires (the normal kind) prowled the place in no discernable order. Every room was warded such that you could only move forward. Once you went in, you couldn't get back out. And they were all designed, if you survived the monsters, to funnel you to one specific place: the dungeons.

But not the bunker's dungeons.

_Hogwarts' _dungeons.

Seems old Tommy boy's hold in Harry's subconscious truly was unremovable, if it had sunk itself in this deep in his mind. Literally. There were several floors of the place, all going deeper and deeper.

You would think that they would end in the Slytherin dorm room, but you would be wrong. The entirety of that floor was nothing but a maze of death traps. The only way to truly get where you needed to be was to backtrack to where you had come in from the bunker, going through the exact same door as the one you entered by. Only once you went back through it, you would find yourself near a certain girls' bathroom, with a secret entrance to a chamber containing a very upset Basilisk.

Lucky I could speak Parseltongue or I probably would have been eaten alive.

Once I finally made my way out of Harry's mind-maze, I had sat down with both him and Cas and explained exactly what I had found. The good news was that I now had a pretty good map of Voldemort's mind defenses, should I ever need it. The bad news was that there was no way we were ever getting that bit of Tom out of Harry without collapsing his entire mind. We would just have to hope that when Harry got to Hogwarts, he didn't get any headaches when around Quirrell (well, aside from the normal ones you get when someone's probing your mind).

To make sure Voldemort wouldn't be using the layout of Harry's mind to his advantage, I had Harry and Cas take a look at each other's defenses and copy some of what they felt were the better ideas. Cas ended up with snakes that could drop out of the ceilings, and Harry got a trap-room that emulated what someone wanted it to be, such as his memories, while still capable of killing whoever stepped into it. I didn't mention how much that resembled the Room of Requirement for obvious reasons. Since I suspected Rowena would/ had created that place, the connection to the idea of personal Heavens was a new angle I hadn't thought about. Someday, I hoped I would find out for certain if Heaven had been the inspiration for the Room of Requirement.

Seeing as how the testing took the whole day, we had a late dinner, and then a Lord of the Rings marathon. Cas pointed out some uncomfortable parallels about pouring one's "malice, cruelty, and will to dominate all life" into a ring as very Horcrux-like, which left me pondering questions such as the origins of house-elves and the modern-day wizarding dwarves.

All in all, a very productive, yet concerning day.

* * *

"Lord Howlfang."

"Madame Longbottom. I believe I am expected."

"Yes. Follow me, please."

I did so. As we walked, she remarked over her shoulder. "For the record, I was against this."

"This? What's 'this'?"

"You'll see. And it's not something I thought this family would ever bring itself to do with a known associate of someone like the Malfoys."

I was more than slightly concerned now. "For the record ma'am, I consider Lord Malfoy as a necessary evil. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

"I must disagree with you on that. Otherwise I would never have permitted this to go ahead. Just through here."

"You won't be joining us?"

"My presence would only add unneeded tension. I may dislike what is about to occur, but even I know better than to place the temptation to stick my opinion in where it could cause harm. I shall be waiting in the room where you arrived once your business is concluded with my son and…daughter-in-law."

I gave a slight bow. "Very well then, Madame Longbottom. Thank you for your hospitality."

She sniffed. "Good manners, at least. Not quite up to royalty, but they'll do quite well for the wizarding elite."

"I'll have you know all the royals I've met have said the exact same thing."

I squared my shoulders, reached out, and swung open the door. Frank Longbottom was staring out the window, resting on a cane. Alice was sitting on a chair, reading. Stereotypical.

Madame Longbottom's voice came from behind me. "Lord Howlfang to see you, Frank."

Frank turned. "Excellent. Come in, sir. Have a seat."

I took the chair to my left, with a view of all exits and entrances in case this went sideways. Madame Longbottom as far as I knew was a staunch advocate of Dumbledore's, and the Longbottoms themselves were still something of an unknown. I wouldn't put it past the old man to set this up as a confrontation.

Frank himself took the seat to Alice's right, and moved his hand over to the drink table between us. "Fire-whiskey?"

"No, but thank you. So, what can I do for the House of Longbottom today?"

"That is the wrong question, sir. After all you have done, what you should be asking is what House Longbottom can do for you?"

Ah. I swallowed. "And what sort of answer might I get if I were to ask that question?"

* * *

The shock must have been evident on my face. "You want to WHAT?"

"Swear House Longbottom to House Howlfang. Or, if that is not an option, House Ravenclaw."

"In Merlin's name, why?"

Alice closed her book. "It's quite simple. The odds of either of us being accepted as Neville's guardians, much less worthy of holding seats on the Wizengamot, are small. We will be Lord and Lady in name only. My…mother-in-law, while strong-willed, knows her position on the Wizengamot as our proxy will now be murky at best, if not outright denied. Which we suspect will infringe on whether or not she votes the way a certain white-bearded wanker wants her to."

"Ah. So, you know."

"About the actions of the Chief Warlock in regard to two Ancient and Noble Houses? Yes. Lord Malfoy was quite insistent that we learn the truth, something we didn't think a Malfoy was capable of telling. But he prevailed upon your lawyer to confirm what he had said, and the word of Andromeda Tonks' husband was good enough for us."

"I knew picking Ted was the right call."

Frank nodded. "Yes. Now, as it stands, House Longbottom and House Potter have been sworn to each other since time immemorial. Dumbledore currently holds the proxy for House Potter, and thus has every seeming legal right to interfere in how House Longbottom is run, no matter what the truth of his position is. If we were to swear instead to your House, you could not only take over from my mother as our Heir's magical guardian, you could also keep her on as your proxy, or failing that, keep the position out of Dumbledore's hands. Which, as much as I hate to say it, is the best we can currently hope for."

He sighed deeply at that.

Bollocks. I had the means to keep everyone happy involved, even Madame Longbottom, but to do so would risk revealing my whole hand.

I carefully considered my next words. "Tell me two things: what do you know of the Heir Potter's fate, and how is your occlumency since your return?"

Frank rubbed his chin. "I must confess, our occlumency is not the best since, but we have been working at getting our minds back under control. Both of us have come across holes in our defenses that should never have gotten there, even while catatonic. Likely Dumbledore's work. Not easily undone, but we are trying. As to the fate of Heir Potter, as we can say for certain is what Lord Malfoy and Mr. Tonks have seen fit to tell us: that he is no longer under Dumbledore's thumb, but that it was not done in an entirely legal manner, and thus we are no better off for it."

"…I wouldn't be so sure of that. Have you heard of the arrangement between myself and the Greengrass family?"

They both nodded.

"Do you know why I chose that particular House to seal the deal?"

They shook their heads.

"It is because of something that only five people know: me, the Chairman of the Goblin Nation, Heir Potter's Account Manager at Gringotts, Heir Potter's Muggle guardian, and Heir Potter himself. That number will now, with your permission and sworn secrecy, become seven."

Frank and Alice looked at each other with trepidation, and then slowly back to me. Frank slowly nodded. "You have it."

"Harry James Potter is not only the Heir to House Potter, but also to the House of Slytherin."

You could have heard a pin drop.

"…And by writing the contract with Greengrass under that name, you have ensured that if anything were to happen to you, House Greengrass would still be under your House's protection. Ingenious."

Alice interrupted. "You're missing the point, Frank. If we were to swear ourselves to House Slytherin, we would be keeping all the benefits of siding with the Potters, while clearly demonstrating that we will not be supporting Dumbledore in the least."

Frank's eyes lit up at that. "And it would mean that Mother would gain the support of all the Dark Houses to keep her spot as proxy, to say nothing of Malfoy as a friend on the Hogwarts Board of Governors. That is, if there's still going to be one of those."

"Of course. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Naturally, I will allow you to explain the situation to Madame Longbottom. It sounded like she had a hard-enough time swallowing what you planned to do; allying with a name like Slytherin will not be easy for her."

Frank's voice rang with steel. "I shall persuade her. Now, if that is amenable to you."

I held up my hands. "By all means. Explain, persuade, and then bring her back here, and we can do the swearing post-haste."

Frank rose, and strode from the room, leaving me alone with Alice Longbottom.

"So…how are you getting on with Neville?"

She perked up at that. "Have you met our son already?"

I shook my head. "I am afraid not. I have, however, heard that he takes a good deal after you, especially in regard to Herbology."

She smiled. "Yes, it was quite fun to go with him through the greenhouses and have him point out what he's collected. He does so love plants."

"I can't blame him. Samwise Gamgee would have approved."

"Who?"

"Muggle folk-hero and gardener that managed to save the world. Multiple times. And always made sure his potatoes were well looked after."

"I shall have to introduce Neville to him; he needs good role models."

"Yes, being told you need to act more like your father, down to being forced to use his wand can leave a bad impression."

"How did you…"

"Lady Longbottom, did you really think I healed you for the political connections? I did it because I knew for a fact that Neville needed his parents. Something no young boy should be without."

She relaxed at that. "I completely agree."

We spent the next ten minutes discussing everything from potatoes to prophecies, something I felt both she and Frank needed to hear. She went completely pale at the revelation of the true reason Dumbledore had contrived events the way he had, and promised to break the news to Frank in such a way that he wouldn't immediately kill the old man.

By the time that was all over and done with, Frank returned, dragging along an obviously recalcitrant Madame Longbottom.

He sat her down on the sofa, and took up his previous seat. "She understands. And she will swear, if and only if Neville can spend at least some time with Heir Potter."

"Granted. Let's do this."

* * *

Five oaths later, House Slytherin and House Longbottom had been sworn to each other in the same manner as the Potters. Even Neville had been called in to take the oath (using a wand that was most definitely not his father's, I was pleased to note). Once that was done, I was more than happy to arrange a time on Saturday for introductions of everybody, with a side-note that I should try and get all important parties in the same place, minus Lord Malfoy to keep Madame Longbottom happy.

Afterwards, I swung by the Daily Prophet to see what had come of that Little Hangleton tip. Skeeter was positively gleeful, as she had managed to get pictures of the Chief Warlock sneaking around the town, as well as speculations from experts on what exactly he had been looking for. There had even been a rumored explosion in the vicinity during Dumbledore's visit that Skeeter had dug up eyewitnesses for. I was more than happy to tell her exactly what it had been, in exchange for her holding off on the speculation part. Once she heard that the explosion was likely a booby-trap left by the Dark Lord around his birthplace, she was practically salivating over how long she could stretch this out.

I, of course, knew that if Dumbledore had been stupid enough to put on the ring, she could stretch it out indefinitely. I did not inform her as to the Dark Lord's true identity. That was well hidden, and would focus her even more on Dumbledore and his reasons for keeping it quiet. I took my leave, mutterings of "pictures", "relics", and "ruins" following the whole way.

Just enough time for a stop at Speedy's, then it would be back to the bunker.


	56. Chapter 56

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:56

Amelia Bones put down her mug of Butterbeer. "Truth be told, I'd prefer a nice Firewhiskey. But alas, drinking on one's lunch break isn't allowed. Even for the Head of the DMLE."

I raised my own glass. "Shame. I'll just have to get drunk enough for the both of us then."

She raised one eyebrow. "Can you even get drunk?"

"Its extremely hard, but yes. If I have a good reason. And I think the events of the last week, plus what I have to endure tomorrow, certainly make a compelling case."

A frown crossed her face. "Why? What's tomorrow?"

"Lunch. With Malfoy."

"I don't envy you that. Shaking hands with that man always leaves me wishing I had worn gloves."

"The trick, Madame Bones, is to leave him with the exact same feeling."

"And how does one manage that, Lord Howlfang?"

"By continually dropping things on him such as I know the whereabouts of the last remaining Potter, and that if Dumbledore hadn't interfered, he possibly would have been raised with the Malfoy family."

Her mug froze halfway to her lips. "…And you didn't tell me this?"

I resisted the urge to gulp. "I am telling you. And remember who it is I said interfered. No offense, Madame Bones, but I knew that if I didn't give you something else to worry Dumbledore with, you would have jumped feet first into the mess with Harry. Now, as it stands, the old man will be run ragged with so many things he's never going to be able to divert enough attention to handle them all. The Longbottoms, the Malfoys, the fate of Sirius Black, my teaching post at Hogwarts, the removal of his in with the werewolves…now, hopefully, the both of us can move a bit more in the shadows."

She very slowly replaced her drink on the table. "Now I can see why you wanted to get good and drunk. You've done quite a lot, and still have more to do, if I'm not mistaken."

I sighed. "You have no idea."

A pause.

"…Let me help."

I raised my head. "I beg your pardon?"

"Let. Me. Help."

"…As Madame Bones, or as Amelia?"

"As both. Or whichever you need. You've given me more ammunition in the last two weeks than I've gotten from anyone else in the last decade. Just by showing your face, so to speak, you've stirred the pot quite thoroughly. And unless some sweetness at the bottom lie, who careth for all the crinkling of the pie?"

"…I didn't take you for a fan of poetry, Miss Bones."

"I'm not. I am, however, quite fond of Muggle detective novels. _Especially _the ones named after famous passages. Now, I still don't know exactly how much or how little you had to do with the murders in the Ministry. But after going through what you've managed to get me on the toad's dealings, I'm not sure I care to know. I will still be looking for connections to both people connected to Skeeter and the Malfoy, so if you find anything there, I would be more than grateful to hear it. But that being said, I trust you enough to understand why you might not tell someone in my position everything. I will do what I can with what I am given. And what you've given me so far, Hadrian, is quite a lot."

…To be honest, I was completely floored. Every tale I had ever heard of this woman painted her in one of three lights. A power-hungry Neutral, pretty-much the Yin to Fudge's Yang. A principled and hard woman driven by duty and responsibility. Or the broken leader of a darkened House, willing to put up with practically anything, just for at least the semblance of justice. To see her, here, now, looking for power, but trusting someone else to know how much she needed…

There was really only one thing I could do: give her exactly what she wanted.

"The Longbottoms. Have you reviewed their testimonies yet?"

"No. Dumbledore won't allow anyone, much less me, to start asking them question. And I am sad to say that that's unlikely to change, considering how he can blackmail Madame Longbottom."

"How he _could _blackmail Madame Longbottom. House Longbottom is no longer sworn to House Potter."

Amelia frowned. "Oaths like that can't be undone. They can only be transferred if the original family either changes names or dies out. And since Heir Potter is still alive, and is unlikely to be legally allowed to change his House's name, I fail to see how you accomplished it."

"What I am about to tell you is a House secret, Miss Bones. This is your last chance to back out. From here on, you are either an innocent bystander, or will be labeled a conspirator and tried for treason should the truth come to light."

She slowly nodded. "I understand. House Bones will stand with you."

"Then know this: that Harry James Potter, Heir of House Potter, is also the Heir of Houses Black, Peverell, and most importantly, Slytherin."

Her monocle dropped out.

It was a while before she responded, voice hoarsely whispering. "…And your business with Lord Ogden, it was…"

"Solely for Miss Greengrass' benefit. I like to hedge my bets, and should something unplanned happen to me, then they will still be safe from all comers under the name Slytherin, and their connection to the Boy-Who-Lived."

"…That's how you did it. The Longbottoms renewed their oaths, but to House Slytherin. You've not only pulled out Dumbledore's claws without him knowing, you've done it in such a way that even the Longbottom Heir is now under your protection, as well as their proxy."

"Right in one, Miss Bones. Furthermore, it now gives me all the justification I need to push for investigation into exactly what happened all those years ago in November of 1981. For instance, the fate of the person I believe Dumbledore installed as Secret-Keeper for the Longbottoms' Fidelius: Barty Crouch Junior."

"Barty Crouch Junior is dead."

"No, ma'am. His Polyjuiced mother is dead. Her son is alive, relatively well, and existing under his father's Imperius."

She seemed to age on the spot. "…That is a very serious accusation to make of a Department Head, Hadrian."

"It's not an accusation. As far as anyone else is concerned, it's not even a whisper. And that is how it's going to stay."

She slowly reinserted her monocle. "Merlin…"

"There's more, but I think that's more than enough for now."

"Agreed."

Her hand came up holding her wand. "I, Regent Bones of House Bones, do hereby swear…"

I grabbed her hand and hissed. "What do you think you're doing?"

She looked at me with steel in her eyes. "I am trying to repay all that you've done for this country. And for what I'm afraid you might have to do. You need allies, don't you?"

"Allies yes. Followers, no. That's for Dark Lords, Ministers, and Mugwumps. If we're swearing _anything, _its gonna be to each other. Savvy?"

"…I savvy. So…to which House am I swearing?"

I thought about it. I already had more than enough allies for Slytherin House; and I didn't dare do anything with Ravenclaw beyond appointing a proxy….

"Howlfang. I'll explain why later."

She nodded, and gave her oath. I gave mine in return, and then told her whom she would be dealing with in regard to the House.

"Let me get this straight. You, a man who practically symbolizes the old guard, have somehow managed to convince Andromeda Black, the original Dark family rebel, to sit your proxy. And furthermore, you have set up things such that Lucius Malfoy is dealing with her lawyer husband on the case of Black, _and he doesn't know it?"_

"That about sums it up."

She laughed. Loudly. And lengthily. When at last she was done, she gave a sigh. "Best. Prank. Ever."

I smiled. "I try."

"Now," she leaned back forward in her seat, "we can get down to the real reason I invited you to lunch today."

Ho boy.

"As you are aware, there are currently only two members of my House: myself, and my niece. As things stand, if our name is to stand, she must have a Consort agreement."

I blinked. "Why not yourself?"

She bowed her head. "I was present when my brother, the Lord Bones was killed. In the fight, I was hit with a Curse. I can no longer have children, and there is neither Magical nor Muggle cure for my…condition."

Oh. Well. That…explained a great deal.

"I'm sorry." I was at a loss for what else to say.

She gave a wave of her hand. "It was years ago. I've learned to carry on. But it is Susan I worry about. When I heard of your arrangement with the Greengrass' family, I had hoped that I could talk you into doing the same for her, under another House's name. Then I heard of your deal with the Lovegoods, and, well, I knew I had to act faster than I had anticipated. For that, I'm sorry."

Bollocks. How to do this.

I cleared my throat. "Amelia, I would like nothing more than to help. But there are two things you should know. There is, currently, a living Lady Ravenclaw. I have no agreement with Lord Lovegood beyond providing him with exotic discoveries. And as for Howlfang…"

I thought back to Rose. To what Perenelle Flamel had said, about how it was "taken care of".

I continued on. "…There is someone else who has first place in my heart. Once again, I'm sorry."

Her voice dully thudded through the air. "…And you have not informed the papers of these two facts because you need the advantage of suspected unattachment."

I nodded. "That's part of it. I will, however, remind you of two very important things: Frank and Alice Longbottom are likely to have another child, leaving Neville free to choose as he sees fit. And Harry Potter will need Consorts for both the Black line and Peverell, should we fail in our mission to save Sirius. I shall tell you what: there is to be a get-together, Saturday, of most of the 'conspirators', minus Lord Malfoy. Most of the Heirs shall be there. Come; bring Susan. See who she hits it off with. And I shall do all I can to help. After all, it's not like I'm sworn to do so, or anything."

A grin flashed across her face, and was replaced once again with despondency. "Or anything."

I raised my glass. "Now, enough of that. Tell me about yourself, Amelia, and I shall do my best to return the favor. Be warned; I have done some things parties such as the Unspeakables would be horrified at."

"Yes, I seem to recall something about collapsing a financial empire overnight…" she drawled.

"A joke! The Great and Honorable Madame Director has made a joke! Weatherby, make a note of that!"

We laughed together at that, and for much longer afterwards, at other things.

* * *

Harry's flying appointment with Heir Malfoy went far smoother than I had anticipated. Draco had obviously been instructed to be on his best behavior, and not talk down anyone else. Something I was very thankful for.

Lord Malfoy, of course, used the time to read all he could from me, and I did the same to him. But then again, that wasn't the real reason I had come along. The conversation was merely a distraction, allowing Dobby to retrieve what I had ordered him to in the one time I could guarantee Lord Malfoy would not be observing.

When finally, it was time to go, our farewells were said with the utmost of cordiality. I could see that Harry, while still acting friendly on the outside, was still smarting over the comment Draco had made earlier about werewolves. I wondered if Garth was the reason for his good opinion of weres. I'd have to ask Cas. As we Smoked back to just behind the Cauldron, I called for Dobby.

A pop signaled his arrival. "The Greats Master Lord Howley bes calling me?"

I knelt down. "Yes, Dobby. Did you get what I asked you to?"

Dobby nodded. "Dobby's be findings whats hes be lookings for. But what he findings be in safe, with wards. Wards against House-Elves openings."

"As expected. Did you use the box we brought along from the bunker?"

"Yes sirs. Dobby's be removings wall safe was in, and then movings wall and safe into box. Wards be broken after that, Great Master sir. Dobby tilted safe, waitings for noises to stop, closed safe, and repairings safe and wall. Wards bes going back up; Bad Master never be knowings."

Sometimes it was downright convenient to live somewhere with access to Magic-cancelling boxes; and the beauty of Rune-based Wards was that even if you drained the Magic from them, all you had to do was remove the cancellation field, and then Magic would immediately recharge them. The fact that no one had ever cottoned on to this for illegal purposes further spoke to the general stupidity of wizards.

"Excellent, Dobby. Do you still have the box?"

Dobby patted his Magically-expanded Moke-skin pouch, which thankfully went over the box, and not in. "Dobbys be havings it, sir."

I rose. "Very fine work, Dobby. I may be tempted to give you a raise if you keep this work up."

The little guy's eyes began to widen. I knew that if I didn't do something, he would start crying.

"Time to go, Dobby. Pop us to Ireland, please."

He nodded, and snapped his fingers. Switching back and forth partners for transatlantic travel was so much easier than with one person; still, not knowing how the MACUSA was protected against House-Elf Apparition, from Greenland onwards it was Smoking until our arrival back at the bunker.

Once the familiar front door filled our view, I let go of both Harry's and Dobby's hands and began to walk forward. I was just about to knock for Cas to let us in when the door swung open to reveal…

"Cas? What the hell happened? You look like…" his eyes were bloodshot, his hair unkempt. "…Well, like Hell."

Seriously, we had only been gone the afternoon, and he had been fine when we left. What could possibly have happened that would have left him looking like this?

His voice was just as haggard as his appearance. "Come with me. You need to hear this."

* * *

"The Silver Spears. I found what happened to them."

I lowered my cup of coffee. "…I take it that's not a good thing."

We all sat around the kitchen table; Rowena, Castiel, and me. Harry and Dudley were both off doing who knows what. Probably more Scooby-Doo.

Cas sighed. "No. No its not. At first, I didn't want to believe what I was reading, but then…"

I held up my hand. "Okay, first, you're gonna explain why you look like you went three rounds with the Tasmanian Devil."

Cas' expression morphed to one of mild confusion. "I was unaware that Tasmania had its own Lucifer."

It was Rowena's turn to sigh. "Sweetie pie, he means the _animal_ with that name. One that's famous for wrecking those larger than itself."

His expression cleared. "Ah. Well, if you must know, I was using the Time room to study…"

"Please don't call it that. If anything, you should call it the _Anti-_Time Room."

Cas ignored my interruption. "…and I became so engrossed in what I was reading that, well…"

Rowena finished for him. "You lost track of Time."

"Yes."

I leaned forward. "Blimey. Must have been important, then. What did you find?"

Blue eyes bored into mine. "Everything. You know, of course, how angels fall. Their Grace ripped out, and they themselves are cast out to be born again with no memories."

Rowena and I nodded along.

"Well, the Silver Spears were a group of fallen angels who were reborn in magical bodies. They spent their time here on Earth doing two things: looking for their Grace, and searching for fellow fallen that they could bring in to help. They were able to do this because of their wands."

My brow knit in confusion. "The wands?"

"Yes. Apparently, only an angel, or at least one with only the one soul per vessel, can use an aspen wand. Unicorn for the seraphim, dragon heartstring for the cherubim."

"But don't you have…"

"A phoenix feather, yes. Why, I can't say. To continue. Eventually, news of these Silver Spears reached the Men of Letters."

Ho boy.

"The Men of Letters entered a…well, I guess you would call it a partnership with the Spears. The angels would be their agents in the Wizarding World, and in return, the Men of Letters would scour the globe for where their Grace might have landed."

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"It gets worse. The Men of Letters weren't the only ones to catch on that the Silver Spears were more than they seemed. There was an organization, whose name was stricken from every record I could find, as well as those of their agents, that found out the truth."

"The Unspeakables."

Cas glanced my way. "You know them?"

"Where did you think I liberated all those Time Turners from?"

Rowena's eyebrow went up. "It was a group of wizards that had those abominations?"

"Trust me, that was far from the worst that these…Unspeakables…have done."

I swallowed. "Go on."

"Once the Unspeakables found out there were fallen angels walking among them, they immediately classified them as a threat, and began looking to, not kill them, exactly, but find a way to control them. Three guesses as to which method they settled on."

"Attack dog spell?"

"Similar. Apparently, the Unspeakables captured a few younger Spears, and…removed their hearts."

I stared aghast. "…And they didn't think having soulless angels walking around was a bad idea?"

"Oh no, things went perfectly. For a while. Until they tried to rip out the soul of an angel that had regained its Grace. The minute they did, said angel immediately broke its restraints, and began sucking out the souls of everyone within reach."

Oh, bollocks. Double bollocks.

"…The first Dementor?"

"The first Dementor. They eventually got it under control using its heart, but not before it had killed most of the Unspeakables guarding it. And what do you do when you have a virtually unkillable soul-sucking monster that frightens all that come near it? Why, you make more, of course. Eventually, the Men of Letters figured out what was going on, but the damage was done. Every single fallen angel, minus those the Unspeakables kept, was put down, to avoid the chance of creating even more Dementors. And to make sure the whole affair was buried, the Unspeakables removed the Dementors to some place called Azkaban, leaving their hearts in a secure location, just in case."

"…Cas…new rule. Never, unless absolutely necessary, draw your wand."

"Yes, I figured that."

I leaned back again. "You know, the more I think about it, the more I get a very bad feeling about exactly what was in those Time Turner vials."

Cas' whisper was barely audible. "…Angel wings. The dust of angel wings."

Rowena's hand went to her mouth. "…Oh, Castiel."

His eyes came up, no longer burning blue, but a very cold white. "I will see justice done for my fallen brethren. And the Unspeakables will pay for what they have done."

Should I tell him?

The answer was a resounding yes.

"Algernon Croaker. Relative of the Longbottoms, and by all accounts, an Unspeakable. We'll go after him first…"

Cas made to rise.

"After…" here I glared to make sure he got the point, "We get some training for what we're going to be dealing with. You really think the Unspeakables don't' have a way to deal with angels? No; first, we train. Then, we avenge."

Cas slowly sat down again. "…Incidentally, I learned what the spell to repel the Dementors really does."

I took a stab. "Push out angelic Grace in the form of a guardian?"

A nod. "For me, it will be a relatively easy matter to fake. Harry and the both of you will have to learn the actual spell, although I suspect an angel blade will kill them just as well."

"Yeah, not pulling out angel blades in front of Unspeakables either."

"A last-ditch defense is better than no defense at all."

"True. I'll collect Lupin tomorrow; it's time we started taking this seriously."


	57. Chapter 57

I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:57

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Albeit a few years ahead of schedule.

Lupin was quite handy when it came to teaching the Patronus spell. When it came to Dark creatures, his knowledge of the difference between Magical and Muggle monsters was also much appreciated. He was also a genius when it came to Potions, and as such got along quite well with Rowena (I had always wondered which of the Marauders handled that end of the pranks). But when it came to teaching more basic spells, he was quite useless. I guess a few years out of practice lying low in America will do that for you. Cas, Harry, Lupin, and I all had to start from practically the bottom and work our way up, albeit a slightly elevated bottom. We all had problems in different areas: my control of fire-related spells was shot, and I suspect it would stay that way without using Harry's wand, something I refused to do. Cas tended to overpower practically anything to do with healing, and in the reverse department his Bone-Breakers and other such spells tended to break more than just one bone. All of them, in fact. May I never have the misfortune to see such a thing happen to a human.

Harry, however, was the most worrying. His absorption of Riddle's Horcrux had left him with a certain amount of muscle memory, but only when it came to incredibly destructive spells. Anything else and he began to flounder. Badly. His control was just not up to snuff. Power-wise, he was fine, but I couldn't wait for him to develop said control before we dealt with what Dobby had retrieved for me from Malfoy's safe. As much as I despised being put in this position, there was really only one of us with the ability to do what needed to be done.

* * *

Lupin looked down at the note, and then back up to me. "Seriously? You know what happened the last time I was even remotely involved in a Fidelius. And what is so important about this that it warrants that kind of security?"

"As you said: I know what happened last time. If you don't know exactly what the Secret is, the less chance you'll accidentally leak something important. And trust me, this is very, very important."

He looked down at the note one more time, then sighed as he handed it back to me. "Very well. I can't guarantee that it'll work; but I'll try."

He held up his wand, and pointed directly back at himself in the direction of my heart.

"FIDELIUM OCCULUM!"

…Oh. So that's what that felt like. Lupin began looking around in confusion, obviously not understanding why he was here in the first place. I handed him the note and he read it aloud.

"The Diary of Tom Riddle Junior is in the Anti-Time Room of the Men of Letters bunker."

Lupin blinked twice in confusion as the Secret settled in his mind, and then once again returned the note. He crossed his arms. "Now, are you going to tell me what that means?"

"Nope," I said, as I Vanished the paper. "As I said, the less you know, the better. Now, go call Cas and Rowena in here." I held up three more notes. "We've got three more Secrets to hide."

* * *

The thing about the Fidelius, is that the person that casts the Spell cannot, by definition, be the Secret Keeper. I had first found that out when I was looking for the exact reason Dumbledore himself hadn't been the Secret Keeper for the Potters or the Longbottoms. That's not to say he didn't set things up, so the Secret Keepers were directly under his thumb. And as for Grimmauld Place, he may have been the Secret Keeper, but if I knew the old man, the only reason he used Sirius Black to cast the spell for the place was because it was the Blacks' to begin with. He hadn't counted on Sirius naming Harry his heir in everything, up to and including his Secrets.

That being said, four of Tom Riddle's Horcruxes were now hidden, even from the Dark Lord himself. I was Secret-Keeper for the Diary, Cas for the Cup, Rowena for the Diadem (it seemed fitting), and Lupin for the Locket. I thought it best to have him for that one last, once I figured out exactly how the Magic of the spell was working and could copy it. That, and I figured we may have to tell Sirius the entirety of the truth eventually, so having his best friend explain the fate of his brother seemed to be the best way to do that.

The Ring, I didn't dare hide, because of Dumbledore. The former horcrux in Harry's head for the same reason, as well as I was unsure how exactly to phrase the Secret so Dumbledore couldn't weasel it out by process of elimination. And as for Nagini, no Horcrux there yet, so we were in the clear. Relatively.

We continued to train until the gathering on Saturday that I absolutely refused to let Cas come along to. I was not about to put all my eggs in one basket, especially now that I knew the origin of the Ministry's Dementors. Cas grumbled, but eventually he caved, especially when I pointed out that he could use the opportunity to take Dudley somewhere since he'd been a bit left out recently. Finally, the day arrived, and Harry and I Smoked away to our appointment.

* * *

Things went well, for the most part. We arrived to be greeted by Lord and Lady Greengrass, as well as Daphne and Astoria. Their eyes practically bugged out of their sockets when I introduced Harry. Apparently, I had forgotten to mention that I was bringing him. Much less that I knew him. He was promptly drug off by both of the girls to the corner where the other heirs were already talking, giving a backwards glance of "save me" as they did so.

I was tempted to give the same glance when the Greengrass' turned their attention back to me. Harry was much better off than I was, what with having Draco and Nym-Sam, excuse me, already in his corner. I thank Gallifrey I didn't have to suffer under their attention for much longer than I had to, thanks to Madame Bones, Andromeda Tonks and Lady Longbottom joining the conversation (for once, I actually missed Xeno Lovegood). Of course, once that happened, the fact that Harry was the Magical Heir for Slytherin came out rather quickly. The conversation quickly devolved into an interrogation, with me revealing much more than I intended about not only Harry's status, but that of Sirius Black, as well as the current plan for how to deal with Malfoy. Madame Bones' face lit up in a predatory smile at that, but the Greengrasses only looked more worried. I could have smacked myself for forgetting that Lord Malfoy had gotten the idea of consort agreements into his dead. Sure enough, after the party was officially over, Lord Greengrass broke the news.

"Lord Malfoy has floated the idea of a Consort agreement between Draco and Astoria."

I swallowed. "And how have you responded."

"As cordially as I could. I am not exaggerating when I say that I despise that man."

"Understandable. But he is not the one you have to worry about. It's the other party of the contract. See how your daughter feels about Draco; if they are capable of getting along for any amount of time, then entertain him. But if not, I'm confident I can get him to drop the matter."

A very familiar voice came from behind me. "I thought that last time Draco ended up marrying Astoria."

Now who do you suppose would say something like _that?_

"Yes, Luna. But that was last time. And I'm not entirely sure what happened between them. Only that he didn't end up marrying Parkinson as he was supposed to."

"Oh. Well, that's probably the best way, isn't it?"

"Not when the Lord Greengrass would very much like his family name to continue, Luna."

"Well, when you put it that way. If Astoria doesn't like Draco, will you set the wrackspurts on him?"

"No, Luna. I will, however, set something a good deal more dangerous on Lord Malfoy."

She smiled at that. "Good. He killed my mother, you know. They were cousins. Everyone else forgot that, but I didn't. Goodbye, Hadrian. And don't forget my birthday."

I struggled to comprehend the revelation I had just been granted. "…I'm quite sure that that's one birthday I could never forget. Now, how about a goodbye hug from my friend?"

One hug later, and Luna skipped back off to join her father who was waiting by the Floo.

"So…Lady Lovegood was murdered by Lord Malfoy…"

I recognized that tone of voice. "You knew."

"I suspected. Why do you think I despise him?"

"Fair point. Just…watch your back. And your top. And your underside. Frankly, just watch everywhere. Call my House-Elf if you want to send me a message, or if Malfoy does something unexpected. And you know how to find everyone else here."

I turned to collect Harry.

"Were you going to tell us?"

I halted. "…That Harry was my Magical Heir? Yes. Did I plan to do it this soon? No. But I suppose this way is more fair to you. Not to mention to Daphne. No one should be stuck with anyone like me for eternity. If worse comes to worse, and I die, the contract will transfer to Harry. If all goes well, once everything is done that needs doing, I'm abdicating the Slytherin title and leaving it to Harry. I'm sorry you found out this way. I truly am."

"…I believe you. And thank you, once again. Not for our sake, but for Daphne's."

I nodded.

It was time to go.

* * *

Algernon Croaker. Unspeakable with a history of tossing potential squibs out of windows. Exactly the sort of person the world could do with less of.

Unfortunately, he rarely seemed to come out of his hole in the bottom of the Ministry. And when he did, it was always at seemingly random times. I couldn't watch for much longer; time to see if I could initiate plan B.

"Dobby."

A pop.

"Yes sirs?"

"Did you put back everything else that was in Malfoy's safe?"

The little fellow nodded. "It bes workings same as last time, Great Master."

"Good. Now, I have a very important job for you. Take this picture."

It had been the only one of Croaker I could find in the Muggle world; apparently, the Unspeakables weren't quite as inept when it came to manipulating electronic records as their counterparts.

"Memorize it. Now, I need you to figure out exactly where this man lives, if anywhere. The only rule for this mission is: don't leave a trail. If someone discovers you, dispose of them in any way possible. If you are attacked, attack them back. Erase all evidence behind you as you go. If you need help, don't hesitate to grab me. If you need to bribe someone or buy something, you can use my Howlfang Vault Key at Gringotts. I will take whatever you can tell me; there is no such thing as failure on this mission. Every scrap of information you can collect is a victory. There will be no punishments, not even if you are discovered. Do you understand?"

Dobby nodded once more.

"Fantastic. You can get started at your convenience; it will be a while before we act on anything you find. Take as much time as you want; stealth is our game in this area. Now, we had better be getting back to the others at the bunker."

A snap of his fingers, and the alley was empty.


End file.
